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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
In my recent thread, I discussed with you guys about my wife possibly having an affair with her ex (my stepdaughters father). After the good useful advice you guys gave me and installing a VAR in her car, I caught her red handed. I confronted her about it, never revealing my resources and told her that I know and theres no reason to lie. Well, she tried to lie at first and then she finally came clean.
On the Recorder, she calls him the love of her life! She talks about him all the time to her friends and when she talks about me, she complains about what I'm not doing and makes me look bad. She picks him up in OUR car while I'm at work and spends the day with him. All her friends (who I liked) knew about this affair. I know she hasen't had sex with him because she told her friends that she's not having sex with anyone random but, if she decided that, it would be with him.
I'm emotiionally destroyed. My question is, When I confronted her about it yesterday, she was completely upset, saying she's sorry, it was a mistake, she didn't want to leave her marriage and so forth. Today she is being a total (excuse me ladies) bit--! She tells me that our marriage was destroyed long before this. That her affair has nothing to do with the problems in our marriage. She says she's innocent and that it could have been worse, she could have had sex with him. She shut down on me, she wont talk to me. She won't let me vent and get things off my chest. She says she doesn't care anymore, she should have left a long time ago, because now my focus is on the affair and not the problems we already had.
What the hell! how did all this get turned around on me? How did I end up being the bad guy? I feel betrayed, belittled, and scorned and all she can do is flip the blame! I hate her for that. Now I can't get anything from her but sarcasm an anger. Why is she not the remorceful wife like before? The car that she drives(and also drove him around in) is past due for inspection. I put it in the shop yesterday to get it inspected. In the meantime she has no car. She has the freaking nerve to tell me today that she can't believe I waited this long to get the car inspected. and that she is going to start taking care of things herself. WTF!!!!! I said if I wasen't an emotional wreck all month dealing with your lies and trying to find out the truth, I would have had time to inspect the car. What gives!
 

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Welcome to Hell! Sorry you are here.

It is utterly heartbreaking to go through this. Just remember that you are not alone. It is all too common. TAM is your best friend until you can breathe again.

You will receive great advice. You can also read the countless threads, and see what your life probably will be like in the next few weeks, months, and years.

Brother, just know you will survive. You also need to know that it was NOT your fault.
 

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Discussion Starter · #3 ·
Also, I told her that she broke my heart, and since she didn't have sex with him, maybe we can get counciling and work on our problems and all. My wife is not the type to accept restrictions and guidlines, but I told her in order for us to even have a chance, she has to cut permanent communication with her ex. I know that they have a daughter together but all that is going to be delt through me now. I'm going to be involved in every conversation that they have and all. She says... that is so stupid! how is that gonna work. If she has to say something to him she is going to say it. What!
 

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While we wait for others to chime in, please know that going dark on her is far better than trying to plead with her.

Tell her you are done, and that you are going to file for D. Then DO IT!!! Sorry, but it is the ONLY way she will consider what she is doing.

It hurts worse than anything, but know that you must walk away from her.
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
Thanks, you are right, pleading does no good. I'll focus on the 180. I've been reading up on it already. Now its time to apply it. She has been so disrespectful to me its sickening.
 

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Discussion Starter · #9 ·
Our marriage had its ups and down, but I never emotionally or physically abused her. I thought I was the ideal husband. I worked 7 days a week, she worked part time. We have a stepdaughter together. Yeah, I do t think she's over him. The way she talked about him was really irritating! She just loves this dude. I'm done!
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All her friends (who I liked) knew about this affair. I know she hasen't had sex with him because she told her friends that she's not having sex with anyone random but, if she decided that, it would be with him.
Just because she has not told her friends that she is having sex with him does not mean that she is telling them the truth. Although she admits to having a secret friendship with this other man (OM), admitting to having sex with him would put her in the bad light of being a cheater, so it is doubtful that she would admit this to them. The truth is since she already has had sex with him in the past, and admits to wanting to have sex with him now, it is highly likely that she has already had sex with him. While your are at work paying the bills, she picks him up in your car to spend the day with him for gosh sake.

She was surprised that after you caught her cheating that the issue was not that you were going to end the marraige, but how much it hurt you and how much you wanted to save the marraige. She lost what respect she had for you right there. Now she is in full on disrespect mode knowing that she can have you back anytime that she wants. You need to file for divorce and mean it. You can always change your mind, if she makes the effort to earn a second chance.
 

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Sounds like you cleared your head quickly. Facing the bitter truth is difficult. You appear to be doing that exceptionally well. Much better than I did.

I can't imagine wanting to be the second string person in her world.

Think about yourself as someone would see you. You obviously had some attractive traits, or she would have never wanted to be with you. Use those good things for a fresh start with someone new. If you are a little rusty, improve yourself.

It probably is a situation that leaves you no option to come out ahead. Learn from it, and find a better woman for the next go.

My $0.02.
 

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Your mistake was the minute she got caught, she was scared, afraid her comfortable life as she knew it might end...then you took her home and played nice.

The minute she learned she had actually nothing to lose was the moment she switched it back on you.

The next time even the mere hint of disrespect is even uttered, you kick her out and tell her you're not having it. She will either learn to respect you then you can work on your marriage..or she will continue to disrespect you, if that is the case then your marriage is pretty much done.

She essentially told you to be grateful she didn't bang him. There is nothing to be confused about. That's blatant disregard for you and the family.
 

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OUCH!

Your wife has shown nothing but contempt and disrespect for you to her Ex and her friends. These people (right or wrong) have been looking down on you for months now while she has basically cuckholded you.

I too find it almost impossible to believe that she hasn't had sex with him since "she calls him the love of her life" and " She picks him up in OUR car while I'm at work and spends the day with him. "

She has taken the typical cheaters tactic of turning it all back on you. Start doing the following since she feels "she is going to start taking care of things herself":

Take her name off (or cancel) all joint credit cards
Take half the money in any joint bank accounts and move it into account(s) with only your name on it/them.
Cancel her car insurance and let her know that since "she is going to start taking care of things herself" she can get her own insurance.
If the cell account is in your name, cancel her phone.
Tell her that since it's obvious she wants to be single, here's her chance. Also let her know since she's the one who broke the marital vows, she should be moving out

If for some reason you consider R with this woman, insist that she take a polygraph first to see how far this little tryst actually went
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Try: I understand, that makes total sense. I think I've been the fool long enough. It's time to file. Truth really hurts.
Lovemytruck: I'm not doing well at all! I'm emotionally sick! I can't believe my WIFE, my love, has betrayed me like this! I called the OM last night and I wanted war! I think it's denial dude. People are really that cold. My WIFE is really that cold. I could NEVER be her second string and live with that. Thanks for the reality check.
Acabado: thanks for the advice
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Harsh. This group here is a great supportive resource. There is basically a script being played out for the millionth time and now you get a leading role! Your story can either be dark and mean spirited or slightly less dark and a rebirth of sorts. Keeping a level head, not being aggressively spiteful can roll you out of this like a boss, opportunities for happiness are waiting and you will be the great man you already know you are.

It's been just over a year since I found out my wife of 10 years was having an affair and leaving me. Now I am better off in every way, including having a smarter, sweeter, more fun and more sexually active woman in my life than before.
 

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Try: I understand, that makes total sense. I think I've been the fool long enough. It's time to file. Truth really hurts.
Lovemytruck: I'm not doing well at all! I'm emotionally sick! I can't believe my WIFE, my love, has betrayed me like this! I called the OM last night and I wanted war! I think it's denial dude. People are really that cold. My WIFE is really that cold. I could NEVER be her second string and live with that. Thanks for the reality check.Acabado: thanks for the advice
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I know the emotional stuff is hell. So sorry for that!

What you are doing well is facing the bitter truth. You seem to have a very good grasp on what has happened, and what you need to do. Most (including myself) have a longer denial period.

My hat is off to you for that.

My last word of advice for the day is to avoid doing anything that is self-destructive. Avoid the war today. Just go about getting the things in place to protect yourself. Let your rage be tempered. Don't allow anything to get you into trouble with the law. Most of these types will bullsh!t the cops if they think they can make you look bad.

Yup, it happened to me too. I know how it makes you feel like vomitting too. So sorry you are here.
 
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