[Kamd]

Confession - first post.

Married almost 30 years...my hubs is a great father and a good provider. I love him. But I miss the passion in our relationship. Our sex life has become 100% predictable. We work opposite schedules, so our time together in bed is somewhat limited. But initiating sex has become a struggle. I crave intimacy and feeling truly loved and connected to him. He gets frustrated because he thinks I'm not interested. The truth is I know he is watching live cams and porn. I also know he looks at other women on FB and has had some messaging back and forth with an ex. I've confronted him about these things. At first, he denied it, then he told me if it made me uncomfortable, he would not do it anymore. But I know he is continuing to watch porn. He uses his computer constantly, and a few times, I've checked his internet history. It's deleted. Obviously, he has something to hide from me. I don't think he is physically cheating, as he is always home (especially now during covid). But whatever he is up to is really holding me back from initiating sex, enjoying physical touch. He takes my lack of desire as that I'm not interested or have lost feelings for him. He says he is still attracted to me and loves me, yet we never spend time together doing things as a couple (outside of the bedroom). With his work, he is either on his computer or sleeping. He used to be such a romantic, leaving me cards, bringing flowers, running a bath for me. Now, I don't even feel like we talk about anything other than routine household stuff. There are literally days when we have spoken less that 15 min. When we do have sex, he seems to enjoy it; but I'm always left wanting more. He would like for me to be more aggressive, and I want to be; however, I crave tenderness, romance (sweet words/feelings). I want to feel loved and not just a sexual partner. I've asked for several months, maybe even a few years! I just feel incredibly lonely...he is obviously finding ways to "meet his needs," how do I fulfill my own? Incredibly lonely...

 

[Anastasia6]

Well when you say meet your own needs I hope you don't mean for connectness, intimacy and sexual fulfillment because that's his job. If he isn't going to do basic stuff like talk with you and have fulfilling sex then what is he doing?

Have you expressed to him your desire for more connectedness? Have you tried inviting him to do thing with you that you both might enjoy? Does he know you aren't happy with the sex? Have you tried toys together? Do you know what you might want to do differently?

Have you both tried counseling. He needs to 'hear' you on the live cam and porn. The live cam is especially egregious to me but I wouldn't like the porn either. The FB old girlfriends is also not marriage behavior. The live cam would have to be paid for. Do you have access to the credit card data? That is an easy way to tell if he is still doing the live cam.

When you say always on his computer, do you work? How are household chores split up? You say it is holding you back from initiating sex. Does he initiate sex?

 

[Bobbyjo]

Confession - first post.

Married almost 30 years...my hubs is a great father and a good provider. I love him. But I miss the passion in our relationship. Our sex life has become 100% predictable. We work opposite schedules, so our time together in bed is somewhat limited. But initiating sex has become a struggle. I crave intimacy and feeling truly loved and connected to him. He gets frustrated because he thinks I'm not interested. The truth is I know he is watching live cams and porn. I also know he looks at other women on FB and has had some messaging back and forth with an ex. I've confronted him about these things. At first, he denied it, then he told me if it made me uncomfortable, he would not do it anymore. But I know he is continuing to watch porn. He uses his computer constantly, and a few times, I've checked his internet history. It's deleted. Obviously, he has something to hide from me. I don't think he is physically cheating, as he is always home (especially now during covid). But whatever he is up to is really holding me back from initiating sex, enjoying physical touch. He takes my lack of desire as that I'm not interested or have lost feelings for him. He says he is still attracted to me and loves me, yet we never spend time together doing things as a couple (outside of the bedroom). With his work, he is either on his computer or sleeping. He used to be such a romantic, leaving me cards, bringing flowers, running a bath for me. Now, I don't even feel like we talk about anything other than routine household stuff. There are literally days when we have spoken less that 15 min. When we do have sex, he seems to enjoy it; but I'm always left wanting more. He would like for me to be more aggressive, and I want to be; however, I crave tenderness, romance (sweet words/feelings). I want to feel loved and not just a sexual partner. I've asked for several months, maybe even a few years! I just feel incredibly lonely...he is obviously finding ways to "meet his needs," how do I fulfill my own? Incredibly lonely...

Pornography ruins the true intimacy in a marriage. It is a false reality and offers a perverse image of making love. Porn has zero emotion. I don’t blame you for feeling upset about him watching porn when he has you to love him. Sorry guys reading this...but men fall easy to the illusions and escapism of pornography. It isn’t real and gives men this idea of what fun sex should be. I’m wondering what other feelings you might be having about his behaviour. Have you shared with him how this is making you feel?

 

[DTO]

You shouldn't have to meet your own emotional needs, especially when you're willing to be open with him about what you need. And chatting up exes (people he actually knows IRL) needs to stop. He's probably at least fantasizing about them, which is really bad for your intimacy.

I guess the only question is: if he were focused on you appropriately would the sex get better? I ask because some ladies take the perspective that the guy should be devoted to his wife's needs whether the intimacy is good or not. I understand that perspective but it's not helpful when you want to create a mutually fulfilling experience and one partner is pulling away.

It doesn't sound like that's what is happening here, but it's just food for thought.

 

[Kamd]

Pornography ruins the true intimacy in a marriage. It is a false reality and offers a perverse image of making love. Porn has zero emotion. I don’t blame you for feeling upset about him watching porn when he has you to love him. Sorry guys reading this...but men fall easy to the illusions and escapism of pornography. It isn’t real and gives men this idea of what fun sex should be. I’m wondering what other feelings you might be having about his behaviour. Have you shared with him how this is making you feel?

It's difficult to talk about with him. The only reason I know about the pornography/live cam stuff is because I've been snooping around...checking his computer. He always denies it if I ask him about it, then I have to confess that I've searched his computer. He knows he is caught. I feel so bad confessing my snooping around, but he would never admit to it. The last time I confronted him, he just turned it on me...I'm the one that doesn't seem interested, doesn't meet his needs, doesn't seem to want sex as much as he does, etc...Now, he has just gotten better about hiding it. He deletes his search history. He can spend hours on his computer, and if I check it (when he is not around), there will only be 15 sites or so....whereas normally, there would be 100 or more. It's probably true that the more I think this is happening, the more I withdraw. It's been almost a month now since there has been any real conversation or physical activity between us. This is the longest stretch we've ever had...I'm depressed, hurt, angry.

 

[Bobbyjo]

It's difficult to talk about with him. The only reason I know about the pornography/live cam stuff is because I've been snooping around...checking his computer. He always denies it if I ask him about it, then I have to confess that I've searched his computer. He knows he is caught. I feel so bad confessing my snooping around, but he would never admit to it. The last time I confronted him, he just turned it on me...I'm the one that doesn't seem interested, doesn't meet his needs, doesn't seem to want sex as much as he does, etc...Now, he has just gotten better about hiding it. He deletes his search history. He can spend hours on his computer, and if I check it (when he is not around), there will only be 15 sites or so....whereas normally, there would be 100 or more. It's probably true that the more I think this is happening, the more I withdraw. It's been almost a month now since there has been any real conversation or physical activity between us. This is the longest stretch we've ever had...I'm depressed, hurt, angry.

Him turning things on you is called gaslighting. He is avoiding/deflecting the facts. Facts are facts. You found multiple porn sites searched. Plus he’s clearing the search history. He may continue to lie and avoid the truth...but you know the truth. How does him watching porn make you feel? Is that how you want to feel for years to come? Can you continue to live that way?
I strongly recommend that you tell him in a letter, because of his turning things back on you. If you clearly write down the consequences in your letter if he continues and doesn’t get help...then it could mean the end of the marriage. A wife who never refuses sex to her husband deserves a man who will do the same. Relationships go both ways. He is being selfish and not thinking of you. You deserve more.

 

[Mr.Married]

I will play devil’s advocate:

So back when he WAS doing all those romantic things , do you think you were meeting HIS needs the way he needed them ?

 

[DTO]

I will play devil’s advocate:

So back when he WAS doing all those romantic things , do you think you were meeting HIS needs the way he needed them ?

Yeah I was thinking the same thing a couple of posts earlier.

To the OP: I asked because sometimes the guy acts out like this because he's unhappy with the frequency and/or quantity of intimacy and doesn't have the courage to address it forthrightly (or thinks the lady won't bother to help fix the problem). It doesn't mean what he did is right; it does indicate, however, what it might take to fix the issue.

Personally, I never did camgirls or cheat on my ex-wife. But I did use porn, because the frequency at which she would provide (average once a month) was not nearly enough for me (or for most men, likely). If this is your situation, you might need to realize that a long-term solution involves better meeting his needs. Then you'd have to decide if that is doable or (alternatively) if that's just not how you want to live your life.

I don't know you personally, but I know from experience that lots of women just don't want to put a lot of effort into sex. Or they resent that sex is not optional / their partner's opinion of them goes down if the sex is bad. So this is just food for thought. While you are right to address his unacceptable behavior, you need to go deeper and figure out what unmet need is driving it and thus what (if anything) you're willing to do to better meet his needs.

 

[aaarghdub]

Confession - first post.

I crave intimacy and feeling truly loved and connected to him. He gets frustrated because he thinks I'm not interested.

When we do have sex, he seems to enjoy it; but I'm always left wanting more. He would like for me to be more aggressive, and I want to be; however, I crave tenderness, romance (sweet words/feelings). I want to feel loved and not just a sexual partner.

I've asked for several months, maybe even a few years! I just feel incredibly lonely...he is obviously finding ways to "meet his needs," how do I fulfill my own? Incredibly lonely...

Honestly, men gauge a women’s passion towards them thru sex. If the construct is “of course I feel that way about you... just don’t make me express it” then the dynamic now is he has to be overt about showing his feelings towards you and he has to take your word for it. And you are expecting him to do it way more often than you are willing to do. I get this from wife a lot and it kills a lot of desire to do the things she wants.

Any guy can “enjoy sex” but ejaculating does not mean he feels connected. I’ll be honest, most guys getting regular sex with someone projecting that they are into them, hungry for them and make sex something they’re both invested and excited about will get whatever romantic connection they want from their husbands. That’s the side effect of the dopamine and oxytocin released during sex. If you require him to start first, you’re gonna be stuck where your at. If you show him you love him like a family member and not a lover expect to get treated like a family member (which you are) since he’s chosen to get his dopamine hit elsewhere.

Now WRT the porn stuff. Yeah he pretty much f’d that up and needs to realize the emotional destruction it’s causing. Might be time for marriage counseling.


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[CatholicDad]

I will play devil’s advocate:

So back when he WAS doing all those romantic things , do you think you were meeting HIS needs the way he needed them ?

You’re insinuating that his porn and web cam use are her fault (just like hubby was).

In reality, hubby has committed a form of adultery and likely continues to do so- and is hiding it.

 

[DTO]

You’re insinuating that his porn and web cam use are her fault (just like hubby was).

In reality, hubby has committed a form of adultery and likely continues to do so- and is hiding it.

That's not it. They both have some blame here. Of course, the hubby's porn use is a problem, but we don't know if that's in a vacuum or what's driving that.

Let's say, for instance, that the hubby's actions are driven by a sexless or near-sexless marriage. If that is the case, even if the porn use stopped 100%, we would still have the underlying lack of sex to deal with; stopping the porn would not resolve their issues.

The reality is that men turn to porn because their wives are shutting them down at home - not occasionally, but consistently over a substantial period of time. Fixing this sort of problem requires behavioral changes from both partners.

ETA: there just isn't enough information to say that stopping the porn and webcams will fix the problem. I especially picked up on the OP saying that the sex life doesn't excite her and is predictable. That to me is a red flag. Is it really the case that her husband spontaneously checked out of sex with a wife who provides it with plenty of frequency, variety, and spice? Perhaps.

But that's not the usual case. The norm is more like the wife tends to ratchet down sex – cutting down frequency, variety, etc. and expects the guy to accept the slowdown as the new normal without any corresponding decrease in the guy’s attention and care.

 

[aaarghdub]

But whatever he is up to is really holding me back from initiating sex, enjoying physical touch. He takes my lack of desire as that I'm not interested or have lost feelings for him. He says he is still attracted to me and loves me, yet we never spend time together doing things as a couple (outside of the bedroom).

When a man gets the vibe she’s just not into him physically/sexually he becomes less motivated towards her as that is the barometer for the relationship. He’s stuck because it’s a chicken-and-the-egg thing... he has to work harder for the sex he wants. When a woman gets the vibe he’s not into sex/touch she sees it’s a slap in the face. Honestly, there is a lot less work a woman has to do if she wants sex. She just has to mentally loadshed enough to be open to the idea of sex.

I went back and reread the original post. I noticed a bunch of “he’s not” and “he used to” statements but nothing besides you have sex but aren’t into it. That and you aren’t doing anything else besides putting together a case to take to the grand jury. Are you being honest about your roll in him pulling away? Three points...

1) The main thing guys get from porn is seeing what they themselves wish, to be the object of desire from a woman that feels passionate not only about them but about sex in general. And too boot very little effort required on his end nor any hang ups, constraints or mental loadshedding. Now that being said, what he is doing is shady and undermining trust... no doubt. The more angry and spiteful you get the more he’ll go underground and push you away.

2) So what are YOU doing to date your husband? Are you presenting something worth desiring? I think a lot of people forget to ask themselves this question. You care when you’re dating but not once your married. All this stuff he used to do are you reciprocating? Your disappointment, complaining and “hoop jumping” is competing against other women’s freely-given interest in him even though it’s streamed/fake/paid for.

3) What other stuff do you want to do together? Is it just stuff YOU want to do but he has no interest in?

Seek counseling and broach this with a third-party.


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[Ragnar Ragnasson]

You’re insinuating that his porn and web cam use are her fault (just like hubby was).

In reality, hubby has committed a form of adultery and likely continues to do so- and is hiding it.

I don't think @Mr.Married is.

He's simply opening the larger picture for a wider view to shine some light on a number of potential issues in the relationship challenges.

Very rarely do all the smaller problems that create the larger problems stem just from one side.

And only one side's perspective is shown so far here. Nothing against OP in any way at all she may absolutely have it right.

Consider this; in ltr relationships it's known that all issues are rarely caused by one party, wouldn't you agree?

 

[CatholicDad]

It’s a despicable argument to say or insinuate that his web cam, porn, and messaging ladies is her fault.

 

[Spicy]

OP, do you feel his web cam/porn use is cheating?

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

It’s a despicable argument to say or insinuate that his web cam, porn, and messaging ladies is her fault.

No, I'm clearly stating what we're reading is likely one problem in a group of problems, to reach this level of relationship difficulties.

If I had wanted to say this was all the OPs fault that's what I would have said.

 

[CatholicDad]

No, I'm clearly stating what we're reading is likely one problem in a group of problems, to reach this level of relationship difficulties.

If I had wanted to say this was all the OPs fault that's what I would have said.

I think in your/Mr.Married’s opinion- porn and web cam sex is justified if wives aren’t performing like porn queens.

I mean, the OP came here saying she was craving intimacy...

 

[Ragnar Ragnasson]

Who mentioned web-cam sex? That's a no, not good action imo.

 

[Kamd]

Well, it has been a while...nothing new here other than I had the same conversation last night that I had 9 months ago...called him out for continuing to watch porn/hide/delete internet history. I've tried to be more available which is hard to do with adult kids living at home, his working from home (midnight shift), and me working days out of the house. When I leave, I get all suspicious that he is home alone and enjoying the internet - and when/if I check, I'm usually right. Lately, we've been on each other's last nerve - I feel lonely and my guard is way up, although he did not know why until last night. Three weeks ago, we had a great time in bed together and we both really enjoyed it and I felt like maybe my worries were all in my head. But the very next day, he was watching some pretty hardcore stuff. Why am I not enough? I feel betrayed. He says he watches because I don't act like I want him anymore. I'm withdrawing because he's getting off with in own little world.

After he criticized me last night for a really trivial thing, all the feels came welling up inside me. After a few hours of the silent treatment (from both of us), I finally just ripped the band aid off and told him I had snooped around on his computer and knew he was still watching porn/deleting his history. Crickets.

Finally he mumbled some remarks about me not showing an interest for months! (Remember that 3 week trist I mentioned above?). I let him know how I felt about that - we had a fun time together and 24 hours later....how soon he forgets. I told him I felt hurt, betrayed, crushed...I'll never be enough and I feel like a failure, alone, and sad. He didn't want to talk and fell asleep. I was up half the night (and sleeping in another room) thinking...how do we fix our marriage? Can I ever measure up? Feel secure?

When I came home from work today, we talked briefly and he promised he was going to change. He said he was sorry he hurt me, but I don't act like I love him. When I told him how lonely I've been for MONTHS, he said he was the lonely one. So I showed him this post! I wanted him to know this wasn't a new thing for me (or him). Of course, he was glad to see comments above that supported him!

I feel one of our biggest issues is time. He works nights; I work days - and we have been on this schedule for 22 years. As our kids have grown, we both live in the same house but are living separate lives. He's not interested in changing his schedule and I don't have the option. I read an article (and showed it to him too) about "micro-cheating." Out of the 10 types of cheating (that did not involve sex), I think 5 applied to him...(keeping secrets, porn, talking with an ex, primary loyalty elsewhere, insincere apology)...

Any advice is appreciated. I guess my biggest question is can we get past this? How do I rebuild trust in an hour per day? Do I just give up and pretend this is enough...

 

[Blondilocks]

Well, you don't have a husband. You have a roommate with the occasional benefit. And, that's the way he likes it. If you want an actual partner, you're going to have to look elsewhere. Kids are grown so what's keeping you around?

You'll have an easier time finding a new partner than he will.