[Gmoyer3292]

I recently found out after seeing my wifes cell phone records that she is having an EA with a truck driver who delivers products to her work place. we have been married 27 years and
no past problems. I have not been very supportive lately or communicating with her. The marriage counselers that I spoke to
said this situation is partially my fault. also she nolonger wears her wedding rings and sex is out of the picture. I confronted her about talking and texting this person several times a week from
her job and after work before she gets home. Her response was defensive and we are just friends. she also refused to stop the
relationship. She said if i could not deal with it to leave. I asked if she wanted a divorce and got no response. She thinks she has blocked me from her cell data but i can monitor it. I have noway to see her texts. She guards her phone 24/7. All i know about this guy is that he is single, has a girfriend and talks to alot of other women beside my wife. I called his cell to confront him and he did not answer. he returned my call got my voice mail and contacted my wife. then we had a big argument over him.
I need advice on this.

 

[underwater2010]

She is having an EA and is deep in the fog. Time for the 180. I will warn you that it takes a long time for the fog to end, but it takes NC to begin.

 

[kenmoore14217]

Inappropiate work place behavior .... hint hint

 

[Almostrecovered]

get rid of the MC for starters, if you must do MC find one that is familiar with the book, "Not Just Friends"

what kind of phone does she have?

 

[AngryandUsed]

She refuses to your stakes in the marriage.
Sit her down and explain to her.
Are you sure it was only EA?

 

[Gmoyer3292]

yes it is inappropiate work behavior and she is not to be using her phone during work time. and he is not to be on his phone driving a commercial vehicle. where do i go from here?

 

[Gmoyer3292]

yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.

 

[Almostrecovered]

yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.

that horsesh!t and instinctually you already know this



you can be the best husband in the world and while she is engaged in her fantasy EA world, she will not come back to the marriage

 

[canttrustu]

yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.

you CANNOT reason with a drug addict! And when a person is in an affair thats essentially what youre dealing with. NO amount of communication i.e NICING her out of this will make the affair stop. The ONLY way to get a foot hold is NC. If she wont do that file and mean it. Sometimes that will jerk a WS into reality. Sometimes you must be prepared to lose the marriage in order to have ANY hope of saving it.

 

[Kallan Pavithran]

yes i beleive at this point it is only a EA? the MC says i must be more communicative in a pos manner and situation will turn around.

Ask your MC to go and *** someone else. Its time for you to find a new MC/IC.

Its timme for you to man up and stand strong for yourself. Show her the door if she cant live within the boundaries of the marriage.

Are you sure its only an EA?

 

[canttrustu]

you CANNOT reason with a drug addict! And when a person is in an affair thats essentially what youre dealing with. NO amount of communication i.e NICING her out of this will make the affair stop. The ONLY way to get a foot hold is NC. If she wont do that file and mean it. Sometimes that will jerk a WS into reality.

You need to read about the 'fog' and the 180 pronto!

 

[The bishop]

GED rid of MC. Not your fault

 

[TDSC60]

Despite what the idiot MC says, you cannot "nice" a wayward wife out of an affair. It is not your fault that she is doing this. ALL marriage have problems at one time or the other. Most problems (other than abuse, alcoholism or drug addiction) can be assigned 50/50 as far as blame goes. But bringing another person into the marriage is 100% the fault of the person doing it.

She has told you deal with it or leave. She has no respect for you and no respect for the marriage.

If you want to save your marriage you have to do the "180" as others have said. But you also have to set a time limit. If after your time limit is reached and nothing has changed, then you need to be ready to set her free (or free yourself from a dead marriage).



Good luck. Oh, and never ever reveal that you have access to her phone.

 

[Gmoyer3292]

what is the fog and 180?

 

[Almostrecovered]

read the newbie link in my signature for term definitions and abbreviations

 

[Gmoyer3292]

Thanks for the advice will read it now.

I am thinking of removing my wedding band? good or bad idea?

 

[Machiavelli]

#1 Save your dough on that MC. She's clueless.

#2 Stop talking about her activities with her. Period. Don't even be drawn into any kind of discussion on any topic at all with her unless she's on her knees washing the floor with her tears and grabbing your ankles. That may yet happen, but it won't be for a while.

#3 See an attorney as soon as possible to find out your options. Don't announce it and don't hide it. If she asks about where you're going or where you've been tell her you're seeing an attorney. If she asks why, tell her you need to know your legal options on moving on with your life. No elaboration and no discussion about what the lawyer says.

#4 Keep monitoring all her actions.

#5 Quit telling her anything about your actions, other than #3, above.

#6 Quit helping out around the house. Take care of your own laundry and meals.

#7 You don't move out under any circumstances. It's okay if she moves out, but if reconciliation is your goal, not aid her moving out in any way.

#8 Start separating the finances. Quit putting dough into the joint account, open up one in your name only. You take over all bill paying.

#9 Put a VAR in her car. Use industrial velcro to attach it to the bottom of her driver's seat springs.

#10 GPS the same car.

Need some more info: ya'lls ages, kids ages, how many kids still at home?

What makes you think they haven't had any physical interaction?

And most important, do you think you want her back? Depending on your answer the above and subsequent advice is subject to change.

 

[CantePe]

yes it is inappropiate work behavior and she is not to be using her phone during work time. and he is not to be on his phone driving a commercial vehicle. where do i go from here?

HR department of her their work. For him, depends on what country you are in. We have MTO (ministry of transportation of Ontario) who govern truckers that can be reported to or the police for talking on a cell while driving. It's a 350 dollar citation for being on a cell phone without an ear piece or hands free set. That includes texting.

 

[Gmoyer3292]

1 adult child age 21 in college, not at home. she is not gone a long enough time to meet with him. he lives 1 hour away from our home.
I am looking to resolve this somehow and avoid divorce.

 

[strugglinghusband]

Gmoyer, do not beg,cry,plead with her because it WONT WORK.like others are telling you there is no way in hell you are going nice her outta this, she already told if you dont like it leave.

Listen to what the others are telling you, you got to stand your ground, be strong even if you feel you cant, you can. following the advice here, will save you time and heartache, you have to get OM out of the picture first before you can work on your marriage.