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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
It's mid February - couples in normal relationships should have had sex about 18 times by now this year. I myself am at 1. Woopidy doo!. I told my wife a few weeks ago that I was not going to live in a sexless marriage - she begged and pleaded she would do anything. A few nights later it happened. Now 6 weeks into the year looking at the big picture it's same ole same ole. We had a night off from the kids the other night and guess what 12 hours before their departure the sickness began to set in. I told her don't worry as soon as the kids get back you should start recovering. So tired of this. Anybody else here had sex more than once this year? If so, I am jealous!
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Well..... what now?

Are you really willing to end your marriage over this? Otherwise don't threaten it... that's not nice.

Maybe it's time to show her how deadly serious you are. Find a rental house/apartment and move out. File for D.

It may make her realize what she is about to lose and she'll do what she needs to OR one or the other of you will decided your happier apart.

Either way life should improve for you both and you'll be able to build new lives with more compatible people.

Personally I've had more sex since the weekend than you've had this year. I couldn't live in a sexless marriage either. It would be soul destroying.

Wishing you a better life!
 

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It's mid February - couples in normal relationships should have had sex about 18 times by now this year. I myself am at 1. Woopidy doo!. I told my wife a few weeks ago that I was not going to live in a sexless marriage - she begged and pleaded she would do anything. A few nights later it happened. Now 6 weeks into the year looking at the big picture it's same ole same ole. We had a night off from the kids the other night and guess what 12 hours before their departure the sickness began to set in. I told her don't worry as soon as the kids get back you should start recovering. So tired of this. Anybody else here had sex more than once this year? If so, I am jealous!
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Why might your wife not want sex with you?

Does she hold resentment for anything?

Have you discussed this with her to any depth?

Have you looked into "manning up"?
 

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As we are 50 days into the year then my guess is I have had sex somewhere between 40 and 60 times this year.

I am not telling you this to show off. I am telling you because I was once where you were and to have even had it once by mid Feb would have been a high number.

Look it is the pits to be in a sexless marriage and honestly I doubt you have much chance of changing that. So you know what your options are, you either put up with it or move on. I really feel terrible for you because both options are incredibly painful but either way you need to find the strength to make the final decision.

I really do wish you well.
 

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For my wife and I, I would say we've had sex about 18 times since January, about 3x per week on overall average. I'm good with that but more is definitely better.

Maybe your wife doesn't feel as sexy after having the kids due to weight gain.

Maybe after 2 kids, her hormonal levels are still off and meds are needed.

Have you gained weight and are not as attractive to her?

Raising 2 kids is a job in itself, so I'm sure that takes a lot out of her.

Try this:

Before she gets up, put flowers were she would most likely go in the morning, romantic card, maybe some chocolate treat. Before you leave for work, give her a big hug and rub her back. My wife loves this and falls into me.

Find a common sexual ground. If you have a HD, she has a LD, maybe 3x EVERY week?

Get a baby sitter and take her out to a nice romantic restaurant, movie, nice walk by the beach or park, maybe sit and watch the sky and stars and talk......go from there.
 

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OP,

I'm not far behind you. Sex 4 or 5 times since New Years and and her's how my days from valentines have gone:

Thu - VD - No sex. I have been off of work since Thu but she had to work Fri AM. I let myself believe that this was the reason.

Fri - Dinner with friends. Then out to a bar to hear a band we like with these same folks. Danced, laughed, played darts. During this entire time, she would rub my butt, kiss and ug me, sit on my lap etc. Get home and she gets into bed, rolls on her side (back to me) and proceeds to pass out and sleep. I figure "OK, she had a little too much to drink" and let it be (she did have a little too much that night). The next morning, NOTHING

Sat - Think I might be getting the cold she just had. There's a neighbor's party that she (and I) really don't want to go to. Her BFF also said she wasnt going especially if my wife wasn't. Wife tells BFF to text her if she's going. I think "Great, a night in and a chance to make it happen". After a trip to the mall, we are at home and wife stats to text BFF if she's going to the party (WTF, I thought we were staying home?) This starts around 9 PM and involves about 2 or 3 texts to the BFF.

Bff gets back to her about 20 minutes later that she's at the party that started 2 hours earlier. Wife asks if it's OK to go to party (by this time I realized that she wanted to go regardless of how I felt physically). I decided that I wouldn't say no and let her go hang with BFF (BTW, BFF married too and husband is also at party as well as going out with us the night before). Wife is out the door in under 10 minutes! She got home around midnight

Sun - Wife was asked to go to a planning meeting for a collegue's retirement a few weeks ago. She tells me she doesn't want to go. I say fine, tell them we have plans with friends for dinner. She agrees. Meeting was to start at 6 PM last night. At 6:15, her BFF texts her asking where she is (she never told anyone she wasn't going to be there). She texts BFF that we're out to dinner with friends. BFF says to come by after. Within 20 minutes she's out the door! I went to bed at 10 and she still wasn't home. Around 9:30 she texts that they were having coffee and she's be home soon. I told her I took something to help me sleep so she could stay where she was (I know that's a bit passive/aggressive)

Think she got home around 11. Cleaned some stuff in kitchen, went to bed, rolled on side, went to sleep

Have done the readings, had talks and even did counseling a few years ago. Things improved but didn't last after every effort that was made.

If I was younger, I would do as Waiwera has outlined.

It's too late for me. I'm in way too deep to get out now without serious financial issues for the two of us and the 3 kids. I would get a room somewhere if I could afford to just to get away but where I live, just a room goes for about $400/month

Run now if you can! Don't let this be you!
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Why might your wife not want sex with you?

Does she hold resentment for anything?

Have you discussed this with her to any depth?

Have you looked into "manning up"?
I think she resents me for being pretty successful at work and providing her with luxuries such as a maid and not having to work. Yes I have discussed in depth - her answer is always that she is just not interested in sex. Have I manned up - yep - undoubtedly. Sometimes I think she is a lesbian...
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
For my wife and I, I would say we've had sex about 18 times since January, about 3x per week on overall average. I'm good with that but more is definitely better.

Maybe your wife doesn't feel as sexy after having the kids due to weight gain.

Maybe after 2 kids, her hormonal levels are still off and meds are needed.

Have you gained weight and are not as attractive to her?

Raising 2 kids is a job in itself, so I'm sure that takes a lot out of her.

Try this:

Before she gets up, put flowers were she would most likely go in the morning, romantic card, maybe some chocolate treat. Before you leave for work, give her a big hug and rub her back. My wife loves this and falls into me.

Find a common sexual ground. If you have a HD, she has a LD, maybe 3x EVERY week?

Get a baby sitter and take her out to a nice romantic restaurant, movie, nice walk by the beach or park, maybe sit and watch the sky and stars and talk......go from there.
No she is by no means in attractive, I would go as far to say she could be in a magazine as a model. I have not gained weight, I am slightly below average for my height. She has more help than 99% of people raising kids. Yes I do romantic things frequently - back rubs, unsolicited flowers the works. Nothing works!
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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
As we are 50 days into the year then my guess is I have had sex somewhere between 40 and 60 times this year.

I am not telling you this to show off. I am telling you because I was once where you were and to have even had it once by mid Feb would have been a high number.

Look it is the pits to be in a sexless marriage and honestly I doubt you have much chance of changing that. So you know what your options are, you either put up with it or move on. I really feel terrible for you because both options are incredibly painful but either way you need to find the strength to make the final decision.

I really do wish you well.
Thanks fr your kind words. At this point my post is more for those of you in good situations. Enjoy and cherish what you have. Being me sucks. Feel lucky your spouses appreciate you and be thankful you don't wake up every day hating what happened...
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So sorry to hear that you are going through this difficult time in your marriage. It sounds like you are feeling angry and frustrated which is understandable. What you are experiencing is very common and is know as a High desire, Low desire couples dynamic. This dynamic pattern is very complex and it is important not assume that your spouse does not love you or desire you during this sexual impass. There are often many reasons why this type of shut-down occurs.

It is good that you are discussing your concerns with your wife. I would take this a step further and consider couples counselling. In the intrim I would recommed that you read, The Sex Starved Marriage by Michele Weiner Davis.

Melody Evans M.Sc. R.,Psych,RMFT
 

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with all seriousness. do you think she orgasms?

I think the number one reason women lose interest is because they don't orgasm.

and its not your fault if she dosn't orgasm its hers for not telling you what she needs to orgasm.
 
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I think she resents me for being pretty successful at work and providing her with luxuries such as a maid and not having to work. Yes I have discussed in depth - her answer is always that she is just not interested in sex. Have I manned up - yep - undoubtedly. Sometimes I think she is a lesbian...
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So why are you providing those things? If she cares so little about you, perhaps you are not speaking in the language she understands.

Consider making your actions consistent with your words.
 

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It's mid February - couples in normal relationships should have had sex about 18 times by now this year. I myself am at 1. Woopidy doo!. I told my wife a few weeks ago that I was not going to live in a sexless marriage - she begged and pleaded she would do anything. A few nights later it happened. Now 6 weeks into the year looking at the big picture it's same ole same ole. We had a night off from the kids the other night and guess what 12 hours before their departure the sickness began to set in. I told her don't worry as soon as the kids get back you should start recovering. So tired of this. Anybody else here had sex more than once this year? If so, I am jealous!
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What makes 18 times 6 weeks into the year normal? If I were to guess we have probably had sex about 6 times so far this year. That is an average of once a week, I think that is good.
 

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It's mid February - couples in normal relationships should have had sex about 18 times by now this year. I myself am at 1. Woopidy doo!. I told my wife a few weeks ago that I was not going to live in a sexless marriage - she begged and pleaded she would do anything. A few nights later it happened. Now 6 weeks into the year looking at the big picture it's same ole same ole. We had a night off from the kids the other night and guess what 12 hours before their departure the sickness began to set in. I told her don't worry as soon as the kids get back you should start recovering. So tired of this. Anybody else here had sex more than once this year? If so, I am jealous!
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Well ... I am also stuck at 1 ... and that was the first night of a trip to Cancun that I took her on. My guess is that I may get that count up to 4 by the end of the year ... if I'm lucky.
 

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We are at 39...but I took the hubster on a business trip to Miami with me and we took advantage of the great hotel and hot tub for some extra play time. Have Viagra will travel! ;-)
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omg, why's everyone counting???
When you spend 10 years getting it 8-10 times a year.....and then get your sex life back in the right direction after a tremendous amount of work. That's when you start counting. You count to tell yourself that what you're experiencing is really happening. You count so that you can spot a decline and address it. You count so that when it's been a few days you can look back and reassure yourself. So ya, please don't judge me for keeping track of our turnaround.
 
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