[firebird1029]

My husband and I have had marital problems for awhile. Separated shortly last year. Both had relationships with other people during our separation. He freaked out when I started to fall in love with someone else. Made threats and acted a little crazy. I knew he'd never leave me and my new boyfriend in peace, plus I was afraid for his safety. I came back. About 3 months after we'd gotten back together I came home early to find the girl he was seeing during our separation at my house. with my son in the next room. He claimed it was because he knew I'd never change and wasn't "handling things in the bedroom like I should". He says i'm not affectionate and that I don't initiate sex often enough. He says that's where all out problems stem from. It's true, I'm not as affectionate as I should be. I don't really get into sex. I'm tired all the time. We have a 3 year old and a 3 month old. I basically do all their care when I'm off work. He does whatever he wants to do. When I work he gets his mama to keep one of them b/c he has bad arthritis in his back. I'm also constantly stressed about money because I'm the only one that works, he's the stay at home dad. He's addicted to pills so it makes it hard b/c I resent him for that. plus he sneaks away money that we need. He says he's trying to stop but I'm not really seeing it. He also blames me for his addiction saying the stress from our relationship is a contributing factor. Anyway I found emails to a former girlfriend (also lifelong friend of his). Basically saying he'd like her to hold him and blah blah blah. Never exactly mentioned sex. I got mad when I found out she'd come to town and he went to see her. He says they r just friends but he needs a back up living situation if we don't work out. That's why he was talking to her like that. He can't afford to live on his own. I told him he doesn't need to speak to her anymore if he wants us to work and he says i have no right to ask that b/c they've been friends for 20 yrs. Now he's mad because I haven't had sex with him in the past week. I told him I'm not taking the risk of getting pregnant again while he's making "backup plans". I'm so confused. Did I really do this by not being affectionate enough?

 

[DavidWYoung]

Maybe!

 

[unbelievable]

By your admission, you're not affectionate. People need affection. If you don't handle your business, someone else will. If you don't like affection, what was your other guy about? Were y'all playing board games? You didn't drive him to pain pills any more than he drove you to be tardy with the affection. Doesn't sound like either of you are serious about being married to each other, to tell the truth. It's a shame there are children involved in this mess. If I could offer a suggestion. Both of you need to be serious about the relationship or it won't work. If he puts you and the kids first, he will get help and kick his pill problem. If you put him and the kids first, you will either be affectionate toward their father or you will get really good at faking affection. Neither of you are in a position to be chatting up any other guys or gals. Doesn't matter if she's his alleged "old friend". She has a vagina and his marriage is in trouble. Talking to anyone else in romantic or sexual ways isn't helping fix his marriage. Any goo goo talking gets done to his wife or not at all. If he needs to be held, he's got a wife. He may wish he were a rock star or an astronaut. He and his bad back have a wife and kids. That's his reality. He drops the excuses and gets off his dead ass and onto his dying feet and acts like the husband and father he promised to be. His mom ought to encourage him by refusing to watch the kids once in a while. That's "Dad" time and he needs to take advantage of it.

 

[Silverlining]

Run away fast and don't look back.

There is never a justifiable reason to cheat on someone. Don't let him blame you.

I'd recommend removing yourself and your children from this dysfunctional mess.

Read up on codependency

 

[firebird1029]

I used to be more affectionate. I was with the guy during our separation. I have a hard time with my husband because I don't trust him. I'm always finding a text or something that's inappropriate with his "friends". Also it irritates me that he wants me to do everything to make him happy but he's not trying to help me out. He doesnt' even work yet i'm the one that has to do all the house cleaning and taking care of the kids. He doesn't even pick up after himself. He says I nag all the time, but he gives me no choice. I can't remember one christmas that he's helped me put up the tree. Plus this really goes back alot longer than I mentioned but I was trying to keep it short.I guess I'm scared to really put my heart into it. Last time I was really trying and then found him with another woman. Everytime I think we are getting stronger I find something like this. I just feel like I could be more affectionate if he'd give me time to heal and stop jumping to someone else. Then by the time I get over it and start trying again he's already needing "affection" and getting it from someone else. I just don't know how to trust that one argument isn't going to send him somewhere else. And people are talking about me handling my business, what about him? He isn't cleaning, taking care of the kids, the house, the bills. He isn't exactly taking care of his business. I'm sorry but it takes more than affection to make a marriage work.

 

[MattMatt]

So, one of the reasons you got back with your husband was fear?

I am not certain this is a good basis for marital harmony...

 

[unbelievable]

Firebird, there are no good guys and bad guys. Either you both win or you both lose. More specifically, your kids lose. He may be Satan on earth, in which case, your kids are better off without him. If that's not the situation, the only "win" looks like you and him working this thing out. I believe I busted on him pretty hard in my last post, so I'm not suggesting you carry all the wood forever. I certainly wouldn't suggest that you ought to share him with anyone else. If he's a hot mess right now, you might have to tote most of the wood for both of you. Next year, you might be the hot mess and need the same from him.

 

[Silverlining]

Firebird,

I think you are co-dependent. Follow the 180
He is using you because you allow him to.
He has it pretty damn good. A woman who works, pays all the bills, picks up after him and puts up with his cheating. Now tell me again why he would want this situation to change?

 

[Acabado]

So...
He doesn't work...
He doesn't take care of the kids, nor the house chores...
He's a drug addict.
He steal the family money you work you ass to put on the table.
He's a cheater, a serial one.
He doesn't accept the responsability for anything and blame you: pill adiction, no job, cheating... He's a victim of circunstances. He can't stop using in this hostile environment in which he's not taken care of.

I wonder why in the hell you are not all over him night and day?

Dump him.

 

[Shaggy]

Firebird , it sounds like you didn't really come back to the marriage fully, and well neither did he.

Neither one of you should have been dating and having sex during separation, that only trashed the marriage more than it already was trashed before your separated.