Coping with infidelity poll.

I am 46, wife through 26 years had a 9 months PA with a parent to one of my kids friends.

19 months out, good days and very bad days as well (this being one of them).

I have realized now, that I can't make my wife change and can't make her "get it". She just wants to forget all about it now. Think that she thinks it should be over by now.

I have chosen to follow a road towards acceptance, everything being what it is, accepting my wife as she turned out to be. I know that there is a good chance of repetition of the infidelity, or that she may know inside of her that our relationship is going to end as soon as the kids have grown up.

But I concentrate on creating a much better version of myself, physically and mentally - I have learned so much from all this infidelity cr*p - maybe I will even write a book some day:-/
Making myself better is giving me the strength to go through this and end up with or without her some day.

In my posts I always try to have focus on OP's own self, make them aware of the gift of self improvement.

HopelesslyJaded said:

Hopelessly Jaded 33, Husband was jealous because I had a threesome when I was single. He moped around acting "left out" of the club for almost a year. I got tired of it. Did the threesome twice. (MFM) Told him I was not ok sharing him. Started having sex in the same room with other couples for the voyeur/exhibitionism effect. I actually enjoyed this until one night he decided to take it to the next level, got off me and started banging someone else. Status: Dealing

Can't check...technically not an affair

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Reading about it in the other thread triggered my own anger. I think I would have killed him or threw up on both of them. And how was the other guy okay with it ?
How do you deal with it ? You can't let it lay inside you as the pain will never cease until it takes away a part of you.
Did you consider counseling ? Are you in one ? Did he show remorse afterwards ?

CantePe said:

14+ yr marriage. He had a 2 yr ea online facebook game is where it started. Nude pics, video, sexting, webcam, skyping, texting. 3D chat game, yahoo messenger.

We have 5 kids (now 12 and under). Jan 12 2011 will forever be a painful reminder of d - day. Lots of tt... easter 2011 was worse than Jan 2011 as that is when i discovered the pics and video. That was worse than discovering the ea.

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Did he redeem himself after you busted him ?
How they managed to keep an emotional affair going that long ? Is it because of distance ? Were she also married ? Were they planning on meeting ?

cpacan said:

I am 46, wife through 26 years had a 9 months PA with a parent to one of my kids friends.

19 months out, good days and very bad days as well (this being one of them).

I have realized now, that I can't make my wife change and can't make her "get it". She just wants to forget all about it now. Think that she thinks it should be over by now.

I have chosen to follow a road towards acceptance, everything being what it is, accepting my wife as she turned out to be. I know that there is a good chance of repetition of the infidelity, or that she may know inside of her that our relationship is going to end as soon as the kids have grown up.

But I concentrate on creating a much better version of myself, physically and mentally - I have learned so much from all this infidelity cr*p - maybe I will even write a book some day:-/
Making myself better is giving me the strength to go through this and end up with or without her some day.

In my posts I always try to have focus on OP's own self, make them aware of the gift of self improvement.

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I'm sorry you're in that place.
What do you mean by she can't get it ? You mean she's rationalizing it ? She can't feel that she's to blame about it ?
It's unfortunate to live that way. Did you make it stop or did it stop by itself ?

Chris989 said:

I am 43, married 22 years. Wife had 2 1/2 yr PA and realistically an EA for at least 2 years before that (with a co worker). 2 kids age 15 and 10. Dday 2 18th May (1 was 11th March).

Divorce filed but on hold.

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Chris, you've been one of the most helpful members in TAM. Can never thank you enough for that.
How do you feel about the divorce being on hold ?

Numb in Ohio said:

I am 42, married 9 years. My first M, H's 3rd.

H was found having 2 EA's. One being his ex hs gf, and that he has been "talking" to her our entire marriage. If it was physical, I have no proof , but wouldn't be surprised. Dday 1 was Sep 22 2011, Dday 2 was Nov. 24th 2011

He had a past with both women, he had an affair with at least one of them on his previous wife (among a couple other women also).

I go weekly to a women's shelter for a support group for his emotional/verbal/financial/controlling/monitoring/sexual abuse.

I am wanting to D, but trying to decide if it's worth the wait till the 10 years because of benefits.

We have no kids together, I have 2 my D is 23 (mother of my 5 year old grand daughter), and my S is 19 ( he's in the Army Reserves). --Not deployed.

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Hi Numb, glad to meet you on a thread again.
I'm following your thread in counseling section. Mine is in hold as there isn't really noteworthy change but I'm still meeting with my counselor.
How much time is there left to reach the ten year milestone ? What benefits will a 10 year divorce would bring ?

ohsoalone said:

Hi...I'm 42 and so is my H. We have a 17 and 14 yr old boys. My H had an EA. I found out 6/13/2012 that was dday 1 - Just this past wked I seen them together when I went to my H's work so I guess that would be dday 2. So we are struggling with R as of right now.

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Did he meet her after agreeing to the no contact ? I hope I'm wrong but if they're still meeting then it means that there's still something going on.
If you still want to reconcile you should demand more efforts from your husband's part.

Miss Taken said:

I’m 26, he’s 34. 9+ years common-law with 2 kids. D-Day was in mid-August, when I was over eight months pregnant with our second child. He'd been pursuing intimate encounters on several dating sites, admitted to at least one emotional affair, and (in my unprofessional opinion) was addicted to – not just a casual user of porn (I knew he watched some porn but he hid his dozens of DVDs, 350 GBs and counting on a secret Hard-Drive, and paid subscriptions to live cams).

I selected “emotional affair” but I have some evidence pointing towards physical affair(s) as well - though he'd never admit to it. We've been separated since August and I don't intend to reconcile because his behavior post D-Day hasn't warranted it.

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I remember the dark days where we hanged around our infidelity threads. Your situation is among the hardest I've seen in this forum. Very amazed of how you deal with it.
I can't believe he still doesn't show the remorse he should be showing. But it's good thing that you're advanced in the detachement process.

MattMatt said:

I needed a multiple choice questionnaire... I think I could have ticked three of them.

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Hi MattMatt, along with Chris, MissTaken, Numb and so many others you've been of tremendous help to clarify things.
I wish you wouldn't have acted on your desire to get revenge, but what is done is done. I think you've done more than enough to redeem yourself.

Rags said:

I can't vote either. I need an option 'not in an affair/betrayed spouse - I come here for another reason - please specify ...'

The reason being: reminds what a disaster it would be were I to have one, and helps me maintain sensible distances (cos I've noticed opportunities in the past, and whilst I haven't acted on them, I have dwelt on them mentally somewhat.)

Rags

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I didn't really understand what you meant. If you mean that you regretted that you didn't act on them, you should at least be proud that you remained strong.

Maricha75 said:

Same here: BS in EA (reconciliation)
WS in EA (reconciliation)
AP in EA

My EA was with another WS in Canada. My husband's EA was with another WS in another state.

Oh, I'm 37, hubby is 31, married 12 years, 3 kids (2 boys and a girl).

ETA: But to get a well rounded group... I answered "WS EA, reconciliation"

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Hi Maricha. How long is the reconciliation ? What made them stop ?
Did you feel the reconciliation taking its effect ?

Hope1964 said:

Betrayed wife here, age 47, three kids one currently at home with her boyfriend. We've been married 11.5 years, been together for about 16 years.

Reconciling with hubby for about 2 years now. He started out with online porn, which was good enough for a couple of years, then got into online sex chatting, webcams, and ended up trying to hook up with 'models' who turned out to be scam artists that took him for thousands of dollars. No actual sex when I kicked him our March 13/10 but that changed when he hired a street hooker in June/10. That was his only physical encounter, plus when he hit rock bottom, and he finally got help for his addiction when he admitted it to me. Full story is linked in my sig if anyone is interested.

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Hi Hope, your story was among the first that I've read when registering to TAM. The scam part is just sad and must have been nerve wrecking to you.
He should be thankful that you stood patient after all that happened.

sigma1299 said:

Wayward, EA, reconciling. Married to my wife for 14 years, together 22. Dday was August 2010. TAM addict. The rest of my details you can read in my thread linked below if you're so inclined.

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Hi Sigma, I just read your thread after the Question to wayward spouses thread. You're among the rare persons that quickly admitted to their affairs.
You are lucky to have a very understanding wife but I sincerly think that you deserve it.

BP, fiance was in an EA. I'm so glad I found this message board. I didn't know asking to see e-mails, text messages and so on is not too much to ask for when reconciling.

I'm glad that we had this crisis sooner and before marriage than later and after marriage.

I felt that my exH had carried on inappropriately with several women, he was extremely callous towards me about it. He then checked out of the marriage and had an exit affair.

So now I feel like I am on a mission. I am so annoyed by women who is insist on remaining friends with ex's whether of the long term or fly by night kind. And I am annoyed by men who go along with it and think it's cool.

As I mentioned before, I'm on another relationship message board. I noticed one poster a few years ago who said that he had femal friends and if his wife/ the mother of his child did not get along with them, that would be a dealbreaker. This year on the board, he announced that he was getting a divorce. I pm'ed him to ask him if my memory was correct and was that the reason he was getting a divorce. And he wrote back, saying yes that was correct.

This does not bode will for family life.

Torrivien said:

Reading about it in the other thread triggered my own anger. I think I would have killed him or threw up on both of them. And how was the other guy okay with it ?
How do you deal with it ? You can't let it lay inside you as the pain will never cease until it takes away a part of you.
Did you consider counseling ? Are you in one ? Did he show remorse afterwards ?

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I will answer your questions in order best I can. The other guy was more than happy to climb on top of me and do his business. Most people don't understand why I didn't say anything. I was in shock and hurt for one. There were so many things going through my mind at that time. One was I was worried about making a scene. We were staying at their house and we were 2 hours from home. I was hurt and I just laid there like a dead starfish and turned my head and tried not to look at what my husband was doing. Which wasn't easy because the OM kept turning my head and saying stuff about what my husband was doing because I guess he thought it was hot.

Husband apologized and showed remorse as soon as the next day. I kind of avoided the subject for a couple weeks. Then when I tried to sit down and talk about it he got angry and acted like he was the "most" hurt I guess. This angered me tremendously. When my affection for him waned then he decided that maybe he needed to talk but then I didn't. This was like 2 or 3 months later. He has suggested counseling. I have heard too many quack stories about them.

Keeping him sexually satisfied had always been very important to me. And being the one and only since we met and feeling like I fully satisfied his needs made me feel superior and that feeling is what fed my passion for him. He killed that that night. And to make it worse it's like a movie that replays over and over. Sometimes it's when we have sex and sometimes it's just random times when I am watching tv. But it's there and I can't make it go away.