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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Me and hubz had a recurring issue come up today.

It's not a dealbreaker but it is something that comes up most weeks. Hubz has made promises to change this behaviour but it keeps recurring.

It happened today. I briefly mentioned it but haven't addressed it yet in any way - partly because a) he is fully aware of my feelings on the matter and b) I am very keen to be constructive in handling this.

What is the way to handle issues where one spouse is firmly entrenched in their views and won't budge? I have offered various levels of compromise to meet both our needsand he has refused.

I have been reading John Gottman and the Seven Principles. I understand about accepting him and I understand completely why it is happening. Thus suggesting a halfway house which means we both get what we want.

Trouble is hubz won't even consider this. Like I say he knows my feelings and is trying to cast judgement on WHEN I should and should not feel aggreived. I am really concerned that handled the wrong way this will continue as an ongoing issue where I feel I am just not listened to or that my feelings matter - which was the cause of a huge blow-out the other week that almost led to us separating.

So how do I handle it when I get why it is happening and want us both to be happy but he is stwadfastly refusing to reach a compromise?
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The only "constructive" thing you can do is realize that he is who he is - someone who isn't going to compromise. You can ask him if the issue is more important than your marriage and see if that will wake him up, but you have not said what the issue is and you'd also need to answer that question.

You say it's not a dealbreaker. If that's true, let him have his way. Otherwise, treat it as a dealbreaker or be prepared to keep arguing and losing.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Sorry, I realise this is pretty abstract without sharing specifics, but tbh I know this kind of general advice would be useful in other issues as well.

I am really keen to break old patterns of behaviour and obviously I can only deal with ME. There is a lingering feeling of feeling like my opinions aren't valid or important to him and I really want to know how to stop harbouring resentment. I am really bad with this at times. I did practice forgiveness when he had an EA but being honest it isn't something I've done in everyday life. I tend to feel wronged for a long time and it eats away at me.
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Sorry, I realise this is pretty abstract without sharing specifics, but tbh I know this kind of general advice would be useful in other issues as well.

I am really keen to break old patterns of behaviour and obviously I can only deal with ME. There is a lingering feeling of feeling like my opinions aren't valid or important to him and I really want to know how to stop harbouring resentment. I am really bad with this at times. I did practice forgiveness when he had an EA but being honest it isn't something I've done in everyday life. I tend to feel wronged for a long time and it eats away at me.
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I know you're mixing some different events here and not saying what, specifically your issue is over. That being said, I don't think that disagreeing, or him thinking you shouldn't be upset or disturbed about something that disturbs you is a matter of him not respecting your opinions.

For instance... My wife wants to tell me what she'd do about various business matters of mine. And then gets offended if I don't do it that way. It's the "you don't value what I say" argument because I don't change my mind and do it as she says it should be done.

I'm hoping this is both abstract and concrete enough of an example... in this case, respecting her opinion is about respecting HER, not being in lockstep agreement.

We tend to view our own thoughts as the ultimate in objectively true or worthy views on whatever it is. And, people's failure to agree nags at us, because we have the gut instinct to think that if we argue it long enough, they'll see the light we see and agree with us.

If this is the kind of issue that's going on... I'd have to say that it's you that needs to develop a little more self-worth in your opinions, not the arrogance of being right, but by not feeling in any way threatened by someone seeing it differently.

I take it you disagree over something that actually bothers you. And, he thinks you should not be. On an item at a time basis you could just formally agree to disagree... YOu could ask him to make the issue moot by not making it an issue. "Could we put this on the back burner, not push it for now, since we can't agree?"

And if it's some act or behavior or issue that's recurring, and you disagree on whether it should matter, you can ask for deference to your views. It might take a bit for him to get the habit of not invoking it, but there seems to be adequate reward for little risk in that.
 

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I guess I'd have to say the same thing to both of you:

Consider what is a reasonable amount of influence for a person to have on their partner and respond accordingly.

Tobio, if you want to have more influence, you'll need to find a way to command that respect. If he doesn't value you as you are, then you'll have to become the kind of person he values in order to gain that influence. Does that mean having sex more often? Does it mean refusing to accept bad behavior? Making more decisions for yourself without relying on his opinion?

OG, I've already described in your other posts how I think your wife's perceptions of how much influence is necessary is deeply skewed. You have to let her cope with her own unhappiness and learn for herself without taking it personally. Easier said than done, but accepting her influence to a degree that's hurting you is no better than not accepting any influence.

It has been proven that people in happy marriages rate the importance of influence very highly, so don't ignore it, but don't let unrealistic expectations damage the relationship, either.
 

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I

OG, I've already described in your other posts how I think your wife's perceptions of how much influence is necessary is deeply skewed. You have to let her cope with her own unhappiness and learn for herself without taking it personally. Easier said than done, but accepting her influence to a degree that's hurting you is no better than not accepting any influence.

It has been proven that people in happy marriages rate the importance of influence very highly, so don't ignore it, but don't let unrealistic expectations damage the relationship, either.
I'm trying to be patient right now. Once the surgery is done and a week or two have gone by, and the narcotic painkillers are no longer required to function... I might have a better wife back, after some healing and recovering time.

At least I've got some hope that this will help. I KNOW that finally getting this done is going to change her point of view immensely - this has been a staggering burden to both of us. To her, it's been a discouragement hard to even imagine, to me, it's been a huge level of uncertainty and a lot of frustration as she takes out her anxiety in ways that's probably not been healthy.

But, finally, we won in court, her injury will get repaired, and the healing can begin.
 

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Over seven sessions of the course you will discover practical tools to help you:

Understand each other’s needs
Communicate more effectively
Grow closer through resolving conflict
Heal the ways you’ve hurt each other
Recognise how your upbringing affects your relationship

Improve relationships with parents and in-laws
Develop greater sexual intimacy
Discover each other’s love languages and much, much more!


All to be found at Relationship Central: Find out More

The course is free and runs in England.
 

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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
Kathy, I'm not sure what it would take for him to respect me more. I know for a long while I have been co-dependent and have been working hard to overcome that. I tentatively think that maybe a combination og having a bit more stuff just for me and that confidence in myself would help. Again I am working on all of this.

OG it's more that I'd like to feel he understands. I don't expect him to drop everything to cater to my feelings every time. He really lacks empathy even though he says he IS full of empathy. He admits he wants his own way. I offer compromises which he refuses. I feel like I am the one who has to make way for his opinions a lot. I ofte wonder if I said we were doing what I wanted and that is that, how HE would react to that.

Bob, I've searched but can't seem to find details of courses here in England?
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Hi Tobio, Google “The Marriage Course” domain “.uk”.

Here are some of the results ….

The Marriage Course | HTB Church
The Marriage Course - The Marriage Course - Tonbridge Baptist Church
https://twitter.com/Marriage_Course
Marriage Course Launched to Churches Across the UK for St. Valentine's Day
St Aldates Church - Marriage Course
The Marriage Course — Myton Church
The Marriage Course : Thornton Methodist Church


I think you’ll find it best to go into your local churches and ask. Try the different denominations in your locality. You’ll find them all warm, friendly and very helpful. Do not in any way fear these people. They believe in marriage and will most certainly want to help a family with four children.


The “mountain” will all face with problems in our marriage are the two egos, your ego and your husband’s ego. Basically because neither of you are really experienced or an authority. So you both “stand your ground” in your own ego bound ways and just stay trapped in somewhat dysfunctional behaviour.

You need someone to present you with a vision you can both agree on and align yourselves to. And then you need that person to “show you the way” or lead you part way there so you can take over the reigns (the two of you) within your marriage. They’ll teach you how to fish so you can feed yourselves.
 
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