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Hi, I am a relatively new poster. I'm just discovering there's some evidence of at least an EA and maybe a PA going on between my wife and an ex bf she reunited with on FB. I Just wanted to hear some thoughts, perspective or experiences about contacting the spouse's AP to expose the affair.

For the OM, I don't believe he is married. Does saying anything directly to this guy really matter? Did any of you betrayed spouses get any satisfaction or questions answered by contacting the AP?

Any comments appreciated. So begins the journey.
Helolover
 

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Depends on the guy.

If you look like Jay Cutler, and ask this guy "Hey, you been talking with my wife inappropriatly," I imagine the guy will [email protected] his pants and never call her again.
I kinda want to see that now...

But since most of the world isn't a body builder, I imagine he'll simply tell your wife, and she'll take it underground.

You are not in a good position.
Because you bring it up too soon, she'll take it underground, and that means the sex will be hotter, she'll be in a larger hormonal limbo, and you'll have trouble finding evidence.
Bring it up to late, and she'll will so far in the fog, she won't realize where she is going until the OM bails, and she hits the divorce.

Or she may stay in that fog and snap out of it after her (what would be future) bf cheats on her then leaves.
 

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You will find a mix here on the subject, I personally did not speak to the AP. I exposed what I found on FB to my wife. And it went from there.

I initially discovered my wife's affair on FB also, it had already gone PA upon discovery though.

Have you checked phone records? bet there are a lot of texts too.

If you are 100% certain, and you have evidence, then confront your wife ASAP, Don't wait. You already know she's deceiving you and possibly more. An EA is still an affair, make no mistake!

Also, you sound unusually calm for someone who just discovered their spouse is having an affair, worrying about contacting the AP? personally, I wanted to confront my wife first and yell, scream, hit things etc.
 

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Broken is right.

Unless you're prepared to get physical with the guy (and go to jail) confronting him won't do it.

And Betrayed is right.

If you have solid proof, confront and be prepared to lose the marriage in order to save it.

If you don't have 100% proof get it.

With good evidence in hand you can confront but if you make a threat, divorce, you must be prepared to follow through . If she calls your bluff you'll just appear weak.

Gather evidence. Look around here for the methods.
 

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I texted the OM a few months after, he tried to deny it but after I told him some of the things she confessed to he was very apologetic. Mainly I was just trying to confirm some of the things she had told me and he was able to do that. Didn't make it very much better after all he knew she was married and went ahead anyhow so how fu*king sorry can you be.
 

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I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.

I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.

That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder! ;)
 

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Just proves that a man who pursues a married woman is a POS



I texted the OM a few months after, he tried to deny it but after I told him some of the things she confessed to he was very apologetic. Mainly I was just trying to confirm some of the things she had told me and he was able to do that. Didn't make it very much better after all he knew she was married and went ahead anyhow so how fu*king sorry can you be.
 

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My wife's ex-bf from 30+ years ago contacted her last year. Nothing was going on between them last year, though back when we first got married 30 years ago she was still "carrying a torch" for him. Had the internet or cell phones existed back then it would have been a full on EA I'm sure. But he got his hooks in her last year with one message. It was an obvious fishing expedition on his part with a little flirtiness to it.

She never escalated beyond that message (that I have ever discovered), but she strongly resisted deleting and blocking him from her FB. She is still pissed about it!

Helolover, if you have any good suspicions of a PA then my opinion is to gather more evidence. Go full bore on the electronic intel gathering. This should take only a few days to get confirmation of an affair if it is happening. Then you can confront with solid evidence.

It is odd to me, but people in an affair will deny that you know of their affair even when you present them with a smoking gun. And they will continue the affair. To blow up their affair you have to show them overwhelming evidence. If I were to have done something not so terrible which my wife didn't know about (put a ding in her car for example), and she even hinted that she knew of "something", I would be an emotional wreck and I'd be admitting every transgression. But the cheater? Nope, they will deny it until you flood them with proof.

If you suspect an EA only, I would nuke it fast before it can get any worse. Gather as much data as you can in a day. Texting history, FB messages, cell phone call history, etc. Then tell her what she is doing is an EA, and you will not tolerate this behavior in your marriage.

You have to be ready to back that one up with actions, including talking to a lawyer and filing for divorce. With luck she is shocked out of the EA by your initial confrontation. This is a tricky thing because you need enough to shock her but you don't want to waste any time where she could get deeper into the EA.
 

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I talked to the MOW on the phone twice and via email once (she called me instead of writing an email). I was calm and spoke without emotion. All she could say was it was stupid and she was sorry. When asked for more information, she only asked what he told me. So I got basicly I got nowhere with her. Her sorry did not even sound sincere. Oh, she did say that her husband knew. Yep he knew, but not about the videos, pics and her extensive plans. I busted her. But he continues to put up with 6+ yrs of cheating with multiple guys.

My favorite line on the first call:

Me "Is this J------"
her "Yes"
Me "Nice video of you fingering your P****"
her - complete silence
 

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Mate, you are far behind. Prepare to kindle the fire of your wrath, always keep your composure of course. Here is a little tip, all WS follow a script and most BS follow a bad script. Here is a little script from f102:



Originally Posted by F-102
It may have gone something like this:

They first start catching up, and it's all "How you been doing? What have you been up to?"

Then it would have morphed into talk about:

What they've been doing since they parted
Their significant others since they parted
Their families
Their favorite music, movies, etc.
Their spouses
You
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How she looks forward to their conversations all the time now
How she loves talking to him
How she gets "bored" talking to you
How you don't always listen
How you're not "perfect"
How you can be so insensitive sometimes
How she wonders if she would have stayed with him
How he understands her
How he knows how to make her feel good
How you fail at this
How you are such an a**hole
How she feels young again
How she hasn't felt this happy with you in so long
How he's a better man than you'll ever be
How she wants to see him again
How they can meet under the radar
How she's thought of leaving you
How she ever could have fallen for a jerk like you
How he's her soul mate
How she made a big mistake leaving him
How she made an even bigger mistake marrying you
How they were meant to be together...

...get the picture?
 

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I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.

I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.

That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder! ;)
You are my hero. One of the things that I am very regretful about is that I did not whip her ass. I still think about it everyday.
 

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I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.

I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.

That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder! ;)
I am glad you popped her. I wanted to pop the OW, too.

Still, it's not a good idea, if you live in the U.S.

The OW could have filed charges of assault against you and YOU would have ended up in jail.

It is not a crime in the U.S. to have an affair.

Assaulting anyone, even an OW, is a crime.
 

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My favorite line on the first call:

Me "Is this J------"
her "Yes"
Me "Nice video of you fingering your P****"
her - complete silence
Send the restricted certified to ensure he has to sign for it.

The OW wouldn't talk to me initially. Later he got curious and called me.

When, I showed the videos the Ow sent my STBEH, to the OW's husband he was on the warpath.
 

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It is odd to me, but people in an affair will deny that you know of their affair even when you present them with a smoking gun. And they will continue the affair. To blow up their affair you have to show them overwhelming evidence. If I were to have done something not so terrible which my wife didn't know about (put a ding in her car for example), and she even hinted that she knew of "something", I would be an emotional wreck and I'd be admitting every transgression. But the cheater? Nope, they will deny it until you flood them with proof.

.
:iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree::iagree:

I had so much evidence and it was just deny, deny, deny....until I called to find out what time the son's of his cousin's bday party was at that he'd allegedly gone to vegas with....then i had all that i needed....and popped him with the last bit of evidence, on his birthday lol. Even then he still tried making excuses until i started yelling which is totally unlike me. And he finally admitted to it.
 

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Send the restricted certified to ensure he has to sign for it.

The OW wouldn't talk to me initially. Later he got curious and called me.

When, I showed the videos the Ow sent my STBEH, to the OW's husband he was on the warpath.
I had hoped with my evil heart that the MOW's BS would blow up. But it was not to be. He was calm and collected. He even identified the ring on her hand in the video. LOL. Although he did ask me to destroy the pics and videos. I haven't and won't until I am ready. I don't look at them anymore, but like having the upperhand.
 

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I tried to contact the OW by email and by phone and she never responded to any attempts. I dont know if I would have felt better about talking to her or not but Im sure she would have just denied anything and just pissed me off more.

I did run into her at my husbands softball game, where she shouldnt have been but was hanging out in the background trying to be unnoticed. We had just seperated a couple of days before and she wanted to "see him play" (his words). I had helped him put the softball team together and many of the people on the teams were MY friends also. She probably **** her pants when I showed up. I walked up to her, stood beside her and told her she had some nerve showing up here. She told me she didnt expect me to be there. I told her she should be careful because I might be anywhere. Then I asked her why she thinks she can believe everything my husband tells her because obviously he is lying to both of us. She said "I dont have to listen to this" and started to walk away. At that point something took me over and I popped her in the face. She grabbed my hair and it was on. Took a couple of people to pull us apart, because I refused to quit reaching around the guy and punch her....all while my sweet husband was on the softball field watching because he was on base..HA! She quickly left, he left the game not far behind her and everyone on the team surrounded me with support.

That felt good but now that I think back on it I wish I would have hit her harder! ;)
I would have loved to get my hands on the MOW. I would have beat the crap out of her, not just for me but for my kids, her kids and her husband.
 

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I had hoped with my evil heart that the MOW's BS would blow up. But it was not to be. He was calm and collected. He even identified the ring on her hand in the video. LOL. Although he did ask me to destroy the pics and videos. I haven't and won't until I am ready. I don't look at them anymore, but like having the upperhand.
Definitely don't destroy them.

The fact that he was calm and collected with you means nothing other than he may be good at acting calm and cool when blindsided.

He was likely upset, if he was human.
 

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Definitely don't destroy them.

The fact that he was calm and collected with you means nothing other than he may be good at acting calm and cool when blindsided.

He was likely upset, if he was human.
Naw....I think he has just accepted what their relationship is. She is a serial cheater. He blames her background. He even told me how sorry he was that she had the affair with my husband. His sorry was more sincere then hers. So sad.
 

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Discussion Starter #20
thanks everyone for the replies. you ask good questions, and I didn't give a lot of info to start, but that's me I suppose.

for those interested in a bit of background, please read on. I am a military member currently stationed away from my family. we did this on purpose so the kids could keep their infrastructure, activities, schools, etc. Especially since I'll be returning to that location in a few years. It's only a 3.5 hour drive. I return every weekend. Trying to keep things as normal as possible with the kids. Ages 15, 13, 9.

In doing this family structure, my wife has started to go her own way. So, to answer a lot of the questions asked: I am pretty calm. It's been a trickle discovery that is finally coming to a head now. So, I've really had all summer to lose my mind. It's coming back together now, but I think its aged me. I was uber pissed in May, but now since I am finding out more, and see there was more to it then I thought, I am just disgusted more with the ongoing revelations and discoveries more than anything. I just want to tell the dude she's all his. If he only knew the real her, he would run, but I don't think he's very sharp.

@Cleanjerksnatch: Yep. You're probably right.

@TDSC60: Good question: I don't want her back after an AP. I know a lot of people reconcile, and that's good for them, but I just don't want to be her sloppy seconds. Her crawling back to me after he's done. I don't want to be a cuckold.

So, I continue to gather evidence for the confrontation. It's text messages. I don't want to bust into her email or FB or do anything construed to be illegal. I have a very decent career and I don't want it marred by this.

I just feel bad for my kids. I don't understand why husbands and wives run around on each other.

Anyways, thanks for listening. Not sure what contacting OM would do for me, other than to hear why he pursued her.
 
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