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Hi everyone,

I’ve been married for just over 8 years. My wife and I have been together for 10 years all up and we have two children (6 &3).

For about the last 18-24 months things have not been great between us. The intimacy, the flame has long since gone. We may have sex once every 6-8 weeks, in fact, I can’t remember the last time we did and when we do it’s pretty mundane and boring. We don’t talk, unless it’s about how each other’s day was, or how the kids are. And to be honest, when I look back at our relationship I can honestly say that it is not a partnership; I for one do not believe I am treated as an equal in this marriage.

Whilst I have had that nagging feeling that things have not been working well and that I am not happy in the marriage for that 18-24 month period, life has always been so busy with work and the kids, seeing family and friends. But with the lockdown it has given me time to reflect, whilst things between my wife have gotten worse!

Deep down I am pretty sure I want out of this marriage, that it is has run its course and it is time for a new chapter in our lives. But it is such a huge, life changing event and will impact others, most importantly my children. But then again, if my wife and I stay together then the kids are going to continue being brought up in an environment where they think this kind of relationship is ‘normal’. Whilst we are in lockdown nothing is going to happen, but when things start to get back to some form of normality I want to be ready to act.

Has anyone been throw this before? Any advice?
 

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Sounds like the 7 year itch. It's real.

Have you talked to your wife about all this?

It does not seem that there are any big problems in your relationship. Instead you two have drifted apart. Like many couples, you have not been focused on maintaining a strong relationship.

Two books that would help you rekindle the love and passion are: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They are written by Dr. Harley. Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. Then ask your wife to read them with you and do the work together with you and do the work.

You might also benefit from the two of you going to marriage counseling together.

My suggestion is that you try to rekindle your relationship before giving up on it. Give it 6 months. If things are not significantly better in 6 months, then filing for divorce makes sense. If it's getting better, give it another 6 months; and so forth.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together in quality time, just the two of you?
 

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Sounds like the 7 year itch. It's real.

Have you talked to your wife about all this?

It does not seem that there are any big problems in your relationship. Instead you two have drifted apart. Like many couples, you have not been focused on maintaining a strong relationship.

Two books that would help you rekindle the love and passion are: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They are written by Dr. Harley. Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. Then ask your wife to read them with you and do the work together with you and do the work.

You might also benefit from the two of you going to marriage counseling together.

My suggestion is that you try to rekindle your relationship before giving up on it. Give it 6 months. If things are not significantly better in 6 months, then filing for divorce makes sense. If it's getting better, give it another 6 months; and so forth.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together in quality time, just the two of you?
Hi everyone,

I’ve been married for just over 8 years. My wife and I have been together for 10 years all up and we have two children (6 &3).

For about the last 18-24 months things have not been great between us. The intimacy, the flame has long since gone. We may have sex once every 6-8 weeks, in fact, I can’t remember the last time we did and when we do it’s pretty mundane and boring. We don’t talk, unless it’s about how each other’s day was, or how the kids are. And to be honest, when I look back at our relationship I can honestly say that it is not a partnership; I for one do not believe I am treated as an equal in this marriage.

Whilst I have had that nagging feeling that things have not been working well and that I am not happy in the marriage for that 18-24 month period, life has always been so busy with work and the kids, seeing family and friends. But with the lockdown it has given me time to reflect, whilst things between my wife have gotten worse!

Deep down I am pretty sure I want out of this marriage, that it is has run its course and it is time for a new chapter in our lives. But it is such a huge, life changing event and will impact others, most importantly my children. But then again, if my wife and I stay together then the kids are going to continue being brought up in an environment where they think this kind of relationship is ‘normal’. Whilst we are in lockdown nothing is going to happen, but when things start to get back to some form of normality I want to be ready to act.

Has anyone been throw this before? Any advice?
I can relate. I’ve been married for 22 years and for a long time my husband and I had more of a business partnership than anything else. We have two children and we almost did divorce 4 years ago. We drifted apart and the connection died from the time major adult responsibilities like mortgages, raising a family came into play. All I can tell you is that my kids were lost, angry, confused and devastated at the time when we were splitting up. All normal feelings...but heartbreaking since as children they don’t get a say in their adult parents lives. That was the lesson I learned. It’s much more than me and my happiness that matters. I also learned that I’m responsible for my own happiness...no one else! Upon major reflection at the time, I was able to look back and see my poor attitude and discovered that it was no longer the person I wanted to be. I was miserable before by depending on others to make me happy. It’s an inside job that needs an overhaul buddy. Also, consider the fact that the world we live in revolves around work and acquisitions and with everything going on we are being forced to change into a gear that is completely out of the ordinary. That in itself causes a lot of anguish.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Sounds like the 7 year itch. It's real.

Have you talked to your wife about all this?

It does not seem that there are any big problems in your relationship. Instead you two have drifted apart. Like many couples, you have not been focused on maintaining a strong relationship.

Two books that would help you rekindle the love and passion are: "Love Busters" and "His Needs, Her Needs". They are written by Dr. Harley. Read them in that order and do the work that they suggest. Then ask your wife to read them with you and do the work together with you and do the work.

You might also benefit from the two of you going to marriage counseling together.

My suggestion is that you try to rekindle your relationship before giving up on it. Give it 6 months. If things are not significantly better in 6 months, then filing for divorce makes sense. If it's getting better, give it another 6 months; and so forth.

How many hours a week do you and your wife spend together in quality time, just the two of you?
Thanks for your advice. Like I said, it has been this way for 18-24 months. What would giving it another 6 months achieve? I mean, if the passion has long gone and we are like two ships passing in the night - and that is even in the current lockdown environment too, wouldn’t dragging this out just to more harm than good?

Both my wife and I know there are problems, you would have to be completely off point not to be able to pick up on the vibe in the relationship, yet neither of us are focussed on fixing things. People change right?
 

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Discussion Starter #5
I can relate. I’ve been married for 22 years and for a long time my husband and I had more of a business partnership than anything else. We have two children and we almost did divorce 4 years ago. We drifted apart and the connection died from the time major adult responsibilities like mortgages, raising a family came into play. All I can tell you is that my kids were lost, angry, confused and devastated at the time when we were splitting up. All normal feelings...but heartbreaking since as children they don’t get a say in their adult parents lives. That was the lesson I learned. It’s much more than me and my happiness that matters. I also learned that I’m responsible for my own happiness...no one else! Upon major reflection at the time, I was able to look back and see my poor attitude and discovered that it was no longer the person I wanted to be. I was miserable before by depending on others to make me happy. It’s an inside job that needs an overhaul buddy. Also, consider the fact that the world we live in revolves around work and acquisitions and with everything going on we are being forced to change into a gear that is completely out of the ordinary. That in itself causes a lot of anguish.
I’m not sure I agree that it’s about more than me and my happiness. Surely everyone has a right to be happy, no?
 

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Well, he said to give it six months of making a real effort to change things. Gave you some books to read on the subject. The last thing you want is uproot your children's lives without even attempting to fix things and then a year from now wish you had tried harder.

Start by ordering the books online. Nothing can hurt from doing some reading during lockdown. You might learn something.
 

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OP,

Are you looking for validation of you're bored and it's ok for you to leave?

The kind folks here will want and rightly so, more information on your M.

And there's no automatic agreement with an OP, as a rule.

Some info is detailed right off the bat for advice to be forthcoming, some situations need a little more background.

Sorry you're going through these troubling times. Share what you're comfortable with, and more detailed comments are forthcoming I'm sure.
 

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I’m not sure I agree that it’s about more than me and my happiness. Surely everyone has a right to be happy, no?
Yes everyone deserves happiness. Happiness is defined differently for everyone. All I can say is happiness for me is from within and not through material gain or through people. Human beings are exactly that human beings and everyone makes mistakes, myself included. So...I now understand that relying on people or things for one to happy is not the answer. People disappoint. And sometimes expectations can be unrealistic. We live in a world that I believe has a lot of power of influence. Some good things and some not so good. The bottom line for comes down to choice. Everyone is responsible for their own choices in life and some are good and some are not. I am a spiritual person who has decided to put my trust and faith in the unfailing love of Jesus-Christ.
 

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Thanks for your advice. Like I said, it has been this way for 18-24 months. What would giving it another 6 months achieve? I mean, if the passion has long gone and we are like two ships passing in the night - and that is even in the current lockdown environment too, wouldn’t dragging this out just to more harm than good?

Both my wife and I know there are problems, you would have to be completely off point not to be able to pick up on the vibe in the relationship, yet neither of us are focussed on fixing things. People change right?
Not to put too fine a point on it... But you were asked if you had REALLY TALKED about it with your wife.

That means, not going through the motions, but really having a talk. Like, "Wife, I really feel like I am done with the marriage. We have no spark, we don't have good sex anymore, if we ever did. I am just not feeling it.

Is there a reason that I should not file for divorce? Or are you interested in trying to fix this?"

That kind of true honest talk... Maybe you have been this blunt but your writing in this thead kind of tells my that is not your style.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
You’re spot on! It hasn’t happened...yet. Whilst we’re in lockdown, I dare not risk the conversation going south and finding ourselves in an even worse situation whilst the lockdown is still in place. This conversation will be happening, don’t you worry.

You are also totally right that people will want more detail. Forgive me, but I am a novice when it comes to this :)

As I mentioned, my wife and I have been married for 8 years, together all up over 10 years.

We met on a ski trip, which I was a last min invite on by my then flatmate at the time. I had recently broken up with a girl I was seeing and thought a week away on the slopes would do me good. My wife and I got drunk and kissed on the 1st night and spent a lot of time together for the remainder of the week. After that things moved quickly. We moved in together after 6 months, engaged after 12 months and married just after 2 years of meeting.

From relatively early on in our marriage, I felt second best in our relationship due to things said by her about what she had done for me in terms of financial stability. She has always earned more than me and held more senior roles in her career, not that that bothered me, but being treated like my career, my goals and aspirations were less important did. There have been instances of double standards, such as if she has business trips to go on it is never even a discussion, it happens, I am left to juggle work and the kids, but when it comes to any trips I have then I she lays a serious guilt trip on me.

As I eluded to, there is also a lack of intimacy and passion. I am more often or not the one who initiates something, which I have simply got sick and tired of and like I said, it’s a bit dull. To be honest, it has been like that for most of our marriage but I guess I had gotten used to it. Now there is absolutely nothing.

We also don’t talk, other than about how each other’s day is, or what the kids are up to, there is nothing else. You know what, I actually don’t even have the drive to talk to her about anything other than that stuff because it’s been that way for so long. It was our wedding anniversary last month and we didn’t even spend the evening together after dinner. I came down from having a shower and she was watching a new show in another room, when I was thinking it may be nice to watch a show together. I even hand made her an anniversary card, but I came away empty handed.

Anyway, I have probably rambled on a bit too much now lol. Hope that helps.
 

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You’re spot on! It hasn’t happened...yet. Whilst we’re in lockdown, I dare not risk the conversation going south and finding ourselves in an even worse situation whilst the lockdown is still in place. This conversation will be happening, don’t you worry.

You are also totally right that people will want more detail. Forgive me, but I am a novice when it comes to this :)

As I mentioned, my wife and I have been married for 8 years, together all up over 10 years.

We met on a ski trip, which I was a last min invite on by my then flatmate at the time. I had recently broken up with a girl I was seeing and thought a week away on the slopes would do me good. My wife and I got drunk and kissed on the 1st night and spent a lot of time together for the remainder of the week. After that things moved quickly. We moved in together after 6 months, engaged after 12 months and married just after 2 years of meeting.

From relatively early on in our marriage, I felt second best in our relationship due to things said by her about what she had done for me in terms of financial stability. She has always earned more than me and held more senior roles in her career, not that that bothered me, but being treated like my career, my goals and aspirations were less important did. There have been instances of double standards, such as if she has business trips to go on it is never even a discussion, it happens, I am left to juggle work and the kids, but when it comes to any trips I have then I she lays a serious guilt trip on me.

As I eluded to, there is also a lack of intimacy and passion. I am more often or not the one who initiates something, which I have simply got sick and tired of and like I said, it’s a bit dull. To be honest, it has been like that for most of our marriage but I guess I had gotten used to it. Now there is absolutely nothing.

We also don’t talk, other than about how each other’s day is, or what the kids are up to, there is nothing else. You know what, I actually don’t even have the drive to talk to her about anything other than that stuff because it’s been that way for so long. It was our wedding anniversary last month and we didn’t even spend the evening together after dinner. I came down from having a shower and she was watching a new show in another room, when I was thinking it may be nice to watch a show together. I even hand made her an anniversary card, but I came away empty handed.

Anyway, I have probably rambled on a bit too much now lol. Hope that helps.
Well, you def need to have the talk.

I'm going to give it to you straight. Women, no matter how evolved they think they are or what they say, women do not like to be the main bread winner.

I know lots of women will say different, ok... I have seen to too many times.

They start to resent their low earning husbands, right or wrong, and they lose respect. Further, you have let all of this go on too long, so you look even weaker to her. Because she knows a "Man" would not have taken the crap that she puts him through.

Honestly, she sounds like she I having an affair, but she could just be checked out of the marriage. My guess is when you have the talk, she will not want to save the marriage except to use you as a built in baby sitter.

But give it a shot so you can say that you did...
 

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but being treated like my career, my goals and aspirations were less important did. There have been instances of double standards, such as if she has business trips to go on it is never even a discussion, it happens, I am left to juggle work and the kids, but when it comes to any trips I have then I she lays a serious guilt trip on me.

She exhibits some traits of being a narcissist. Makes you feel less than, the double standard and guilt tripping you. Does it seem like she has more male friends than female? If she has female friends, does the relationship last long?
 

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Well, you def need to have the talk.

I'm going to give it to you straight. Women, no matter how evolved they think they are or what they say, women do not like to be the main bread winner.

I know lots of women will say different, ok... I have seen to too many times.

They start to resent their low earning husbands, right or wrong, and they lose respect. Further, you have let all of this go on too long, so you look even weaker to her. Because she knows a "Man" would not have taken the crap that she puts him through.

Honestly, she sounds like she I having an affair, but she could just be checked out of the marriage. My guess is when you have the talk, she will not want to save the marriage except to use you as a built in baby sitter.

But give it a shot so you can say that you did...
What makes you think she is having an affair? Tbh, if she was I don’t think I would care. Would just make the decision all the easier.
 

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but being treated like my career, my goals and aspirations were less important did. There have been instances of double standards, such as if she has business trips to go on it is never even a discussion, it happens, I am left to juggle work and the kids, but when it comes to any trips I have then I she lays a serious guilt trip on me.

She exhibits some traits of being a narcissist. Makes you feel less than, the double standard and guilt tripping you. Does it seem like she has more male friends than female? If she has female friends, does the relationship last long?
Her close knit friends are all female. Her best friend and my wife have been friends for a long time, well over 15 years or so. I know she revels in the hierarchy at work and likes to talk about how she’s on the thresholds of Exec level. Don’t get me wrong, I like that she is career driven, so am I.
 

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Londoner81,

Yep, been here. If it's not working, it's not working. Try counseling, give it some time, set a reasonable period to see if there's an improvement and, if there isn't, prepare an exit strategy.

Happy ever after may start at the end of a long term troubled marriage.

-A

Wrote a letter about a troubled marriage. It became a novel. It's mostly fiction wink Love Hurts: When Breaking Up Is The Right Thing To Do
Thanks, very pragmatic advice. The talk will happen relatively soon after things have quietened down in the outside world, the kids are back to school and we’re at work etc.

Would you advocate for counselling? I have read conflicting reports about its usefulness.
 

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Hi everyone,

I’ve been married for just over 8 years. My wife and I have been together for 10 years all up and we have two children (6 &3).

For about the last 18-24 months things have not been great between us. The intimacy, the flame has long since gone. We may have sex once every 6-8 weeks, in fact, I can’t remember the last time we did and when we do it’s pretty mundane and boring. We don’t talk, unless it’s about how each other’s day was, or how the kids are. And to be honest, when I look back at our relationship I can honestly say that it is not a partnership; I for one do not believe I am treated as an equal in this marriage.

Whilst I have had that nagging feeling that things have not been working well and that I am not happy in the marriage for that 18-24 month period, life has always been so busy with work and the kids, seeing family and friends. But with the lockdown it has given me time to reflect, whilst things between my wife have gotten worse!

Deep down I am pretty sure I want out of this marriage, that it is has run its course and it is time for a new chapter in our lives. But it is such a huge, life changing event and will impact others, most importantly my children. But then again, if my wife and I stay together then the kids are going to continue being brought up in an environment where they think this kind of relationship is ‘normal’. Whilst we are in lockdown nothing is going to happen, but when things start to get back to some form of normality I want to be ready to act.

Has anyone been throw this before? Any advice?
Yes, everyone wants to be happy. Let me ask you a question

What do you do for your wife to bring her excitement, joy, love, energy every day?
Have you actually spoken to her about any of this. You say you don't talk, then why don't you initiate it?
Seems to me like you are expecting her to do the heavy lifting. What have you been doing? As the head of the household don't you have at least the responsibility to put this on the table?
Divorce hurts not just you and your wife, it will have lasting repercussions for your kids.
Yes you may meet another exciting lover and believe me another 7-8 years down the road, it will be boring.
Marriage is hard work.
 

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What makes you think she is having an affair? Tbh, if she was I don’t think I would care. Would just make the decision all the easier.
Kind of funny how you miss the main point of a lot of posts.

She goes out of town for work, meeting with high level execs or at least working with them. She has the "Low Earning" husband at home to watch the house.

She could not care less about you, sex, or the marriage.

She treats you like a babysitting appliance.

I am not saying she is, but it would be completely common place.

I do agree with one thing, why would you care, you don't really have a marriage to speak of.

I think I said earlier that you should file for divorce...
 

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Yes, everyone wants to be happy. Let me ask you a question

What do you do for your wife to bring her excitement, joy, love, energy every day?
Have you actually spoken to her about any of this. You say you don't talk, then why don't you initiate it?
Seems to me like you are expecting her to do the heavy lifting. What have you been doing? As the head of the household don't you have at least the responsibility to put this on the table?
Divorce hurts not just you and your wife, it will have lasting repercussions for your kids.
Yes you may meet another exciting lover and believe me another 7-8 years down the road, it will be boring.
Marriage is hard work.
Thanks for your message. It’s reached a point where I have stopped initiating, because I have for so long and I would rather like to see my wife make an effort for once. Not sure if you read my earlier post, but on our recent wedding anniversary I hand made a card to give her, I received nothing. When it comes to sex, or physical contact overall, I am the one who initiates it. It was my wife’s 40th last year and I went to a huge amount of effort to celebrate and was hoping her and I would be able to go away and celebrate for a weekend away, when instead she went to Las Vegas with some close friends.

Personally I find your comment around “head of the household” to be rather outdated. Why should I be the one to put all the effort in?! A marriage a partnership surely and only works if both are all in.

As for your point around my kids. Let me turn this around; wouldn’t it be worse if they grow up in an environment where their parents are either arguing, not showing much affection to each other or even talking and they learn that is the way a relationship should be? I get the impression you think I am being selfish and thinking only of myself. You couldn’t be more wrong. If that was the case I would have done this a long time ago.
 

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As for your point around my kids. Let me turn this around; wouldn’t it be worse if they grow up in an environment where their parents are either arguing, not showing much affection to each other or even talking and they learn that is the way a relationship should be? I get the impression you think I am being selfish and thinking only of myself. You couldn’t be more wrong. If that was the case I would have done this a long time ago.
This is one of the best things you have written... Do you want to model a passionless, unaffectionate, unloving relationship to your children.

I would hope not, because lately that is all you have been modeling. Oh, and also conflict avoidance, codependence.

All of these are bad things to model for children. A healthy relationship is what you want them to see, not the one they are seeing between you and your wife...
 

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It was my wife’s 40th last year and I went to a huge amount of effort to celebrate and was hoping her and I would be able to go away and celebrate for a weekend away, when instead she went to Las Vegas with some close friends.
[/QUOTE]

This should have been the point where you threw your grenade in and went to war.
You need to take charge. It sounds like you are to passive and you have conditioned her to walk all over you.
She apparently has no respect for you. Her action demonstrated that she does not want to be with you.
What to do? I'd say you have two options:
OPTION ONE: Sit down and have the talk. Tell her that the two have become disconnected. Say that the both of you need to work on things together for the sake of your family and relationship. Have the books mentioned ready to go to show you are serious. Offer up counseling if you think she would be open to that. Gauge her reaction. She may be receptive. Somehow, I doubt it.
OPTION TWO: Shock and Awe. Go nuclear. Have the career girl served with divorce papers at her work. Obviously have your exit plan staged. See what happens. This could shock her into reassessing her priorities, and making meaningful adjustments. On the other hand, this could be the opening she has been waiting for to get out. Either way, you'll know where you stand.
 
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