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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My stbxw has a college degree, but is choosing to wait tables a couple times a week. She blames me for not having any money and says I am hurting my child. I felt that it was not fair to use her pay stubs as a testament for her income, I think she is consider voluntarily underemployed?

Should I be paying prior to establishing official support, we have 50/50 custody but nothing has been filed. Am I wrong in this? A, I hurting my child? She doesn't pay rent where she lives, doesn't want to get a day job because it "won't pay more" which I disagree, a day job would provide her with insurance and a consistent pay check as opposed to what ever tables she gets and if it's busy etc. she blames me for all her money issues, I make a fairly decent living but have bills to pay, our daughter is on my insurance, we are trying not to go to court

I'm like, if you have money issues, work more. She works 3 nights a week. It was a short term marriage so no alimony etc

I feel like I could get royally screwed
 

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A judge takes into consideration a spouses earning potential when deciding alimony/support issues. Even if you are not going to court it is worth consulting with a attorney in these matters.
 

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Will your child have different needs after the divorce? If it will be morally right to support your child after the divorce, isn't it morally right to do so, now? I believe I'd rather stand in front of the judge as a responsible parent, doing the right thing for my child even without being forced to. If someone has to look like the bad guy in court, let it be her. Her pay stubs aren't an indication of what she earns because they won't show tips.
 

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There should be a support calculator or table for your state online. The fact that you guys are 50/50 and you are taking care of insurance will help.
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FYI, most courts do not take into consideration the living expenses when calculating child support-other than medical insurance for the kids. It is totally dependent upon earnings. So the fact that she doesn't pay rent, and you do will mean nothing to a court. Most courts will not look kindly upon her voluntary underemployment and could well impute additional income to her-provided she does not have a valid reason. Time to consult local attorney.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
It's a gamble, because the court can do what they want, she will say I work part time and don't want to lose any time with my daughter, and I'll say she can work and earn more and isn't earning enough to pay her bills, she says now she doesn't have any money because I won't give her any, I won't agree on CS. Because she isn't making any money and the responsible thing to do is work to provide, etc etc

The court won't give credit for anything I do, she wants to file now I'm asking to keep our agreement and wait on mediation, if she files now we will go to court which we both want to avoid, she blames me for her money issues, on and on

I'm like work more if you need money, why am I responsible for your bills? You left, etc etc

Why isn't she just working?? Like everyone else? Instead she goes on State assistance, and gets a. Part time job that doesn't provide consistent income. She says she will make as much waiting and battening as she would a full time job, that isn't true, he at least could get health insurance and a regular check, peopel wi her degree earn $ 30-36k and at minimum wage she could at least make $24K
 

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In my state, they impute income based upon what she should be making. She chooses not to work full time.
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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
Whether or not your wife behaves in an honorable way doesn't relieve you of your obligation to do so. You can't control her actions but you are 100% responsible for your's.
Where ami being unreasonable? We have been separated for 2 months, I paid her bills in November and asked her in the first week to find a full time job, she didn't and chose to work one day a week. Now her bills are do and I'm not going to pay them all.

What in your opinion am I doing that isn't honorable? I have a limited budget, I take care of my responsibilities and I expect to be treated fairly and with the same dignity as I treat her. She chose to leave, chose not to find adequate work to provide for herself; my daughter will never go without means so long as I a, working, I can't influence my stbxw choices. But I can say no when she blames me for her financial difficulties and chooses not to work more

I called around to find her alternative health insurance then she chastised me for doing so and said she would do it in time, but it would take awhile. I told her I can't afford to pay hers, She said she can't afford to pay either, I tell her then she needs to find alternative and she threatens me. Yells at me, hang up, etc. she lies and lies, I can't rely on her, and if I don't cancel her policy I will be stuck paying it. It isn't an ethical issue, it's her responsibility, for me it's a practical issue

I'm open minded and considerate of these issues, I have struggled with what the right Ito do is, but I have to protect my interests because she doesn't care at all about exploiting them
 

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State will most likely come after you anyways. If you want to maybe have her sign an agreement that you will pay x amount of dollars per month until c.s. is calculated. Then just be sure to document by using checks and writing child support in the memo line.
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
State will most likely come after you anyways. If you want to maybe have her sign an agreement that you will pay x amount of dollars per month until c.s. is calculated. Then just be sure to document by using checks and writing child support in the memo line.
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State come after me for what? I'm not breaking any laws and until there is a legal order, not only do I not get any credit for any cash I give her, but I can set a precedent if I give more than I should. The court won't care about any of this, just what's in the filing. What we agree on or not in the filing

As I understand it
 

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Where ami being unreasonable? We have been separated for 2 months, I paid her bills in November and asked her in the first week to find a full time job, she didn't and chose to work one day a week. Now her bills are do and I'm not going to pay them all.

What in your opinion am I doing that isn't honorable? I have a limited budget, I take care of my responsibilities and I expect to be treated fairly and with the same dignity as I treat her. She chose to leave, chose not to find adequate work to provide for herself; my daughter will never go without means so long as I a, working, I can't influence my stbxw choices. But I can say no when she blames me for her financial difficulties and chooses not to work more

I called around to find her alternative health insurance then she chastised me for doing so and said she would do it in time, but it would take awhile. I told her I can't afford to pay hers, She said she can't afford to pay either, I tell her then she needs to find alternative and she threatens me. Yells at me, hang up, etc. she lies and lies, I can't rely on her, and if I don't cancel her policy I will be stuck paying it. It isn't an ethical issue, it's her responsibility, for me it's a practical issue

I'm open minded and considerate of these issues, I have struggled with what the right Ito do is, but I have to protect my interests because she doesn't care at all about exploiting them
How old is your daughter? Are you watching her when your ex works or does she have to pay for child care?
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...and in the meantime
your kids are suffering from 2 parents who refuse to recognize their respective financial obligations.
Pay child support.
It doesn't matter what she does or how she spends the money
Pay child support
Guess what, most courts can order retroactive child support under the appropriate circumstances.
So in summary
Pay child support
 

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Where ami being unreasonable? We have been separated for 2 months, I paid her bills in November and asked her in the first week to find a full time job, she didn't and chose to work one day a week. Now her bills are do and I'm not going to pay them all.

What in your opinion am I doing that isn't honorable? I have a limited budget, I take care of my responsibilities and I expect to be treated fairly and with the same dignity as I treat her. She chose to leave, chose not to find adequate work to provide for herself; my daughter will never go without means so long as I a, working, I can't influence my stbxw choices. But I can say no when she blames me for her financial difficulties and chooses not to work more

I called around to find her alternative health insurance then she chastised me for doing so and said she would do it in time, but it would take awhile. I told her I can't afford to pay hers, She said she can't afford to pay either, I tell her then she needs to find alternative and she threatens me. Yells at me, hang up, etc. she lies and lies, I can't rely on her, and if I don't cancel her policy I will be stuck paying it. It isn't an ethical issue, it's her responsibility, for me it's a practical issue

I'm open minded and considerate of these issues, I have struggled with what the right Ito do is, but I have to protect my interests because she doesn't care at all about exploiting them

Your original post asked when you should start paying child support. That tells me you aren't paying. Your wife is receiving means-tested government assistance. When applying for same, she had to list all her sources of support. Because you weren't paying or because you weren't paying enough, she qualified and your neighbors' pockets were picked to support a child they did not conceive and who has two parents capable of supporting him or her. That isn't fair or honorable in my book. Now, if you were paying and she simply lied and received government assistance anyway, then your wife is guilty of fraud and you are absolved. That's not what happened. Your self-interest isn't my primary concern when a child is involved. Lucky you can say "no" when a child needs to eat. Your taxpaying neighbors weren't given the option.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
I appreciate the honesty


I have been paying in the form of insurance, child care, and now cash. I am an excellent father and would never hurt my child for anything. I have to consider how much of my finances I can stretch or I put my ability in jeopardy to provide. She could work more, tells me she can't afford anything but chooses not to do anything about it, like she has no choice, playing the victim.

Where am I being irresponsible?
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
If your STBXW is on welfare, then welfare will come after you to get a portion of their money back.
What? Whatever, I'm doing what I'm suppose to do, paying CS and more without being legally obligated. If anything they will compel her to find work, not come after me. I'm not sure how that would work
 
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