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Discussion Starter #1
My fiance and I certainly are going to need some help to better clarify our issues and move forward. I am trying to learn where best to find help, how much to expect to pay, and how long it could take to get any real answers. I say this because we visited a place when I was a child and remember going through 3-4 of them because all the counselor can do is nod and say "and how did that make you feel". We are looking for ANSWERS.

Let me list a few of the hot issues right now to see if this helps.

Her views towards me:
I seem arrogant to her and she resents that
She can do nothing right in my eyes
I don't care about her enough to marry her
I don't give enough family or financial support to seem dedicated
I am selfish


My views of her:
She is selfish and only considers her feelings
Lacks ability to communicate
May carry too much resentment to reconcile
I carry resentment due to lack of sex from her

I almost feel that we might be more productive and comfortable talking with a couple or married person rather than a doctor. I do not always believe doctors are right. However, she grew up in a broken and lifeless home and I really think there are some very serious issues there. Issues that have kept her from dropping her guarded walls and letting me love her and in return, loving FULLY back.
 

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Discussion Starter #2
Sorry to reup this thread but was not sure if it is in the wrong category or stepping on toes? We are trying to find someone to talk to soon. We have decided to at least talk to someone together before ending it. I just know from experience, PHDs may drag this our for MUCH longer than we would like. We want some neutral answers and honesty.
 

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Counseling:

Go to Psychology Today and you can search for a counselor in your area. The results that come up will have a list of their "specialties". Maybe look for "pre-marital" counseling. Expect to get everything out on the table now and expect to get hit with your faults. Better to do this now than get down the road in marriage and feel something wasn't addressed by one of you.

How Much?

Depend on whether you have insurance or not. My counselors and therapists have cost from $150-260/session (45 minutes), but insurance covers all but $20-25 of it.

How Long?

Depends on progress. We met with our first marriage counselor weekly for 8 weeks and then my wife stopped going. I have gone to two therapists for a while (one for six month, one for a year) at once every two weeks. The marriage counselor we are seeing now is once every two weeks and we have been going for about two months.

With this marriage counselor I put a deadline as to when we needed to make progress (January 1). This is because we were close to divorce (again) and I wanted to see real progress, not month after month of ***** sessions. I think it's valid to have a date, at least in your mind, where you want to see progress or need to decide to move on.
 

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Discussion Starter #4 (Edited)
Thanks. That was great advice. We do not have insurance to cover this but in looking at your referenced page, I was able to find a few that are affordable. Trying to stay under 100 bucks.

I did have a couple other questions

1. Is there any way to sum up or get referrals on a therapist before going? Neither of us wish to waste time and money and concerned we will find some duds that are just there to listen, not to intervene.

2. We are trying to make a decision on a male or female and even considering age. I guess I would prefer to talk with someone older that has been married for many years, to bring those experiences into the picture. I just have a hard time taking relationship advice from someone in their 30s but I might be wrong.
 

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Find a trained marital therapist, preferably one who is certified by the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists
A trained marital therapist will QUICKLY pick up on themes and core relationship issues.
In our book " The Couples Survival Workbook" we have a number of exercises designed to help couples make more rapid progress.
Any good marital therapist will use exercises, homework, etc to help couples make change.
David Olsen, Ph.D, LMFT
 
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