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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I have been with my wife for almost ten years and we have a 3 years kid as well. Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my wife. I do not feel happy when I am with her and that causes me to feel irrelated and short-tempered. We no longer share a bed and talk very less. I feel like I am forcing myself to love her. I am not sure how long I can keep this going. I am slowly losing the ability to make a good environment for my kid to grow up in. I did not have a good childhood and don't want to have my kid go through the same phase I did.
I am here cause I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else.
 

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Sounds like you don’t like her, at all! I’m not clear on why you haven’t initiated the divorce.

Is there any chance you’re irritated, snappy, not talking, not sharing a bed because you want her to take the first steps? Be honest here.

You mention you didn’t have a great childhood and are losing the ability to create a good environment. Well that’s what the kids are living with: a father who behaves terrible towards the mother, doesn’t want to be near her.

How do you feel about what this is doing to them, given you went through an awful childhood yourself?

They must be feeling very sorry for their mother? It’s not a good thing for a parent to put upon their kids, it’s horrible for them to watch.

So what’s the reason you haven’t already divorced? What you’re doing is currently cowardly, to all concerned. I’m sorry you went through that too, so it should have helped you be better towards all concerned.

Do you have a plan for the future, at all? What will your new living arrangements be, if you’ve planned that far ahead? What active and responsible steps will you take soon?

It’s probably a good thing to share with your family too, or friends. Pick a really good person you look up to who can help see things rationally. Someone who interacts with both of you regularly.

And don’t force yourself to love her. If it’s not there, she could be happy with someone to whom it comes naturally. That’s pretty fair. What do you think?
 

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I have been with my wife for almost ten years and we have a 3 years kid as well. Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my wife. I do not feel happy when I am with her and that causes me to feel irrelated and short-tempered. We no longer share a bed and talk very less. I feel like I am forcing myself to love her. I am not sure how long I can keep this going. I am slowly losing the ability to make a good environment for my kid to grow up in. I did not have a good childhood and don't want to have my kid go through the same phase I did.
I am here cause I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else.

It happens.

You cannot force an authentic emotion, or emotional response.

It's just not there for you.

This relationship has run it's course.

It's okay. These things happen. It's nothing to be ashamed of..or embarrassed by.

It's life. These things happen.

Both of you deserve someone that you are equally compatibility with. It's not each other.


Proceed with the divorce.
Co parent.
Use this time to work on yourself before perhaps getting into another relationship.


Learn to respect and love yourself more, so hopefully this won't happen again.....


The trapping and forcing yourself to be in a relationship with a person that you aren't compatible with....


The producing children with this person.....
 

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Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my wife
You do not explain, but what is it that you feel is making the disconnect?

I do not feel happy when I am with her and that causes me to feel irrelated and short-tempered.
has her behavior towards you becomes antagonistic, or is it you that upon seeing her you feel negative towards her? has her physical appearance change so much that you feel turn-off by her presence? is that it?


I am slowly losing the ability to make a good environment for my kid to grow up in.
This is completely on you, you can't blame your wife, or your perceive grievances to unload in such a way that it already might be affecting your children. You need to look within yourself to resolve this issue.


I did not have a good childhood and don't want to have my kid go through the same phase I did.
Again, you need to look within yourself to find out what is it that is driving you to behave in such a way that you feel that history is repeating itself. Have you though about seeking professional help?


We no longer share a bed and talk very less
Why? is it you, her, or both?

I feel like I am forcing myself to love her.
You can't force to feel anything for anybody. You either love someone, or you don't. "forcing" is just a misnomer to continue in the same situation without having to have the guts to do what you think is what you need to do.

Again, explain what is it that is causing you to dislike your wife so much? is it physical, emotional, or Is it behavioral? your behavior or her behavior?

You need to explain to yourself what is it, in order to move forward with a solution toward solving the problem (s) in the marriage, or moving forward with the ending of it.
 

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I have been with my wife for almost ten years and we have a 3 years kid as well. Lately, I have been feeling disconnected from my wife. I do not feel happy when I am with her and that causes me to feel irrelated and short-tempered. We no longer share a bed and talk very less. I feel like I am forcing myself to love her. I am not sure how long I can keep this going. I am slowly losing the ability to make a good environment for my kid to grow up in. I did not have a good childhood and don't want to have my kid go through the same phase I did.
I am here cause I don't feel comfortable sharing with anyone else.
I agree with @Rob_1 that there is a lot more to your story that you haven't shared. What is causing you to feel this way? Why aren't you and your wife sleeping together? Why are you taking your irritation out on your wife?

It sounds like there are thing you can do to resolve the issues in your marriage. Someone has to go first. Why not you?
I recommend that you read or listen to a book by John Gottman and Nan Silver. What Makes Love Last, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. This book explains how to have a healthy marriage. What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal: Gottman Ph.D., John, Silver, Nan: 9781451608472: Amazon.com: Books
Based on the little you have said, it is probably better to find what has gone wrong in your marriage and working to resolve those problems. Something drew the two of you together in the first place. I find that working through difficulty is a much better way to raise kids than to give up and blow up their family instead. You may not be doing the same things that your parents did, but that doesn't mean what you are doing is any better.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Apology for the late reply, I am just confused as to what I want to do with this relationship that appears to be slowly dying. And Yes, I do feel that I am a coward for not initiating a divorce. I am scared that how my kid would grow up with divorced parents.
I believe the disconnect between us started when I started to see how incompatible we are. It seems like we have grown to be different people than what we used to be. Also as mentioned her physical appearance changes and seems to be turned off. She was always overweight it never used to bother me previously and I am not sure how much it bothers me right now, but it does. My sleep is very thin, after we have a kid, I couldn’t sleep with our kid constantly moving. After that, I decided to live in a separate room. I haven’t shared these feelings with my wife yet so I am planning to have a talk. ATM I am thinking about how and what to say to her. I am not sure it will turn out ok Finger cross
 

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You, your wife, and your child were sharing a bed all night?
How old is your child?
You haven't spoken to your wife about any of this? How do you expect to have a decent relationship if you don't communicate about important matters? It's impossible to have a good marriage without discussing and working through issues. If you don't correct this, you'll take your dysfunction into any relationships you have and you'll never be happy for long.
If your wife's size didn't bother you before but you're losing attraction to her now, it's probably because you are disconnecting through lack of healthy communication and lack of physical and sexual intimacy.
These are things you can work on together. Read the book I linked to. It's available on audio as well as print.
Edit to add: I recommend that you read or listen to a book by John Gottman and Nan Silver. What Makes Love Last, by John Gottman and Nan Silver. This book explains how to have a healthy marriage. What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal: Gottman Ph.D., John, Silver, Nan: 9781451608472: Amazon.com: Books
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How about getting honest with your wife?
Tell her you are losing the loving feelings for her. Suggest that the child sleep in their own room and you two return to sleeping together.
See if that brings feelings of being closer to your wife before leaving her.

Let her know the situation is serious and things need to change in order to stay married.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
So I had a long talk with my wife and shared all my feelings towards her that have changed. She understands and also sees how it has been bothering me. Her main concern is how our child would handle him by herself. We agreed to try a marriage counselor as well.
if things go south, how can I help her to raise our kid? she is not sure if she can do it alone.
 

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OP, commit to counseling with the goal of giving your best shot at repairing your marriage. You can worry about what happens if that fails later. Good luck.
This is exactly what I was thinking.
Focus on building your marriage.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
No, I am not saying that I won't be there for her and my kid after the divorce. My kid would be living with her, so she would have to do most of the work no matter how helpful I try to be. Balancing household work, her work, and our baby is really tough. That's where my concern grew. How can I make her stronger for this?
 

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Balancing household work, her work, and our baby is really tough. That's where my concern grew. How can I make her stronger for this?
Simple. You do it instead of her.

Think about that...is there a reason your kid shouldn't live with you?

I'm not advocating for anything other than 50/50 but you need to get your mind out of the "It's her job" thinking. Child raising is BOTH your jobs.

And another thing...stop planning for failure.
Put your heart into marriage counseling!
Burn the ships!
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
I would happily take my kid with me but she wants to have his custody. We had a discussion about what would be the future if things doesn't work out well. She told me that she wants very minimum interaction with our kid but she is scared if she can do it alone or not. With that being said, I do not know how can I help her to be strong, that's where my post came in. I'm trying to fix what I have right now. Scheduling marriage counselor asap and see where it leads us. I am also searching for a book in the meantime as well but she keeps bringing up separation scenarios. Finger cross I'm putting high hopes on the counselor
 

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I'm trying to fix what I have right now. Scheduling marriage counselor asap and see where it leads us. I am also searching for a book..
I recommend read this book with your wife, "What Makes Love Last," by John Gottman and Nan Silver.
You two need to spend more time together. When our kids were little, once the children were in bed, we made time for each other. This is very important. I also recommend getting a babysitter and going out regularly. Do you have family that will watch your child? My husband and I do a lot of babysitting for our grandchildren. We feel it's important for a strong marriage. We want to support our children's marriages.

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
We do not have a babysitter but he goes to a learning center till 3 pm. We are both full-time workers, she works from home and I have to go to the office 3 days a week. I am planning to talk with my manager if I can work from home more often so I can spend more time with her when my kid is in the learning center.
 

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We do not have a babysitter but he goes to a learning center till 3 pm. We are both full-time workers, she works from home and I have to go to the office 3 days a week. I am planning to talk with my manager if I can work from home more often so I can spend more time with her when my kid is in the learning center.
This is a good idea, but I would also suggest you take your wife on dates. It doesn't have to be fancy, but it should be a time when your full attention is devoted to each other. During dates, there should be no negative talk or working through issues. It is a time to focus on each other in positive ways.
 
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