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I find it interesting that I'm seeing comments about her role in the disintegration of the marriage and how porn use can come from this, but we'd never see this line if thinking if he was seeing another woman....even though the logic could still hold.

Somehow porn has come to be seen as at best a right and at worst not such a big deal....but to those who view channeling sexual energy elsewhere cheating its not much different from seeing another person.

I'm not trying to make an argument one way or the other....just pointing out as food for thought that it's being insinuated that he's not fully responsible for his choice to jerk off to porn because she's contributing to that dynamic but if he'd found another woman the marital dynamic would then have no bearing on his decision to look elsewhere.

Because a cheaters decision to cheat is always on them.

So which is it? Are we responsible for our own behavior or are we not?
 

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Well, it has been a while...nothing new here other than I had the same conversation last night that I had 9 months ago...called him out for continuing to watch porn/hide/delete internet history. I've tried to be more available which is hard to do with adult kids living at home, his working from home (midnight shift), and me working days out of the house. When I leave, I get all suspicious that he is home alone and enjoying the internet - and when/if I check, I'm usually right. Lately, we've been on each other's last nerve - I feel lonely and my guard is way up, although he did not know why until last night. Three weeks ago, we had a great time in bed together and we both really enjoyed it and I felt like maybe my worries were all in my head. But the very next day, he was watching some pretty hardcore stuff. Why am I not enough? I feel betrayed. He says he watches because I don't act like I want him anymore. I'm withdrawing because he's getting off with in own little world.

After he criticized me last night for a really trivial thing, all the feels came welling up inside me. After a few hours of the silent treatment (from both of us), I finally just ripped the band aid off and told him I had snooped around on his computer and knew he was still watching porn/deleting his history. Crickets.

Finally he mumbled some remarks about me not showing an interest for months! (Remember that 3 week trist I mentioned above?). I let him know how I felt about that - we had a fun time together and 24 hours later....how soon he forgets. I told him I felt hurt, betrayed, crushed...I'll never be enough and I feel like a failure, alone, and sad. He didn't want to talk and fell asleep. I was up half the night (and sleeping in another room) thinking...how do we fix our marriage? Can I ever measure up? Feel secure?

When I came home from work today, we talked briefly and he promised he was going to change. He said he was sorry he hurt me, but I don't act like I love him. When I told him how lonely I've been for MONTHS, he said he was the lonely one. So I showed him this post! I wanted him to know this wasn't a new thing for me (or him). Of course, he was glad to see comments above that supported him!

I feel one of our biggest issues is time. He works nights; I work days - and we have been on this schedule for 22 years. As our kids have grown, we both live in the same house but are living separate lives. He's not interested in changing his schedule and I don't have the option. I read an article (and showed it to him too) about "micro-cheating." Out of the 10 types of cheating (that did not involve sex), I think 5 applied to him...(keeping secrets, porn, talking with an ex, primary loyalty elsewhere, insincere apology)...

Any advice is appreciated. I guess my biggest question is can we get past this? How do I rebuild trust in an hour per day? Do I just give up and pretend this is enough...
I highly recommend trying to get work schedules more the same. I know working shift work is hard on a marriage and if you have different schedules all the time, it is very difficult to have a good relationship. He probably misses you too and with limited time together, finds relief in porn and masturbation. He is very unlikely to stop with the current work schedules. My wife and I developed a couple of rules about sex, no porn and masturbation is ok as long as the other one knows about it FIRST. Basically, you need to offer a sexual experience to your spouse first, before you decide to masturbate on your own. We do that with no exceptions.
 

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It seriously is not easy in long term relationships. It takes alot of giving, alot of forgiving and sometimes we just reach a point that we cannot whether man or woman. Being married for 30 years I think you already understand how much propping and admiration a man needs. It does not stop with time, age and maturity and if you really think about it we like the same also. A man's dedication to his being able to provide for his family financial is very important to him and this sometimes we neglect to give appreciation for (because many of us are juggling to hold careers and keep everyone in the family happy) but this is very important to men. Every man has a hunger that needs feeding whether it is his need for you to laugh at his jokes, or see his big muscles, or take note of how wise he is. on the flip side each of ladies has that need also, something feeds us also. What is it that he needs from you? and no it is not all about sex. He might just need your adoration. Men cave when they feel they are not good enough just like we retreat when we do not feel good about ourselves.

Can you still give this man praise? Can you let go of your own hurts and shine a light on him?

Porn is an evil for men but I have found that there are men who can view it and crave their female partner and in that case porn is just a release. There are other men who have trouble with intimacy and relationships with women and turn to porn rather than their partner. I am assuming from your post your husband is the first statement mentioned concerning porn, trust me, that is good!!!!!!!

Remember too that us ladies flourish with positive, so do men. Make it fun, enjoy life, try something new but do not tell him he is not meeting your needs and do not condemn his efforts. Think how you would feel if he complained to you. Positive goes a long way!!! (I was married for 24 years, with my ex for 27 years, so I do understand).
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
It's been six more months since my last post and honestly, nothing much has changed. I've really tried to be more available sexually, although this is still hard with our opposite schedules. We've always been more intimate on the weekends, when we actually get to be in the same bed together. Just sort of the routine, especially since one of the adult kids works from home during the day.

Can I give this man praise? (asked above) Yes. It is easy to brag on him to others for all of his admirable qualities...great father, good provider, smart, handsome. Can I let go of the hurt? Hasn't happened yet. I have my moments. We'll have a good weekend, great sex, a dinner date, some conversation...I'll let myself believe I can trust...then my intuition tells me - check the computer...and bam, more deleted history, hours on the internet, and just recently, I found an encrypted flash drive.

This is doing a number on me.

What is on that flash drive that he has gone to great lengths to hide from me?

I hate that my trust is being toyed with. As a wife, I want to feel like his #1 - in and out of the bedroom. If he put the time into me that he is putting elsewhere, I'd be thrilled. Instead, I'm sinking into a deep depression. I come home after working all day and immediately my guard is up...he's had the house to himself all day. I know he will sleep part of the day, but I'm also hoping he started dinner, washed a few dishes, cleaned something...instead, the house is exactly like I left it because he has been on his computer all day with chunks of time deleted in the history. He'll order dinner or offer to take me out. He's recently lost 25 pounds. He knows I'm trying to lose a few pounds too, but he does his own thing - making shakes, fixing his own meals, working out. I'd like to do these things too, preferably together. I get so frustrated when I come home and the things he said he would do are left undone (household things) but he has worked out and spent the rest of his waking hours on his computer.

The post above suggested I make life fun...how? Hey - hope you got to look at other women today and enjoy a good workout! Let me wash your gym clothes for you so you can do it again tomorrow.

I keep telling myself I just need to let the house/laundry go - no one else seems to worry and we never have anyone over anyway.

Will I be more fun in a less clean house?
Will I be more fun if I lose 10 pounds?
Will I be more fun if I look at other men when my husband is not available?
Will I be more fun if I keep all this on an encrypted flash drive?

If I confront him about the flash drive, what other lengths will he take to hide stuff from me? It's super hard to be positive, and sexy, and turned on, and fun....when I am feeling none of those things right now.
 

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It's been six more months since my last post and honestly, nothing much has changed. I've really tried to be more available sexually, although this is still hard with our opposite schedules. We've always been more intimate on the weekends, when we actually get to be in the same bed together. Just sort of the routine, especially since one of the adult kids works from home during the day.

Can I give this man praise? (asked above) Yes. It is easy to brag on him to others for all of his admirable qualities...great father, good provider, smart, handsome. Can I let go of the hurt? Hasn't happened yet. I have my moments. We'll have a good weekend, great sex, a dinner date, some conversation...I'll let myself believe I can trust...then my intuition tells me - check the computer...and bam, more deleted history, hours on the internet, and just recently, I found an encrypted flash drive.

This is doing a number on me.

What is on that flash drive that he has gone to great lengths to hide from me?

I hate that my trust is being toyed with. As a wife, I want to feel like his #1 - in and out of the bedroom. If he put the time into me that he is putting elsewhere, I'd be thrilled. Instead, I'm sinking into a deep depression. I come home after working all day and immediately my guard is up...he's had the house to himself all day. I know he will sleep part of the day, but I'm also hoping he started dinner, washed a few dishes, cleaned something...instead, the house is exactly like I left it because he has been on his computer all day with chunks of time deleted in the history. He'll order dinner or offer to take me out. He's recently lost 25 pounds. He knows I'm trying to lose a few pounds too, but he does his own thing - making shakes, fixing his own meals, working out. I'd like to do these things too, preferably together. I get so frustrated when I come home and the things he said he would do are left undone (household things) but he has worked out and spent the rest of his waking hours on his computer.

The post above suggested I make life fun...how? Hey - hope you got to look at other women today and enjoy a good workout! Let me wash your gym clothes for you so you can do it again tomorrow.

I keep telling myself I just need to let the house/laundry go - no one else seems to worry and we never have anyone over anyway.

Will I be more fun in a less clean house?
Will I be more fun if I lose 10 pounds?
Will I be more fun if I look at other men when my husband is not available?
Will I be more fun if I keep all this on an encrypted flash drive?

If I confront him about the flash drive, what other lengths will he take to hide stuff from me? It's super hard to be positive, and sexy, and turned on, and fun....when I am feeling none of those things right now.
Well, it sounds like he still doing it. Sorry. Can't be fun. I would confront him.
 

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It's been six more months since my last post and honestly, nothing much has changed. I've really tried to be more available sexually, although this is still hard with our opposite schedules. We've always been more intimate on the weekends, when we actually get to be in the same bed together. Just sort of the routine, especially since one of the adult kids works from home during the day.

Can I give this man praise? (asked above) Yes. It is easy to brag on him to others for all of his admirable qualities...great father, good provider, smart, handsome. Can I let go of the hurt? Hasn't happened yet. I have my moments. We'll have a good weekend, great sex, a dinner date, some conversation...I'll let myself believe I can trust...then my intuition tells me - check the computer...and bam, more deleted history, hours on the internet, and just recently, I found an encrypted flash drive.

This is doing a number on me.

What is on that flash drive that he has gone to great lengths to hide from me?

I hate that my trust is being toyed with. As a wife, I want to feel like his #1 - in and out of the bedroom. If he put the time into me that he is putting elsewhere, I'd be thrilled. Instead, I'm sinking into a deep depression. I come home after working all day and immediately my guard is up...he's had the house to himself all day. I know he will sleep part of the day, but I'm also hoping he started dinner, washed a few dishes, cleaned something...instead, the house is exactly like I left it because he has been on his computer all day with chunks of time deleted in the history. He'll order dinner or offer to take me out. He's recently lost 25 pounds. He knows I'm trying to lose a few pounds too, but he does his own thing - making shakes, fixing his own meals, working out. I'd like to do these things too, preferably together. I get so frustrated when I come home and the things he said he would do are left undone (household things) but he has worked out and spent the rest of his waking hours on his computer.

The post above suggested I make life fun...how? Hey - hope you got to look at other women today and enjoy a good workout! Let me wash your gym clothes for you so you can do it again tomorrow.

I keep telling myself I just need to let the house/laundry go - no one else seems to worry and we never have anyone over anyway.

Will I be more fun in a less clean house?
Will I be more fun if I lose 10 pounds?
Will I be more fun if I look at other men when my husband is not available?
Will I be more fun if I keep all this on an encrypted flash drive?

If I confront him about the flash drive, what other lengths will he take to hide stuff from me? It's super hard to be positive, and sexy, and turned on, and fun....when I am feeling none of those things right now.
I've been in similar shoes. 26 years, mostly on different shifts. Adult kids at home. Responsible for the household load. Gaslit so much I don't even cry anymore. A year ago or so I was trying to fix it to figure it out and in much pain. No sex for 7 months when I stopped initiating (I'm pretty hot, open-minded and love sex). I listened to "Too good to leave Too bad to stay" the book, and determined there was love left on the table and I should try. So I did really try hard. And a year later I'm drained, hurt, numb, disgusted and I'm not in love with him. I loved who he was and what I hoped he was. I wish I could say you'll have a better outcome. But w his weight loss and disinterest and web cams and chatting with "old girlfriends" I'd bet your husband has a ho on the horizon. (Another fun debacle I got through ten years ago). I hope you focus on you for a change and do some self care. Get a massage from a male therapist and remember how strong and healing a man's touch can be. Glam yourself up and go do stuff for you to remember you are not a consolation prize for your roomie hubby. I don't know where things go after that. But I suspect if you stay on this trajectory they won't change. I know how much you're hurting. I'm so sorry 💔
 

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The last time I confronted him, he just turned it on me...I'm the one that doesn't seem interested, doesn't meet his needs, doesn't seem to want sex as much as he does, etc...
I’d ask him, “What do you propose we do about it?”
 

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I've really tried to be more available sexually, …
Mind clarifying what you mean by that?

Is he available?

What does initiation look like, from whomever does the initiation? Does either of you reject the other, or broadcast disinterest?
 

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If this is who he is, do you like him? Has he been willing to engage on closing the gap between you and him in any way, or does he just stonewall and evade and gaslight enough you and your concerns go away for awhile? If no engagement, why do you accept do little for yourself.
 

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Discussion Starter · #32 ·
Mind clarifying what you mean by that?

Is he available?

What does initiation look like, from whomever does the initiation? Does either of you reject the other, or broadcast disinterest?
With our opposite schedules, sex usually only happens on the weekend. Even though I often only feel like the vessel for him, I have been very much aware of still saying yes, being open to his touch, and not shutting down. For months, I've shared with him - I want emotional intimacy...we hardly see each other during the week and when we do have sex, it has become just that....sex. No I love you's or sweet words. He has become much more physical...
 

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Discussion Starter · #33 ·
So I confronted him.

I tried to be somewhat nonchalant about it...he was talking about his schedule and I told him I wanted him to change shifts. He doesn't want to do this because he makes more working off shifts, but I argued that it works for him. But it no longer works for me....that I knew he was still watching porn and that I had found an encrypted flash drive.

Crickets.

Then he says well that flash drive is old, and it just has our financial documents on it. You should know that password.

Lies.

Fortunately I had taken a pic to prove what I had seen on the drive and I showed him.

He still countered the drive was old and he just hadn't seen it in a while. So I told him, I wanted him to show me and open up the drive. I fully expected us to continue the conversation later in the day when we had more time, but instead, he fell asleep. I knew he was tired, but I just don't understand how someone can sleep knowing your spouse is about to explode lying next to you. He just didn't want to bother.

The next morning, as I was leaving for work, I reminded him that he still needed to show me the drive. But that now, I would have my doubts since I knew he would alter it the moment I left. AND HE DID.

When I got home, I found the drive and popped it in. Every file says modified on...11/11/21.... So now, I have even bigger problems. I'll never know what he was hiding because he will never be able to prove anything. Now I can't trust him even more. He lied to me. Every time I've confronted him, he makes promises and then evades. Don't know which is worse...being married to someone who lies to my face or someone who is hiding things. Have spent the past 2 days not speaking to him. I just have no words...
 

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Him turning things on you is called gaslighting. He is avoiding/deflecting the facts. Facts are facts. You found multiple porn sites searched. Plus he’s clearing the search history. He may continue to lie and avoid the truth...but you know the truth. How does him watching porn make you feel? Is that how you want to feel for years to come? Can you continue to live that way?
I strongly recommend that you tell him in a letter, because of his turning things back on you. If you clearly write down the consequences in your letter if he continues and doesn’t get help...then it could mean the end of the marriage. A wife who never refuses sex to her husband deserves a man who will do the same. Relationships go both ways. He is being selfish and not thinking of you. You deserve more.
This right is here is the best reply I've read thus far. I'm in something similar, however my husband wants sex whenever possible and I don't deny him. But sadly it's him using my body for his pleasure and when he's done he is good. I'm totally disconnected and he is fine with that. He has emotionally starved me for so long, there's nothing left and I just don't care anymore. He gaslit me each time I tried to be open and honest and I just gave up. He's a pitiful excuse for a man and your own husband is being a total coward as well.

Write the letter, draw a line and move on if he can't meet you in the middle.
 

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Quit my job to babysit my adult husband? He has the option to change shifts.
Quitting your job solves your time and schedule problems. It will do nothing to help your situation that you refer to as "babysitting" your husband. Since he has the option to change shifts, why hasn't he done so?
 

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Discussion Starter · #37 ·
Well looks like I have another update, and it is a doozie....

He has been cheating for 8 years!

Found pictures and videos...remember my very first post where I stated he was messaging an ex on FB. Well - they were doing more than texting...sending nude pics, videos, and just last weekend, he took pics of her giving him a blow job while I was visiting our college kid.

It's been 24 hours since I discovered the pics on his iPad and I go from totally numb to shaking uncontrollably to utter heartbreak.

He says it was just a physical thing and I've always been his soul mate. He doesn't want to leave me. He has agreed to counseling and we have already made an appointment.

Am I a damn fool or what? I love him, but 8 years of lies and cheating. I don't want to be a lonely, middle aged woman starting over. We have a history, kids (although mostly grown)...I have no other family nearby. I am beyond crushed.

In a moment of complete bravado, I stormed out of the house, drove to the other woman's house (at 7AM), and showed the pics to her husband...he was totally clueless. He and I have met twice, mostly to try to untangle all the lies. He has no interest in reconciling, admitting his marriage has been a disaster.

My husband is trying to be nice - bought me flowers, has spent hours talking, crying... I have barely eaten in 2 days and have not slept all week. All I can think is 8 years!
 

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Long-term cheaters — and I was married to one — don’t want a divorce. They want the “good little wife” at home and they want fun and excitement on the side. I was married for decades and late in life got out when I realized their affair had resumed (or maybe never stopped — who knows). I think you’ll stay but I don’t recommend it. Reconciliation is the most difficult thing you will ever do. I wish you the best going forward.
 

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He has left, yet still remains.

He is a man of pedantic routine, not one of romance.

He enjoys his alone time because you are not there to remind him he is married.

He sees you as someone who stays his hand, when it could be busy shaking.

He is wed to naked images on the screen.

He is just another porn addict.

Sorry, this has become a widespread concern.
Yes.



Are Dee-
 

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That sucks @Kamd, though it won't feel like it right now. There is life after divorce (and please do divorce him).

However when going forward, please don't settle for less and rely on hopium. If you find yourself starved of intimacy and affection in a sexual relationship, since that's natures way of telling you to let them go.
 
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