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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been a long time reader and poster to the talkaboutmarriage boards. I have decided to go anon for this one, and i think you will see why.

I have been married for 12 years now. After two years of marriage, DH and I were having pillow talk after sex, and we started sharing fantasies. I shared mine (super vanilla) and he shared his. The things he shared were also very vanilla, so i pressed him. He got very shy and quiet and told me his fantasy of wanting me to have sex with other men. Talk about a post coitus mood killer! At first i thought he was joking. We went to sleep that night. But the thought kept running through my head about his fantasy. Wasn't i enough? Why would he want this? What is going on? I had a million questions. Our marriage was good, and we were soulmates. Why this? Over the course of the next few weeks and months i would ask him to explain. We would talk about it at length. I asked him to explain what he got out of this. He said that knowing i was being pleasured and giving pleasure made him feel happy and special and even made him feel loved. As the weeks and months passed i became convinced he wanted this so he would have an excuse to cheat or be with other women. He convinced me that this was not the case. On and on it went, and even to the point of me thinking maybe he was closet bi or gay. Neither of which was accurate. The months passed. Our relationship grew in every way, which was great. But this one thing kept nagging at me. "why does he want this"? Thankfully he never pushed me or asked me to do anything about it. Thankfully he isn't into porn or the pornographic concept of cuckolding, that being humiliation or degradation. so, I began to research.

Of course most of what i found was porn related, or BS stories about this. I couldn't find any real information or material to help me understand my DH. What i did discover was that this particular fantasy is incredibly common. I began asking why. I have come across a great deal of insight into this, and have come to a depth of understanding my husband a great deal. Openness and honesty between us has led us into a great marriage, more than i ever thought was possible. We are deeply in love and look forward to being together at the end of each day.

Are you in this situation? Let me assure you that there are others out there who have dealt with this and are dealing with it. You're not alone!
 

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two questions come to mind:

1 Are there women who have the fantasy of having their husbands have sex with other women?

2 My understanding of a fantasy is that it is the last private thing that I can keep to myself. If you share a fantasy, do you have the invent a new one or can you keep the same knowing your husband knows it?
 

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These men love their woman more than they love of themselves.
They are made of real flesh, made of eyes, a mind apart from their body.

These are dual men, flesh dabblers and voyeurs, simulating their physical life, taking their dreams as reality.



The Typist I-
 

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I've been in a relationship like this OP. I enjoyed it but eventually decided I wanted a LTR without it at this point in my life.

If it works for you, it works. That's all that matters.

There are many places you can look for like couples (fetlife for one)
 

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I also have 2 questions:

How in the blazes of the deepest underworld do you get permission to post anonymously here?

And, is there any Fantasy that any man can share with his wife that won't make her ask, "Wasn't i enough? Why would he want this?" ?

I have some thoughts on @MaiChi 's questions and on the original post, but this particular topic generally runs to abusive generalization so fast that I'm holding out until
I see if it's going to be a stable thread before posting in depth.
 

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Indeed it is a very common fantasy and I have spoken to many people who have this fantasy. So rest assured your husband is not some kind of freak.

And to answer a previous response. Yes women also have this fantasy about their male partners.

Like many strong fantasies, he has probably always had it and always will.
It's great that you two have been able to discuss it.

It can become a problem though in guys that can only get off from this fantasy.

Have you been to the ourhotwives.org website? It's more chat about the various lifestyles than pics and porn.
 

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In a healthy relationship there should be open, honest communication. One of my favorite pop psych lines is if your husband can't tell you his deepest darkest fantasy, who can he tell it to........a prostitute?

In a relationship two people should not be afraid to tell each other their deepest darkest fantasies. The person hearing the fantasy should not judge the other, should listen carefully, and ask kind thoughtful questions to understand what is desired. That doesn't mean you need to make the fantasy a reality, it just means they get to get it off their chest in a protected manner and feel good about themselves. You should also in a healthy relationship be able to research things and determine if there are parts of the fantasy you can do and other parts you can't. Perhaps you can figure out some sort of role playing that will provide the illusion of the fantasy. Whatever you decide you need to explain what you can do and are uncomfortable doing and that it is a game, not reality, and you only want to reserve the fantasy for special occasions, not everyday or every week.

I want to applaud the OP for her bravery in both hearing her H out and her researching his fantasy. I hope your questioning him was not too harsh and challenging. I also hope that you have thanked him for loving you enough and trusting you enough to share such hidden secret thoughts with you.

I think adding another sex partner to a committed relationship is a mistake, but you can still role play doing all kinds of non-vanilla things with your H. Good luck.
 

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I think it is great that you two have an open and honest relationship were you can talk about this fantasy and seek to understand one another. That kind of openness can be very rare.

From what I have read, this is a common fantasy, and it appears that it is might be more common in younger generations (you have to question the research that suggest this).
 

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I’ve been told a few times on this forum that I’m too observant for my own good.
Alter your writing style if you want to stay anonymous. I guessed who you were after a couple of sentences.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
As stated previously, I have been to many websites researching this kink. TBH it is intriguing. But reality on the internet when searching for sexual advice is hard to come by without a barrage of pornography or fake people. None of which interests me.

To answer questions: no, my DH and I have a heathy sex life and he gets off just fine without having to talk about or mention the hotwife thing.

Yes there are women who want this with their husbands, I am definitely not one. The thought of my husband being with another woman is horrible.
 

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From what i understand about cuckold fantasies, isnt there supposed to be s sense of humiliation and denial that goes along with them? I could be wrong about that...


What the OP described sounds more like what is called compersion among polyamory circles...

My wife has had a fantasy of me banging a girl while she "dommes" her. Well, in those fantasies, she calls the shots and tells me what to do too. We have never done it and i seriously doubt we ever will, but it can be fun to fantasize about.

I wouldnt call that a hotwife fantasy... closer to those "faceless man" fantasies that many women have, but tweaked a bit in order to include the spouse...

I dont know. I think people get hung up on fantasies too much. I mean, i have fantasized about my own death before, but it doesn't mean i want to die...
 

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Yes there are women who want this with their husbands, I am definitely not one. The thought of my husband being with another woman is horrible.
Ok your not for your husband with another woman. But are you thinking of making your husband's fantasy come true?
 

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I will get flack but I personally think this phenomenon is mostly porn driven.

I think most of these guys grew up watching porn and are more turned on by watching (or just the idea of) women having sex then having sex with that women. So if it IS that way I think it's a power thing and not a loving thing. Not that that is even a bad thing, but I don't buy the whole, he wants her pleasure. If that were the case why do these guys continue to push when the wife wants nothing to do with it. If it were any other sex act we would see that the desire driven by the person pushing. I mean imagine if the guy wanted anal sex and then when she said no his response was (but I just want your pleasure) and then brought it up over and over. No one would buy that ****. Let's cut the crap.

The other TELL as I see it is the need for them to hear or even have pictures of the events. That is so they can to get off on it, again nothing to do with their partners pleasure. They want porn-star wives they can get off on. Why do they need these mementos? Like if you want her to get off with other men then just open your marriage and don't ask her about it, you don't have to know the details. But they want the details, the videos, the pictures because they get off on it.

To each his own but don't try to sell me that her pleasure bridge, I'm not buying.
 

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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
Ok your not for your husband with another woman. But are you thinking of making your husband's fantasy come true?
yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?

Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.

I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.
 

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yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?

Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.

I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.
Go on fetlife, there will be people that are well known and safe and you can talk to other couples he's been with to feel more comfortable.

Check if you have any clubs around (swinging clubs, co-ed bathhouses, gloryhole locations, etc) They have security and can be a safer option
 

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Ok your not for your husband with another woman. But are you thinking of making your husband's fantasy come true?
yes? I guess. Honestly i just dont know. There are too many variables. Too many questions. I know that he would love it and would adore me even more if i did it, but would I? Would i feel guilty? I dont think i would, but then again, maybe i would? Is it cheating if he is encouraging it? I would feel horrible if i did something behind his back. I am an honest person and even doing a tiny thing wrong makes me feel guilty. I know he would be happy beyond measure and love me even more, but how would i feel?

Then there is the problem of who. Who do i get for this activity? A stranger? A hot idea yes, but in reality there are way to many creeps and weirdos out there! Someone i know? I dont think so. Talk about awkward.

I do want to make him happy. We have dipped our toes in the water so to speak. I have danced with men at clubs/bars. I have been massaged by guys. Nothing overtly sexual per se. And yes, my DH loved seeing that.
That's a honest answer. When it happens and you find your new partner just better at everything, to include new wonderful promises. And your old husband was willing to take a shot at his kinks and yourself. Is it possible you may find yourself in a different thought. And want to move on with something better?
 

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Saying, yes sex is good between you and honey right now. And what if and when this will be the best sex ever for you would you be willing to give it up? Or do something else?
 

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That's a honest answer. When it happens and you find your new partner just better at everything, to include new wonderful promises. And your old husband was willing to take a shot at his kinks and yourself. Is it possible you may find yourself in a different thought. And want to move on with something better?
When I did it, it was never about the other men. They were fleshy sex toys, nothing more. It made the sex a lot better with the other men and my man and there was no emotions with the other men at all.
Jealousy was a functional tool used during the sex.

I would caution the OP to not have any emotional ties to the other men. There's no talk of future promises or compatibility. I didn't even know their names most of the time.
 

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I will get flack but I personally think this phenomenon is mostly porn driven.

I think most of these guys grew up watching porn and are more turned on by watching (or just the idea of) women having sex then having sex with that women. So if it IS that way I think it's a power thing and not a loving thing. Not that that is even a bad thing, but I don't buy the whole, he wants her pleasure. If that were the case why do these guys continue to push when the wife wants nothing to do with it. If it were any other sex act we would see that the desire driven by the person pushing. I mean imagine if the guy wanted anal sex and then when she said no his response was (but I just want your pleasure) and then brought it up over and over. No one would buy that ****. Let's cut the crap.

The other TELL as I see it is the need for them to hear or even have pictures of the events. That is so they can to get off on it, again nothing to do with their partners pleasure. They want porn-star wives they can get off on. Why do they need these mementos? Like if you want her to get off with other men then just open your marriage and don't ask her about it, you don't have to know the details. But they want the details, the videos, the pictures because they get off on it.

To each his own but don't try to sell me that her pleasure bridge, I'm not buying.
I get what you are saying, but in this case, it was the OP who pushed her husband for more information about it. I guess he was afraid of saying what was on his mind...

I am polyamorous. And while i do enjoy seeing my wife come home happy after a date, i don't need nor want all the details. Still, i enjoy seeing her happy.

The person im dating right now is actually asexual, so there isnt any sex involved and there will never be(i doubt she is even physically capable of it...)

I love her to death, but sex is off the table.

Its not always about porn.
 
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