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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Hey all,

I had previously written a post about my wife’s concerning social media interactions with a guy she once dated/some comments made about a co-worker. I got some good feedback on that but the pain of it all did leave me feeling jaded about my marriage and caused me to re-evaluate things.

Mostly I’m realizing that my wife is often very reactive, unable to understand/validate my emotions/needs and can often be downright mean to me and manipulative.

My other concern is how she behaves toward our Son. That boy is the light of my life and I went through hell taking care of both him and her when she suffered from post partum and self esteem issues after having him. Instead of his birth being exciting, I found myself consoling a wife threatening to hurt herself and give up the baby.

I also ended up working remotely and taking care of a newborn while trying to maintain a house when she went back to work. My job performance suffered and everyone around me took notice of how much I was drowning except for her.

our son is 1 now and to this day I am the main caregiver who handles the night wakeups, diaper changes etc. My parents also watch the baby and I am responsible for pickup and drop off. It’s to the point where even my parents ask why doesn’t my wife help out more?

she also has a short temper with the baby and routinely yells and gets frustrated if he won’t nap when she wants or eat what she made. She loses her cool if he doesn’t just lay still for a diaper change and she curses and yells if she has to wake up in the middle of the night because he’s crying.

around the house she is also not helpful and leaves messes everywhere she goes. She barely helps with chores and I routinely come home from a late night of work to a mess. Then when I clean the place she just kind of takes that for granted and never really thanks me.

we have been attending counseling for a few months now and things get better for some time then just seem to revert back to normal.

I find that when I’m with her I feel very disconnected and even when we get time away from the baby to go out I don’t have much to say to her.

divorce has entered my mind but I’m afraid to pull the trigger. Recently I let a lot out and really expressed my concerns after a big fight.

Ever since..she is all concerned I’m going to leave, stating she is a terrible wife and mother and would understand if I wanted to be with someone who deserves me. She’s also been very paranoid and asking questions if I go out for a long run or spend too long at the grocery store.

i don’t know where to go from here as I’m hurt and feeling burnt out but don’t know if ending things is a good idea.
 

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when she suffered from post partum and self esteem issues after having him. Instead of his birth being exciting, I found myself consoling a wife threatening to hurt herself and give up the baby.
is your wife getting treatment ?
The hardest time for a couple is after having children,
Now after your wife having a child and the effects it is having and how important you were to her as her support she is afraid of loosing you,

I know that this time is not easy for you trying to keep a job and look after your wife and your child , it is making the promise for better or worse look like it is just for the worse.

YOU have to try and bring in as much help as you can from family
it is what family is for , Don't be afraid to lean on them now ,
it is not a time to try do it all yourself . It is the problem when we are tired and trying to hold everything together that in a moment we can say things , somethings that to a person that is suffering like your wife is going to make matters worse,

now as well as the illness she is going through after child birth she is thinking the only person she has is leaving ,been pushed out by herself ,
A measure of how low she feels is when she said she does not deserve you
it is only a person that thinks nothing of themselves that will think this,

if you divorce her how will she cope with the child ?
IT IS TIME TO MAN UP AND BRING IN AS MUCH HELP AS YOU CAN FIND
sometimes it is the manly thing to do to ask family and friends for help
and get treatment and if it is not good get more

I have seen a woman we went to school together go through this she even tried to kill herself , it is an illness like a cancer you can't see it some days are better than others but it is an illness
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 · (Edited)
is your wife getting treatment ?
The hardest time for a couple is after having children,
Now after your wife having a child and the effects it is having and how important you were to her as her support she is afraid of loosing you,

I know that this time is not easy for you trying to keep a job and look after your wife and your child , it is making the promise for better or worse look like it is just for the worse.

YOU have to try and bring in as much help as you can from family
it is what family is for , Don't be afraid to lean on them now ,
it is not a time to try do it all yourself . It is the problem when we are tired and trying to hold everything together that in a moment we can say things , somethings that to a person that is suffering like your wife is going to make matters worse,

now as well as the illness she is going through after child birth she is thinking the only person she has is leaving ,been pushed out by herself ,
A measure of how low she feels is when she said she does not deserve you
it is only a person that thinks nothing of themselves that will think this,

if you divorce her how will she cope with the child ?
IT IS TIME TO MAN UP AND BRING IN AS MUCH HELP AS YOU CAN FIND
sometimes it is the manly thing to do to ask family and friends for help
and get treatment and if it is not good get more

I have seen a woman we went to school together go through this she even tried to kill herself , it is an illness like a cancer you can't see it some days are better than others but it is an illness
No, she is not receiving treatment. She took herself off of medication and will not follow up on individual counseling despite having a name recommended by our couples therapist.

I’m sorry but my family and I are already doing enough. We both work 9-5 and my parents alternate taking care of the baby 5 days a week. I am also the only one waking up several times a night to take care of the baby.

She’s also impossible to compromise with and our recent fight was over me wanting to run a race the same day she wanted to go to the beach an hour away.

i tried to be flexible and compromise to allow for both of our events but she was not meeting me half way. We eventually went to the race and she proceeded to scream at me in the car on the way down that my race was ruining her beach plans.

(We still went to the beach by the way)

i also didn’t race because her yelling at me and arguing made us late and I missed the start.

When I said that we can easily do both if we just discuss and be flexible. She told me that she “hopes my next wife will be more flexible then” and when I said compromise is what makes a relationship work she said “well I don’t want this relationship, I want out, I’m done and I want out.”

she then launched into how I always have to run these “stupid races” and that doing so is a full day event basically saying that it inconveniences her and takes up her day.

i didn’t say anything mean in therapy, just that I’m struggling and need help. Since then she has been making some more effort but I feel burnt out on this relationship.
 

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You need to get her evaluated. She most likely still is under post partum depression. If this is the way she was prior to pregnancy, then in that case there's little that can be done. She is who she is, and that can't be changed. For some people some sort of control can be achieved, but for most is an uphill battle of mostly failures.

Another thing you should already be doing is documenting her behavior towards your child and you in the eventuality that you need to divorce. Have it in writing with date, day, and time. Also it should be documented with the therapist that is seeing both of you. If it gets to that point it will serve you a lot in the child custody issue.
 

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i can see your at your end , and you have to hold down a job
your family are helping out , but does she have a family can they help out , and can they advise her to take her meds or even look up other DR

I had an uncle his wife was dealing all her life with mental illness the Dr had her on pills which did not seem to be helping her infect they made her more distant
the house was like a kip and her look was not very together ,

he used to be everywhere with her and bring her around but she would be hiding behind him
she was like this for 25 years and went into hospital for another complaint and a different Dr did tests on her and found the drugs she was on were wrong and after changing her meds she lived a much better life for 15 years after

DOCTORS DIFFER AND PATENTS DID
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
You need to get her evaluated. She most likely still is under post partum depression. If this is the way she was prior to pregnancy, then in that case there's little that can be done. She is who she is, and that can't be changed. For some people some sort of control can be achieved, but for most is an uphill battle of mostly failures.

Another thing you should already be doing is documenting her behavior towards your child and you in the eventuality that you need to divorce. Have it in writing with date, day, and time. Also it should be documented with the therapist that is seeing both of you. If it gets to that point it will serve you a lot in the child custody issue.
I’ve tried but she is resistant and states that she is fine and won’t take medication.

she’s always been a little high strung and needy but it was easier to manage before a kid. Now I can’t seem to keep up and she often resents me for spending too much time with the baby or “taking his side” when I tell her not to yell at him.

I’m just having a tough time with running myself ragged and being cursed and unappreciated. I am a happy person all day until I come home to her and in the mornings I’m counting down till she leaves for work because she is just mean and aggressive and I’m very calm, go with the flow kind of person.
 

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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
i can see your at your end , and you have to hold down a job
your family are helping out , but does she have a family can they help out , and can they advise her to take her meds or even look up other DR

I had an uncle his wife was dealing all her life with mental illness the Dr had her on pills which did not seem to be helping her infect they made her more distant
the house was like a kip and her look was not very together ,

he used to be everywhere with her and bring her around but she would be hiding behind him
she was like this for 25 years and went into hospital for another complaint and a different Dr did tests on her and found the drugs she was on were wrong and after changing her meds she lived a much better life for 15 years after

DOCTORS DIFFER AND PATENTS DID
Unfortunately her parents live over an hour away and are for lack of better words…burnt out hippies. They are high all the time and their home is filthy, I would never trust my son there.
 

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Another thing you should already be doing is documenting her behavior towards your child and you in the eventuality that you need to divorce. Have it in writing with date, day, and time. Also it should be documented with the therapist that is seeing both of you. If it gets to that point it will serve you a lot in the child custody issue.
THIS IS TRUE
and if you get your divorce your going to have to do the worst thing a man can do to a mother and take the child away from her on a full time , and that is not going to be easy ,

your are going to have to stand up and kick her with every bit of dirt there ever was
you will have to stick a knife in her for your child
there are more than one way to skin a cat think hard which road you pick for you and your child ,
 

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Unfortunately her parents live over an hour away and are for lack of better words…burnt out hippies. They are high all the time and their home is filthy, I would never trust my son there.
unless you get your child on full time which is next to imposable they could be minding your kid half the time ,
 

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things might be bad today bit you might make things worse
I wish I could tell you all is going to be good , i wish she did not come from a hippy family , and she might know they are to hip

And don't forget I am in a different country so I don't know the med system where you are and the cost to you
but where we are she would be hospitalised for treatment if she was not respecting advice
 

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Discussion Starter · #11 ·
THIS IS TRUE
and if you get your divorce your going to have to do the worst thing a man can do to a mother and take the child away from her on a full time , and that is not going to be easy ,

your are going to have to stand up and kick her with every bit of dirt there ever was
you will have to stick a knife in her for your child
there are more than one way to skin a cat think hard which road you pick for you and your child ,
Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”

It’s not helpful either that recently a very pretty girl with an amazing personality at work has gotten quite the thing for me. We are just friends right now but she is extremely supportive of me and loves children. She is well established academically and vocationally and we just seem to groove well together with no effort.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
unless you get your child on full time which is next to imposable they could be minding your kid half the time ,
It wouldn’t be possible, they are unable to do so due to distance and frankly laziness. I would also have no problem calling protective services and reporting their home if need be. I will not let my son be there.
 

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Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”

It’s not helpful either that recently a very pretty girl with an amazing personality at work has gotten quite the thing for me. We are just friends right now but she is extremely supportive of me and loves children. She is well established academically and vocationally and we just seem to groove well together with no effort.
you have to take one step at a time , you need to cut off the co-worker
you are not a free man and you have to make that clear ,
until you have a D and even time to think and get back on your feet you can not start finding replacements for you wife

cheating is cheating you don't like your wife chatting with other fellows on FB
but it does not give you the right to start sniffing around new meat

it is a judge that will give custody not your wife and she might say that now but when the fight starts your wife will be very different ,we have all seen wifes like this when pushed get up on their heals and fight for their life and she will have a legal team
 
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Discussion Starter · #14 ·
you have to take one step at a time , you need to cut off the co-worker
you are not a free man and you have to make that clear ,
until you have a D and even time to think and get back on your feet you can not start finding replacements for you wife

cheating is cheating you don't like your wife chatting with other fellows on FB
but it does not give you the right to start sniffing around new meat

it is a judge that will give custody not your wife and she might say that now but when the fight starts your wife will be very different ,we have all seen wifes like this when pushed get up on their heals and fight for their life and she will have a legal team
The co worker friend of mine is well aware I’m married and we are both cautious of boundaries. Just friends but the chemistry is there.

No cheating occurring.
 

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The co worker friend of mine is well aware I’m married and we are both cautious of boundaries. Just friends but the chemistry is there.

No cheating occurring.
depends on what you call cheating ,

for me you love is given there is not room for chemistry

If your wife told you she had chemistry with the postman you would call that cheating
talking to a co-worker behind your wifes back about your marriage is cheating

water gets muddy very easy and it is not fair to your co worker to give her any hope that some day she might be the replacement mother to your son ,

you need to change jobs if you can not put distance between you at work

I am not trying to be hard on you just that there you have to respect your commitment to the end even if you can see an end is going to come .

have you told you wife that your close to this co worker has it come up in MC if not your holding things back from your mc
your not going to fix things if you don't bring them into mc
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
depends on what you call cheating ,

for me you love is given there is not room for chemistry

If your wife told you she had chemistry with the postman you would call that cheating
talking to a co-worker behind your wifes back about your marriage is cheating

water gets muddy very easy and it is not fair to your co worker to give her any hope that some day she might be the replacement mother to your son ,

you need to change jobs if you can not put distance between you at work

I am not trying to be hard on you just that there you have to respect your commitment to the end even if you can see an end is going to come .

have you told you wife that your close to this co worker has it come up in MC if not your holding things back from your mc
your not going to fix things if you don't bring them into mc
so I do understand your intention and I want to say I do not discuss my relationship with this co worker. She knows I’m married because there’s pictures of my wife on my desk and I wear a ring.

The chemistry was pretty unintentional as she’s new in the office and was referred by a good friend of mine. So now when we all go out for lunch at work as a group she is there. We just kind of became friends that way and mostly discuss work and occasionally what we did over the weekend. The chemistry exists due to our shared interests, values, sense of humor, etc.

i would not be looking to have her be a “replacement mommy” as that is unfair to everyone involved. She has also not expressed her feelings to me but I heard through the work grape vine that she finds me attractive.
 

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Strangely enough we actually had a discussion where it came up and she said if we ever split she wants me to take primary custody and she will take him on the weekends. She said that she knows I’m the better parent and that he will “have a much better life with me as she knows herself and her family.”
@FloridaPool that's good, but don't count on it, be smart!
Document and if you can, take video evidence without her known, for every thing, the house, how she treats your child, you will need that just in case if she changes her mind about primary custody!
Yes, you need to get out and get full custody, unless you want to end up with medical issues or worse mental illnesses and end up popping all sort of pills!
It's not just about you anymore, your child needs protection, and a loving caring environment!
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
@FloridaPool that's good, but don't count on it, be smart!
Document and if you can, take video evidence without her known, for every thing, the house, how she treats your child, you will need that just in case if she changes her mind about primary custody!
Yes, you need to get out and get full custody, unless you want to end up with medical issues or worse mental illnesses and end up popping all sort of pills!
It's not just about you anymore, your child needs protection, and a loving caring environment!
Appreciate the advice. Am I jumping to conclusions to think about leaving though?

since we had our last therapy session and that big fight at my race she’s been panicking that I might be leaving and has been trying harder with the baby and around the house. She’s also been nicer to me because she’s afraid I’ll leave.

I feel bad knowing she’s trying now and wants things to work.
 

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Get out now. Your life will be living hell with this person. Please take her up on the offer of your having primary custody and she weekend visits.

I'd divorce as soon as you can to minimize the damage to your child being subjected to her treatment any longer. How absolutely damaging she is to this little one. Make it stop for his sake.
 
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