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Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.

Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.

I'm currently going to counseling to work through some self image/self esteem issues as I haven't been feeling great about myself in quite some time, and haven't felt like an adequate wife, despite my husband's reassurance that he's very happy.

I believe these issues are why I'm concerned about my husband having a potential crush.

He told me years ago before we married that he wasn't interested in having female friends, because it was difficult to keep it platonic and he always developed feelings. I later brought this up after we married, and he said he feels differently about it now that he's married, since it takes any pressure off the table. But I also haven't been able to forget when he said pre-marriage.

In the last couple of months, he has invited a female colleague (that he rarely sees) to a few outdoor group outings. I am always there. He has mentioned a couple times he thinks she's attractive (once to a friend and once to me when I mentioned introducing her to said friend), and he has also talked about thinking she's cool and has a great personality. I also know they talk on social media sometimes.

Since I'm feeling poorly about myself right now, of course I started comparing myself to her and convinced myself he preferred someone like her over me.

I can't be completely sure, but I feel like he might have a crush on her, which I know is normal in a long-term marriage. I truly believe he would never intentionally be unfaithful. What I am worried about is that I'm afraid he goes out of his way to see her. I think he enjoys being around her, and I worry about his feelings/attraction growing the more he is around her.

I've felt a spark with a couple of men since being with my husband, but I've immediately cut off contact and avoided them from there on out. If he felt something for this chick, I would hope he'd do the same to avoid any complicated feelings.

Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks in advance.
 

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Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.

Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.

I'm currently going to counseling to work through some self image/self esteem issues as I haven't been feeling great about myself in quite some time, and haven't felt like an adequate wife, despite my husband's reassurance that he's very happy.

I believe these issues are why I'm concerned about my husband having a potential crush.

He told me years ago before we married that he wasn't interested in having female friends, because it was difficult to keep it platonic and he always developed feelings. I later brought this up after we married, and he said he feels differently about it now that he's married, since it takes any pressure off the table. But I also haven't been able to forget when he said pre-marriage.

In the last couple of months, he has invited a female colleague (that he rarely sees) to a few outdoor group outings. I am always there. He has mentioned a couple times he thinks she's attractive (once to a friend and once to me when I mentioned introducing her to said friend), and he has also talked about thinking she's cool and has a great personality. I also know they talk on social media sometimes.

Since I'm feeling poorly about myself right now, of course I started comparing myself to her and convinced myself he preferred someone like her over me.

I can't be completely sure, but I feel like he might have a crush on her, which I know is normal in a long-term marriage. I truly believe he would never intentionally be unfaithful. What I am worried about is that I'm afraid he goes out of his way to see her. I think he enjoys being around her, and I worry about his feelings/attraction growing the more he is around her.

I've felt a spark with a couple of men since being with my husband, but I've immediately cut off contact and avoided them from there on out. If he felt something for this chick, I would hope he'd do the same to avoid any complicated feelings. good for you. this is how it needs to be done!

Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences. no, you are not nuts or controlling. there are real dangers with crushes. your radar is up with good reason. your husband may be in danger of crossing the line if he continues. i wouldn't confront him at this point, but keep your radar up and track his behavior around her and what he says about her. 'not just firends'

Thanks in advance.
 

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Discussion Starter #3
Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.

Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.

I'm currently going to counseling to work through some self image/self esteem issues as I haven't been feeling great about myself in quite some time, and haven't felt like an adequate wife, despite my husband's reassurance that he's very happy.

I believe these issues are why I'm concerned about my husband having a potential crush.

He told me years ago before we married that he wasn't interested in having female friends, because it was difficult to keep it platonic and he always developed feelings. I later brought this up after we married, and he said he feels differently about it now that he's married, since it takes any pressure off the table. But I also haven't been able to forget when he said pre-marriage.

In the last couple of months, he has invited a female colleague (that he rarely sees) to a few outdoor group outings. I am always there. He has mentioned a couple times he thinks she's attractive (once to a friend and once to me when I mentioned introducing her to said friend), and he has also talked about thinking she's cool and has a great personality. I also know they talk on social media sometimes.

Since I'm feeling poorly about myself right now, of course I started comparing myself to her and convinced myself he preferred someone like her over me.

I can't be completely sure, but I feel like he might have a crush on her, which I know is normal in a long-term marriage. I truly believe he would never intentionally be unfaithful. What I am worried about is that I'm afraid he goes out of his way to see her. I think he enjoys being around her, and I worry about his feelings/attraction growing the more he is around her.

I've felt a spark with a couple of men since being with my husband, but I've immediately cut off contact and avoided them from there on out. If he felt something for this chick, I would hope he'd do the same to avoid any complicated feelings. good for you. this is how it needs to be done!

Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences. no, you are not nuts or controlling. there are real dangers with crushes. your radar is up with good reason. your husband may be in danger of crossing the line if he continues. i wouldn't confront him at this point, but keep your radar up and track his behavior around her and what he says about her. 'not just firends'

Thanks in advance.
Thanks. What would you personally consider a line crossed? I'm trying to be ok with my husband having female friends but after his comment from years ago and knowing it has ended badly for other people, I'm struggling with that.
 

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Does he know that you're in counseling due to self-image issues?

If I knew that, I wouldn't think it would be helpful for my wife if I started talking about some hot young chick.
 

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Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.
I've noticed that many people have different ideas about what "having a crush" means and this will often contribute to a wide variety of opinions about the ramifications of a crush. To me, it means having a romantic feeling for someone mostly caused by a strong physical attraction. If single people have a crush on someone in their daily lives, they are encouraged to ask them out. Therefore, with my definition, a crush has a bit of significance.

When you and your husband are with his female colleague, is he affectionate with you? ie. hold your hand? Does she sometimes join you and your husband and it is just the three of you or is it only in group situations?
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Does he know that you're in counseling due to self-image issues?

If I knew that, I wouldn't think it would be helpful for my wife if I started talking about some hot young chick.
Yes, he does, and he felt terrible afterward when I mentioned it. We've discussed other females being attractive before(never bothered me), which is why I don't think he thought much of it. But never a young work colleague that he also thinks is really cool.....lol.

He said until I am back to feeling like myself, we shouldn't discuss any females' appearances.
 

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Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.
I've noticed that many people have different ideas about what "having a crush" means and this will often contribute to a wide variety of opinions about the ramifications of a crush. To me, it means having a romantic feeling for someone mostly caused by a strong physical attraction. If single people have a crush on someone in their daily lives, they are encouraged to ask them out. Therefore, with my definition, a crush has significance.

When you and your husband are with his female colleague, is he affectionate with you? ie. hold your hand? Does she sometimes join you and your husband and it is just the three of you or is it only in group situations?
It's always just the group. And yes, he has been affectionate with me before (hugs, kisses) in front of the group. But he does talk to her a lot when she is around (so do I, I actually get along well with her). In his defense, she doesn't know too many others that go on these outings, so I can see why.
 

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It's always just the group. And yes, he has been affectionate with me before (hugs, kisses) in front of the group. But he does talk to her a lot when she is around (so do I, I actually get along well with her). In his defense, she doesn't know too many others that go on these outings, so I can see why.
We're all different from each other, but I think that it's a good sign that your husband is still affectionate with you in front of her.
 

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Fear that thing.

That foreboding thing that looms large in your life.
If it enters your mind, it enters his...and OW's.
................................................................................................
I am naturally protective...not jealous.
That is not to say that jealousy does not factor in, in situations like this.
...............................................................................................

Be proactively protective of your mate. Do not encourage him to be with her.
Without sounding weak and needy, tell him that he belongs to you.
And that will not change.
 

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I think as long as you are there it seems ok on the outside. That being said if it bothers you and you mention it to him he should drop it right there if you are his wife and it bothers you. I would think that the female friend would understand that and as long as he is honest and up front.
 

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Think about this, your husband is a good man from what you described. But you, low self esteem is not an attractive quality. It is good you are working on yourself, it sounds like it might be innocent but where you are emotionally is causing you to think differently.
 

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It doesn't sound like he has crossed a line to me, but nor does it sound like you're being irrational. He seems to have acknowledged that he was being slightly insensitive to you. In fact, he sounds like a good dude all round, so I'd just discuss it with him over a period of time, softly softly.
 

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Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.

Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.

I'm currently going to counseling to work through some self image/self esteem issues as I haven't been feeling great about myself in quite some time, and haven't felt like an adequate wife, despite my husband's reassurance that he's very happy.

I believe these issues are why I'm concerned about my husband having a potential crush.

He told me years ago before we married that he wasn't interested in having female friends, because it was difficult to keep it platonic and he always developed feelings. I later brought this up after we married, and he said he feels differently about it now that he's married, since it takes any pressure off the table. But I also haven't been able to forget when he said pre-marriage.

In the last couple of months, he has invited a female colleague (that he rarely sees) to a few outdoor group outings. I am always there. He has mentioned a couple times he thinks she's attractive (once to a friend and once to me when I mentioned introducing her to said friend), and he has also talked about thinking she's cool and has a great personality. I also know they talk on social media sometimes.

Since I'm feeling poorly about myself right now, of course I started comparing myself to her and convinced myself he preferred someone like her over me.

I can't be completely sure, but I feel like he might have a crush on her, which I know is normal in a long-term marriage. I truly believe he would never intentionally be unfaithful. What I am worried about is that I'm afraid he goes out of his way to see her. I think he enjoys being around her, and I worry about his feelings/attraction growing the more he is around her.

I've felt a spark with a couple of men since being with my husband, but I've immediately cut off contact and avoided them from there on out. If he felt something for this chick, I would hope he'd do the same to avoid any complicated feelings.

Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks in advance.
Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust your gut. Further, not in a million years would I tell my W that a chick who is a friend is attractive, fun and all that jazz. Hell, I don't say that about movie stars or performers who I would never have contact with for that matter.

Your H is working on an EA IMO.
 

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It's always just the group. And yes, he has been affectionate with me before (hugs, kisses) in front of the group. But he does talk to her a lot when she is around (so do I, I actually get along well with her). In his defense, she doesn't know too many others that go on these outings, so I can see why.
It is great your H is affectionate with you in your group. But, again, your gut is talking. You ended up here with questions and concerns.
 

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Hi, all. I've only been married a couple years, so I need some sense talked into me. Or just to hear from others who have more experience.

Overall, my husband and I have a solid marriage. We have had some issues lately due to communication but are working through it. My husband treats me wonderfully and is very loving/caring. I know he truly wants me to be happy. He also comes from a Christian upbringing and comes from a family of very stable, happy marriages...meaning he has had wonderful examples of what marriage should be. And I also wanted to add, we are planning on trying for a baby soon.

I'm currently going to counseling to work through some self image/self esteem issues as I haven't been feeling great about myself in quite some time, and haven't felt like an adequate wife, despite my husband's reassurance that he's very happy.

I believe these issues are why I'm concerned about my husband having a potential crush.

He told me years ago before we married that he wasn't interested in having female friends, because it was difficult to keep it platonic and he always developed feelings. I later brought this up after we married, and he said he feels differently about it now that he's married, since it takes any pressure off the table. But I also haven't been able to forget when he said pre-marriage.

In the last couple of months, he has invited a female colleague (that he rarely sees) to a few outdoor group outings. I am always there. He has mentioned a couple times he thinks she's attractive (once to a friend and once to me when I mentioned introducing her to said friend), and he has also talked about thinking she's cool and has a great personality. I also know they talk on social media sometimes.

Since I'm feeling poorly about myself right now, of course I started comparing myself to her and convinced myself he preferred someone like her over me.

I can't be completely sure, but I feel like he might have a crush on her, which I know is normal in a long-term marriage. I truly believe he would never intentionally be unfaithful. What I am worried about is that I'm afraid he goes out of his way to see her. I think he enjoys being around her, and I worry about his feelings/attraction growing the more he is around her.

I've felt a spark with a couple of men since being with my husband, but I've immediately cut off contact and avoided them from there on out. If he felt something for this chick, I would hope he'd do the same to avoid any complicated feelings.

Am I completely overthinking this? I feel like in my current state, I'm just overrun with anxious, irrational thoughts. I think I need to be told how ridiculous I'm being. The last thing I want to be is controlling. Or is this something I should keep an eye on? Would love to hear your experiences.

Thanks in advance.
Your gut is telling you something is off. Trust your gut. Further, not in a million years would I tell my W that a chick who is a friend is attractive, fun and all that jazz. Hell, I don't say that about movie stars or performers who I would never have contact with for that matter.

Your H is working on an EA IMO.
I would agree, but with my current anxiety issues, I don't know what's anxiety and what's my gut anymore. My "gut" has just been anxiety before. That's mostly why I'm here...to get the opinions of others because my thinking is so clouded by anxiety lately.
 

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It doesn't sound like he has crossed a line to me, but nor does it sound like you're being irrational. He seems to have acknowledged that he was being slightly insensitive to you. In fact, he sounds like a good dude all round, so I'd just discuss it with him over a period of time, softly softly.
Any thoughts on how to bring it up? We've had so many "deep" conversations lately due to working through things, I don't want to dump this on him or accuse him of anything.
 

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Think about this, your husband is a good man from what you described. But you, low self esteem is not an attractive quality. It is good you are working on yourself, it sounds like it might be innocent but where you are emotionally is causing you to think differently.
I agreed, it's not attractive. That's why I'm so unsure of what to think, because my mind just isn't thinking rationally or logically right now.

I very much am ready to move on from my current state of mind. It's miserable.
 

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I would agree, but with my current anxiety issues, I don't know what's anxiety and what's my gut anymore. My "gut" has just been anxiety before. That's mostly why I'm here...to get the opinions of others because my thinking is so clouded by anxiety lately.
Ah, anxiety. My W has it but it concerns doctor visits. Always thinking something physically drastic will be found. But, that is not unfounded on her part as her parents did have diagnosis from doctors that were physically drastic. So I do my best to comfort her before doctor visits. That's a whole other thread.

Now back to you, other than stating this person is attractive, fun, witty and the cats meow, what else has your H done that has you on edge concerning the opposite sex? I'll state again, advising you another woman is attractive is something I would never say to my W. Attractive to me means interest. I'm attracted. Stating someone is good looking has a bit less bite IMO. But you know, why would you care of your H opinion on how he believes another female looks? Did you ask your H opinion on this friends looks? I'm guessing no.
 

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Any thoughts on how to bring it up? We've had so many "deep" conversations lately due to working through things, I don't want to dump this on him or accuse him of anything.
Maybe say exactly that! Tell him that you don't want a 'deep' conversation about it, and you don't want to dump on him, make clear that you're not blaming him and you're very grateful that he is sensitive to it, you're just feeling a little bit insecure and would like him to reassure you in that way he is so good at (some ego-stroking is always a good thing to husbands).
 
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