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Contacted by OM or ...

10866 Views 57 Replies 34 Participants Last post by  nevergoback, 
N
I need some help! I cheated on my boyfriend in January 2011. We had been together for 5 years. D day for boyfriend, by contact from OMW, was in August 2011. I confessed and trickle truthed for about 2 weeks. I have serious painful remorse. I will never ever cheat again. Did counseling, worked out a bunch of personal issues. We are doing extremely great with reconciliation. On the third week after D day, I knew I needed to take major drastic necessary changes in my life to make sure he understood my resolve to never f### up again. I deleted fb, I sold my personal phone and account, I changed any behavior that could lead to or promote having any type of physical affair or emotional affair. I have complete disclosure and there is nothing I am afraid to share with my Boyfriend.... until last night at 6pm. I received an email through my WORK Directory "send an email feature" that INFURIATES me!! Details:
From an email I have never seed and a tag "a Friend" (my ass)
Subject "Hello" (wtf)
Message (copy/paste): "I know it have been a very long time,and I do not want to disrupt your life any more that I did in the past. i just wanted to check on you and hope you are well. I am sorry for any pain and disruption I may have caused or those connected to me may have caused."

AHRGGGGGGHHHHH! I hate that I had an affair! Here is my problem I need help with. During the the first few months of reconciliation my boyfriend told me "you better tell me if he ever contacts you again." I am so mad I am bawling. This email pisses me off to no end because we are doing so great and by telling my boyfriend about this email it will open old wounds for him. I am not naive in thinking that he has forgotten or that the memory doesn't creep into his mind at times. The shame and sorrow creeps into mine. I want to delete the email and never tell but I feel there is issue in that and feel sneaky even thinking about it. I think of all the what if scenarios.
What if: it's my boyfriend sending it just checking to see if I am remaining true to our pact?
What if: it's the OMW is sending it? She played a few mind games with my boyfriend during her contact with him. I know because he let me read everything that was communicated to him, even the 5 page letter from her H and his deception in explaining his 5 affairs. After I read most of them I felt sorry for her and him because there were many things that I knew he was still lying to her about. I understood the desperation and needs she had and I also know that she is capable of this. She set up voice activated recorders on her H, she contacted his employer, there were all kinds of things she did to get to the bottom of their problem. She has every right to be angry with me and hate me for the rest of her life. My fear is that if I delete and don't say anything. She will contact my boyfriend to let him know "her H" contacted me.

If it is the OM I could care less. I have no feelings toward him or a need to respond for his behalf or anything of the sort.

My only concern is that I do the right thing with this email.

I THINK the right thing is to let my boyfriend know but I worry that he didn't really want to know if the OM made contact but rather that I make contact back. My boyfriend said a lot of things at different stages and a lot of things he took back before I reacted, then on some things when I reacted or did what he originally asked, he got angry about me doing what he asked, admitted that he had asked it but let me know he changed his mind. So I am worried that this is one of those things.

Please help!
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Plan 9 from OS
Show him the e-mail. This way, he can know that you are working to rebuild his trust in you.

Actually, the who or why of the e-mail is irrelevant. For all you know, your BF may have sent the e-mail to you as a test. Or it may be the OM fishing to see if he can get the affair started up again. But the bottom line is trust. If you vow to be transparent, then do it. It's as simple as that.
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Almostrecovered
yes tell him immediately

I know you fear it will hurt him further and dredge up old feelings again and while in the short term this may be true to an extent, in the long run it helps him heal knowing that you are vigilant in adhering to good boundaries and want demonstrate transparency and express how you want NC

in fact I suggest you ask him if hewould like you to reply with a NC letter if it hasn't been done already. There is a template in the newbie link in my signature.


also- imagine if he found out about the email and you didn't tell him. That is BY FAR more damaging than telling him would ever be.
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walkonmars
Tell him immediately. He might be mad but hewill be grateful you told him.
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Toffer
Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!

Tell your bf right now!!!!!!!!!!!
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D
You absolutely must tell him. Most likely you will end up telling him in the future he will wonder why you didn't tell him right away creating further trust issues.

the response to the email needs to be a NC letter.


Please go tell him now
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Almostrecovered
btw- this is what we call "fishing"

your OM is sending out a seemingly innocent email to you in the hope it will start up the relationship again
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D
Totally agree
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P
You made your BF a promise. Now make good that promise and let him see how angry you are that the other party has sent you a mail when you clearly feel that you have left that event in your life way behind, that you feel like the other person is trying to stir up a situation that you dont want and have no will or reason to go there ever again. Let him see it and let him see you respond with a curt rebuke telling the other party to drop dead (or words that fit the feelings you have about this). Then let him see you block this contatc from your account. Be open and transparent. If your BF did send it then thats not right but I understand if hes testing the resolve of your word not to communicate and to report any attempt to speak with you. If its the other parties partner than they will see your not in the business of wanting anything more to do with them.

The main thing here is that your BF feels confident that you were open and that the trust hes building is bring done so on an honest open relationship. He may get upset that someone he naturally hates appears to be tempting you away. Thats going to be natural and yyou have to accept and understand that reaction. Its about how he percieves your reaction to the mail and the fact that you are, as it appears here really pi$$ed the OM is trying to open communication. DONT WAIT, act immeadiatley so that your BF sees your clearly upfront and open.
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Plan 9 from OS said:
Show him the e-mail. This way, he can know that you are working to rebuild his trust in you.

Actually, the who or why of the e-mail is irrelevant. For all you know, your BF may have sent the e-mail to you as a test. Or it may be the OM fishing to see if he can get the affair started up again. But the bottom line is trust. If you vow to be transparent, then do it. It's as simple as that.
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:iagree:

Sums it up perfectly.
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Lon
I don't get the problem, you say you want to be transparent, your bf has said he wants you to be transparent, so be transparent. This is an opportunity to rebuild trust, so why even hesitate (unless you are ail hiding other truths).
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LetDownNTX
nevergoback said:
I need some help! I cheated on my boyfriend in January 2011. We had been together for 5 years. D day for boyfriend, by contact from OMW, was in August 2011. I confessed and trickle truthed for about 2 weeks. I have serious painful remorse. I will never ever cheat again. Did counseling, worked out a bunch of personal issues. We are doing extremely great with reconciliation. On the third week after D day, I knew I needed to take major drastic necessary changes in my life to make sure he understood my resolve to never f### up again. I deleted fb, I sold my personal phone and account, I changed any behavior that could lead to or promote having any type of physical affair or emotional affair. I have complete disclosure and there is nothing I am afraid to share with my Boyfriend.... until last night at 6pm. I received an email through my WORK Directory "send an email feature" that INFURIATES me!! Details:
From an email I have never seed and a tag "a Friend" (my ass)
Subject "Hello" (wtf)
Message (copy/paste): "I know it have been a very long time,and I do not want to disrupt your life any more that I did in the past. i just wanted to check on you and hope you are well. I am sorry for any pain and disruption I may have caused or those connected to me may have caused."

AHRGGGGGGHHHHH! I hate that I had an affair! Here is my problem I need help with. During the the first few months of reconciliation my boyfriend told me "you better tell me if he ever contacts you again." I am so mad I am bawling. This email pisses me off to no end because we are doing so great and by telling my boyfriend about this email it will open old wounds for him. I am not naive in thinking that he has forgotten or that the memory doesn't creep into his mind at times. The shame and sorrow creeps into mine. I want to delete the email and never tell but I feel there is issue in that and feel sneaky even thinking about it. I think of all the what if scenarios.
What if: it's my boyfriend sending it just checking to see if I am remaining true to our pact?
What if: it's the OMW is sending it? She played a few mind games with my boyfriend during her contact with him. I know because he let me read everything that was communicated to him, even the 5 page letter from her H and his deception in explaining his 5 affairs. After I read most of them I felt sorry for her and him because there were many things that I knew he was still lying to her about. I understood the desperation and needs she had and I also know that she is capable of this. She set up voice activated recorders on her H, she contacted his employer, there were all kinds of things she did to get to the bottom of their problem. She has every right to be angry with me and hate me for the rest of her life. My fear is that if I delete and don't say anything. She will contact my boyfriend to let him know "her H" contacted me.

If it is the OM I could care less. I have no feelings toward him or a need to respond for his behalf or anything of the sort.

My only concern is that I do the right thing with this email.

I THINK the right thing is to let my boyfriend know but I worry that he didn't really want to know if the OM made contact but rather that I make contact back. My boyfriend said a lot of things at different stages and a lot of things he took back before I reacted, then on some things when I reacted or did what he originally asked, he got angry about me doing what he asked, admitted that he had asked it but let me know he changed his mind. So I am worried that this is one of those things.

Please help!
Click to expand...
Although it might be hard to tell him because you dont want to pour salt in the wound you have to tell him. Do not reply to the email. Tell him you receieved it, you are not replying and you wanted to show it to him. Let him see it, dont just tell him! If he wants you to reply, then reply, if not delete it and move on. If you dont tell him and he finds out later its going to be far worse then you telling him!!

Good luck!!
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M
Yes, please tell him. If I were him, I know I'd want to know -- and know straight from your own words and actions. Definitely not second-hand.
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Maricha75
Tell him. As AR said, this is fishing. It doesn't matter who sent it, really. What matters is keeping things open and honest with your BF.
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nevergoback said:
I THINK the right thing is to let my boyfriend know but I worry that he didn't really want to know if the OM made contact but rather that I make contact back. My boyfriend said a lot of things at different stages and a lot of things he took back before I reacted, then on some things when I reacted or did what he originally asked, he got angry about me doing what he asked, admitted that he had asked it but let me know he changed his mind. So I am worried that this is one of those things.

Please help!
Click to expand...
A good analogy is that this is like physical therapy. You have a leg that has been damaged. After doing the work to repair it, you have to take the time and go through the steps to strengthen it and continue the repair. Yeah, it hurts at the time, but the long term benefits make it worth it.

This is one of those times. Tell him.
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N
He asked me this morning if I was ok because he said I looked anguished and asked me if there was something He should apologize for.. I assured him that it was nothing He did.. but I was ok.

Thank you all... I just called and let him know I was "not ok" and told him I hated this but I had an email to forward to him. He said ok. I sent it. He called me back and said, is that all? I said yes. He said delete it, don't respond. I did.

Thank you all very much for your input. I truly feel Incredibly better. I know that was the right thing to do I just needed a little push over the fear. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
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A++
nevergoback said:
On the third week after D day, I knew I needed to take major drastic necessary changes in my life to make sure he understood my resolve to never f### up again. I deleted fb, I sold my personal phone and account, I changed any behavior that could lead to or promote having any type of physical affair or emotional affair.
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How did he know your email address? :rolleyes:
Are you using your old email address? if yes, why don't you change your email address,
or block the OM's emails?
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A++ said:
How did he know your email address? :rolleyes:
Are you using your old email address? if yes, why don't you change your email address,
or block the OM's emails?
Click to expand...
The only contact information I have from that time frame is my job info. Where I work (over 10,000 employees) there is a public directory. I have a fairly prominent position and my name is listed in there for anyone to find internal and external. When you look up my name.. it brings up my business information and there is a link under that. It says: Send (me) an email? When the link is clicked it opens an online form and clicking submit sends an automated email through my Work Server. It is actually how the OMW contacted my boyfriend because we both work at the same place.

My boyfriend has every password and is the actual owner of our shared account email.
He even has the password to my work computer which I often take home and leave open or just lying around in case he would like to look through it. I promise, there is complete disclosure of everything possible.
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JCD
nevergoback said:
He asked me this morning if I was ok because he said I looked anguished and asked me if there was something He should apologize for.. I assured him that it was nothing He did.. but I was ok.

Thank you all... I just called and let him know I was "not ok" and told him I hated this but I had an email to forward to him. He said ok. I sent it. He called me back and said, is that all? I said yes. He said delete it, don't respond. I did.

Thank you all very much for your input. I truly feel Incredibly better. I know that was the right thing to do I just needed a little push over the fear. Thank you Thank you Thank you!
Click to expand...
I had something similar. I got contacted by the OW. My feeling was of dread and anxiety. I hated feeling that way.

I told my wife that second (she was in the room). She was pretty cool with it. She's a saint in some ways. (not all ;) )
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Almostrecovered
now I suggest you be proactive and demonstrate your remorse tonight when you are together again. Do something nice for him if he wants it.
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