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Lots of even more confusing and devastating background story could be found on my older posts but some of it's is already irrelevant. To put it shortly, me and my H have had a rough couple of years. But things have gotten better. Only now other things have gotten worse.
I was always the Lower Drive spouse, he was always the Higher Drive spouse. In the beginning I was inexperienced and sexually closed off. He .. well, hated it. He didn't encourage me to open up. He told me to do it. I was pissed for a while but then, I did it. I thought he was right. And I feel much more liberated now. However, at no point did I gain more desire for him.
I find my H hot. I think when he wants he can be *amazing* in bed. I yearn to cuddle next to him but I don't .. lust over him.
As it happens, I just ran into the book Married Man's Sex Life. And some of it rings a bell so loudly that my ears are ringing. My H is insecure. He is jealous (not in the hot "Oh no you don't, this girl is mine." *butt squeeze* -manner. But in the questioning-me-about-everything-and-everyone -manner.). He requires a lot of encouragement and reassurance of my feelings. He is not physically active. When he get upset, feels neglected or frustrated about something, he more often comes off as scared in panic then calmly addressing the issue and putting me in my place.
And a short while ago I noticed I don't feel like having sex with him. I still think he is physically hot. And I think he's an awesome person. And he can be very cute and gentle. But he doesn't make me feel sexy, and I don't feel like being sexy for him (I'm expecting not to get turned on, or even to get turned down).
I found parts of the MMSL book sexist and some idiotic but as said, some of it is really true. I DO realize I would want my man to be a more balanced combination of the "positive" Alpha and the "positive" Beta. Whereas at the moment there's too much insecurity and on the other hand uncontrolled aggression.
So lately I have been starting to feel pi**ed off and like he cannot do anything right. Actually he's trying so hard! But I don't want him to be a doormat. I want him to take responsibility.
On the other hand the one to do these "Tests" in our relationship is more him. To give him that thing he could very well get himself, getting upset if I don't. To set up the stage for me to offer him help with something (of his) and get furious if I don't. He has told it to me loud and clear: he loved it when in the beginning I was more "easy going". Helped him willingly and served him out of pleasure to do so.
But I started to resent it because — as I thought — I didn't get to have my say. I started to feel like I was disappearing. I didn't feel like myself anymore, as I wasn't expressing my own needs. Then I started to express them and he can't stand it. Lately, we have only some days or weeks of calm and otherwise pure madness, not getting our emotions heard.
But after reading this book I wonder: is there a chance that I also started to resent it because he didn't prove himself to be the leader I wanted to serve? Because he showed more weakness (And really, I don't need a macho man. I LIKE for a man to show his emotions and be vulnerable with me. But he should bear his own weight.) — and I started to feel unsafe: he is not strong enough to protect me? He's intimidated by ME. Add in the fact that I lost about 25 pounds after we started dating and, although I'm not playboy hot, am decent looking. He's handsome himself, but has put on about half of what I lost during the same time. And gotten out of shape. Anyway.
So it's a mess. But now that I have this "knowledge". Do you guys think it would be coming to play in our case? Or am I just looking for an easy solution where I am not the (only) one at fault, but one that would mean he would have to bear responsibility for this? I am quite sick of being blamed for all our problems so I wouldn't rule that out. I would probably love an explanation that would really force him to work on himself.
I'm not sure I'm looking for something exactly like the r/s the writer of the book has. I am a pretty stubborn lady and like to think of myself as strong and self-sufficient. But there is great truth in the notion that I don't want to feel this much stronger than my spouse. I want him to be my match. And, at times, I want him to command me, but not with fear or humiliation or belittling. But with a firm stance that forces me to take responsibility of my own stuff. The former happens in our r/s a bit, and I can very rarely respond maturely. Most of the times I just want to rebel such nonesense.
IF this would be coming to play in our case, how on earth do you tell an insecure person that "I'm just not that hot for you anymore because of your insecurities." ? I expect it to be met with heeps of defensive counter-attacks.
Any thoughts? They will all be appreaciated.
I was always the Lower Drive spouse, he was always the Higher Drive spouse. In the beginning I was inexperienced and sexually closed off. He .. well, hated it. He didn't encourage me to open up. He told me to do it. I was pissed for a while but then, I did it. I thought he was right. And I feel much more liberated now. However, at no point did I gain more desire for him.
I find my H hot. I think when he wants he can be *amazing* in bed. I yearn to cuddle next to him but I don't .. lust over him.
As it happens, I just ran into the book Married Man's Sex Life. And some of it rings a bell so loudly that my ears are ringing. My H is insecure. He is jealous (not in the hot "Oh no you don't, this girl is mine." *butt squeeze* -manner. But in the questioning-me-about-everything-and-everyone -manner.). He requires a lot of encouragement and reassurance of my feelings. He is not physically active. When he get upset, feels neglected or frustrated about something, he more often comes off as scared in panic then calmly addressing the issue and putting me in my place.
And a short while ago I noticed I don't feel like having sex with him. I still think he is physically hot. And I think he's an awesome person. And he can be very cute and gentle. But he doesn't make me feel sexy, and I don't feel like being sexy for him (I'm expecting not to get turned on, or even to get turned down).
I found parts of the MMSL book sexist and some idiotic but as said, some of it is really true. I DO realize I would want my man to be a more balanced combination of the "positive" Alpha and the "positive" Beta. Whereas at the moment there's too much insecurity and on the other hand uncontrolled aggression.
So lately I have been starting to feel pi**ed off and like he cannot do anything right. Actually he's trying so hard! But I don't want him to be a doormat. I want him to take responsibility.
On the other hand the one to do these "Tests" in our relationship is more him. To give him that thing he could very well get himself, getting upset if I don't. To set up the stage for me to offer him help with something (of his) and get furious if I don't. He has told it to me loud and clear: he loved it when in the beginning I was more "easy going". Helped him willingly and served him out of pleasure to do so.
But I started to resent it because — as I thought — I didn't get to have my say. I started to feel like I was disappearing. I didn't feel like myself anymore, as I wasn't expressing my own needs. Then I started to express them and he can't stand it. Lately, we have only some days or weeks of calm and otherwise pure madness, not getting our emotions heard.
But after reading this book I wonder: is there a chance that I also started to resent it because he didn't prove himself to be the leader I wanted to serve? Because he showed more weakness (And really, I don't need a macho man. I LIKE for a man to show his emotions and be vulnerable with me. But he should bear his own weight.) — and I started to feel unsafe: he is not strong enough to protect me? He's intimidated by ME. Add in the fact that I lost about 25 pounds after we started dating and, although I'm not playboy hot, am decent looking. He's handsome himself, but has put on about half of what I lost during the same time. And gotten out of shape. Anyway.
So it's a mess. But now that I have this "knowledge". Do you guys think it would be coming to play in our case? Or am I just looking for an easy solution where I am not the (only) one at fault, but one that would mean he would have to bear responsibility for this? I am quite sick of being blamed for all our problems so I wouldn't rule that out. I would probably love an explanation that would really force him to work on himself.
I'm not sure I'm looking for something exactly like the r/s the writer of the book has. I am a pretty stubborn lady and like to think of myself as strong and self-sufficient. But there is great truth in the notion that I don't want to feel this much stronger than my spouse. I want him to be my match. And, at times, I want him to command me, but not with fear or humiliation or belittling. But with a firm stance that forces me to take responsibility of my own stuff. The former happens in our r/s a bit, and I can very rarely respond maturely. Most of the times I just want to rebel such nonesense.
IF this would be coming to play in our case, how on earth do you tell an insecure person that "I'm just not that hot for you anymore because of your insecurities." ? I expect it to be met with heeps of defensive counter-attacks.
Any thoughts? They will all be appreaciated.