I glanced over this book but honestly, based on the reviews I don't want to spend my money on it. I agree with the principals: let go of control over my H's life, trust his decisions about his own life, keep myself in shape and attractive looking, express my gratitude over the things my H does. And I do these. Where I can improve is taking care of my own happiness: do things that I enjoy and maintain relationships to my friends and family.
However, I don't think I need this book for this. Especially since I read in the reviews it encourages to "not tell my husband advice, even if he asks". He would get mad at me for it.
I never say "I told you so." and I try to always to remember to ask whether or not he wants to hear my advice. I do agree that I could shut up about my opinion or side of things sometimes. I tend to be a bit too out-spoken for his liking at times. There is also no way he would become the financial leader of our household, and he himself would panic at the idea. He says it himself: he hates paying bills and would always push it off as far as he possibly can.
So, I think I already own other books I can use to help me with this part. In addition to already being in IC for my own issues and helping me to rewire the disfunctional ways of dealing with feelings I learned in my FOO.
However, I do strongly agree that there is no way for me to FORCE this change on him. Nor should I. And it's true I cannot even tell him to read this book, it wouldn't be the same as him reading it on his own. Hence the confusion.
, Thank you for your reply.
I think you hit the nail in the head with resentment
I always thought I wasn't harboring it, but lately I notice how much of it is actually there.
Resentment over the fact that despite me trying to lead by example, he belittles me, judges me and shuts me down. Or explodes in a frenzy.
But then again eventhough I've tried I am by no means an angel myself. I am still learning. Today there was an incident where I thought he was trying to hurt my feelings. Six months ago I would've not adressed the issue but gotten sullen and upset, giving him a half-assed response and then being passive aggressive in my actions towards him afterwards. Today I stopped and said: "Hey, when you said that I felt X. I don't feel good about you talking to me like that." He was naturally totally clueless about the affect of his words on me, apologized and rephrased it. Afterwards we congratulated ourselves for a job well done. For once we managed to NOT escalate something!
I could still more attention to what it is that he IS doing and show gratitude for that. I'm a firm believer of learning through praise rather than punishment so I should show him that too.
One thing you also got right that I don't have a crystal clear image of what is IS that I would want. I have been working through it in therapy and on my own, but it's still a work-in-progress. The more I dig into it the clearer it gets though.
So there's hope, I guess. I hope.