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Coping with wayward spouse.....

7836 Views 37 Replies 15 Participants Last post by  mahike, 
J
Hi all, Jadiel here. First time post. I recently have come into some marital problems and in my searchign the internet for answers I have discovered this place.

I could write a book on all this, but I'll try to keep it brief. About two weeks ago, I was for some reason overcome with suspicion. I'd had this guy feeling for a while, altho I don't know where it came from, but I finally felt the need to check her phone. Probably a low thign to do, but then I discovered I had a reason to. There was this guy she works with that she was exchanging lots of dirty texts with. It was mostly him sending, and her reciprocating some, but mostly him. Stuff like "I wanna do this to you" and "send me nude pictures" and stuff...

I confronted her, she assured me that while it was inappropriate and she's sorry, she never meant for anything to happen with him, nothing ever did happen and nothing ever would. I believed her.

Then I asked, rhetorically, if there was anything else i needed to know, and that's when she drops the bombshell. A few months ago, at a party, she hooked up with some guy and went all the way. She swears she's sorry and swears she'll never do it again.

But I'm just overcome with a storm of emotions at this point. I have emotional problems anyway, and now I just feel crushed. Some days I'm hurt and sad and I cry a lot. Some days I'm angry and bitter and feel like shouting expletives. Some days I feel like I'm the village idiot.

We had a trusting relationship for a long time. I saw how possessive other guys were with their wives or girlfriends and saw how they were almost encouraging them to cheat by keeping them prisoner. So I always allowed my wife to go out, alone, to see her friends, at the bar or whereever, because I trusted her to do the right thing. I even let her spend the night at a male friends house once because she was too drunk to drive, and I trusted her then.

And then this thing happens. And it wasn't evne that she was drunk. I could possibly get over it easier if she had just passed out on a bed and some guy came in and went for it. But she was flirting with him all night, and actually drove to his house later on in the night to have this fling.

I feel like she chose him over me that night. I'm far from a perfect husband, but I've never cheated on her, and no matter what my mistakes are she is still my wife and she made a promise to me that she wouldn't do this with anyone else but me when we got married. She wiped her butt with our marriage.

Now I don't know if I feel stupid or in love. I don't want to leave her, and in some ways we feel closer than before because we have a whole new appreciation for each other.

We've been having sex quite regularly since I discovered, and even that seems spoiled now. I keep seeing her with him. Every way I touch or kiss her, he's touching and kissing her. And I feel like we're just using sex for the good feelings and to avoid our problems...I don't know if thats healthy or not.

I just want to move on and forget but I can't, and I'm afraid that if she knows how bad it really is for me; all the hurt and anger and betrayal, she'll just give up and leave me.

I don't know what to do. I don't even know what I'm asking, but I just needed someone to talk to who wasn't one of my friends saying "leave her!" or one of her friends who's probably helping cover up some other lie, or at the very least just tell me what I want to hear to make me feel better.

Thank you if you read all that! I appreciate it.
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AngryandUsed
You have rugswept her affair and not able to come to terms with it.
On discovering , you should have done many things like , knowing full truth, say marriage is on probation etc.
Seek the help of your doctor first.
Read the link "newly betrayed" under a member called AlmostRecovered.
How old is hour marriage?
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Jellybeans
Sorry this happened.

It totally sucks.

You have to get rid of your fear of losing her. She should fear losing you, since she is the one who fvcked up.

If you truly want to be with her, tell her she must end all contact with the sexting co-worker, and the guy she had sex with. (Do you know him?) She must be transparent and show you her phone and block their #s and account for where she is and when.

Blind trust is never a good thing which you have learned now (I know, I used to be the same way).

Get tested for STDs (both of you).

If she refuses to end contact wtih these guys, be done with her. Or you could just walk now.

Hard consequences are the only things that work with a cheater.



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G
If you have no children , divorce is the best solution.
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J
Well I don't know about rugswept...We've talked about it as much as we can, but I don't know if there's more to say without it just being "Let me throw this back in your face".

How do I come to terms with it?

We had just celebrated our 4th anniversary when I found out.

And unfortunately, there are two children. One is hers from a previous relationship, and one is ours.
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BookOfJob
AngryandUsed said:
Y
Read the link "newly betrayed" under a member called AlmostRecovered.
Click to expand...
I'm sorry that you're here, Jadiel. I cannot stress enough the importance of the post above. That's your starting point in finding your way from this point.
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Jadiel said:
Well I don't know about rugswept...We've talked about it as much as we can, but I don't know if there's more to say without it just being "Let me throw this back in your face".

How do I come to terms with it?

We had just celebrated our 4th anniversary when I found out.

And unfortunately, there are two children. One is hers from a previous relationship, and one is ours.
Click to expand...
IMO, the first thing you need to do is to realize (both you and she) that you are NEVER going to come to terms with it.

Cheating is a huge betrayal of trust, and once done can never be taken away.

The second thing you need to do is to decide if you can live without being able to come to terms with it, and always feeling the need to check up on her.

As far as preventing someone from cheating by giving them freedom for girl's night out and girl's only vacations.

I, too, feel for that hogwash. I was cheated on and those things used as a cover for it.

But my more possessive friends, who had warned me, BTW, about giving my spouse too much freedom, have never been cheated on.

There are also university studies that show that people who "mate guard" a nicer way of saying possessive and suspicious, are cheated on far less than those who don't.

Cheating is both about lack of integrity as well as opportunity.
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B
So sorry you are here and going though this. Your on a emotional rollercoaster now. Hang in there, You will survive this but to really help you we need a few answers.

When did you discover this, i.e. when was Dday(discovery day)
When did she have the affair?
Have you checked phone records to make sure NC(no cantact) has been established?
Do you have access to her email?

There very well may be more affairs, sorry to say.

If you have emotional problems already, PLEASE make a Dr. appt ASAP...you are going to need some help. While there get tested for STD's.

The sex you are enjoying so much is called "hysterical bonding" very normal. But like angryandused said..you are rugsweeping this, which means your ignoring it, pushing it aside. THIS IS NOT healthy and will backfire. You must address her affair, deal with it, get some more details of it and any others.

You also need counsleing, this is a BIG deal do not rugsweep this.

This will probably get far worse before it gets better. Make that appt.
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BookOfJob said:
I'm sorry that you're here, Jadiel. I cannot stress enough the importance of the post above. That's your starting point in finding your way from this point.
Click to expand...
Thanks for the support guys. I really do want to see my doctor and possibly a counselor.

I wish I could just pick a mood and stick with it. Either be angry enough to leave and be done with it, or love her enough to get past it. Some days I sit there justifying her like it's my fault, because of all the mistakes I've made. Then I get angry, because screw that. We swore solemn vows to each other that basically, to me anyway, said "I will not leave you no matter how much you annoy me sometimes, and I will never, ever do what we do in our bedroom with ANYONE ELSE."


I keep getting hung up on the stupid details too. Was this guy any good? She says no, of course she says that! How far did the texting go? There were no pictures being sent, she says. Maybe there were. Maybe she was doing the whole cybersex thing with him. I dont even know if those things matter.

And I don't know how far to push this. I don't know when to keep it bottled up inside and when to open up and talk to her. The general consensus from a lot of people is that "oooh, the cheater is evil and must pay!" I don't want her to "pay"! And I hate that every time I just want to talk about it I'm opening up her guilt all over again. And she should feel guilty. But not too guilty! Because like I said...I'm afraid if ever sees how bad it really is for me, she'll leave just because I can't get over it. I really want us to be together. Not because its whats best for the kids or the family but because I love her. I really do.
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mrstj4sho88
Sorry you are dealing with this issue. Can you two go to MC it might help?
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J
betrayed1 said:
So sorry you are here and going though this. Your on a emotional rollercoaster now. Hang in there, You will survive this but to really help you we need a few answers.

When did you discover this, i.e. when was Dday(discovery day)
When did she have the affair?
Have you checked phone records to make sure NC(no cantact) has been established?
Do you have access to her email?

There very well may be more affairs, sorry to say.

If you have emotional problems already, PLEASE make a Dr. appt ASAP...you are going to need some help. While there get tested for STD's.

The sex you are enjoying so much is called "hysterical bonding" very normal. But like angryandused said..you are rugsweeping this, which means your ignoring it, pushing it aside. THIS IS NOT healthy and will backfire. You must address her affair, deal with it, get some more details of it and any others.

You also need counsleing, this is a BIG deal do not rugsweep this.

This will probably get far worse before it gets better. Make that appt.
Click to expand...
DDay = September 28th of this year.
The affair was a few months before that. 2-3?
I have access to her phone, e-mail and facebook. I routinely check all 3, but so far there's been nothing else. No contact with the cheatee, no contact outside of work with the text-guy. I told her she has to fire him, which she can't really, but she's no longer working with him on shift.

I do need a counselor...I know that. I guess being already emotionally damaged the way I am...I have no idea how not to rugsweep this. I don't know the right way to handle it. I don't know if its right for me to call her names, or sit there every night when she gets home from work and cry with her, or go have a revenge affair, or go beat the crap out of this guy, or what. Part of me feels like I should just get over this.

Here's the kicker that I left off: When we first met, back in 03, it was instant chemistry. We were both with other people though, albeit miserably. I got a divorce, and she stayed with her guy (kids father), and then we started seeing each other on the side. Should've been a red flag.

Especially when, after she broke it off to get back with kids father, a year later the split up, she got with another new guy, then also was seeing me on the side again. You'd think I'd learn?

Then we were together for one year, and got married. Have been for 4 years. I always thought everything was fine, except were growing apart a tiny bit. The occasional night of her going out with her friends and me playing Warcraft became a regular thing. She was going out thursday, friday, saturday, and i was playing WoW all night. But we never fought, there never seemed to be any problems beyond your typical marital annoyances. Cap off the toothpaste and stuff like that.

I feel like such a moron.
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Jellybeans
You may not want her to "pay" but realize, there must be consequences for her actions, if not, then you are telling her you are just fine with what she did.

And you're not. And you are justified in that feeling.

Has she been remorseful? How is she acting now? Do you know the guy she slept with? Has she offered to delete/block contact with theswe men?

If she leaves because you "cannot get over it" then she is doing you a favor. She messed up, so she needs to fix what she broke. You are not responsible for her cheating. She is. You own what YOU have done, not what she's done. Make that clear to her.

And your emotions being all over the place are completely normal. I think you shoudl tell her what's onyour mind, just not any of that "Don't leaaave me" cause it's NOT attractive. A man who respects himself would never do that.



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Jellybeans
Jadiel said:
Here's the kicker that I left off: When we first met, back in 03, it was instant chemistry. We were both with other people though, albeit miserably. I got a divorce, and she stayed with her guy (kids father), and then we started seeing each other on the side. Should've been a red flag.

Especially when, after she broke it off to get back with kids father, a year later the split up, she got with another new guy, then also was seeing me on the side again. You'd think I'd learn?

She was going out thursday, friday, saturday, and i was playing WoW all night.
Click to expand...
Ouch. Yeah. She's a serial cheater. Sorry to say but that is the worst kind.



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Jellybeans said:
You may not want her to "pay" but realize, there must be consequences for her actions, if not, then you are telling her you are just fine with what she did.

And you're not. And you are justified in that feeling.

Has she been remorseful? How is she acting now? Do you know the guy she slept with? Has she offered to delete/block contact with theswe men?

If she leaves because you "cannot get over it" then she is doing you a favor. She messed up, so she needs to fix what she broke. You are not responsible for her cheating. She is. You own what YOU have done, not what she's done. Make that clear to her.

And your emotions being all over the place are completely normal. I think you shoudl tell her what's onyour mind, just not any of that "Don't leaaave me" cause it's NOT attractive. A man who respects himself would never do that.
Click to expand...
She seems genuinely remorseful. I've interrogated as much I can and she swears there was never anything else. She says guys always hit on her at the bar and she ALWAYS turns them down.

She knows this guy. He's the lead singer of a local band. He's "super cool" and all that. They're nt really good friends, just mutual acquaintances.

This guy has slept with like every girl I know, including about half my exes now. I dunno whats up. Part of me feels like I'm in good company! Honestly its a major blow to my self esteem. This guy is smart, I'm really not. This guy is "hot and sexy". She insists I am too, but I know I'm not. He looks like I want to look. He does what I want to do for a living, better than I ever good in my wildest dreams. He acts the way I wish I could act around pretty girls.

She says it was nothing against me and she wasn't looking for something she couldn't get at home, but it seems almost obvious that she was. He's all the things I think she wishes I could be.

And now I just don't know anything though. My heart tells me she really does love me and she just made a mistake, because I contributed to putting her in that position. My heart tells me she is being truthful. My brain says screw that.

But I still wonder...it was common for her on a bar night to be out until 2-3 am, bars close at 1. Because she was giving someone a ride home or hanging out with someone. And she always told me! "Sorry I'm late but Scott needed a ride home, and it's like 30 miles away." Now I wonder what else Scott got besides a ride home. And of course, if something did happen, why the heck did she even tell me she was with Scott, and not Mandy or Susan or something.

Well, in any case, I've left a message with the doctor, hopefully they call back soon. I want to see my regular doc as well as a counselor. Councilor? I don't know.
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M
I am sorry you are here but you need to stop trying to sweep this under the rug. What she has done is a big violation of trust and I doubt that you have the whole story. When they are caught and confess they only confess to what they thnk they have to get by telling you.

You need to talk this out and in MC. As far as sex goes I am sure she told you they had proteted sex. First of all most A hook ups are bareback. Second how can you trust anything she tells you right now. The two of you need to be checked for STD's and the results, written results or straight from the DR's mouth to your ears needs to be given.

As far as your emotions that is so normal as well as the mind movies. MC will help. Has she given you access to her email accounts, FB, Cell Phone?

As far as the guy at work well she has had at least an EA with her and he either needs to leave the company or your wife has to and right now.

Your wife will not stop having EA's and maybe even PA's unless she thinks she risks losing you.

Read up on the 180 right away
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J
mahike said:
Read up on the 180 right away
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I'm sorry I don't know what that means....
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M
By the way you need to look for new email accounts, when caught it usually goes deeper before it stops. Get a keylogger for the home computer.

By the way why does your wife go to bars without you? That has to stop today!
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J
mahike said:
By the way you need to look for new email accounts, when caught it usually goes deeper before it stops. Get a keylogger for the home computer.

By the way why does your wife go to bars without you? That has to stop today!
Click to expand...
Because I trusted her, and I'm not much of a barfly. I honestly never thought there would be something wrong with it. I believed that if I trusted her, as she's trusted me on my boy's nights out, that she would make the same decisions I did. As in "No, I'm married. See the ring?"

I guess I didn't see the trap we were falling into.
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J
Sorry for spamming all these random messages...I think in retrospect I have been too "easy" on her. I've even been keeping up with the constant sex because I feel like if I don't satisfy her she'll go elsewhere.

Maybe I need her to prove her love to me again. Prove that she won't go get it when she's not getting it at home. Prove she won't start in with the dirty texts when she's not getting them from me. Prove she's willing to do whatever it takes, including comforting me each and every night that I feel like crying into her shirt because she hurt me so badly....

On the other hand, I read that like 80% of couples cheat, and I know she's a cheater, so what do I honestly even have to be upset about? I might as well be upset to discover that, hey, smoking cigarettes causes lung cancer!

Edit: She hardly ever uses the computer, and isn't nearly saavy enough to hide anything from me on it. I'm by no means a wizard, but I know my way around. The only problem I sometimes have is accessing her phone...I could just ask her for it, but if she KNOWS i'm constantly checking it then she'd just cover her tracks better.

I don't even think she'll do this again. But part of me is wanting to discover some text between her and a friend that's like "I told finally told him." "Dd you tell him EVERYTHING?" "Well no...."

It's hard. Anything positive I find could just be a lie, so like the only real prove is more negativity.
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T
So she has cheated in every relationship she has been in. She is a serial cheater. And you were the cheater in your first marriage. I don't see this ending well.

Studies show that the odds of two cheater living happily ever after are about 3%.

You spending 3 nights a week glued to a computer screen while she is out partying alone with other guys is a perfect set up for ONSs and longer affairs. You both were spending almost half of your free time with other people anyway. You might have thought it was a good marriage but it is definitely not a healthy marriage.

You both need extensive counseling and STD tests.
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