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6K views 68 replies 18 participants last post by  ccpowerslave 
#1 ·
I see a few people on here who seem absolutely convinced that there is no way that sex can possibly be something needed for some people to maintain a bond. I was wondering if that is a true feeling or a visceral response to the immediate attacks on the LD spouse by a large portion of the comunity?
 
#4 ·
My Dear Hubby passed away in 2017 at 59 years old from heart failure. It took 5 years. The last year of his life we loved physically by hugging and kissing but he couldn’t do PIV. We were able to maintain our marital bond joyfully.

Are you suggesting that a couple can not maintain intimacy without sex? What about those who serve our country and lose limbs or are injured? They can’t stay happily married? I beg to differ!
 
#12 ·
My Dear Hubby passed away in 2017 at 59 years old from heart failure. It took 5 years. The last year of his life we loved physically by hugging and kissing but he couldn’t do PIV. We were able to maintain our marital bond joyfully.

Are you suggesting that a couple can not maintain intimacy without sex? What about those who serve our country and lose limbs or are injured? They can’t stay happily married? I beg to differ!
I am sorry for your loss.
It was more of an honest question, rather than a suggestion. Although this was the type of answer I wa looking for. Well sort of at least. A solid reason for this belief.
 
#5 ·
Generally, sexual intimacy is an important part of building and maintaining a strong emotional bond in marriage. It is however, not the only thing that is required. Non-sexual intimacy is equally important, especially to women.

A lot of people mistakenly think that when a person loses sexual desire for their spouse that it's due to them being LD. That's not the case. Most spouses how lose sexual desire are not LD sexually. They lose the emotional connection to their spouse and therefore lose the desire to have sex with their spouse.

Another misunderstanding on the topic that most people have is that for some reason most think that in the vast majority of cases, it's the wife who loses interest in sex. That's not true. Men are as likely to chose to make the marriage sexless as women are.

If this happens in a marriage it can be repaired fairly easily if both spouses are willing to work together.
 
#13 ·
Generally, sexual intimacy is an important part of building and maintaining a strong emotional bond in marriage. It is however, not the only thing that is required. Non-sexual intimacy is equally important, especially to women.

A lot of people mistakenly think that when a person loses sexual desire for their spouse that it's due to them being LD. That's not the case. Most spouses how lose sexual desire are not LD sexually. They lose the emotional connection to their spouse and therefore lose the desire to have sex with their spouse.

Another misunderstanding on the topic that most people have is that for some reason most think that in the vast majority of cases, it's the wife who loses interest in sex. That's not true. Men are as likely to chose to make the marriage sexless as women are.

If this happens in a marriage it can be repaired fairly easily if both spouses are willing to work together.
This thought process is close to mine.

I saw a post earlier that popped up from a little while back where a LD wife came on and knew something was wrong because she lost sexual interest in her husband. The amount of people who jumped on this woman so quickly made me sick. It got me wondering. If this was why some people on here who in other posts seem to be intelligent and empathetic would assume to know the needs and feelings of someone else. I just figured it was a way at slapping back.
 
#6 · (Edited)
LD(?) spouse just doesn't want sex with their partner any more.
Different if person not wanting sex is old or ill.

There are two reasons for living with a woman ...
1) You want sex.
2) You miss your mom.

I'm a 1) guy but I've met plenty of 2) guys.
If I didn't want sex, I'd prefer to live alone or house share with a male friend.
 
#17 ·
There are two reasons for living with a woman ...
1) You want sex.
2) You miss your mom.
I'm going to go a step further and say that if a man is with woman but is not wanting a sex life with her - he simply wants a live-in maid and Wife Appliance and probably a surrogate mommy to wash his underwear and sort his socks and feed him.

There's no other explanation for man to continue living with a woman he does not want to have sex with, unless he is getting the sex somewhere else.

I had a couple female roommates over the years in my young and single days. But I had girlfriends that I had sex with and my roommates had boyfriends that they had sex with. We were never posing as a couple.
 
#7 ·
i know a woman that lived with her cats , she had a bond with them but not sex ,
room mates can have a good bond without sex even same sex room mates ,
a lot depends on what you call a bond
 
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#8 ·
To be fair to the op I think he means the withdrawal of sexual activity by one partner in a relationship for reasons other than health or physical disability.
If my wife decided tomorrow that sex isn’t going to happen very often in the future just because, then I would divorce her. I would still love her and I wouldn’t cheat but I wouldn’t be prepared to live in a sexless relationship.
And she knows this.
 
#11 ·
there is no simple response to this , we get posters that say they love their husband or wife but don't feel the need for sex any more , we get people that say they love but then start a list of things they don't like about the other person
sometimes it looks like cheating themselves into thinking they still love the other
 
#14 ·
I'm not trying to insult anyone here. I try to understand things from other people's point of view. I understand why the people who jump on the LD spouse do it on here( I disagree with them doing it but I understand why ). What I don't understand is how so much certainty can be put into judging what someone else needs to feel bonded to another.

Myself I went through a long low point of intimacy with my wife. I obviously didn't like it whatsoever, and it did diminish the bond. It was most hurtful that she felt there was no problem because it wasn't HER problem, while anytime she had a problem or something was lacking then it was our problem. To make a very long story short, we found mental illness is involved. We have a bit of an understanding now and it works for us. Not saying that it would work for everyone but we both try to be more understanding of how the other feels.( I know I don't always convey my thoughts in a coherent manner and I apologize for not being as clear as I try to be).
 
#16 ·
There are a lot of moving parts and nuances to this. Relationships can be very complex and there is no one-size-fits-all.

IMHO romance/sexuality is what makes our special someone special and what separates that relationship from all the rest. If the sexuality is gone, then that person becomes just another friend, just another roommate, just another person at the dinner table over at family get togethers and sometimes just another person on the street.

I think where some of hostility and animosity you refer comes from was stated by @Jamieboy in post #9.

The bad vibes come from when one party declares the sexual component of the relationship over, but then expects the other to completely accept that and continue with all the other aspects of the relationship as if everything was just hunky dory.

I'm sorry, if you expect me to rub your feet and back at the end of a hard day, change your flat tires alongside the road in the rain, go out into the night to get you diarrhea medicine, cuddle you and tell you how much I love and care for you, unclog your toilet and kill spiders for you, you're going to need to be addressing my needs as well.

If you expect me to be sexually exclusive to you and expect me to love and cherish only you, then you need to be meeting those needs in me as well.

I don't have contempt or resentment for people who are not sexually attracted to me. 99.9999% of the Earth's population are not attracted to me. No hard feelings.

But if you expect me to provide you with all the trimmings and all the benefits of a full-service relationship but you wouldn't touch me with a 10 foot pole - yeah, sorry, that ain't gonna work.

And unlike many here, I do not believe that age, health or medical condition is an excuse or exemption for denying your partner physical intimacy. Yes, those things may prevent actual PIV intercourse, but PIV is just one facet of a huge spectrum of physical intimacy. There are countless other things that can be done to show physical affection and intimacy. Many times it is the thought and effort that count.

Personally, I would much rather get a HJ from someone who was sincerely desirous of me and wanted to touch me and be with me than someone who says, "OK fine, make it quick, my show is coming on in ten minutes" and then spread their legs for me to climb on and use their body to masturbate with.

So the animosity and resentment you are picking up is not from not having sex per se. One can have a loss of emotional connection and loss of warm and close and intimate feelings from lack of sex, but that is not often the root of the hostility. The hostility and resentment is from the rejection and not trying to meet the other's needs while still expecting the other to continue providing all the other benefits and expecting the other to continue joyfully providing them.
 
#15 ·
We are all different. Some people can maintain the bond without sex, others can't (myself included). Also, it depends on how much sex is important to you. If the LD spouse is not prepared to compromise or meeting the needs of the partner, and sex is very important to you, there is only one outcome.
 
#21 ·
I think people can be bonded without sex. I know I'm certainly bonded to my kids, cats, and close friends. There are different types of emotional bonds and we probably all experience more then one.

A sexual bond is unique and its in a lot of peoples DNA to desire it. I know I do, but if that isn't something one requires then they can live without it and bond over other things.

I do think it's difficult to bond sexually when only one partner feels said bond. I know that while I want a sexual bond I won't be able to have one with a man who doesn't bond sexually.
 
#33 ·
I suspect all the people who responded to this post with negative feelings, probably tried, as I did, to get their needs met by compromise and reason. However, it fell on deaf ears and thats when the resentment builds, I was stuck in a cycle of having a conversation, getting duty sex for a few weeks and then back to nothing.

Its the hardest thing to walk away from a relationship when their is no cataclysmic event. I have no regrets about my decision, just regrets about the collateral damage that was caused.

I feel so strongly about the lack of respect involved, that I don't blame any spouse who says either you meet my needs or i will get them met elsewhere, fair warning. Some will say divorce first, but when the honour part of the vows are gone, so be it.
 
#51 ·
OldShirt, I don't know how old your kids are, but I hope you've considered what type of role model you are being to them deliberately being unhelpful because your wife isn't having sex (something they should not be affected by since they should have no idea). Kids learn from you. Thankfully, they are not in the bedroom and that stuff shouldn't touch them, but they see how you treat her about all this other stuff and how she reacts to it. Do you want your daughter falling for someone who treats her as inconsiderately as you're treating the mother of your children because she thinks that's normal?

I'm just saying confine your recalcitrance to things intimate (like the foot rubbing or I love yous) and keep it away from the kids and don't do things to put a cog in the wheel of the running of the household. In other words, confine all that to behind the bedroom door (assuming you're even still in the same room).

Adding to this since I just read the one you just wrote. If you have kids, you have an equal obligation to provide for them, even in those bad situations. If you don't have kids -- for God's sake, divorce if things are that bad. If it's against your religion or something like that, then at least live separately.
 
#54 ·
OldShirt, I don't know how old your kids are, but I hope you've considered what type of role model you are being to them deliberately being unhelpful because your wife isn't having sex (something they should not be affected by since they should have no idea). Kids learn from you. Thankfully, they are not in the bedroom and that stuff shouldn't touch them, but they see how you treat her about all this other stuff and how she reacts to it. Do you want your daughter falling for someone who treats her as inconsiderately as you're treating the mother of your children because she thinks that's normal?

I'm just saying confine your recalcitrance to things intimate (like the foot rubbing or I love yous) and keep it away from the kids and don't do things to put a cog in the wheel of the running of the household. In other words, confine all that to behind the bedroom door (assuming you're even still in the same room).

Adding to this since I just read the one you just wrote. If you have kids, you have an equal obligation to provide for them, even in those bad situations. If you don't have kids -- for God's sake, divorce if things are that bad. If it's against your religion or something like that, then at least live separately.
Please understand I was talking in generalities and in a conceptual format and not talking about any specifics of my situation. AT ALL.

I am not in a loveless or technically sexless marriage. ( we may not be swinging from the chandeliers and I may not have any recent stories to share on Penthouse Forum but we are not loveless, affectionless or sexless per se)

I do my share of work in the home and in the family because it needs to be done.

I give backrubs and foot rubs freely without expectation.

I am cuddly and affectionate by nature.

I am very loving, supportive and highly involved in my kid's lives.

My situation is NOTHING like you are describing above. You have misunderstood something I have said terribly.

Again, I was NOT describing my situation or my home life at all. It was a conceptual point that for me to be in an exclusive, emotionally invested and mutually supportive relationship, there must be an element of romantic/sexual/affectionate component.
 
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