Talk About Marriage banner

Who were you in the affair ?

  • Betrayed Spouse Emotional Affair (Reconciliation)

    Votes: 14 20.9%
  • Betrayed Spouse Physical Affair (Reconciliation)

    Votes: 19 28.4%
  • Betrayed Spouse Emotional Affair (Seperation)

    Votes: 5 7.5%
  • Betrayed Spouse Physical Affair (Seperation)

    Votes: 16 23.9%
  • Wayward Spouse Emotional Affair (Reconciliation)

    Votes: 5 7.5%
  • Wayward Spouse Physical Affair (Reconciliation)

    Votes: 4 6.0%
  • Wayward Spouse Emotional Affair (Seperation)

    Votes: 1 1.5%
  • Wayward Spouse Physical Affair (Seperation)

    Votes: 1 1.5%
  • Affair partner Emotional Affair

    Votes: 0 0.0%
  • Affair Partner Physical Affair

    Votes: 2 3.0%
Status
Not open for further replies.
21 - 39 of 39 Posts

·
Banned
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter #21
Reconcilied. Close to three years after I busted my wife's 5 months full blown romantic, sexual, marriage killer affair.
Hi Acabado. I'm not familiar with your story. You are among the ones that helped but didn't get to read their stories.
Did the pain lessen with time ? Do you still get angry at your wife for what happened ? What made you stick with her ?

Hi...it's Dig. I'm 44 and Regret is 42. We're working on reconciliation after her 5 year long PA.

It ain't f'ng easy, but then again life can be tough. I woke up on the correct side of the dirt this morning. Hoping to do the same tomorrow.
Hi Dig, I read your threads and seen your exchange with Regret. I really hope you continue on your healing process.
I can only imagine how reconcilation is difficult. But it seems to me tha you're on the good path.

BP, fiance was in an EA. I'm so glad I found this message board. I didn't know asking to see e-mails, text messages and so on is not too much to ask for when reconciling.

I'm glad that we had this crisis sooner and before marriage than later and after marriage.

I felt that my exH had carried on inappropriately with several women, he was extremely callous towards me about it. He then checked out of the marriage and had an exit affair.

So now I feel like I am on a mission. I am so annoyed by women who is insist on remaining friends with ex's whether of the long term or fly by night kind. And I am annoyed by men who go along with it and think it's cool.

As I mentioned before, I'm on another relationship message board. I noticed one poster a few years ago who said that he had femal friends and if his wife/ the mother of his child did not get along with them, that would be a dealbreaker. This year on the board, he announced that he was getting a divorce. I pm'ed him to ask him if my memory was correct and was that the reason he was getting a divorce. And he wrote back, saying yes that was correct.

This does not bode will for family life.
I changed my whole idea of opposite sex friends while being in this forum. I was very outgoing with married women before and didn't think more of it.
Honestly, I occasionally had some sexual thoughts about them, but that's all they were. I just put it under the raw human subconscious mechanism but now I'm doubting my reasoning more than ever. I certainly won't be as comfortable with my partner having male friends as I was before.
Mankind suck but individuals can be great. That was my motto. Now, I'm not sure anymore.

Exit affairs are just the lowest level a human being can crawl into. You couldn't be more of an as*h*ole than that.
Is he the same person that had an emotional affair before marriage ? And how did you know about it ? Did you bust him or did he come clean?

I will answer your questions in order best I can. The other guy was more than happy to climb on top of me and do his business. Most people don't understand why I didn't say anything. I was in shock and hurt for one. There were so many things going through my mind at that time. One was I was worried about making a scene. We were staying at their house and we were 2 hours from home. I was hurt and I just laid there like a dead starfish and turned my head and tried not to look at what my husband was doing. Which wasn't easy because the OM kept turning my head and saying stuff about what my husband was doing because I guess he thought it was hot.

Husband apologized and showed remorse as soon as the next day. I kind of avoided the subject for a couple weeks. Then when I tried to sit down and talk about it he got angry and acted like he was the "most" hurt I guess. This angered me tremendously. When my affection for him waned then he decided that maybe he needed to talk but then I didn't. This was like 2 or 3 months later. He has suggested counseling. I have heard too many quack stories about them.

Keeping him sexually satisfied had always been very important to me. And being the one and only since we met and feeling like I fully satisfied his needs made me feel superior and that feeling is what fed my passion for him. He killed that that night. And to make it worse it's like a movie that replays over and over. Sometimes it's when we have sex and sometimes it's just random times when I am watching tv. But it's there and I can't make it go away.
I think you should try therapy for yourself. You're carrying a lot of burden.
I understand what you mean but feeling superior by pleasing your husband. I learned the hard way that bending over backward to someone would only make him take you for granted. Sad but true.

I mean no disrespect for your husband, but he really should eat s*** for what he's put you through. And I didn't even know that the other man used you.

Don't get me started on the movie replays. And again, I wasn't there. I went to see the other man on facebook and saw a picture of him in a swimsuit. Very out of shape and hairy dude. I spent so many nights begging my brain to stop bringing mental pictures of him with my ex wife. Just the thought that I was trying to touch her skin after she had her stand sickens me.

But, I honestly think you should start therapy because it's obviously consuming you. You're done way more than enough to expect the utmost respect and efforts.

Betrayed wife here, 34 years old married 9.5 years, together for 14 years. 3 kids 9,7, and 4 years old. He was not happy and not getting his needs meet. She paid attention to him.

Reconciling with husband, for 7 months. DDay 3/1/12.
Was it a physical affair ? And how long did it last ?
Not getting his needs met is just an excuse. You're his wife, not his servant. It's his job to make you want to meet his needs but I'm sure you're aware about all of that.
How the reconciliation is going ?
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,439 Posts
Racer, 45 betrayed husband. Married 17 years, known each other since grade school. Lets see... I guess you can say I’m a secondary survivor (google it). Wife triggered an old trauma when we had a child molested and another handicapped; She couldn’t place ‘why’ or come to terms with it and blamed me. Then spent the next eight years abusing/using me to ‘get me back’ for this ‘wrong’ in her life. The confessed body count is 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 2 EA’s, and 3 groping/kissing scenarios including one OW. Multiple DD’s, a year and half of trickle truth. Suicide threats. False R about 6 months in. At the 18 month mark, she stopped talking... I believe there are more bodies and she’s protecting the married ones. I’m a hostage of sorts.

3 years into the R. We did the MC, IC thing. I’m just learning to deal with her as she is; broken and messed up (even more so by her adultery). Oddly, I can/have found my happy place during my journey. Sad, but not resentful.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
854 Posts
Hasn't been big changes for me in counseling. I have only been to 2 sessions with my IC and 2 at the women's shelter for support group. My IC cancelled a time before and today for not feeling well. I don't go back until the 24th.... not real happy having to wait that long, but I will go to my support group tomorrow evening as it's every Thursday from 6-7:30.

Our 10 years won't be until Aug. 2nd next year.... some say I should wait because it will help with spousal support and to be eligible for his Social security, (yet if I remarry, I wouldn't be eligible for it anyway),, so not sure if I should just D, with MY wants of support from him, not what he is offering.

I think you had an awesome idea with one thread for people to give a briefing of their situations, and introduce themselves..
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
317 Posts
PA, 2x sex and almost everything they saw each other BJ.
It's hard at times. At times I feel like I should not be so happy, I get triggers from time to time. We both go to IC 1x a month it seems to help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,287 Posts
Hi Maricha. How long is the reconciliation ? What made them stop ?
Did you feel the reconciliation taking its effect ?
Mine ended in November/December of last year. I found out about his the end of March this year, by accident. By that time, I was out of my fog and knew, without a doubt, that my husband was the man I wanted to be with. Some will roll their eyes at this, but there were a lot of people praying for my marriage.... my sisters, my parents, and even some of my friends. It wasn't until mid-March that I knew without a doubt, though. And, I started turning around. Then I stumbled upon his by accident and I felt sick. Yes, I know, I had done the same thing. Doesn't change how it made me feel.

Mine, basically, fizzled out. His was discovered and I did all the wrong things in those first couple days (as I learned here on TAM). I, at first, allowed them to speak. The day I knew I couldn't handle them speaking anymore was the day I, after being told by him that I could read his texts anytime, tried to take his cell and he attempted to prevent me from reading. All I said was "that tells me all I need to know. You are hiding something that you don't want me to read." He let me read it, I was right. I think I allowed one more day and then I told him, "no more. her or me." And he chose me. The b!tch tried to say I was being selfish and insecure, etc. But we deleted her from our contacts on everything and blocked her wherever we could.

We are doing better now. We make time for each other, unlike before. Some things still need work, but others have drastically improved.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,940 Posts
Hi Torrivien, my story is, the moment I got the evidence I called MOM'sBE and him and he vanished in the smoke and threw her under the bus. My wife was devastated, totally broken, She was madly in love with this man. I had to confort her for a while and then started to take care of my children, who were already neglected for a while and myself. While crushed to the core I didn't have the time to console her anymore. I started to detach, contacted a lawyer and planned our separated lives. About three months after DDay I was about to file, she was mostly resigned but I nocited she was coming around. At that point I had nothing more to loose so I heard her, I watched from distance; I asked. She slowly came back to herself. Beyond the first few weeks I become a zombie, was numb. A few months ahead I decided to give her a chance, then the real rollercoaster begun.
She did her work, on herslef, on me. I put also my share. Things imporved slowly. The second year was the worse actualy. I'm mostly happy, not angry anymore. I started reading material a couple of months after DDay; I decided that without rusgsweeeping I didn't need to borrow trouble putting a deadline on the recovery.
My marriage has changed, I can't forget what happened but I'm not in pain anymore. **** happens. My wife knows I can be happy without her and she can't afford to cross any boundaire. She's more now the giver and me the taker, the opposite if the marriage preA.

As I said earlier I'm happy, we are fine.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
16,584 Posts
STBXW got herself a "two-for-one" deal with her OMen. One was a definite EA/PA; the other was definitely an EA, which may well have escalated to PA status.

Separation: May, 2011; Divorce Filed: November, 2011
Still Awaiting Final Decree of Divorce
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
644 Posts
In a nutshell...
Decimated here. 49 years old, Second marriage, married 15 years, 3 children. STBXW 41, POSOM married 42.
First marriage, no children, cheated on me after 1 1/2 years of marriage. I divorced her immediately...22 years ago.

STBXW started EA 6/09. First D day 9/09...school friend, cell bill, admitted friendship only. I gave her the first ultimatum...talk to him again and I will divorce you. She begged me to stay...I did.

Second D day 12/10...Facebook. She admitted continued friendship only (same OM) I got the "I'm not Haaaaappy" speech. A gave another ultimatum...talk to him again and I will divorce you. She said she didn't want to D.

Put GPS tracker in car to confirm and got into her phone and read messages...still in contact and within a week tracked her to a hotel. Still denied PA...EA only, claimed it was over, but was ambivalent about us. I talked to a lawyer. She wanted to save our marriage but was doing nothing...I stupidly agreed.

4/11 contacted OM's wife. She sent me thousands of messages from OM's computer between OM and STBXW...confirmed PA...over a year. Wife claimed it was over and wanted to save our marriage...still doing nothing to gain trust...no remorse....I stupidly agreed again.

Like an idiot I stayed and tried to work on our marriage for almost a year. Again...she did nothing. Could not confirm if she is still in contact with OM...honestly, I don't care anymore. She was never transparent, open, honest, no passwords removed...unbelievable! She has become a total selfish, stubborn, emotional disaster. I filed for Divorce 3/12.

Still living together. I should be final in about a month or two. Her lawyer keeps dragging her feet. I think STBXW is compartmentalizing or in denial. She is really messed up from all of this.

I should add that I was devastated by what she did...still am. I always thought I was a good, honest, faithful, attentive, and loving husband and we had a good marriage. She never told me otherwise even after years of talking and asking. She would tell me how lucky she felt and how much she loved me. Her downward spiral started after her parents passed away. Only after D Day #2 did she begin to express any unhappiness in our marriage...fog?

Also...late breaking news. STBXW's OBGYN just informed her that she needs to have a Hysterectomy and scheduled it for early next month. Abnormal, highly aggressive per-cancerous cells...Wow. I wonder what could cause this...or where she got it. Sad sarcasm.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
970 Posts
Hi...it's Dig. I'm 44 and Regret is 42. We're working on reconciliation after her 5 year long PA.

It ain't f'ng easy, but then again life can be tough. I woke up on the correct side of the dirt this morning. Hoping to do the same tomorrow.
I don't imagine it would be, considering you have to reconcile with the 5 years of her leading a double life and the false image you had of her.

Brave men, willing to take on the punishment. *salute*
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
2,234 Posts
I don't imagine it would be, considering you have to reconcile with the 5 years of her leading a double life and the false image you had of her.

Brave men, willing to take on the punishment. *salute*
Thank you Bjorn. That really means a lot to me.


EDIT: For those that don't know...Dday was March 6 when I uncovered her affair and confronted her immediately.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,882 Posts
I will answer your questions in order best I can. The other guy was more than happy to climb on top of me and do his business. Most people don't understand why I didn't say anything. I was in shock and hurt for one. There were so many things going through my mind at that time. One was I was worried about making a scene. We were staying at their house and we were 2 hours from home. I was hurt and I just laid there like a dead starfish and turned my head and tried not to look at what my husband was doing. Which wasn't easy because the OM kept turning my head and saying stuff about what my husband was doing because I guess he thought it was hot.

Husband apologized and showed remorse as soon as the next day. I kind of avoided the subject for a couple weeks. Then when I tried to sit down and talk about it he got angry and acted like he was the "most" hurt I guess. This angered me tremendously. When my affection for him waned then he decided that maybe he needed to talk but then I didn't. This was like 2 or 3 months later. He has suggested counseling. I have heard too many quack stories about them.

Keeping him sexually satisfied had always been very important to me. And being the one and only since we met and feeling like I fully satisfied his needs made me feel superior and that feeling is what fed my passion for him. He killed that that night. And to make it worse it's like a movie that replays over and over. Sometimes it's when we have sex and sometimes it's just random times when I am watching tv. But it's there and I can't make it go away.
Damn.
 
  • Like
Reactions: MattMatt

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,714 Posts
****Is he the same person that had an emotional affair before marriage ? And how did you know about it ? Did you bust him or did he come clean?****

Torrvvien, my exH and my fiance are 2 different people, 10 years apart.

My experience from my (failed) marriage made me sensitive to the problems caused by these chummy liaisons.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,005 Posts
I'm sorry you're in that place.
What do you mean by she can't get it ? You mean she's rationalizing it ? She can't feel that she's to blame about it ?
It's unfortunate to live that way. Did you make it stop or did it stop by itself ?
Well, she is still projecting guilt on me and OM. Don't want to work on own issues and doesn't posses empathy enough to understand the full impact on me and our relationship. Guilt ridden and low self esteem is the most optimistic assesment of the situation - alternative is that she is just plain evil and/or has checked out.

She doesn't flirt with other males anymore, she is very loving to be with, sex is good, but she shuts down whenever the talk is about relationship issues.

Whatever she might be thinking, feeling and planning and doing, I think I gain and win by improving myself. I will be prepared whatever comes my way.

I busted the affair by accident - she completely compartmentalized it.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
441 Posts
I am 37 my STDXH had and emotional and physical affair with a co-worker for several months (who knows). D-day was Decemeber 21, been separated since then, divorce filled but on hold as begged by him. He did the whole theatrics on remors twice before (do not believe a word he says). No idea what will happen, I have gone numb.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
34 Posts
Did he meet her after agreeing to the no contact ? I hope I'm wrong but if they're still meeting then it means that there's still something going on.
If you still want to reconcile you should demand more efforts from your husband's part.
Torrivien, Yes, it was after NC was done. Only I don't know if it can happen as they work together. He says he avoids her as best he can while there.
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter #38
I am 37 my STDXH had and emotional and physical affair with a co-worker for several months (who knows). D-day was Decemeber 21, been separated since then, divorce filled but on hold as begged by him. He did the whole theatrics on remors twice before (do not believe a word he says). No idea what will happen, I have gone numb.
Did the theatrics happen because of other reasons than cheating ? Does he show signs of repentance ?

Well, she is still projecting guilt on me and OM. Don't want to work on own issues and doesn't posses empathy enough to understand the full impact on me and our relationship. Guilt ridden and low self esteem is the most optimistic assesment of the situation - alternative is that she is just plain evil and/or has checked out.

She doesn't flirt with other males anymore, she is very loving to be with, sex is good, but she shuts down whenever the talk is about relationship issues.

Whatever she might be thinking, feeling and planning and doing, I think I gain and win by improving myself. I will be prepared whatever comes my way.

I busted the affair by accident - she completely compartmentalized it.
You're really in a tough spot. If you're comfortable with the way your relationship is going, then it's good.
Some people are afraid to show their guilt or regret as they think it's weakness, some are just not wired to feel guilt nor regret.
I see the common factor in all situations similar to yours is the children. How do you manage that they are not affected but what happened between you two ? And how well is the communication lines between you and your children ?

****Is he the same person that had an emotional affair before marriage ? And how did you know about it ? Did you bust him or did he come clean?****

Torrvvien, my exH and my fiance are 2 different people, 10 years apart.

My experience from my (failed) marriage made me sensitive to the problems caused by these chummy liaisons.
I hear you.
How long since you get your divorce ? Did you manage to date afterwards ?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
0 Posts
Discussion Starter #39
Racer, 45 betrayed husband. Married 17 years, known each other since grade school. Lets see... I guess you can say I’m a secondary survivor (google it). Wife triggered an old trauma when we had a child molested and another handicapped; She couldn’t place ‘why’ or come to terms with it and blamed me. Then spent the next eight years abusing/using me to ‘get me back’ for this ‘wrong’ in her life. The confessed body count is 1 LTPA, 1 PA, 2 EA’s, and 3 groping/kissing scenarios including one OW. Multiple DD’s, a year and half of trickle truth. Suicide threats. False R about 6 months in. At the 18 month mark, she stopped talking... I believe there are more bodies and she’s protecting the married ones. I’m a hostage of sorts.

3 years into the R. We did the MC, IC thing. I’m just learning to deal with her as she is; broken and messed up (even more so by her adultery). Oddly, I can/have found my happy place during my journey. Sad, but not resentful.
Hi Racer, I went to read the rest of your threads that I didn't read already and I'm sorry, dude, I really don't have any comment. Your situation is so complex, and the dynamics between you and your wife is way beyond my unprofessional ability to give advice.

Hasn't been big changes for me in counseling. I have only been to 2 sessions with my IC and 2 at the women's shelter for support group. My IC cancelled a time before and today for not feeling well. I don't go back until the 24th.... not real happy having to wait that long, but I will go to my support group tomorrow evening as it's every Thursday from 6-7:30.

Our 10 years won't be until Aug. 2nd next year.... some say I should wait because it will help with spousal support and to be eligible for his Social security, (yet if I remarry, I wouldn't be eligible for it anyway),, so not sure if I should just D, with MY wants of support from him, not what he is offering.

I think you had an awesome idea with one thread for people to give a briefing of their situations, and introduce themselves..
Hang in there, Numb.
I remember that your husband is quite abusive to you so I understand how waiting until the 10 years threshold may be difficult.
You have all the time to think about the best decision for you. Be strong and be safe.
 
21 - 39 of 39 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top