[Deejo]

Discussion and some questions from @LisaDiane and @Livvie in another thread prompted the creation of this one.

A post I made in the other thread indicated that as an older (yet young at heart) dude, once again thrust into the dating market, I am relatively flexible about gauging someone's interest in, desire for, or readiness to be intimate.

I have indeed had sex on a first date. And in one case was in a dating relationship for just about 3 months, with no intimacy. I invited her to go away for a weekend. She enthusiastically said yes. On said weekend, I made the move, and she indicated she wasn't comfortable. Kissed her on the forehead, and told her that's fine. Next weekend she asked me if I wanted to get together and I told her I had plans (not a game, I did). She then expeditiously dumped me over text. I simply responded with, "I understand."

The comment I made in the other thread that drew questions was, "I have no interest in 36 to 56 year old woman that is looking to protect her virginity for a second time." Meaning that they are consciously withholding from their partner to meet some unspoken expectation, surrounding getting busy. I've seen it, I've discussed it, I've read about ... even here on the boards. I'm sure everyone that has been here for a while can recall reading a post referring to a woman who has been very liberal with her sexuality, right up until she meets a man that she deems of value, and suddenly the waiting game is on. Generally, these are younger couples. And I certainly felt like there was a bit of that mentality even in the thread we were all participating in.

I am of the belief, and although some will no doubt claim counter, that the overwhelming majority of women, I daresay all, know by the end of the first date, whether or not they want to sleep with that man.

The when, is the other matter.

I'm dating a woman now, who already in the span of 3 dates, knows more about me, and I her, than the woman I indicated above did in 3 months.

So, what is your criteria and timeframe surrounding getting busy? And why does it seem to touch a nerve if you have a timeframe, that a man may have one too?

 

[Numb26]

I have always followed the "3 date" rule. Usually by the third date you know if there is sexual fireworks going on.

 

[thunderchad]

I also did the 3 date rule. If it doesn't happen by then it's probably not happening.

 

[leftfield]

I wonder if intovert vs extrovert explains more about how people view this topic than anything else.

 

[Deejo]

Well yeah guys ... I'm very familiar with the 3 date rule. But when you are talking about 2 middle aged people with young adult children at home, sex and logistics has to come into the equation. Are you saying you're dumping a woman that you KNOW wants to have sex with you and it isn't in the first 3 dates? You friggin' Neanderthals ...

Let the ladies answer for cripe sakes. I pretty much know where every guy stands. We are ready for sex ASAP. But if you're are telling me your dumping a woman that doesn't meet the 3 date criteria, I want to know how old you are, and how much dating you do. Because I forget stuff these days ...

 

[happyhusband0005]

I think it is probably best to have sex before the first date just to be sure you're not wasting your time.

 

[Numb26]

Well yeah guys ... I'm very familiar with the 3 date rule. But when you are talking about 2 middle aged people with young adult children at home, sex and logistics has to come into the equation. Are you saying you're dumping a woman that you KNOW wants to have sex with you and it isn't in the first 3 dates? You friggin' Neanderthals ...

Let the ladies answer for cripe sakes. I pretty much know where every guy stands. We are ready for sex ASAP. But if you're are telling me your dumping a woman that doesn't meet the 3 date criteria, I want to know how old you are, and how much dating you do. Because I forget stuff these days ...

If you know that both people WANT to have sex but the logistics don't allow it till after the third date that is different. I am not THAT much of Neanderthal

 

[Deejo]

I wonder if intovert vs extrovert explains more about how people view this topic than anything else.

I am certainly not going to argue that lots of factors play in, and that particularly younger women that want to have a family, likely have a lot more at risk. As for shy vs. outgoing, I'm not sure? I can understand someone who is shy and feels emotionally vulnerable may need a much longer/wider comfort zone and an established feeling of attachment. That actually sums up that woman I dated in my opening post.

But ... I've been on plenty of those '3 date rule criteria' dates, where the chemistry with someone is just remarkable. Both with introverts and extroverts. And it happens, and everyone is good with it. I don't think I've ever been intimate with a woman who regretted it after the fact. Once you are both bathing in that chemical soup of Dopamine, norepinephrine, and oxytocin, nobody is sweating the details or timeframe.

 

[Chaotic]

I agree with @leftfield that this may have a lot to do with personality. If anyone is familiar with the whole Meyers-Briggs personality thing.... Well, I have two female friends who are SP types who think first date sex or ONSs are great if the man is hot and you've got protection. I cannot wrap my head around the idea of sex the first day I meet someone (I'm NF, for those who know what that means). I need to feel like there's a personality/psychological connection first, and that usually takes me several dates at least. My current bf and I didn't have sex until almost the 3 month mark for various reasons but when it happened it was worth the wait 😉

 

[LATERILUS79]

Gonna follow this one. Sounds interesting. I’m so far off being in this situation or ever having been in this situation. I’ve only slept with one woman ever and I’m currently married to her.

while I agree with deejo that men are ready for sex at all times (at least physically), I’m not so sure I was mentally prepared for it. I was saving myself for someone I truly loved. It was actually my wife that pushed us to have sex at the 4 week mark of dating. I wanted to wait a little bit longer but…… she had her ways of convincing me.

God forbid something ever happening that puts me on the dating market again, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with myself.

 

[ccpowerslave]

At this point in my life if I found myself single and as a man of virtue I’d bang after (maybe even during?) the first date after taking appropriate precautions.

 

[Diana7]

I have always followed the "3 date" rule. Usually by the third date you know if there is sexual fireworks going on.

I knew there was chemistry almost straight away. Doesn't mean we had sex though.

If I wasn't a Christian I would probably have sex when I felt we had got to know each other quite well and had strong feelings for each other and were being faithful. Probably not for at least 2 or 3 months though. Either way it wouldn't be till I was pretty sure it was going to last long term.

 

[Diana7]

Gonna follow this one. Sounds interesting. I’m so far off being in this situation or ever having been in this situation. I’ve only slept with one woman ever and I’m currently married to her.

while I agree with deejo that men are ready for sex at all times (at least physically), I’m not so sure I was mentally prepared for it. I was saving myself for someone I truly loved. It was actually my wife that pushed us to have sex at the 4 week mark of dating. I wanted to wait a little bit longer but…… she had her ways of convincing me.

God forbid something ever happening that puts me on the dating market again, I wouldn’t know what the hell to do with myself.

Ahh lovely story🥰

As for if you ever dated again, you may have to stick to your boundaries and values even if the number of women who felt the same was greatly reduced.

My choice was very small.

 

[Affaircare]

I’m a lady “of a certain age” and I’m INFJ, responsive, Demi-sexual and a Taurus… so I know what I want and speak my mind. I think at first my Beloved @Emerging Buddhist was surprised I was so blunt, but I don’t play the “guess what I’m thinking” game lol!

I knew as I got to know him better that I found him very attractive, and being who I am, he knew. So to me I didn’t/don’t think of it as a timeframe (by the 3rd date) so much as expressing where I’m at and what I want… see if it’s mutual…work out logistics and any kinks life throws at ya from there.

I do suspect there would be a limit to some degree—like if it was excuse after excuse, delay after delay. But if it’s mutual, both are working on the logistics, and there’s continued progress—I’m willing to be patient.

No that’s not Taurus stubbornness… it’s patience! Lol 😛

 

[Benbutton]

I don't have a time line as I find it relatively arbitrary and unnecessary. I haven't had an issue of feeling that I was left waiting or wondering when it was going to happen, probably because the feelings were reciprocated equally on both sides. I guess everyone is different and that is what has worked for me in the past. While I don't agree with timeliness I do have to admit 3 months sounds way excessive.

 

[Cletus]

I will speak only for the one woman for whom I am allowed.

For my wife, it was 18 months. That's how long it took from us to start dating until the wedding.

For my part, I would never do that again and am known round here for advocating strongly against it.

 

[thunderchad]

That's why you always plan out dates so sex can happen.

 

[Hiner112]

My experience (as a guy):

At 20 I was in my first serious relationship for about a month (probably 5 or so dates) when she took off her pants for the first time. All we did was that I went down on her. It was probably a few weeks more before she was really interested in taking my pants off.

At 43 I was in my second relationship. We matched on a dating site and chatted daily for a couple months before we were able to meet in person. We hugged at the end of the first date. On the second date we ordered out and ate at a park within about a mile of her house. It started to get dark after we finished eating so she asked if I wanted to come see her where she lived and her dogs and whatnot. So I went to her house and we talked for a bit and well, one thing led to another (and another).

I've talked a bit about this to my kids when "Baby It's Cold Outside" is on the radio. I basically told them that those mating rituals are for those deciding if they want to have kids with someone and I would expect someone as old as Dolly Parton and Rod Stewart would just straight up say whether they were staying the night and what they were going to do and not play the game of being "convinced" or being coy. We're old enough to be confident in our decisions and there's likely no extraneous concerns like creating offspring or whatever. I think stuff like the 3 date rule are there to protect those that might make lifelong decisions based on a short term feeling which isn't really an issue for those of us past child bearing age and knowledgeable about STIs.

 

[Al_Bundy]

That's why you always plan out dates so sex can happen.

Right, I don't understand the logistics thing. Do they have to check each other out of the old folks home and be back when the street lights come on?

It's like the business saying about if you give yourself 3 weeks for a project then it will take you 3 weeks, if you give yourself 3 days then you'll get it done in 3 days. If you accept being strung along for months then that's what you'll get.

 

[Diana7]

I will speak only for the one woman for whom I am allowed.

For my wife, it was 18 months. That's how long it took from us to start dating until the wedding.

For my part, I would never do that again and am known round here for advocating strongly against it.

It was 9 months for us. Never regretted waiting for a second.
We were both of the same mindset though so knew it wasn't going to happen till after the wedding.