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Discussion Starter #1
I might have to let go. Cut my losses. Stand up. Walk away.

I absolutely want to have a happy marriage and become a mother, raise a family. But I'm starting to lose faith that my husband is the person to do that with.

I need some encouragement--success stories of people, specifically women, who did find "it" a second time, or later in life, and had children. A pep talk, maybe?

I'm a lot of wonderful things: I'm smart, attractive, in great shape, loyal, kind, funny, talented, faithful, insightful...lots of people see those things in me. My husband doesn't seem to. I am better than the way he treats me sometimes.

Thank you. Please be gentle; please, no lectures or judgments. I need some hope that I could leave and eventually remarry and have a family. I'm feeling pretty knocked down at the moment.
 

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You can start a new life. It's not too late at all.

My best friend's first husband cheated on her with many women. They divorced five years after their marriage. Luckily, they didn't have any children. It took her a while to find someone else. But she did. She's now in a great relationship with a man who treats her well. We like him so much more than the first husband. They're much more compatible with each other than she and the first husband. They also have a child together.
 

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I can only tell you my W was 31 when we married, she already had a 9 & 11 yr old from bad 1st marriage. We had twins when she was 37. Just celebrated our 18th anniversary, twins are 12. Is she happy? Hmmmmm. She says yes. Is it perfect? Probably wouldn't be on this site if it was.

Too uplifting for you?:rolleyes:
 

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Oh puh-lease.

We didnt even get married until we were almost 30 and didnt have our first child until I was 39.

Easy peasy. Plenty of time. We are now pushing 50, married 20 years with 2 great kids. It gets better all the time.

Might be a little tricky to find that exact someone that is on the same 'career trajectory' that you are on, but yeah - I see nothing that is even a long shot here.
 

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Honestly, to me it sounds stranger to get married and have kids in your 20's than in your 30's.

For my group of 4 or 5 close friends, I married young. I was 32 when I got married. Most of the rest were probably around 35. All of them are happily married. (I'm happily single again) All of them have at least one kid, some have two--all of them healthy and as adorable as toddlers can be. Most of them got pregnant naturally, the ones that didn't all had other issues going on that would have required fertility treatment regardless of their age.

I think you have the advantage of knowing yourself better, knowing what you do and don't want in a relationship better and can look forward to going into the future with a much stronger foundation than you might have when you were younger. And I personally think that goes a long way toward raising healthy, stable kids when they do come.
 

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Discussion Starter #9 (Edited)
Oh puh-lease.

We didnt even get married until we were almost 30 and didnt have our first child until I was 39.

Easy peasy. Plenty of time. We are now pushing 50, married 20 years with 2 great kids. It gets better all the time.

Might be a little tricky to find that exact someone that is on the same 'career trajectory' that you are on, but yeah - I see nothing that is even a long shot here.
Keep it comin', I really really need it right now.

I have a friend who didn't get married till she was 39, to a wonderful man, and they have two beautiful kids.

Might I add, I'm a "young" 32...in other words, I consistently take care of my body and skin, so physically I might be "younger."

Although...tell that to my eggs :rolleyes:
AND, I wonder if the stress and sleeplessness wrought by this marriage is aging me.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Honestly, to me it sounds stranger to get married and have kids in your 20's than in your 30's.

For my group of 4 or 5 close friends, I married young. I was 32 when I got married. Most of the rest were probably around 35. All of them are happily married. (I'm happily single again) All of them have at least one kid, some have two--all of them healthy and as adorable as toddlers can be. Most of them got pregnant naturally, the ones that didn't all had other issues going on that would have required fertility treatment regardless of their age.

I think you have the advantage of knowing yourself better, knowing what you do and don't want in a relationship better and can look forward to going into the future with a much stronger foundation than you might have when you were younger. And I personally think that goes a long way toward raising healthy, stable kids when they do come.
Thank you.

I'm not single, though. I'm married. Not separated anymore. Came back after 6 months of separation, having gained hope that things would keep improving, and it makes me sick to see it backslide.

So if I leave, I still have hurdles to overcome before I do. I still have to GO THROUGH IT. There's no around, over, or under.

And I don't want to have to leave.
 

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Still in first marriage (long story), but happy now and had 1st when I was 29 and 2nd when I was 34, almost 35. Got my body back, kids are smart as whips and glad I had them later in life. I have more patience and good advice to give them now than I probably would have had if I started 15 years ago. Good luck!
 

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I might have to let go. Cut my losses. Stand up. Walk away.

I absolutely want to have a happy marriage and become a mother, raise a family. But I'm starting to lose faith that my husband is the person to do that with.

I need some encouragement--success stories of people, specifically women, who did find "it" a second time, or later in life, and had children. A pep talk, maybe?

I'm a lot of wonderful things: I'm smart, attractive, in great shape, loyal, kind, funny, talented, faithful, insightful...lots of people see those things in me. My husband doesn't seem to. I am better than the way he treats me sometimes.

Thank you. Please be gentle; please, no lectures or judgments. I need some hope that I could leave and eventually remarry and have a family. I'm feeling pretty knocked down at the moment.
Of course. Don't be shortsighted by being too farsighted is what I say. You are not a fortune teller. You should do what you feel compelled to do spiritually in the present and let the future unfold according to those moments. But this goes for your current marriage as well as any other starting over. You can start over with who you are married to, you can start over on your own, you can start over with another person. There are ends to relationships that need to happen, only you can decide what to do/what needs to be done/what you feel is right and appropriate. If it feels that something needs to end and something needs to start, be open-minded about it. Maybe it's just certain things in your life that need to end, not necessarily a relationship but components of it, maybe there are changes that need to occur, but of perception not of the scenery and the people in it.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
"Don't be shortsighted by being farsighted." I love that.
I made the decision to start fresh with my husband, but he isn't starting fresh with me. I cannot singlehandedly change our relationship, hard as I've tried.
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I don't see why you wouldn't be able to do those things.

But if that's what you want, you better cut the current guy loose. The more time you spend on this one means the more you won't find the next one.

My nephew's grandma B (SIL's side) has been widowed about 13 years now and recently retired, went back to school, has started traveling the world and recently met a guy she is dating. She's about 60.

B's daughter (my SIL) looked at her like she was crazy one day when she told us she couldn't hang with us later cause she was going on a "date."

Ya know what I told her? "Get it, girl!" LOL

:p



********************** | ***************************************** | ***************************************
 

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Discussion Starter #15
It's not what I want. It's what I'll resort to if I feel I have to. If the risks of raising a family with this man outweigh the joys of living with him.

I can't believe that after 6 months of his loneliness and crying and moping and reading books and doing yoga and finding therapy, he's STILL behaving this way.
 

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I had my babies at 34 and 37. Perfect pregnancies, perfect births, easy breastfeeding, body snapped back into shape, no stretch marks. I could have easily had another one at 39 or 40/41/42 (I just turned 40) but my husband only wanted 2.

In terms of other examples, I have lots. None of my friends had babies in their 20s. One friend didn't meet her husband until she was 37, she has three children now. Another very close friend spent most of her 30s with a charming time-waster, finally left him at 37, met someone else at 38, lived with him for a year, didn't work out, met someone else at 40, totally fell in love, has just had her first baby, a gorgeous healthy boy, at 42. No need for fertility treatment or anything. I have another friend who got married at 33 and now has three gorgeous children aged 5, 3 and nearly 1. My best friend from high school hasn't married, but when she got pregnant unexpectedly in a casual-ish relationship when she was 37, she decided to have the baby and raise her as a single parent. The father is somewhat involved, but not in any kind of 50/50 way. Her little girl is 14 months now, and a delight. Another good friend from school left her partner of ten years last year, and had met and married her new husband within six months. I'm expecting a pregnancy announcement any day. She's 40.

I could go on, I've got plenty more, but I'll stop there. Don't let worry about the future make your decision for you. And if your marriage is this much work now, having children will probably destroy it anyway. Children show up all the weak spots, the ones you knew were there and the ones you didn't.

Marriage shouldn't be hard. My husband and I have had plenty of difficulties over our 20+ year relationship, but only for short patches. Mostly it is pretty effortless and brings way more joy than pain.
 

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Of course you can, but I will give you some pragmatic advice :

If you want to have your own kids look into freezing your eggs (mind you, it's not exactly cheap)

(I say that because we just had a fertility doctor come lecture at my med school...and he warned all of us (women) not to keep putting life off for school/career...because that's what most of his clients have done...and now some of them wind up being disappointed entirely...honestly it was seriously depressing...and something I've been thinking about a lot now (I'm in my mid-20s)).

Anyway, Success Stories?

Well, I could offer you the story of my parents:

Both were in their early thirties. Both divorced and childless.

My mom's car broke down in front of my dad's apartment building. (he saw her standing there beside it, looking from his 2nd story window)

And for some reason, (he doesn't even know why), he went downstairs. She was gone by then (off calling a tow-truck)...he looked at the car...it was a mess (she was pretty unhappy, and directionless at the time)

Anyway, she came back...he offered to drive her home...she took him up on his offer.

And they married less than 6 months later.

They were married for 20 years (until her death).

It's funny because, towards the end (not that we knew it then) my mom was really starting to resent my dad...and she'd vent to me pretty much every morning about how "sick"of him she was (this was like my junior/senior year of high school)...and I honestly don't know if they would've stayed married

but then she got sick...

and a few months before she died, we were standing outside alone in the backyard and she started crying and she said "forget every awful thing I've ever said about your father. He's been so wonderful...taking care of me...taking me to the ER...he never makes me feel like I'm a burden"

IDK...I think my parents were two broken people, from very messed up childhoods, that managed to come together and create a very, happy, stable life for my brother and I---seriously, except for those two years and her illness, I really had a happy, carefree home life...and I'm very grateful

And her illness (pancreatic cancer) was really awful, and he was really amazing throughout it.

And if I want to think about it as a full circle...all of this had been set in motion 20 years before...


Also, my mom (who was like 5 yrs older than my dad)...had me at 36/37 and my brother at 40/41....no problems, no fertility treatments or anything...

Honestly, she didn't have that much time to "play with"...but then, she didn't really need it....she just needed her car to break down in front of some random apartment complex in Dallas, TX

Life's funny....

And it's also probably more "giving" than we give it credit for

Be smart, be proactive, but don't be afraid of losing out...what happens is more in your hands than anyone else's anyway

Good Luck
 

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Thank you!

Lyris, I might have to print your reply just because it's such a long list of real people. I mean, I know Angelina Jolie can do it, but I'm not a millionaire.

Question: Health/nutrition/lifestyle-wise, is there anything woman can do to keep themselves fertile and healthy enough to have kids?
 
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