Counseling?

1534 Views 4 Replies 5 Participants Last post by badmemory, Oct 24, 2012

anotherone

Discussion Starter · Oct 22, 2012

First session of individual counseling is today. I'm excited, nervous, etc... Little background---found out recently that wife had an affair 6-7 years ago, wife ended it long ago but never came clean, trying to reconcile now. What should I expect from the counselor? What should I ask? It will be nice just to talk to someone about the whole mess. Any suggestions?

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TDSC60

· #2 · Oct 22, 2012

Let the counselor lead the session. The first session is usually a "get to know you" where the counselor asks the questions. May even talk to each of you alone to find out what your objective is.

Don't expect too much from the first meeting.

If the counselor mentions the affair is your fault because you didn't meet your wife's needs - find another counselor.

Problems in the marriage are usually 50/50. Choosing to have an affair is 100% on her.

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cpacan

· #3 · Oct 22, 2012

TDSC60 said:
Let the counselor lead the session. The first session is usually a "get to know you" where the counselor asks the questions. May even talk to each of you alone to find out what your objective is.

Don't expect too much from the first meeting.

If the counselor mentions the affair is your fault because you didn't meet your wife's needs - find another counselor.

Problems in the marriage are usually 50/50. Choosing to have an affair is 100% on her.

It's IC, not MC.

Expect to tell your story exactly how you see it. I think you will feel good to just let it out, no judgements, no fear of reactions - just talk. The counsellor will lead you and ask questions, mainly to clarify, but also to make you reflect on your situation.

Don't be nervous, it will do you good.

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MisterRitter

· #4 · Oct 22, 2012

It may be different for you if you are going in there with one focused issue to work on, but I started a couple of weeks ago with a whole set of problems. I am a mess

. The thing I have realized is that it is a process, and probably not a quick one.

Good luck.

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badmemory

· #5 · Oct 24, 2012

Anotherone,

I was in your same situation about a year ago, though my wife's affair had just ended. I went to individual counseling as well. Unfortunately it didn't go well for me, because I had an incompetent counselor. How do I know that now? My new friends on this board educated me.

This counselor tried to suggest that I should look at my own actions in regards to why my wife had the affair. At one point she asked me "don't you believe it's possible for a woman to be in love with two men at once?".

So after that, I went into R with the attitude that I had to share the blame for what she did, which I did for months. I've recently corrected that with my wife, but because of it, the healing process for me was delayed and it was more difficult for my wife to show the type of remorse she should have.

So my advice, get counseling, but find someone experienced with infidelity. If they are not what you need, don't be hesitant to fire them and find someone else.

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