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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Long story but I'll try to shorten it. I am 22 years old. I have been married to my husband since I was 19. We moved to a remote town for his job as soon as we got married. The town is 98% hispanic and I am white so it has been hard to adjust. I left my university after two semesters to marry this man and move to the middle of nowhere with him to follow his dreams. I go to school online full time but have had to change my career path since the degree I was going for is not available online. After being married for six months I got pregnant. We now have an 18 month old son. I am a stay at home mom and student.

My husband is hispanic and I am white. We both have brown eyes. Our son has blue eyes and my husband questions his paternity ALL THE TIME (although my father and his father both have blue eyes). We submitted a paternity test that he requested we do and are still waiting for the results. I KNOW that he is the father of my child despite my son not looking like him in the slightest. I was extremely offended when he asked for the test but I am going along with it for the sake of my son. I just want him to be accepted and loved by his father.

I have never done my husband wrong, yet he doesn't trust me. Everything I do is questioned. If I curl my hair or wear makeup to a playgroup he wants to know why and who is going and how long I will be gone. Every time I get off the phone with my mom or a friend he wants to know exactly what was said and asks a million questions. I was invited to a girls night out this weekend and he told me no because it would 'cause problems' and if I go out by myself he is going to do whatever he wants.

Since the birth of our son I have caught him talking to other women (one of them an ex) on facebook and texting. He says they were just friends he wanted to catch up with. If another man likes a picture of mine I am questioned.

I am not allowed to go visit my family 5 hours away unless he has the days off to go with me (which are hard for him to get).

I never imagined my life would be like this at 22 years old. I feel like I have so much to offer the world and my son but I am being suppressed by someone that doesn't know my worth.

I know that he is controlling and my feelings towards him are changing. I feel myself caring less and less about him with each argument. I want this marriage to work for my son's sake, but I know that I can't live my life being controlled any longer. I feel so stuck and I don't know what to do.
 

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Wow, this is awful, your about to lose your identity. This is the first step in a failing marriage. He needs to get into a few independent counseling sessions first, then you both need to hit some marriage counseling together. If you can wait that long, and if he'll even go.

Your marriage is at a crossroads right now, your next choice or two, and his ability to admit his faults will either lead you down the same path, or divide you up.

Good luck, maybe google therapists in your area, and do a MC appt. first, then see if the session will produce what should be him doing a solo if that's how it plays out.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
He is on midnight shift and I went to a friends house while he was asleep. He threw a fit when I got home. He wouldn't talk to me, was slamming doors etc. While he was getting ready for work he realized he had no clean underwear so he threw a pair at me and told me to wash them by hand. I am going to leave to my parents this morning with my son and give him some space for a week or so.
 

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He is very insecure of himself, and without trying to sound racist here, feels like he wants to belittle you because you are Caucasian and he Hispanic.

Do you love this man?

I don't know if I would even go back after a week to be honest. I'd stay in your Mom's house, wait for that paternity test to come back, stick it in his nose, and then tell him that you will not go back to him unless he changes his ways and unless he agrees to counseling, all while you stay in your mother's place.
 

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In regards to the eye color: You and H are both brown eyed. However, you both have blue eyed parents. So you both carry the recessive blue eye gene.

There is a 25% chance that one of your offspring with have blue eyes.

It's simple genetics.
 

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mpz2013, this is a downfall of marrying someone with cultural differences. He will not change so don't expect that to be an option.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
I came home and he told me he wanted a divorce over text message. He told me that I basically kidnapped his son and he is going to get taken away from me. He changed our bank account password and cut us off financially. All of this in less than a 24 hour period. I don't know what to do I am in awe of what this man is capable of. I thought he would agree to the counseling but he just said that I am the one with a mental problem. I am so exhausted.
 

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You came home but he accused you of kidnapping the son? He cant cut you off financially, but he can make it more difficult for you to access money. Get to the bank, withdraw some cash, and head for your family for some time away. He needs to get his head on straight and get some counseling, and you need to get away from him so he see's that. Are you worried that he might get physical with you? Be careful, and good luck.
 

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Wow, just wow. All this at aged 22. I know Hispanic men are prone to being "macho" and have strong views on women´s roles but this is ridiculous.

In your shoes, I would go to your parents´ as you had planned. He is trying scare tactics to make you stay and this isn´t right. He´s also using reverse psychology on you (saying you are the one with the problem, etc) to cover his own insecurities. Get yourself a lawyer (your parents can help you here) and get some counselling also. You have taken the first of many difficult steps and now you have to show him you mean business.

This isn´t a life and you are clearly unhappy. Your son deserves to grow up with a happy mother and within a loving and trusting relationship. You don´t want him growing up with your H´s behaviour as a role model.
 

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My best friend from HS married a man who is black, but he has lighter skin.

They had 3 children. 2 with blond hair and blue eyes. Both my friend and her hubby have beautiful brown eyes. My friends grandmother had blue eyes and the genes were passed down to her great grandchildren. My friends children have the same facial features as their father, but their hair and eyes are different.

I also know a black couple who had a son with blue eyes. Both parents are dark skinned and so is their son.

Blue eyes are a dominant gene. My whole family on my mothers side has blue eyes. My dads side are brown, hazel and green. My brother and I have blue eyes and so do all of our children.

It's too bad it's come down to this, but take a paternity test and prove to him what a fool he's being!
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
I should have clarified I came to my parents house and I was accused of kidnapping our son. My parents have told me they have no problem helping me out with money and he knows that but the fact that he changed the account password so that I cannot access money really bothers me since I am out of town and have his son in my care. I honestly didn't even think to withdrawal money before I left because I didn't think he would do such a thing but he continues to surprise me. I know that I can no longer be with him and I know in my heart that as much as I want him to he will never change. What steps do I need to take next? My only concern in all of this is keeping my son. I could care less about the house/savings/money at this point.
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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
And although he has never hit me he has grabbed the back of my neck and gotten too rough when angry before. He also does a lot of yelling and slamming things. That's why I felt I had to leave. I don't want my son hearing or seeing those things
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In regards to the eye color: You and H are both brown eyed. However, you both have blue eyed parents. So you both carry the recessive blue eye gene.

There is a 25% chance that one of your offspring with have blue eyes.

It's simple genetics.
Only one of 4 of my kids has brown eyes, my wife is hispanic too. "Hispanic" isn't a race.
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MPZ, welcome to the TAM forum. Even if you D this man, you likely will be sharing custody of your son with him for nearly 17 years. I therefore urge you to see a clinical psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is that you and your son are dealing with.

What you are describing is neither machismo nor Hispanic in nature. Rather, the behaviors you describe -- i.e., the temper tantrums, verbal abuse, irrational jealousy, vindictiveness, and very controlling behavior -- are some of the classic traits of a personality disorder.

Of course, only a professional can determine whether your H's PD traits are so severe as to meet 100% of the diagnostic criteria for having a full blown PD. Yet, even when such traits fall well short of that diagnostic level, they still can be sufficiently strong to make your life miserable and harm your son.

Moreover, although you are incapable of diagnosing your H's issues, you likely are fully capable of simply spotting the red flags and warning signs for a PD. For that reason, I ask whether you've seen most of the following behaviors occurring at a strong level. If not, please ignore the list. But, if so, please tell us which of the 18 traits are strongest.
  • 1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
  • 2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
  • 3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from all close friends or family members;
  • 4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;
  • 5. Flipping, on a dime, between adoring you and devaluing you (i.e., he will truly love you for days or weeks and then, in ten seconds, will flip to devaluing or even hating you);
  • 6. Frequently creating drama over issues so minor that neither of you can recall what the fight was about two days later;
  • 7. Low self esteem;
  • 8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;
  • 9. Fear of abandonment or being alone -- evident in his expecting you to “be there” for him on demand, making unrealistic demands for the amount of time spent together, or responding with intense anger to even brief separations or slight changes in plans;
  • 10. Always being "The Victim," a false self image he validates by blaming you for every misfortune;
  • 11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);
  • 12. Complaining that all his previous GFs were abusive and claiming (during your courtship) that you are the only one who has treated him well;
  • 13. Mirroring your personality and preferences so perfectly during the courtship period (e.g., enjoying everything and everyone you like) that you were convinced you had met your "soul mate;"
  • 14. Relying on you to center and ground him, giving him a sense of direction because his goals otherwise keep changing every few months;
  • 15. Relying on you to sooth him and calm him down, when he is stressed, because he has so little ability to do self soothing;
  • 16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away);
  • 17. Taking on the personality of whatever person he is talking to, thereby acting quite differently around different types of people; and
  • 18. Always convinced that his intense feelings accurately reflect reality -- to the point that he regards his own feelings as self-evident facts, despite his inability to support them with any hard evidence.
 

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He will never change. My relationship started in a very similar way and here i am 18 years later and no change. I have lost my identity, friends, and family and I am very alone. I stayed in the relationship for the kids because he would disappear from their life because he couldn't have me but I now realize it caused more damage then good for us all... I have a daughter and a son and I wouldn't want my daughter to settle nor do I want my son to be controlling... Just don't wait as long as I did you have your whole life ahead of you. Be strong.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
[*]1. Black-white thinking, wherein he categorizes everyone as "all good" or "all bad" and will recategorize someone -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction;
[*]2. Frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you always" and "you never;"
[*]3. Irrational jealousy and controlling behavior that tries to isolate you away from all close friends or family members;
[*]4. A strong sense of entitlement that prevents him from appreciating your sacrifices, resulting in a "what have you done for me lately?" attitude and a double standard;

[*]8. Verbal abuse and anger that is easily triggered, in seconds, by a minor thing you say or do (real or imagined), resulting in temper tantrums that typically last several hours;

[*]11. Lack of impulse control, wherein he does reckless things without considering the consequences (e.g., binge eating or spending);He blew $500 on a dog a couple of months ago

[*]16. Having many casual friends but not any close long-term friends (unless they live a long distance away); He has no close friends and would prefer to be alone or with me only on days off etc. He doesn't really like to get out

[/LIST]
These are the traits that I see him display on a regular basis.
 

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MPZ, all of the traits in that list are typical for folks having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). The strong fear of abandonment, for example, is a hallmark of BPD and is the first symptom listed on the DSM's list of nine BPD traits. Having just a few strong BPD traits, however, does not imply he has a strong pattern of BPD (at least 5 of the 9 traits must be strong and persistent).

I therefore suggest you read my more detailed description of BPD traits in my post at http://talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/33734-my-list-hell.html#post473522. I also suggest you read Kathy Batesel's description of NPD (Narcissistic PD) at Narcissism: Recognizing, Coping With, and Treating It. If that description of BPD or NPD rings a bell, I would be glad to discuss it with you and point you to good online resources. Take care, MPZ.
 

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Hello mpz2013,

Sorry you are going through this.

And although he has never hit me he has grabbed the back of my neck and gotten too rough when angry before. He also does a lot of yelling and slamming things. That's why I felt I had to leave. I don't want my son hearing or seeing those things
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Your husband sounds like my dad use to and still tries to be sometimes. Although he's in his late 70's now he sometimes feels need to control my mother. Always asking her where's she going, what time she'll be back etc. my whole life I grew up seeing this and I hated it, we eventually banded together and over the years broke his controlling ways. He still tries even today, but he knows now we’ll stand our ground against him.

You made the right decision in leaving. You mentioned your husband never hit you but came, very close, guess what's going to happen if you go back to him now. Men like him/my dad, love to control and to micro-manage everything; it gives them a sense of power over others when they are meant to show love and affection for their family instead for them, control is love, they just don’t get it.

Take care and regards, FTP
 
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