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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
hey, I am engaged and absolutely love my fiance. my only problem is that her past drives me up a wall. i realize that her past is in the past. but the thought of it brings me down. i know a fair amount about it and it sucks...she promises that she has not and will not ever revisit the past...i really need to know how to get over this before we tie the knot. and advice will be appreciated. thank you.
 

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I wouldn't worry to much about it, atleast she got it out of her system. Let's face it I am sure that if she nit picked your past there would be a few things less then perfect she could "worry" about too. Did you experiment with drugs, underage drinking, sex before marriage, loss of faith, depression etc. The point isn't what she did but what she will do while with you. If she isn't into the party scene etc then let it go. People do change, many of us evolve over time and make mistakes or do things that sem right at the time until you are later in life. Those things may have shaped her but maybe it got out any demons before your current state of your relationship. Accept her for who she is now, holding what she was like before you in that respect isn't fair to her.

draconis
 

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Discussion Starter · #5 ·
thanks man...just wish i could find something to like not think about the bad...like things keep triggering my thoughts about her past...
 

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now do u think its wrong of me to ask her to get rid of somethings or fix things that give me that trigger? like she has not gone through things to get rid of pictures. and uses her exes name for a password on things. not because she wants him back, but because she hasnt thought much about it.
 

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Whatever she may have done in her past does not mean she is that person anymore. Obviously, if you love her, you fell in love with the person she is now. Don't let the past haunt you, live for the future.
 

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Like what I said I'd think of the future everytime that something pops in my head. I am sure you have been in relationships that have been less then perfect but despite a bad time or two you didn't focus on one bad thing. If you can't do that then you need to see a psychologist.

She deserves to be treated for who she is now and not have her past held against her. If you can't concentrate on the good things then you need to see why you would let a trivial thing ruin a good thing for you.

draconis
 

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now do u think its wrong of me to ask her to get rid of somethings or fix things that give me that trigger? like she has not gone through things to get rid of pictures. and uses her exes name for a password on things. not because she wants him back, but because she hasnt thought much about it.
O.K. you need to stop fixating on her past, she's chosen to be with you, not them...believe her when she tells you she loves you. If you don't and you keep on with your insecurities about her past, you may get exactly what you're most afraid of, losing her. Put the shoe on the other foot, how would you feel if she was constantly hounding you about your exes?

That said, let's focus on her for a minute. Out of respect for your feelings, she should definitely stop pushing your buttons. She knows these types of things drive you crazy, but she continues to do them and ignore your wishes. Where is this coming from? Is she simply being defiant or does she enjoy getting you going? Take a look at that and question that.
 

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This is my first post and I’m jumping in here simply because I can completely relate to your situation.

Most of the posts above are great pieces of advice, but they all make the assumption that your fiancé is no longer a party girl and is truly devoted to you. To give good advice I must consider that she has not “gotten it out of her system”.

I would take a step back and evaluate your situation…..
How long have the two of you been together, before getting engaged?
How did you meet? At a party? In a nightclub? If so, you may just be another password that drives the next guy crazy. I say this because I’m curious if she has a history of serious relationships that don’t work out. Has she ever been engaged/married? I presume she has had serious relationships if she makes her boyfriend’s name her password. If you’re the first man she has become this serious with though, I can assume she truly has dedicated herself only to you.

I mention all of this because men have a tendency to fall head over heels for passion, mistaking it for love. Great sex and a desire to spend every minute together isn’t necessarily love. That’s puppy love. And yes, puppy love can drive you crazy with jealousy.

I’ll move on to your questions. Two things will help you get over her past. The most important, which you have no control over, is time. Though no one enjoys waiting, time will be your biggest asset. Erasing memories is impossible, but replacing thoughts of her past by creating wonderfully new memories of the two of you together is something you can control and will love doing.

Asking her to remove the items that fill your head with images of her sweaty, muscular ex making love to her can be appropriate, but must be approached delicately. If the two of you have been dating for two months, it’s out of the question. People grow from their past relationships and may not want to forget them. You need to be someone significant to ask her to remove those memories from her life.

Since I would say a fiancé is as significant as it gets, you have every right to ask for her help in dealing with your situation. Read that sentence carefully because, as I said, this must be approached delicately. You should not tell her to remove things that bother you. You will ASK her to HELP YOU control this dangerous trigger. This is your problem, not hers, and that is how it must be discussed. If she seems disinterested, you must remind her that putting the safety on this trigger is a decision that serves not only you, but the RELATIONSHIP you two share. I hope that at this point she is understanding and will make the effort to remove those items.

You’re in a perfect situation by being engaged and not yet married. This is the most opportune time to discuss this with her. I say this because if she is receptive to your concerns and responds positively, you’ll know the party days are over and you’re the one she intends to be with forever. However, if she is more like the woman I was seeing, she will makes excuses such as, “they don’t mean anything”, “who cares what my password is”, or “I don’t even notice them”. If this is the case, I would seriously question if she is the one to marry. The thoughts you’re having are a distraction to your relationship and a good partner will help you fix that. A person that blows this off is a future ex and you’re better off finding out which she is before exchanging vows.

I truly do not mean to discourage your relationship, I just want you to know that your thoughts and feelings are just as important as hers. Again, if she wants your relationship to be its best, she will readily help you with this issue. There are too many other hurdles couples will face to allow this to make that hurdle higher.

Lastly, I’ll say that if she is understanding and agrees to help (which I pray she does), then you must understand there are limits as to what does and doesn’t go. The picture of her and an ex partying in a jacuzzi should be headed for trash city. Keepsake and milestone treasures (even if they involve an ex) may be untouchable. That Prom picture shouldn’t be hanging in the living room, but it should always have a place in an album or keepsake box.

I’ve been in your situation and I understand how painful it can be to find an old birthday card from an ex with three paragraphs of his explicit love and cutie-pie nicknames, or even worse, a letter from her to him. My relationship went the less desired route of what I’ve discussed and I let it do that because I missed all the signals. Reading her express that she, “loves him like she never knew she could” is expected, especially if it’s from her teen years. But once the same expression popped up for guy number two, then three, then me, I should have known better.

I knew I loved her dearly and believed she felt the same way. After all, she had told me so on many occasions……just like she told other guys that she had met while out partying. If by chance your fiancé refuses to help you, you need to remember this…….no matter how much you love her, it will never be enough to compensate for the fact she might not be ready for a marriage level relationship.

So approach her, let her know what bothers you, and ask for her help. Tell her that you’re so excited about your future together you just don’t want these “nothing” items interrupting your focus. Her response will tell you if your marriage will consist of two individuals, or two partners.

Best of luck. I sincerely hope everything works out and you have a fairy tale marriage.
 

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Ok I have been in this situation, where my husband brings up my past. He knew I was no where near a virgin when he met me. Plus he asked me about my past and I was honest. Now until this day 9 years later I still have to pay for my past. Please keep in mind this had nothing to do with him. I had a number of sexual partners, I know more then him and he can't handle it. I think this is your hang up and insecurity. I'm sure there is something you did in your past that she may not be too crazy about. However, that's why it's called the past. Getting into any relationship is about taking chances. If you feel you can't deal with her past don't waste her time and yours because your jealosusy will never change. It may simmer down as the years go by, but it will still be there. Trust me, I have to deal with it and I chose to stick around. Your fiance on the other hand might just walk because you will be pushing her away.
 

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Look at her past in a positive light. If she's done all her partying already, then she knows what she's giving up by committing herself to you.
 
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