[Captainjacksparrow84]

@Captainjacksparrow84: What has your attorney said about the timeline for separating finances, separate maintenance, divorce? In your state, how long does the whole mess take? In other words, when are you free to begin living your new life without the STBXW hanging around bothering you? I am guessing you are in your very early thirties, so a lifetime awaits you to meet/date women worthy of your time. You will likely be very surprised how much fun you will have and how much less stress will be in your life. The quicker you are shed of the serial cheater the happier you will be.

You are already realizing that not doing all of the housework frees up a lot of time to do things you enjoy,

Actually in my mid, going on late 30's. The mess according to my attorney is 6 -12 months. She's actually in her early 40's. Which apparently from what I hear is a prime time for some woman to start going a little haywire.

 

[Captainjacksparrow84]

Well, I obviously didn't go to MC today. I walked in after she had gone to MC, and it looked as though she had been crying. Just kept maintaining NC, said nothing and pretended that she was a ghost. Woohoo to small victories.

 

[Rus47]

Actually in my mid, going on late 30's. The mess according to my attorney is 6 -12 months. She's actually in her early 40's. Which apparently from what I hear is a prime time for some woman to start going a little haywire.

Evidently your state is quick with these things, which is great. 6-12 months will go by quickly. Her in her early 40s, hopefully she can move on quickly to another victim and leave you be. I suspect that her AP at work let her know he wasn't into her except as a FB.

FWIW, both genders can "go haywire" during middle-age crazies as witness the women posting on here about their 50 something husband of decades decides to chase a 20 something hottie. But your wife has been haywire for years though, so evidently it is just who she is.

If she were to decide she didn't want any custody, so she has time to go to the gym etc, are you able to handle full custody of your child? Do you have supportive family nearby? Is your attorney in negotiation with her attorney yet?

 

[Moonshadow]

Look at it this way. Your only other option is to stay.
I firmly believe that if someone has cheated, even an EA, the relationship will never be the same, no matter how remorseful the cheater is. Your WW isn't exactly a poster girl for remorsefulness!
There'll always be a doubt if the BS stays which imo is no way to live.
No such thing as 95% trust. 100% or nothing.
If you have a look at R threads ie reconciliation, they're pretty depressing, plus it takes years. Ask any of them.
The divorce business isn't fun for sure but everyone gets through it.
Make sure you get the best financial outcome possible. Make that your focus, not what she did. Play hardball if you have to. It's your future.
Keep your eye on the ball and have as minimal contact as possible for your own protection.
Your little boy will be fine. You sound like a fantastic Dad.

 

[Evinrude58]

I agree she’s not going haywire, she’s just doing what she’s always done, which is playing people and using them. Don’t be used.
Continue to detach and steel yourself against her.
Planning and taking action toward a future without the black cloud (her) is what will heal yourself.

 

[Captainjacksparrow84]

Evidently your state is quick with these things, which is great. 6-12 months will go by quickly. Her in her early 40s, hopefully she can move on quickly to another victim and leave you be. I suspect that her AP at work let her know he wasn't into her except as a FB.

FWIW, both genders can "go haywire" during middle-age crazies as witness the women posting on here about their 50 something husband of decades decides to chase a 20 something hottie. But your wife has been haywire for years though, so evidently it is just who she is.

If she were to decide she didn't want any custody, so she has time to go to the gym etc, are you able to handle full custody of your child? Do you have supportive family nearby? Is your attorney in negotiation with her attorney yet?

I could handle having him full time. I love my kid. Would it be tougher than 50/50? sure, but that is what parents do. It's tough, when I have taken him to amusement parks, or out to do things, it's kinda tough noticing all the "family" units that are together, but then I start looking and I'm like oh, she is hiding her phone from her hubby, or he just left his family to go to the bathroom and is instantly texting, so I'm like appearances aren't everything right?

I'm not sure if she would give up full custody to me, at least not right away because that would mess up her appearance of being an awesome mother and wife. Which is what she tries to portray to the world. I don't have any family nearby. Wish I did, but it's me on my own here, which is ok.

 

[Captainjacksparrow84]

I agree she’s not going haywire, she’s just doing what she’s always done, which is playing people and using them. Don’t be used.
Continue to detach and steel yourself against her.
Planning and taking action toward a future without the black cloud (her) is what will heal yourself.

I guess it's hard for me to accept she has always been like this. It didn't feel like it in the beginning when we were married or dating. Just kinda sucks to be slapped with that reality, that she just hid it for a while. Thanks for the reality check though.

 

[Captainjacksparrow84]

Look at it this way. Your only other option is to stay.
I firmly believe that if someone has cheated, even an EA, the relationship will never be the same, no matter how remorseful the cheater is. Your WW isn't exactly a poster girl for remorsefulness!
There'll always be a doubt if the BS stays which imo is no way to live.
No such thing as 95% trust. 100% or nothing.
If you have a look at R threads ie reconciliation, they're pretty depressing, plus it takes years. Ask any of them.
The divorce business isn't fun for sure but everyone gets through it.
Make sure you get the best financial outcome possible. Make that your focus, not what she did. Play hardball if you have to. It's your future.
Keep your eye on the ball and have as minimal contact as possible for your own protection.
Your little boy will be fine. You sound like a fantastic Dad.

Not gunna lie, the options kinda suck right. You stay and you never trust them again. You go and life gets better but you still have to go through hell and pain to get there right? Some argue yeah but it is only temporary, and I agree with that, but going through hell doesn't make it any easier. Thanks for the kind words. I really do try with my kid, I'm not the perfect dad, and I make mistakes, I try to learn from them. I didn't grow up with a father, so I never really had something to emulate, I just try the best I can.

 

[Moonshadow]

Not gunna lie, the options kinda suck right. You stay and you never trust them again. You go and life gets better but you still have to go through hell and pain to get there right? Some argue yeah but it is only temporary, and I agree with that, but going through hell doesn't make it any easier. Thanks for the kind words. I really do try with my kid, I'm not the perfect dad, and I make mistakes, I try to learn from them. I didn't grow up with a father, so I never really had something to emulate, I just try the best I can.

You're 100% correct @Captainjacksparrow84 . It is hell going through the divorce thing.
You have a bunch of folks here barracking for you.
I found being on here helped me so much with my drama which seems like another lifetime now.
Best thing was, unlike my friends and family, they'd been through it and could relate to it.

 

[re16]

If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

 

[Cynthia]

If you're going through hell, keep going. - Winston Churchill

That's one of my favorite quotes. It's so true. Do not stop in the middle. Do not go back. Go all the way through.

 

[Rus47]

That's one of my favorite quotes. It's so true. Do not stop in the middle. Do not go back. Go all the way through.

How many under 40 even know who Churchill was, what he did, and the circumstances of the quote? (Which references say he never said)

 

[Cynthia]

How many under 40 even know who Churchill was, what he did, and the circumstances of the quote? (Which references say he never said)

Churchill said a lot of pithy things. I love the one with Lady Astor.

 

[Evinrude58]

Yes, divorce is a hell that only a betrayed spouse understands. It’s hell from the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, and heck, I even had nightmares of my ex with other men for a while. I took some Zoloft for about a month and it helped with the anxiety.

Exercising a lot (easy when you’re on the divorce diet and lose 30lbs in 2 months) helped.
Getting back to dating helped.
Building a cabin on the lake from nothing helped.

Get your mind elsewhere. No contact as much as possible.

 

[Captainjacksparrow84]

Yes, divorce is a hell that only a betrayed spouse understands. It’s hell from the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, and heck, I even had nightmares of my ex with other men for a while. I took some Zoloft for about a month and it helped with the anxiety.

Exercising a lot (easy when you’re on the divorce diet and lose 30lbs in 2 months) helped.
Getting back to dating helped.
Building a cabin on the lake from nothing helped.

Get your mind elsewhere. No contact as much as possible.

She went and gota new base for her bed frame and had it delivered today....kinda weird. Doesn't seem like she wants to leave if she's getting new furniture?

 

[Evinrude58]

Why should she leave? You’re paying the bills and she’s looking for a monkey branch. She has you for baby sitting while she dates.
It’s a sweet deal.

yiu need to find a way to get her gone if you can. She’s gonna set you up for a domestic violence charge and put you out. Get a restraining order, and still have her nest

 

[Cynthia]

She went and gota new base for her bed frame and had it delivered today....kinda weird. Doesn't seem like she wants to leave if she's getting new furniture?

I haven't left the house. I think her attorney advised her not to leave the house either.

Her attorney may have told her that she'll be able to keep the house. I wouldn't worry about what her plans are. Just put one foot in the front of the other and make good decisions as you go. You cannot control the outcome.

Whelp, I was an idiot and got roped into talking to her. Had a productive conversation Sunday night, then had a conversation tonight, and it turned into everything being my fault. Screw it. I clearly didn't learn my lesson. Done talking to this narcissist. She tried to say that I emotionally abused her for 10 years, because I didn't hang out with her enough. I clearly wasn't a perfect husband by any means, but I never saw her complaining when we went on vacation to nice places. Then she tells me I'm playing the victim, because I brought up her infidelity. This is done. I'm done. Good luck to her AP2 or whatever. Girl wouldn't know the truth if it hit her in the face. Kind of tough to be in a relationship, when she won't admit she is wrong about a single freaking thing. I'm such an idiot for talking to her. Whelp back to NC.

She has already accused you of abuse a couple of times. Watch your back. If you can have cameras installed in the house, I would recommend it. Talk to your attorney about concerns that she may try to accuse you of domestic violence, based on what she has said to you. See what his/her recommendations are to prevent that.

 

[SunCMars]

Yes, divorce is a hell that only a betrayed spouse understands. It’s hell from the time you wake up to the time you fall asleep, and heck, I even had nightmares of my ex with other men for a while. I took some Zoloft for about a month and it helped with the anxiety.

Exercising a lot (easy when you’re on the divorce diet and lose 30lbs in 2 months) helped.
Getting back to dating helped.
Building a cabin on the lake from nothing helped.

Get your mind elsewhere. No contact as much as possible.

Ah!

Zo-lofty iz eet now.

 

[Marc878]

Not gunna lie, the options kinda suck right. You stay and you never trust them again. You go and life gets better but you still have to go through hell and pain to get there right? Some argue yeah but it is only temporary, and I agree with that, but going through hell doesn't make it any easier. Thanks for the kind words. I really do try with my kid, I'm not the perfect dad, and I make mistakes, I try to learn from them. I didn't grow up with a father, so I never really had something to emulate, I just try the best I can.

Yep, there is no magic fix. Long term you will be fine. Don’t worry about making mistakes, etc. kids just like your time and attention. Short term pain versus long term gain.

 

[Marc878]

Her attorney may have told her that she'll be able to keep the house. I wouldn't worry about what her plans are. Just put one foot in the front of the other and make good decisions as you go. You cannot control the outcome.

She has already accused you of abuse a couple of times. Watch your back. If you can have cameras installed in the house, I would recommend it. Talk to your attorney about concerns that she may try to accuse you of domestic violence, based on what she has said to you. See what his/her recommendations are to prevent that.

Keep a voice activated recorder on you at all time. False domestic violence filings happen. We just had one here a few weeks ago. Luckily the guy took the advice and his charges were dropped but not after a trip to the police department. Don’t think it can’t happen to you.