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Not sure if what I did was correct, but heres my story.

I found some text messages about 4 years ago, between my wife and AP, I discovered these messages a couple months before my son was born. It was probably dumb looking back on it, but I held it inside for over a year, as the information slowly ate away at me. I did this because she was in the last trimested carrying my son, and then she had post-partum depression. During this time I put myself into counseling because I couldn't hande it on my own. I eventually confronted her about a year after it occured, where she proceeded to deny it, then she was like AP kissed me. I was pissed, but I was like I have a one year old, so I ignored it. Went to counseling, because I am supposed to believe my wife right? All the while my gut and intutition was telling me I'm wrong
Fast forward a few years later, we moved cities, and she is being distant. I chalk it up to the move and stresses of a new job etc. I wind up paying for a hotel for the weekend to send her out of town, because that is what she really wanted. A week after I booked the hotel, she was like oh hey, It's going to be a girls trip. I'm like cool.
Then I see a photo of the wife and another guy. So I confront her about it, and she says oh one of my gfs invited co-workers to come, and one of the other girls brought her husband. Wife didn't tell me it turned co-ed. That it turns out AP2, took a shower in the room that I bought her, and then my wife confesses that AP2 slept in her hotel room one night on the couch. She says "nothing happened" he's like my "little brother" We are just "friends"
This triggered all sorts of I guess PTSD about AP1, because they were "just friends" about a month ago, I confront her again about AP1, she says nothing happened. Gut still didn't buy it. Confronted her again 4 days later she says "oh he fingered me in the car one time" Fast forward to this week, I'm like I just don't buy that nothing further happened. No one goes to 3rd base and stops unless you are a teenager and don't really know what you are doing. I ask her what happened, then she proceeds to tell me, she gave him oral, and a HJ in the car, and he was ontop of her, but no penetration occured. (Yeah right). So then the day after this confrontation, I get an e-mail from her, yeah I did have sex with him, the stuff in the car happened after. I'm so sorry.
I'm not stupid, and just because you admitted to AP1's stuff four years ago, doesn't account for your denial on whats going on with AP2 whether it's emotional or physical (I think it's both) I mean why else hide who you are having stay in your hotel room.
Anyway I have a kid with her, and the thought of breaking up my family kills me. But the thought of me staying with someone who straight up lied to my face multiple times over the past 5 years, makes me want to vomit. Not too mention she's doing the same crap now.
I asked her to take a lie detector test after I found out about the fingering, and she wound up booking it, and then backing out on advice of her "counselor" the real reason she backed out was because she couldn't pass the test. But the reason she told me she didn't take it was "it is inaccurate, and it's all in how the questions are asked" Nah, it's because you didn't want to tell the truth.
I should also mention that the whole reason she didn't tell me, was because she "repressed it" because she said that she was sexually assault/molested when she was 9 and if she didn't say what happened out loud, then it didn't happen. Cool, I guess I can try that in court sometime. Yes Mr. Mrs. Judge, since I didn't say it out loud, then I wasn't going 20mph over the speed limit. Shouldn't the sexual assault/molestation be something that you tell your spouse about before you get married? Like that's a pretty big thing to know.
She says she still loves me, and wants to "try" I'm like why, so you can live in a nice house, and I can send you on a vacation you desperately said you needed to relax, so you can go and have a guy who you work with spend a night in your hotel room when "nothing happened"
She went to counseling the other day, and came home in one of the best moods I've seen her in, in a long time. I'm like must be nice getting rid of all that guilt, and hiding stuff from me for the past 5 years, while I"m over here trying to hold myself together. I don't feel like she has ever really had remorse, she has said sorry, but there doesn't seem to be much meaning behind it.
At the end of the day we didn't have very good communication, and that is part my responsability as well.
I asked her, why she finally decided to tel lme after all these years. She said she finally admitted because it was "Time for me to know, so that I could stop my tailspin"
She also keeps to the story that nothing physical happened with AP2, and that ever since she did the stuff with AP1 " I have honestly tried my best to be the wife you deserve " by what, having AP2? and at least an EA? if not a PA?

So a couple updates since then. One, I went on a trip, and I caught her looking at houses for a friend on the street next to AP2. Then this past week she was at a business conference, and I asked who was going, she never metnioned AP2. Come to find out AP2 was there, but she says she didn't interact with him blah blah blah, but her timeline shows an 8 hour gap where it looks like location services was turned off.

We had conversations, we went to counseling. We got kicked out, because she wouldn't admit she slept with the guy in the hotel, and refused to take a lie detector test. She refuses to get a new job, and refuses to stop being friends with guy number #2. She said that "she doesnt want to give up her social life" I told her if she doesn't want to give up a guy she's known for 6 months who is just "a friend" for her husband and her kid, then we are done. I asked her so what is it. She said she didn't know. So I sent her divorce papers that I had been working on. Today is a tough day. Never thought I would be here.
 

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Not sure if what I did was correct, but heres my story.

I found some text messages about 4 years ago, between my wife and AP, I discovered these messages a couple months before my son was born. It was probably dumb looking back on it, but I held it inside for over a year, as the information slowly ate away at me. I did this because she was in the last trimested carrying my son, and then she had post-partum depression. During this time I put myself into counseling because I couldn't hande it on my own. I eventually confronted her about a year after it occured, where she proceeded to deny it, then she was like AP kissed me. I was pissed, but I was like I have a one year old, so I ignored it. Went to counseling, because I am supposed to believe my wife right? All the while my gut and intutition was telling me I'm wrong
Fast forward a few years later, we moved cities, and she is being distant. I chalk it up to the move and stresses of a new job etc. I wind up paying for a hotel for the weekend to send her out of town, because that is what she really wanted. A week after I booked the hotel, she was like oh hey, It's going to be a girls trip. I'm like cool.
Then I see a photo of the wife and another guy. So I confront her about it, and she says oh one of my gfs invited co-workers to come, and one of the other girls brought her husband. Wife didn't tell me it turned co-ed. That it turns out AP2, took a shower in the room that I bought her, and then my wife confesses that AP2 slept in her hotel room one night on the couch. She says "nothing happened" he's like my "little brother" We are just "friends"
This triggered all sorts of I guess PTSD about AP1, because they were "just friends" about a month ago, I confront her again about AP1, she says nothing happened. Gut still didn't buy it. Confronted her again 4 days later she says "oh he fingered me in the car one time" Fast forward to this week, I'm like I just don't buy that nothing further happened. No one goes to 3rd base and stops unless you are a teenager and don't really know what you are doing. I ask her what happened, then she proceeds to tell me, she gave him oral, and a HJ in the car, and he was ontop of her, but no penetration occured. (Yeah right). So then the day after this confrontation, I get an e-mail from her, yeah I did have sex with him, the stuff in the car happened after. I'm so sorry.
I'm not stupid, and just because you admitted to AP1's stuff four years ago, doesn't account for your denial on whats going on with AP2 whether it's emotional or physical (I think it's both) I mean why else hide who you are having stay in your hotel room.
Anyway I have a kid with her, and the thought of breaking up my family kills me. But the thought of me staying with someone who straight up lied to my face multiple times over the past 5 years, makes me want to vomit. Not too mention she's doing the same crap now.
I asked her to take a lie detector test after I found out about the fingering, and she wound up booking it, and then backing out on advice of her "counselor" the real reason she backed out was because she couldn't pass the test. But the reason she told me she didn't take it was "it is inaccurate, and it's all in how the questions are asked" Nah, it's because you didn't want to tell the truth.
I should also mention that the whole reason she didn't tell me, was because she "repressed it" because she said that she was sexually assault/molested when she was 9 and if she didn't say what happened out loud, then it didn't happen. Cool, I guess I can try that in court sometime. Yes Mr. Mrs. Judge, since I didn't say it out loud, then I wasn't going 20mph over the speed limit. Shouldn't the sexual assault/molestation be something that you tell your spouse about before you get married? Like that's a pretty big thing to know.
She says she still loves me, and wants to "try" I'm like why, so you can live in a nice house, and I can send you on a vacation you desperately said you needed to relax, so you can go and have a guy who you work with spend a night in your hotel room when "nothing happened"
She went to counseling the other day, and came home in one of the best moods I've seen her in, in a long time. I'm like must be nice getting rid of all that guilt, and hiding stuff from me for the past 5 years, while I"m over here trying to hold myself together. I don't feel like she has ever really had remorse, she has said sorry, but there doesn't seem to be much meaning behind it.
At the end of the day we didn't have very good communication, and that is part my responsability as well.
I asked her, why she finally decided to tel lme after all these years. She said she finally admitted because it was "Time for me to know, so that I could stop my tailspin"
She also keeps to the story that nothing physical happened with AP2, and that ever since she did the stuff with AP1 " I have honestly tried my best to be the wife you deserve " by what, having AP2? and at least an EA? if not a PA?

So a couple updates since then. One, I went on a trip, and I caught her looking at houses for a friend on the street next to AP2. Then this past week she was at a business conference, and I asked who was going, she never metnioned AP2. Come to find out AP2 was there, but she says she didn't interact with him blah blah blah, but her timeline shows an 8 hour gap where it looks like location services was turned off.

We had conversations, we went to counseling. We got kicked out, because she wouldn't admit she slept with the guy in the hotel, and refused to take a lie detector test. She refuses to get a new job, and refuses to stop being friends with guy number #2. She said that "she doesnt want to give up her social life" I told her if she doesn't want to give up a guy she's known for 6 months who is just "a friend" for her husband and her kid, then we are done. I asked her so what is it. She said she didn't know. So I sent her divorce papers that I had been working on. Today is a tough day. Never thought I would be here.
Captain, wow this is a really tragic story.

Bottom line I'm a little confused about your question "If what I did was correct"? You mean giving her divorce papers?

/Harsh word alert
Because giving her divorce papers is just about the only thing I see that is done right.
She has been using, manipulating, lying, and cheating on you for your whole relationship.

This screams serial cheater.
And when you found out...or even just suspected, you let her get away with it.
That is not the way to get her to stop, as you found out.
What you did is called rugssweeping, meaning ignore it and hope it goes away.
That NEVER works.

I don't think there's a snowball's chance in <you know> that she can or even will want, to reform.

It's best that you cut this one loose and start working on yourself.
Never let this happen again to yourself.

Counseling + lots of educating yourself on being a leader in your household.


I'm really sorry you're here in this situation but the people here are really sharp.
Put the details out there and someone will have experienced before and can help, I can assure you.


How many years were you married to this...person. (for lack of an appropriate word)
How old is your son? 4ish?
Just the one child?


Best of luck to you OP.
 

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It’s hard when a child is involved, but the child will sense the stress in the home and it’s often better for the child to divorce.
I would dna test as also.
 
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it is possible to give the man a handy and a bj and NOT have penetrative sex. it after all IS a car and there is limited room. but for sure both of them orgasmed.

it is certainly possible they then went off to a hotel room for hours of pounding, so you are not in the clear at all.

wives just do not allow other men to "finger" them unless they are cheaters or have an open marriage.
is there any chance you might have given her a subconscious message that it would be ok to have sex with other men? Possibly as a result of you rug sweeping her first affair? Did she ever ask you for a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement?

if not, it was just bold faced cheating, and yes you need to divorce her. She is not horny for you, she has to go to a different town and get some strange that way to be fully satisfied.

if you do not divorce her now, she certainly WILL take it as permission to continue life with you as her cuckold. so be careful what you say and do now with her.
 

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You’ve allowed her to lie to you for so long that you’re now used to the emotional abuse. She’s pulling a “are you going to believe me or your lying eyes”.

I also, advise that you dna the kid. The timing between the APs is enough to warrant suspicion. Also, her actions are of a woman that is completely in wuv with AP2. You are there to pay bills and help with the raising of the kid. Would be horrendous if it turns out you have been putting all of your time and resources into another man’s kid.
 

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You’ve allowed her to lie to you for so long that you’re now used to the emotional abuse. She’s pulling a “are you going to believe me or your lying eyes”.

I also, advise that you dna the kid. The timing between the APs is enough to warrant suspicion. Also, her actions are of a woman that is completely in wuv with AP2. You are there to pay bills and help with the raising of the kid. Would be horrendous if it turns out you have been putting all of your time and resources into another man’s kid.
indeed, a standard cuckold arrangement for the OP
 

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Your soon to be ex wife has quite literally backed you into a corner. I do believe marriage can survive almost anything but it does require both parties to really, really want it. You gave her bare minimum requirements allow you to forgive while protecting yourself - distancing from AP2 should have been a no brainer. I also would not believe that nothing happened with AP2 while he "stayed on the couch".


You are so strong for serving those papers. Good on your for not kicking the idea around for years and holding your boundaries.
 

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I don't know what 'divorce papers' you gave her, your language was a little fluffy about that.

Make sure you've seen a lawyer and those papers go past him.
You have a son to think about. Or someone's son anyway.

It's possible (from her lack of enthusiasm) that she won't fight a divorce or be super demanding.
But prepare for the worst. Lawyer up.
 

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You had her served with d papers? I must have missed that but it is way over due. We all know that you don’t want your kid growing up in a broken home but your WW has given you no choice. Her mouth is saying she wants to make the marriage work but her actions are saying, she doesn’t love you and is in fact in love with AP2.

She actually brought him to a couples outing, which means all of her friends and their spouses know that she’s having an affair. Great set of friends, right? She also brought him to a work event, which means they all know she’s with another man, or she’s been telling everyone that he is her man. Which for intents and purposes, he practically is. You’re the guy she give duty sex to as payment for your household, child rearing duties and let’s not forget them bills. Her AP, gets the hot girl, who’s enthusiastically giving herself.

So don’t cave into any waterworks from her. Those are only tears for the hardship, she will have to endure as a single mom. The D process takes time. In that time get busy working on yourself, so you can stop the co-dependency you suffer from.

The best way to get her out of your system, is to implement the 180. It is not a manipulation tool. It is to help you detach. Once you dump her and go through the withdrawal, you will see that there are good loyal women out there. You will only regret not pulling the divorce trigger sooner.
 

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I can’t believe you ate all those lies that long. That is almost inconceivable. It’s great that you finally stood up for yourself but I will say this: If you don’t go through with the divorce you pretty much deserve what you get. The only word would be ….. coward. Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy. Get off the floor and stand up straight… chin up. Get your head right because she obviously knows how to play the game. Prepare yourself.
 

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I can’t believe you ate all those lies that long. That is almost inconceivable. It’s great that you finally stood up for yourself but I will say this: If you don’t go through with the divorce you pretty much deserve what you get. The only word would be ….. coward. Don’t do that. Don’t be that guy. Get off the floor and stand up straight… chin up. Get your head right because she obviously knows how to play the game. Prepare yourself.
Agreed. Dont let short term mourning turn into a lifetime of regret and misery. You will get through it and these sad feelings are temporary. I frequently read stories on here regarding updates post divorce and the OP is thriving every time. New relationships, happiness, and finally at peace again.
 
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