Talk About Marriage banner

21 - 23 of 23 Posts

·
Super Moderator
Joined
·
9,159 Posts
I find it interesting that I'm seeing comments about her role in the disintegration of the marriage and how porn use can come from this, but we'd never see this line if thinking if he was seeing another woman....even though the logic could still hold.

Somehow porn has come to be seen as at best a right and at worst not such a big deal....but to those who view channeling sexual energy elsewhere cheating its not much different from seeing another person.

I'm not trying to make an argument one way or the other....just pointing out as food for thought that it's being insinuated that he's not fully responsible for his choice to jerk off to porn because she's contributing to that dynamic but if he'd found another woman the marital dynamic would then have no bearing on his decision to look elsewhere.

Because a cheaters decision to cheat is always on them.

So which is it? Are we responsible for our own behavior or are we not?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
71 Posts
Well, it has been a while...nothing new here other than I had the same conversation last night that I had 9 months ago...called him out for continuing to watch porn/hide/delete internet history. I've tried to be more available which is hard to do with adult kids living at home, his working from home (midnight shift), and me working days out of the house. When I leave, I get all suspicious that he is home alone and enjoying the internet - and when/if I check, I'm usually right. Lately, we've been on each other's last nerve - I feel lonely and my guard is way up, although he did not know why until last night. Three weeks ago, we had a great time in bed together and we both really enjoyed it and I felt like maybe my worries were all in my head. But the very next day, he was watching some pretty hardcore stuff. Why am I not enough? I feel betrayed. He says he watches because I don't act like I want him anymore. I'm withdrawing because he's getting off with in own little world.

After he criticized me last night for a really trivial thing, all the feels came welling up inside me. After a few hours of the silent treatment (from both of us), I finally just ripped the band aid off and told him I had snooped around on his computer and knew he was still watching porn/deleting his history. Crickets.

Finally he mumbled some remarks about me not showing an interest for months! (Remember that 3 week trist I mentioned above?). I let him know how I felt about that - we had a fun time together and 24 hours later....how soon he forgets. I told him I felt hurt, betrayed, crushed...I'll never be enough and I feel like a failure, alone, and sad. He didn't want to talk and fell asleep. I was up half the night (and sleeping in another room) thinking...how do we fix our marriage? Can I ever measure up? Feel secure?

When I came home from work today, we talked briefly and he promised he was going to change. He said he was sorry he hurt me, but I don't act like I love him. When I told him how lonely I've been for MONTHS, he said he was the lonely one. So I showed him this post! I wanted him to know this wasn't a new thing for me (or him). Of course, he was glad to see comments above that supported him!

I feel one of our biggest issues is time. He works nights; I work days - and we have been on this schedule for 22 years. As our kids have grown, we both live in the same house but are living separate lives. He's not interested in changing his schedule and I don't have the option. I read an article (and showed it to him too) about "micro-cheating." Out of the 10 types of cheating (that did not involve sex), I think 5 applied to him...(keeping secrets, porn, talking with an ex, primary loyalty elsewhere, insincere apology)...

Any advice is appreciated. I guess my biggest question is can we get past this? How do I rebuild trust in an hour per day? Do I just give up and pretend this is enough...
I highly recommend trying to get work schedules more the same. I know working shift work is hard on a marriage and if you have different schedules all the time, it is very difficult to have a good relationship. He probably misses you too and with limited time together, finds relief in porn and masturbation. He is very unlikely to stop with the current work schedules. My wife and I developed a couple of rules about sex, no porn and masturbation is ok as long as the other one knows about it FIRST. Basically, you need to offer a sexual experience to your spouse first, before you decide to masturbate on your own. We do that with no exceptions.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,714 Posts
It seriously is not easy in long term relationships. It takes alot of giving, alot of forgiving and sometimes we just reach a point that we cannot whether man or woman. Being married for 30 years I think you already understand how much propping and admiration a man needs. It does not stop with time, age and maturity and if you really think about it we like the same also. A man's dedication to his being able to provide for his family financial is very important to him and this sometimes we neglect to give appreciation for (because many of us are juggling to hold careers and keep everyone in the family happy) but this is very important to men. Every man has a hunger that needs feeding whether it is his need for you to laugh at his jokes, or see his big muscles, or take note of how wise he is. on the flip side each of ladies has that need also, something feeds us also. What is it that he needs from you? and no it is not all about sex. He might just need your adoration. Men cave when they feel they are not good enough just like we retreat when we do not feel good about ourselves.

Can you still give this man praise? Can you let go of your own hurts and shine a light on him?

Porn is an evil for men but I have found that there are men who can view it and crave their female partner and in that case porn is just a release. There are other men who have trouble with intimacy and relationships with women and turn to porn rather than their partner. I am assuming from your post your husband is the first statement mentioned concerning porn, trust me, that is good!!!!!!!

Remember too that us ladies flourish with positive, so do men. Make it fun, enjoy life, try something new but do not tell him he is not meeting your needs and do not condemn his efforts. Think how you would feel if he complained to you. Positive goes a long way!!! (I was married for 24 years, with my ex for 27 years, so I do understand).
 
21 - 23 of 23 Posts
Top