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My wife easily explodes. The air might shift in the room, and it'll set her off like a nuclear bomb.

To make matters worse, she won't see a doctor to check her hormones (she's 45.5yrs old) nor has she ever. I am evil for suggesting it.

She always screamed a lot, but now it's getting worse all the time.

This is all so disappointing.

I was supposed to be happy with my partner.

Now all she does is pick, complain, and command.

I don't want to have to "get through" this. I don't deserve this.

But I asked for it. She's been like this for a long time. It's become her habit. She learned it long long ago.
 

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I know that you're going through a tough spell with her... And she is also going through a tough spell with herself... Have you tried talking to her and listening sympathetically? It's true that no one deserves this kind of treatment, but perhaps be open to the idea that there is something she's unhappy about with the relationship. You said it's gotten worse lately (and perhaps want to pin it on hormones or menopause?) Have you been able to pinpoint an incident that might have lead to this?

Just a few ideas. :)
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You've taught her how to treat you. I'm guessing that when she blows up, you let her have her way, or drop whatever conversation you were having?

I'd start by looking at the Married Mans Sex Life and No More Mr. Nice Guy. Learn to stop letting her mood and attitude determine YOUR happiness. No matter what the future holds, that's a good thing to learn.

C
 

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And well, I am a wicked man when I need to be. You trained her that this is ok. Just guessing, but you withdraw and find yourself apologetic for upsetting her? Change tactics. Make her doing that approach very, very uncomfortable for her.

A couple methods:
The village idiot. Remember that scene in Platoon where the mentally disabled kid just sort of smiles goofy? Be that guy. Picture her in a gorilla suit pounding her chest. Play the overly dramatic martyr. Basically do not let it torque you off. I use comedy for my own personal jollies sometimes just escalating to see how far she’ll go. Drives her batty when I do this..... but she doesn’t get her way. Never let her get her way with a demeaning approach. Put her in a situation where she will have to adjust how she gets what she wants.

The crazy train. Just snap and rage back. Hop on board and be the conductor. I’ll bet she’ll turn something like loading the dishwasher “wrong” into a marriage crisis? It isn’t; you know this. It is a dumb argument where it’s more about her blowing off steam and raging. Rip her apart. Learn to get mean about it. If she wants a whipping post, you aren’t that unless she learns to ask it of you.... All that frustration you have to have inside; Let it out. Feels good. Dig up the skeletons, bodies, and go for the throat. When this becomes your ‘normal’ reaction to her attacks, she also isn’t getting what she wants and will need to adjust because she will remember how vicious you can be in a fight. Carrot and stick.

When the fight is over, then use compassion and reason. Tell her how her attacks are ripping you apart and do hurt. How you are beginning to dread being around her and resentment is growing. So, you aren’t going to handle it like a doormat anymore and cave in just because it bothers you to see her so angry.

My wife and I just sort of “evolved” our fights. We own our insanity that allows our emotions to override reason. If we’re about to “pop” we usually give each other the forewarning. It isn’t about the subject of the fight, it is about raging for rage itself. I accept this and don’t take it personally (if she doesn’t cross the line). Our fights can get into the ludicrous zone where I’m an overly dramatic whipping post of support and understanding... She can be passionate about this anger, but gets it now that it’s a whole series of pent up stuff that needs released. Why she even picks something silly is because rationally she knows it isn’t bad, but emotionally things have spiraled and gotten blown out of proportion. Rather than bottle it... let it out.

We often laugh and joke about these fights later. Two weeks ago, we had a knock down fight when I asked “where is my sandwich?” and she’d given it all to her family and reacted really bad. I got angry over this because I was really hungry and knew I had a delicious sandwich in the fridge... Stupid subject, good rage time. These fights help us bond because they allow for insanity and acceptance that ‘reason’ isn’t always there. It’s accepting each other at a higher level. I even go over how my mind steps and dominoes the situation. (She’s starting to do this too) Who else would you let see you get insane over a freaking sandwich and still laugh about it and think of it in endearing terms?
 

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I agree, if she has been like this for a long time then i don't think you can blame hormones. Shes just a b^+ch. You have allowed her to treat you badly, now she treats you worse. She is disrespecting you, and you need stand up for yourself.

I second the suggestion to read "The Married Man's Sex Life Primer" by Athol Kay, it's interesting reading. I also suggest reading "His Needs, Her Needs" by Dr. Harley.

I suggest you buy a VAR, keep it on you at all times. That way the next time she "explodes" record it, Put it on your computer and play for her - but don't tell her that it's the two of you....just ask her to listen to it. (Maybe she doesnt realize how awful she is and she will be ashamed of herself.)
Then you can demand either she gets help or you are out.
 
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