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I will try and keep this as short as I can, My fiance and I have been engaged since June - We moved in together this past March. Our relationship has been a rollercoaster and after several trust issues I felt that she had proved herself thus me popping the question.

Just the other night, we attended my friends' engagement party, my ex girlfriend who I had dated for 3 years - which was about 3 years prior to meeting my fiance was at the party. I opted not to tell her that my ex would be there because she is a bit irrational when it comes to these things. I admit I was wrong for not telling her, and it was a huge mistake on my part.

She has been telling her friends and family how I have lied to her and that she is very hurt over this lie. She knows I love her but she doesn't know why I didn't tell her.

She recently became friendly with a security guard at her job, she works retail and closes. She doesn't like being alone, so he comes and stays with her while she closes. She has told me about him and it didn't bother me until they started to text one another back and forth....

This is where I fear curiosity killed the cat...her phone was on the couch and she was sleeping in our bedroom, I decided to take a look since when I did in the past, I always found something that she wasn't telling me. Sure enough, she called him last night to vent about our fight, and the text messages said that "sorry for my drunken rant, i know i was saying things like ohh if i were single haha" His response was "well idk if that is a good or a bad thing but I am glad I met you" It appears that he has a girlfriend but she had asked him to come by the store during this week on the three nights that she closes because she "wishes he was there" She also said that he is her pick-me-up...

I feel like I should confront her on this, two wrongs do not make a right. I admit, not telling her that my ex was at the party was wrong, but it is also wrong for her to be speaking to this person

Any suggestions? Advice? Am I losing my marbles? Thanks in advance...


-A very lost fiance...:(
 

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Looks like you have an EA on your hands.

I don't understand why you would even take your fiancee to that party, if she is insecure.

Of course, she should realize that your ex is no threat and have more confidence in you too.
 

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What is an EA? I know, but ever since we moved in together I don't really see my friends. We just had our engagement party two weeks ago, my friend has asked me to be in the bridal party. I feel that if I told her, she would have asked me not to go to the party thus causing issues with my friend.

We left the party early....so either way I lose.

Should I confront her about this? I asked her if she spoke to anyone else about this, she didn't mention the security guard.
 

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Emotional Affair. Your fiancee is being inappropriately open and flirting with another man.

If you confront your fiancee, she will know that you snooped. If dealing with the fallout from that action does not bother you, then you should discuss it with her.

Try fishing and see if she bites. Start talking about work friends and the importance of appropriate boundaries.
 

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I have snooped before - and found that she had been talking with an ex that was entered in her phone as her friend Brittni...

When I confronted her on it, she twisted that arguement on me saying how I don't trust her - Which I don't...

I am thinking about going to the store tomorrow after she closes and see if he is there, I can see how she reacts.

I am just so lost...I feel that no matter what I do to prove my love to her, it is never good enough.
 

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So confront her about this and say that is unacceptable?

I spoke with my parents about it, my Mother suggest that I "scare" her and she what happens. Maybe stay at home for a week or so to think things over.

I just feel like I have invested so much into her emotionally that starting over would be too painful..
 

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Bullsh*t.

She is not behaving like someone in love, someone who is crazy about you and wants to make a life together.... this is not how engaged people act.

It shouldn't even be this much work at this point, or any point.... it means that it shouldn't even happen.

I'd tell her what you know, and that it is bull, and that the engagement is off. Why be engaged to someone who is not that into you?
 

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Discussion Starter #10
And just the other day she bought me this messanger bag I've been talking about and gave me this really sweet card saying how grateful she is that I am in her life. How I have stuck with her through the ups and downs and I am her everything.

So at this point, confront her - and maybe take a "break" for now? I just feel that if I don't take care of this now it will just turn into something that I won't have any control over.

I want to be clear, the text messages that he has sent, aside from the one saying he was glad they met - they have been very unthreatening.

Suggestions on what to do next?
 

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Sounds like there is a lack of trust and insecurities on both sides. That's a lot to deal with and marriage is not going to make it go away nor will it make it better. I don't think confronting her at work is a good idea, but you do need to get things out in the open.

It is not clear whether there is something going on at her work, but
after several trust issues I felt that she had proved herself thus me popping the question
What were the trust issues and how did she "prove" herself?

You brought her to a public place (the party) and got her ambushed by an ex. Sounds like one heck of a sh#$t test. And looks like she failed. So.....???:scratchhead:
 

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Dude, there are so many other good women out there. You really shouldn't have to work this hard to be in love with someone. call off the engagement until further notice. Tell her this will give you both time to work on "us".
 

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I really hope you aren't getting married anytime soon. This is not something to rug sweep.

Personally, after what I've been through, I would be running away as fast as I could. I mean, for the love of God, the two of you aren't even married yet and she flat out lied about the other dude on the phone. You are telling me she had an ex beau entered in as a girl and tried to make excuses about it? That's messed up, dude.
 

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Don't marry her. You will be here in a year or two talking about how betrayed you are after finding out about her cheating. It will happen.
I would listen to sinnister here. She can get all bent out of shape if you do it but when it comes to her, you better get down on your knees and bow down to her.

And how can the messages be just friendly banter. She wants him to come down on his day off (from what you've posted it seems like it's his days off since she wants him to be there one those 3 nights) to be with her and that's not threatening? Really.....

Why isn't she asking you, her damn fiance to be there when she closes? When my wife (before we got married) used to work at a clinic and she closed, she always called me to come there and help her close up because it was late. Man, are you deluded thinking it's all innocent.

As for you not telling her your ex was going to be there, dumb move on your part. Live and learn.

And this isn't the 1st time either so good luck there buddy. If they don't learn the 1st time, they don't usually learn until they get burned. And your mom's idea of scaring her is not getting burned, it's a slap on the wrist because you're still going to take her back.

Call of the wedding and let her work her behind off to prove to you that she's really changed, if you REALLY, REALLY, REALLY HAVE TO HAVE THIS ONE.
If not, run like crazy and don't ever look back.
 

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You need to be careful because you,
Don't wanna fall on a razor's edge and
You feel at ease you're begging please
Don't take her down for nothing.
 

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I've got to say it, since no-one else will.....

You're BOTH TOO YOUNG/IMMATURE to get married. By immature I do not mean babyish, I mean you haven't even finished developing your personalities, you haven't even experienced life on your own, but you're all rarin' to go to hook up with someone else "FOREVER" (which, in all actuality with the problems you two are looking at, will probably be more like 2-3 years.)

Save yourselves the headache and CALL OFF THE WEDDING.
STOP LIVING TOGETHER.
Give yourself (to heck with your fiancee) 5-10 more YEARS to finish GROWING UP!

1. You cannot TELL her that your ex-GF will be a social function that you have an obligation to attend (as a member of the wedding party) because she is so DRAMATIC that it will upset her.

2. Your fiancee cannot act maturely enough to hang out at someone ELSE'S special day (an engagement party, no less) for the few hours a social function lasts because......apparently, life is ALL ABOUT HER! It's not as though it was just her, you and ex-GF. Your fiancee needs to GROW UP, MATURE, and get over herself.

3. You admit your relationship is ALREADY a rollercoaster! Marriage ain't gonna straighten out the curves on THAT RIDE, buddy!

4. Your fiancee has ALREADY LIED TO YOU SIGNIFICANTLY by hiding an ex-BF's phone number under a girl's name and then REFUSING to woman-up about it.

5. Your fiancee is starting an emotional affair with a guy at work because he's convenient, sympathetic, etc. They are already inappropriately talking about your relationship and TEXTING each other.

If you continue LIVING WITH THIS girl/woman (she's NOT a woman yet), then you DESERVE the misery, and DRAMA, the upheaval your life will be because WE'RE WARNING YOU NOW. You ALREADY KNOW that something is very WRONG here, or you wouldn't even have come looking for this website.

If you continue to be engaged to this person, then expect that NOTHING will change except that YOU will continue to be wondering about her wandering eye, her texting, her 'nights out', her next crying bout with her family! This girl is NOT ready for a committed relationship with ANYONE. She may be more interested in the PERCEPTION of adult living (your own apartment, a diamond ring, etc.) than she is about the REALITY OF COMMITTMENT and striving TOGETHER TO BUILD SOMETHING MEANINGFUL.

YOU *LIE* TO *HER*....omg, buy that girl a MIRROR.
 

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Do not pass go, do not marry....You could look at this as a blessing.... catching this before you did the dirty deed.

No man should marry a woman they can't be honest with, feeling they are walking on "egg shells" -over her heightened Drama...this is no way to live & furthermore, she has no inkling on what being an honest woman is...

Open heartfelt communication is the foundation of every healthy marraige....you humbly go to each other with your hurts, not reaching out to another for solace....this has been shown to be slaughtered ....I'd tell her exactly what you found (if it was me- that is - I would not be ashamed either)...She was to be your wife... her phone ~ your phone, your phone ~ her phone. An attitude of anything less...(after this knowledge).... neither of you are prepared to share a life together. There is a reason they say..."the 2 shall become one".

A willing transparency & openness towards each other -in all things - most especially conflict, hurt feelings, questions, doubt.... absolutely ESSENTIAL - if you want a marriage to survive and thrive.
 

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You think you're too "emotionally" invested? Wait until two years down the road, you finally realized you can't turn a hoe into a housewife and you're emotionally, financially, and physically invested into this chick for the REST OF YOUR LIFE! And for the next 18-24 years you will write her a check every month to subsidize her whoring ways! Run, run run! Next time she is taking a nap, dig through her purse and find your balls!
 

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The security guard was telling her that he is glad that he met her.

Women eat this stuff up. Soon, (if she hasn't already), she will be asking "Why can't my fiancee be as sweet as the security guard?"

She has already complained to him about you.

Men eat this stuff up. They think "Trouble in paradise and a damsel in distress? Time to put on my shining armor and get on my white horse."

Face the facts-she is at the very least, infatuated with this new "hero" in her life, and in her eyes, you are failing to measure up.

Call off the marriage while you can still get out.
 
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