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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hello all, I'm new to posting but have been browsing the forums for weeks. I am so confused, and I don't know anybody who has been separated or divorced so I have NO idea if what is happening to my marriage is weird/normal or whatever.

Background: my husband and I are both 29 and have two kids, 3 and 10 months. We've been married 6 years, together for 9. Since we are young I have felt like a lot of our issues stem from that, my husband can be a bit immature and selfish. He also is a restaurant manager and so his hours are ridiculous and that has made a HUGE impact on our relationship. We have not really been connected in months. We argue a LOT and I will admit I fight dirty and say nasty things on purpose- I know how awful that is, and I am starting IC to help sort out my issues.
We have the usual problems- lack of sex, he doesn't help around the house so I nag, he gets mad because I'm nagging, we don't really get ANY alone time to just hang out and love each other, we argue a lot etc.

H started a new job a few weeks ago that he is feeling a lot of stress about. He's been a bit more moody than normal and working tons, no days off, and is exhausted. Two nights last week he was gone until 5am "working." (RED FLAG!!!) When he got home he was miserable with me, didn't want to talk to me, avoiding me. (RED FLAG AGAIN!!) This went on for a few days, even though he started coming home at normal hours (normal for him, still midnight or 1am but that IS normal....maybe. Or still sneaky!!).

We finally had a discussion over dinner about what's up with our marriage and he basically said:
-he isn't happy and hasn't been for a while
-he doesn't think we click anymore (I agree)
-he isn't sure he loves me (I've been a bit iffy on this myself)
-he wants some alone time to think things over

I was shocked and not shocked, but really thought we should make an effort to work things out. He initially said he didn't see the point, wouldn't things be great for a while and then resort back to the old patterns....I said I didn't want him to go, he kind of fought me on that and then agreed to stay, but he wanted some space. Once we got things out in the open we had a nice, cheerful discussion about his work, the kids, friends etc. I thought he might be angry about me "begging" him to stay, but he has not been. We have been getting along very well, better than we have in months.

However, we aren't actively working on our marriage. He is still working crazy hours so we don't see each other, and we weren't acting married so I was getting a bit confused....so a few days after that discussion I told him (nicely) that if we aren't taking steps to improve our relationship, we're still essentially just roommates and maybe I was wrong and a bit of separation would be good for us. He thanked me, said I'm his best friend, and that he just "needs some time." That was a week ago. And he has not left.

Things are WONDERFUL between us. He is coming home at fairly reasonable hours, being super cute and flirty with me, we're chatting very happily with each other and laughing and having fun, he's being attentive to the kids. He'd tried to kiss me a few times and I'd stopped him and made a joke about how "aren't you supposed to be moving out?" and he would always say "yes, I will be" but he was making NO plans to leave.

So then here was the big mistake....last night we had sex. He was off yesterday so we'd spent the day together and things just got out of hand. But he stills claims he's leaving. He says he doesn't know what he wants, and I can't say I do either. My choice would be to work things out for the kids, but I can't force him if he doesn't want to stay. He isn't acting like a man desperate to get away from his wife, but then what IS he doing? Last week I was convinced he was having a PA, or an EA at the very least (there is a girl at work that he has been discussing our issues with....) but now I am not sure. If he's having an affair and is into this girl you'd think he'd be dying to leave our house, but he's not.....SO CONFUSED.

Please someone put this into perspective for me. What is he doing? I probably should just let him go, right? I don't know why this feels so complicated.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Thank you, I did look it up and read more about it....the only thing is, I THINK I've actually been doing most of that anyways, this whole time. I had been googling all last weekend after our initial discussion about separating to try and find the right way to approach him, and this seems a lot like what I've already been doing (there's definitely a few things I could do better/more). He's still living in the house, although supposedly he is leaving tonight- although he has packed nothing and made no preparations! So I'm not sure if it's accomplishing anything or accomplishing the right things. I was worried that by being nice and not discussing the separation I was just making it comfy for him to stay home and not make a decision either.

My only real concern is, he says he doesn't know what he wants so he needs to leave.....will he EVER want me and the kids again? It seems like if he gets a taste of the single life he will totally prefer that, no matter how I act. This almost feels like a lost cause but I'm too scared to pull the plug myself. I don't like the feeling of walking away without doing all we could do....our kids are SO young, this just seems so devastating.
 
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