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That's just a bonus.
But it also hammers the point home that whatever it is they're trying to get by acting this way is no longer going to work. When the cheese gets moved, the mouse goes hungry and is forced to try another tactic.
in my management training " Who moved my cheese was required reading"
 
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We aren’t fighting at the moment but she still just thinks it’s appropriate to hand me random tasks without as much as a “please” or “thank you.” I have started defending myself whenever she starts and she reacts like I never do anything around the house, which has NEVER been true.
So? I take it you haven't read No More Mr Nice Guy yet. It's available online. You could be reading it right now. She isn't the problem, you are.
 

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Geez, you may as well have joined the army. They give lots of orders, too.

Your wife sees herself as the one who keeps the wheels on the bus turning round and round. She delegates tasks that do not require her expertise.

You need to have a convo wherein you set forth some standards. You can say that you do not want to be assigned chores the minute you walk in the door, for example. Think about what she could say and how she could say it that would make it more palatable for you. Point out that her time is not more valuable than yours. Good luck (you're going to need it to break this pattern).
 

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Since she is always accusing you of never doing anything around the house, you should state that from now on you aren't doing anything around the house. If her statement is true, then nothing will change. If her statement is wrong, she might realize just how much you really do to help out.
 

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Of course I did
I'm sure someone has already said it...if so, it bears repeating.

And that is why she does it.



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That makes sense to say but almost guarantees a fight with her.
So what.

Until you learn to stop fearing her, nothing changes.

Was your mother abusive?

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Discussion Starter #131
How has the weekend gone @PianoMan1979 ?
The weekend wasn’t much better, but I continued to stand my ground. Yesterday, we were lying on the bed watching some Netflix and all of a sudden she grabbed her wine glass, put it in my face, and demanded I get her more wine. I responded with “I am not your personal butler and you are not incapable of getting up to get it yourself.” Her response? “I gave birth to your four kids so the least you can do is get me more wine.” I swear, I am not too far away from contacting a lawyer. I refuse to be treated like this any longer but she doesn’t seem to understand.
 

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Now, you know he did. You little pot-stirrer, you.:D
:pI'm hoping with that question, he will start to understand why he is making no headway with his recent declarations of "you're not the boss of me" if he did, indeed, get her more wine.

@PianoMan1979 your wife is a bully. And I truly understand how hard it is to stand up to one. I'm a people pleaser and it takes a herculean effort for me to find my courage and stand up for myself. It's scary! And I'm 51!

You can't make a declaration and not follow through. So my question remains--did you get her more wine?

A TAM member long ago who is a retired police officer highly recommended the book, Verbal Judo. I think you should take a look. It helps the reader diffuse a verbal confrontation and teaches how to react to one appropriately, and get cooperation.
 

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The weekend wasn’t much better, but I continued to stand my ground. Yesterday, we were lying on the bed watching some Netflix and all of a sudden she grabbed her wine glass, put it in my face, and demanded I get her more wine. I responded with “I am not your personal butler and you are not incapable of getting up to get it yourself.”
Learning to disconnect, or detach as many call it, takes practice. It also requires not giving a crap. You responded in a way that let her know she got a rise out of you. You also said too many words. A simple "No" is all that was required. No explanation. No argument. End of sentence. End of paragraph.

You are learning that to engage your wife beyond responding with a monosyllabic grunt will reap you listening to her big mouth. Seriously.
 

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I thinking saying more than a single syllable at this point can be useful, if you’re interested in catching an indirect glimpse of her internal state and “thought” process. Or if you want to attempt to make clear to her what yours is.

But, sure, weigh the diminishing returns andenjoy the freedom to not engage her and not give her your energy to feed off of.

You mentioned wine. Lots of people drink moderately without creating problems. On the other hand, I’ve seen people capable of being kind and loving be real asshole bullies when they drink, or miss a drink. Could that be part of her problem?

I’m not optimistic reason will make any impact on her, but, next time you are attempting to clarify how you will not accept being treated poorly, perhaps noting the parallels with how her mother treats her father will resonate a tiny bit. If it doesn’t resonate at all, then at least you have another data point about how blind she is to her bad behavior.
 
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