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Time to investigate. Buy a VAR ASAP look out for pincodes on her phone etc. Is her phone attached to her hip. Let her know that you are not happy about the gift and she should return it.
 

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Discussion Starter #63
Is your wife a nurse?

Sad to say that the medical profession is rampant with cheating.
Yes she is. It certainly does seem to have more than its fair share in the medical profession.

No you're not overreacting ... if anything, you're not reacting enough.

Time to start snooping to see if they are communicating outside of the workplace. Can you access her phone?

I see you're considering getting a VAR ... put some action to those thoughts.

Please don't be one of the BH's that sits by unconditionally trusting your W, while she starts up an A with that "cute big guy at work".
No going to be easy to get phone as she has it with her most of the time. Also a very light sleeper.

Also, when the confrontation does occur. Ask her to give you the "gift" he gave her and destroy/burn it right in front of her. Nothing like a little visual aide to drive home just how serious you to consider this to be.
This is a powerful idea

No, I don't think you are overreacting. I'm married. I too do not gifts to OW. I own several classic cars that some women admire. I do not offer rides.

Helicopter boy...does he own the helicopter and is he legally permitted to take passengers on board? Helicopter boy is fishing.
He is definitely fishing

A couple of years ago a guy gives your wife gifts with his helicopter company logo on it. This same person who your wife thinks of as "that big cute guy" (this is probably how she refers to him with her coworkers) is now asking her if she wants to go on a helicopter ride with him. He had to make an effort on behalf of your wife to make both of these things happen. He is not doing this for the other woman that your wife works with, just for her. Why? The answer is that he thinks that your wife is just as cute as your wife thinks he is.

Google a helicopter ride company in your area and get available dates. Tell your wife that she should have told you that she wanted to ride in a helicopter, and that you think that it would be a fun and romantic date for the two of you to go on. Then tell her that there is now no good reason for her to go on the ride with "that big cute guy", unless spending time with this other man is the real reason that she wants to go.
I have a feeling it is both about the ride and the man. Now I have buddy who works for the same company that "cute guy" does. I know he will clue me in on anything. I thought about the ride. But I think that is only an excuse.
 

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Discussion Starter #64
Red flag? There's a MUCH bigger one. In fact, MANY bigger ones. They all point at you and beg the question "why do you stay married"? It's not for the kid - your phrase "I tell myself.." says you don't believe it. So there's nothing there to stay glued to. "mouth shut and ears open" is exactly what a person does to an enemy. You do not act like someone who should stay.

Move on.
Great question. I think it comes down to several things. I grew up with an abusive step parent and I am paranoid my wife would end up in the same kind of relationship with my child.
I believe I am co-dependent more than I realized.
I was in the military. Perhaps that is why I have a kind of black and white way of seeing things.

Eyes open, mouth shut.
Definitely.

Is this how you really want to spend the rest of your life??

I’m sorry and good luck
I know a ****ty way to live. You are right.

Let me understand, you are staying in the marriage for the kid, yeah bad idea. However, you are concerned that you wife may be having an affair.

Well yes she probably is, or is fixing to, and she really thinks you are stupid by the way, the way that she brought it up.

So yeah, mouth shut eyes open, check her phone, VAR and all of that.

But I am with @personofinterest and everyone else... Why do you care?

Let's ask some other questions:

1) Do you want out of the marriage and are you looking for a good reason?

2) Why do you want out and besides the child, why have you not tried to move on?

3) Do you want to work on the marriage, or is it just dead to you.

4) Do you actually love your wife?

5) Do you guys have any type of sex life?

I would really like to know the answers to all of those questions. It would give us all a clearer picture.

But yeah, she is either banging this guy or wants too, which means she will...
Yeah, a cute big guy that gives gifts and offers night time helicopter rides to married ladies he meets at work... Nah, nothing to worry about. YOu're overreacting. Just give the guy a box of condoms and tell him good luck with your wife, since he's made it clear what he's after and you don't enjoy competing for your wife with other men-- but don't want to raise kids who aren't yours. Shame him, shame her.

Cute big guy with the helicopter. Geez. Does it get any more obvious?
I do love my wife in a weird way I think. Although I was not when we first married.
I do think she wants to bang him.
We do have sex about once per week. Relationship wise it is the least fulfilling sex I have had.
I am not sure how much I want to work on the marriage. Part of me does then when this kind of **** happens I think **** it. If she ****s around I will do the same to her, and I wont use a condom either.
I think I am to afraid to move on at the moment.
 

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Discussion Starter #65
Why does she accept gifts and want to go fly around with another man she describes as cute?

She is shopping. She may have already bought the new car.
She may have already, although I do not think she has yet.


Has your wife cheated before?
No I don't believe so. But as a buddy said for some people they cheat at the drop of a hat. He said other people it takes a long time to get to that stage. He thinks my wife maybe the latter.

**********I did not say anything other than "that's cool" **********

That's a bit telling in how you maybe ended up in your current position.
Oh definitely.

You don't love your wife and don't really want to be married to her.

Have you been truthful to her about why you are still in the marriage?
Hardly. Its confusing at times. I do believe part of me loves her. I don't love being married. A couple of years ago after a huge blowout. My fault I lied to her about the meds I was meant to be taking she said she told me she was only with me because of our daughter.

This is the part that's confusing me. If you don't love your wife and you are together just for the kids, why are you upset about her being attracted to another man?
Great question. Perhaps my ego?
 

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I didn't read that far, so forgive me if this has been said. But you mentioned you are only staying for the kid in your OP. Why would you then be worried about her cheating on you? If you are that checked out of the marriage, why are you surprised she is checked out and thus checking out other men?

Sounds like a case of making the bed you lie in.
 

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Discussion Starter #68
If nothing else, proof gives peace of mind.
Yes hence the VAR.

It's when they stop talking about the big cute guy at work is when you should worry.
This was the first time she had brought him up in a while. Was proof to me that she has been likely talking to him on and off for a couple of years.

Better yet: ask when he is taking her and you.

This man wants to get into your WW's pants. End of story time to shut the
OM relationship down. Wives have no business taking gifts from men.
I agree with you.

I’m not concerned with the gift. If it’s a company bag with a logo, a T-shirt and a ball cap it doesn’t sound personal, rather most likely something they have laying around to give to people. But I work in purchasing and get these types of “gifts” all the time.

When my husband worked at a soft drink company, I gave a male coworker some “clothing swag” that I got from my husband because he’d asked me a couple times if I could get him some stuff.

Definitely mouth closed and eyes open on the rest though.
Interesting points. Here though the gifts were targeted primarily at my wife I believe, not me. Although, they may have been for me as well IDK.

While I see some Red Flags here on both her part and your's OP, I think we need more information before we can proceed. The question is, what do you want? Do you want out of this Marriage and want to use this as the excuse needed to do that? Or, do you want to save your Marriage? If so, Why? That 'just for the kids' excuse is just that. An excuse. You need to determine if you still love this woman and if you find that you do, then you need to put the breaks on this with a quickness. If you don't love her then you need to put the breaks on this sham of a Marriage with a quickness. While its nice if you were honest with us on this, the person you need to be honest most with is yourself. So you need to start asking yourself some questions first before you proceed.
I don't know if I know what I want to be honest.
I would likely use this as an excuse to exit marriage. Sometimes I want to save marriage other times not.
 

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Discussion Starter #69
Kettle,

You know damn good and well something is going on or you would not be here. Secondly, if you are not in love with her as you have stated and you are only staying for your daughter, I have to wonder why you even care? Your position on this matter is grossly illogical. I will be you a six pack of your favorite beer there has been something going on between copter boy and your wife. Deep down you already know.

You are getting the VAR so I will ask you why? She very likely knows you are not in love with her, she is likely not in love with you or she and copter boy would not be so chummy. Therefore, why stay married and go to all of the trouble you are going to? You are not being fair to your wife in my opinion. Why stay married to someone you do not love?
Good points.

Exactly, Lonely Husband. My question is if he catches her handling copter boy's cyclic stick, what the hell is he going to do about it. Besides, who can blame her for searching for a replacement, either temporary or permanently. Just because her wants to hang around only for the kids doesn't means she's got to sign on for his deal. If he doesn't like her diddling around with other guys, hit the trail.
Oh yeah I need to point out the guy is not a pilot he is a paramedic riding in the back.
 

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When the time is right and she unlocks the phone grab it and lock yourself in bathroom/bedroom.

Screen shot what you find and send it to yourself. (Remember cheating wives ofter put the other mans number under a friends female name.)

She will be mad, tell her that your marriage is not strong and is hurting, and going on dates with the big cute guy at work us a big red flag to you.

Remind her she told you she is only with you because of your daughter.

Tell her if she wants to date she should divorce you first and not cross these lines.

You are not ok with her pairing up with this guy and you NEVER will be.

He is hitting on a married women with children and that is so disrespectful (to her as a women, a person, and to your marriage).

Tell her, "you can try to spin it, but this is the typical cheater approach, period!!!!"

If she threatens divorce because of what you do and say, tell her that is much preferable to what she it inching up to now, and is a far better example to her daughter.

What would she tell her daughter in these exact same circumstances, with her husband objecting?
 

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Discussion Starter #71
1.Helicopter guy is not a pilot. He is a paramedic in the back of the medical evacuation chopper. Now I also looked at the company website and it states they can give "ride alongs" to emergency room personnel which my wife is as she is a nurse at the hospital.

2. Discovered wife had an extra 5000 dollars of credit card debt she tried to keep from me. Some from before we were married and some just after.

3. 2-3 weeks ago I found a credit card when I was going to buy stuff for our camping trip. Wife said grab it out of my purse. I pulled out the "wrong" one. She looked startled and said of that is an old before we were married and does not work. So, 3 minutes ago I tried it online hoping it would not work. Surprise, surprise it worked! Card is still active despite the lie she told me.


4. A couple of days after she blurted out about "cute big guy" and about an hour after we had sex she said hugged me and said "your the only one for me." Maybe nothing but I though unusual considering the comment a couple of days earlier.
 

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First, you need to decide whether or not you want to be in this marriage. If you don’t, just file.

If you do want to be in this marriage, you need to shut this guy down now. Find out if he has a wife. If he does, or even if it’s just a girlfriend reach out to the girlfriend or wife without telling your wife or helicopter guy. Tell her That he is hitting on your wife.

At this point, I would say that you don’t need definitive proof. I would make the claim, and then let him prove his innocence to his wife/girlfriend.
 

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First, you need to decide whether or not you want to be in this marriage. If you don’t, just file.

If you do want to be in this marriage, you need to shut this guy down now. Find out if he has a wife. If he does, or even if it’s just a girlfriend reach out to the girlfriend or wife without telling your wife or helicopter guy. Tell her That he is hitting on your wife.

At this point, I would say that you don’t need definitive proof. I would make the claim, and then let him prove his innocence to his wife/girlfriend.
That is good advice for the most part. I am working on finding out more about this guy. Currently I do not even know his name. I am hoping VAR will tell me more.

As for the marriage I am definitely mixed. If anybody else I would tell them to get out. I just look at my little girl and I am sure she would be crushed if her mom and I were divorced. I have two cousins who are still married only because of the kids. One said to me a while ago I never thought I would stay in a bad marriage for the sake of the children, and now here I am he said.
 

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The red flags about a potential near-future are all over the place.

Her comment about you being the only one for her is a HUGE red flag that it is about to happen for the first time or that it just did!


If you want this marriage you need to tell the wife/girlfriend NOW!! Research the guy and blow up his world! Then tell your wife that if she wants to stay in the marriage, you have scheduled a polygraph test for her! Her reaction will probably tell you all you need to know!

Good luck and stay strong!
 

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Discussion Starter #75
The red flags about a potential near-future are all over the place.

Her comment about you being the only one for her is a HUGE red flag that it is about to happen for the first time or that it just did!


If you want this marriage you need to tell the wife/girlfriend NOW!! Research the guy and blow up his world! Then tell your wife that if she wants to stay in the marriage, you have scheduled a polygraph test for her! Her reaction will probably tell you all you need to know!

Good luck and stay strong!
Thanks. Interesting night. I am pacing all over the place, I doubt I will sleep much. As I said earlier about an hour ago, I got the credit card that was supposedly closed(she never told me about it, I found it and it is active. Not shut. So that is further evidence she is a liar..
 

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4. A couple of days after she blurted out about "cute big guy" and about an hour after we had sex she said hugged me and said "your the only one for me." Maybe nothing but I though unusual considering the comment a couple of days earlier.
Yeah she was carpet bombing you to throw you off the scent.

It happens alot, it is a big red flag.

Big cute guy has been with her already, they are just trying to figure out a way to join the mile high club without raising your suspicions.
 

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Discussion Starter #77
Yeah she was carpet bombing you to throw you off the scent.

It happens alot, it is a big red flag.

Big cute guy has been with her already, they are just trying to figure out a way to join the mile high club without raising your suspicions.

Yeah I kind of think you might be right. I am yet not totally willing(likely denial on my part) to believe(until I get proof) that she ha messed around on me yet. Although if it has not happened it is about to.
 

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Kettle,

1) You need to break into that phone. Much of what you need to know is in it.

2) That credit card, clearly the monthly bills are either online or going to her job. If online is she using a computer at home? If so install spyware. Run a credit check on her. You have her SS number on your tax returns. That will tell you what she is listing as a home address, like the hospital. You might find other debt she is creating behind your back. Myself, I would figure a way to to get a list of all the charges going back as far as you 2 were married.

3) VAR in the car along with a GPS.

4) Any friends at her work who can report on what she is doing?

Sorry you are here and hate to advise this but your posts have too many red flags to ignore. You have caught her in at least one glaring lie and there are probably more. Blurting out CUTE BIG GUY is too much. Right in front of your child.

Stop wasting time and just do it.
 

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When was the last time she told you that she only remains married to you for the child? How many times has she said that? Has she ever taken it back?

As far as your lying to her -You have to own that and fix it. If you never fixed it you pretty much gave her a pass to lie whenever she wants.
 

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This could just be an escalation, but they have had a long connection, and many opportunities.

Men and women are wired to meet and mate fairly quickly.

You could tell her, "I will never share my wife with another man, nor do I want to live a lie, if you have cheated or plan to lets just call it quits, and have an open marriage until the divorce is final."

If our relationship has run its course, lets move on.

After all these years there is no reason we should lie, cheat, and betray each other.
 
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