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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hi, I 've been lurking here for a while , trying to decide if I want to get involved .
My situation is that while I'm getting some good advice from an Individual Counselor, I would also like to get some from other people who have been in my shoes, so to speak.
I was married for 25 years, and have two kids. My ex-wife and I had , what I would have termed (until a year ago) a great marriage. Both my ex-wife and I had good jobs (She is a hospital tech and I'm a shift supervisor in a factory), plus we operated a side business (farm). We were happy, I guess, or at least I was happy, until 2 years ago. My plant began to downsize and I was forced to move to third shift to keep my job. She works evenings, so our together time was at a minimum. She complained , but there wasn't much I could do, without quitting and losing seniority and pension benefits. We began to argue a lot and and that put a further strain on us.
I got a call from one of her co-workers who informed me that she thought my wife was getting too close to another lab tech, named Brad. When we were able to get some alone time, I asked her about it, and she said that it was nothing to worry about , just friends. Because of the heads up, I began to notice some things about my wife. She was working out more, dressing nicer, and wearing more provocative undies. Since I rarely saw her after she got home from work, I don't know when she got home , at all. Our kids are all in college so there isn't anybody to say when or if she got home, after work. One thing for sure was that she would call me at first break and we would chat about stuff.
One night, two winters ago, I got sick at work and called her to say I was coming home, early. When I got home, at about 2 am, I noticed her car was still warm because the snow was melting on the hood, so she had just got home from somewhere right before I did. Now, when I called her to tell her I was coming home, she specifically told me she was home, which was clearly a lie. I didn't mention it, but I began to keep my eyes open more. This is really bothering me, so I'll finish it later.
 

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I was married for 25 years, and have two kids. My ex-wife and I had , what I would have termed (until a year ago) a great marriage.
Rookie,
From your use of the term ex-wife and past tense when referring to your marriage, I am guessing that you divorced your wife.

I'll wait till you get a chance to finish your intro story.
 

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Hi, I 've been lurking here for a while , trying to decide if I want to get involved .
My situation is that while I'm getting some good advice from an Individual Counselor, I would also like to get some from other people who have been in my shoes, so to speak.
I was married for 25 years, and have two kids. My ex-wife and I had , what I would have termed (until a year ago) a great marriage. Both my ex-wife and I had good jobs (She is a hospital tech and I'm a shift supervisor in a factory), plus we operated a side business (farm). We were happy, I guess, or at least I was happy, until 2 years ago. My plant began to downsize and I was forced to move to third shift to keep my job. She works evenings, so our together time was at a minimum. She complained , but there wasn't much I could do, without quitting and losing seniority and pension benefits. We began to argue a lot and and that put a further strain on us.
I got a call from one of her co-workers who informed me that she thought my wife was getting too close to another lab tech, named Brad. When we were able to get some alone time, I asked her about it, and she said that it was nothing to worry about , just friends. Because of the heads up, I began to notice some things about my wife. She was working out more, dressing nicer, and wearing more provocative undies. Since I rarely saw her after she got home from work, I don't know when she got home , at all. Our kids are all in college so there isn't anybody to say when or if she got home, after work. One thing for sure was that she would call me at first break and we would chat about stuff.
One night, two winters ago, I got sick at work and called her to say I was coming home, early. When I got home, at about 2 am, I noticed her car was still warm because the snow was melting on the hood, so she had just got home from somewhere right before I did. Now, when I called her to tell her I was coming home, she specifically told me she was home, which was clearly a lie. I didn't mention it, but I began to keep my eyes open more. This is really bothering me, so I'll finish it later.
This is like only watching half a movie and having to wait til tomorrow to see the end...UGH!!!
 

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So you found out that she was in a physical affair and was cheating on you so you divorced her, right?

For me, if my wife's emotional had gone physical there would be no reconciling. It was hard enough dealing with the emotional aspect.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Sorry I'm so late getting back, but I've been busy and it is really , really hard to say what comes next. Later that week, I asked her about it and we had a real bad , knockdown drag out fight about it and she admitted everything. She said that he was a much better lover than me, was younger, more fit and had a bigger "tool", than I did. Now, when we were just married, As a joke, we measured my "tool", and it was 7.5 inches long and really big around, so Brad must be hung like a horse. She left that night and stayed with Brad, for IDK how long, but when she called me later that month, she was living with her parents. She said she wanted to get back together and forget about the past, and work for the future. I refused and we divorced later that year. Since then she has been trying to get me to give her another chance, saying she was lying about the sex being better with Brad, just to anger me and get me to fight for her. I don't beleive anything she says. Our kids want us to reconcile, both sets of parents do as well. In fact it is the main source of conversation when any of us get together. Everybody wants us to reconcile, but me. I talked to some of her co-workers and they say that she bragged about getting "steak" instead of "hamburger", and that a younger man was just what she needed. She says that the affair was partially my fault for not being home more and working night shift. But that in order that there be no "walls ", between us, she will tell me everything that happened and will completely "cut Brad out of her life", forever. IDK what to do about this. I know I can live with her, even though I don't love or trust her, so that everybody in both families will be happy, or I can go my own way and refuse to take her back, and continue as I'm doing now. She has told me that she will prove that she loves me and only wants an opportunity to do so. IDK , can any relationship this bad ever get any better?
 

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There are many people who reconcile post cheating. They can get over the cheating and the betrayal. What I have yet to see is people successfully reconciling when
1. The Wayward Spouse has completely devalued and thrown the BS under the bus
2. When the WW has compared sex and tool sizes and did the things your spouse did
3. When there is at least one person who doesnt want to reconcile.

You meet all three parameters.

If you reconcile now just because of peer / familial pressure, you will soon regret it. You wont love her, you wont enjoy your time with her and she will once again find someone else to go after.

You should tell your parents and family (not the kids-see below) to back off. If they love you they need to do what is good for you and that means backing off on the pressure to R.

The discussion you have with your kids is different. You need to tell them that their mom left you and showed that she never really loved you. In that situation, while you may not want this status, it does not behoove you to get back with someone who doesnt love you and who you cannot love and trust. Let them digest and deal with this. They dont have to like it, they just have to understand it. Also they may want to play cupid, let them, thats how kids are, they want to go back to the old days. BUT make sure you extricate yourself from those cupid-y situations, do it gracefully without losing your cool. Tell them that you would love to meet with them when you can have their undivided attention and when WW is not present. Be straight with them.

In short, dont do anything silly out of peer pressure. You have a right to be happy. Dont short change yourself on it.
 

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Well, my wife had a pretty bad affair.

But she never tried to demean me as man to my face, or anyone else. And if she did, I would rather be dead than trying to reconcile with her.

I think your wife planned on:
Trading you in for a newer model. One that was younger, stronger, more horse power, everything. She thought she had found a 2.0 version of you.
Then she lost it to someone else.
Because if they cheat with you, they'll cheat on you.

Since you are divorced, I would tell you not to.

The complete lack of respect.

She isn't sorry that she destroyed you. She isn't sorry that she trampled your ego into the ground. That she nailed your manhood to a tree. That she shattered your heart. That she did all these horrible things that no man should have to bear.

She is sorry because she isn't going to get what she originally wanted.
So now she wants plan B because plan A fell though.

As for your parents, your kids:
Your parents aren't you. Don't listen to them. They don't know how humilating it must have been for you.

Your kids are in college. They should be able to cope. They will see that infidelity has consequences, and learn to not commit it.
 

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I realized I forgot the most important I should've asked.

What is it that you want?
Do you know at this point?
Or do you want us to discuss the pro's and con's of it all?

Because, this is just an observation:
But sounds like you would take her back just because everyone else is telling you to, and you want to keep the peace. But your heart wouldn't be in it.
You just want to live your life away from her without people telling you what to do.

And if I am correct about the above, here is what you do:
Change your cell phone number, and tell all your relatives. But no one on her side of the family.
Then you tell them all "We will not be getting back together. And you will respect my wishes, because it is not you she cheated on, it is me. So respect my wishes."
And if your family still brings it up, then just walk out of the room. But start enforcing some boundaries if you don't like talking about it.
 

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IF she actually wanted to reconcile Brad would already be cut out of her life.

But obviously she's still banging him on the side in case you stay smart and refuse to take her back.

I would highly recommend you do not take her back, there's no remorse at all, and she's still in contact and likely having sex with the OM - so even though she's divorced from you I still count that as cheating.

So hell no.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
I agree with all you guys are saying. I guess that the way she compared Brad's love making to mine is the most difficult to get over. She says she was just saying that to hurt me , while we were fighting, and to show her co-workers that she was "over me", and was in a better place, but that she soon realized that she had made a huge mistake and that it was me she always loved but I was never around to show her any affection. I wonder how those of you who have been cheated on, ever get over the comparisons, real or immagined between the husband and the lover?. she swears that our sex was always better but that since I went on thirds, we never "did it", as often as we did before, which is true.
 

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IF she actually wanted to reconcile Brad would already be cut out of her life.

Could not agree more


But obviously she's still banging him on the side in case you stay smart and refuse to take her back.

I would highly recommend you do not take her back, there's no remorse at all, and she's still in contact and likely having sex with the OM - so even though she's divorced from you I still count that as cheating.

So hell no.
 

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I agree with all you guys are saying. I guess that the way she compared Brad's love making to mine is the most difficult to get over. She says she was just saying that to hurt me , while we were fighting, and to show her co-workers that she was "over me", and was in a better place, but that she soon realized that she had made a huge mistake and that it was me she always loved but I was never around to show her any affection. I wonder how those of you who have been cheated on, ever get over the comparisons, real or immagined between the husband and the lover?. she swears that our sex was always better but that since I went on thirds, we never "did it", as often as we did before, which is true.
Now I'm really confused. Did you two get divorced one year ago?

And has she been seeing Brad the whole time??
Im lost now
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
IF she actually wanted to reconcile Brad would already be cut out of her life.

But obviously she's still banging him on the side in case you stay smart and refuse to take her back.

I would highly recommend you do not take her back, there's no remorse at all, and she's still in contact and likely having sex with the OM - so even though she's divorced from you I still count that as cheating.

So hell no.
Shaggy, she SAYS that she is the one who broke it off with Brad, not him, and that she has not seen him , outside of work since she went to her parents house. Her Mom says that he would not ever have been welcomed and that she vouches for her daughters words. I don't know how, but that is what she said.
 

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Discussion Starter · #17 ·
By the way, her Mom is a real fine Christian woman and would not lie for her daughter, so she believes what she said.
 

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To answer some of your questions, most relationships can be made better if there are two willing participants that want to make them better. The same goes for reconciliation, it is possible if the people involved are willing to do the hard work that is required of them.

You really need to sit back and think about your own feelings on this matter. I can tell you from personal experience (I was the BS) that reconciliation is very difficult, but very rewarding as well. My wife and I are growing closer with every passing day, and our new marriage is stronger, better, and healthier than the old one ever was. So you need to ask yourself if the history, love, understanding, and companionship you had with our DW is worth putting yourself through some of the hardest stuff you will ever have to face in your life.

Im 90% in favor of trying for R under almost any circumstances. I have one big reservation when it comes to your story. You say that your DW "will" cut brad out of her life if you offer to R, implying that she has not already done so. If this is the case, and brad is still in any way shape or form part of her life, your chances at R are almost non existent. If brad is still part of her life, it is a pretty clear signal that she is most probably still waiting to see where her chips fall, and has no real interest in atoning for destroying your heart, life, and marriage.
 

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But why would you want to take back someone who so willingly and easily betrayed you?

How long did she live with Brad?

I think you'll find that Brad likley cheated on her with someone better and younger, but I'll also bet that they've hooked up since she moved back home.
 

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Shaggy, she SAYS that she is the one who broke it off with Brad, not him, and that she has not seen him , outside of work since she went to her parents house. Her Mom says that he would not ever have been welcomed and that she vouches for her daughters words. I don't know how, but that is what she said.
Time to keep moving on. She had her chance and threw it away. Would you really be happy.
 
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