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Bellz,
You did the right thing, he is married to you, he can't have a girlfriend on the side, it's just not right and you deserve someone committed to only you......
You are lucky to be able to start over and not have to put up with all the respect he seems to think is alright to send your way....
Stay strong in your decision, It will be very tough to do but you need to show him you just aren't going to put up with him and his lack of love and respect for you......
He needs to grow up and maybe someday he will, maybe now that he knows you mean what you say and he has to move out he will see what he is doing is wrong and unacceptable........
Post here for support, keep yourself busy and open your mind to what life can offer you......
good luck
 

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Bellz, a few things to keep in mind here. Many times, when bondries are set and enforced, the Wayward will threaten divorce. It is almost always a part of the script they use.

Does this mean he will see it through? It is a distinct possibility but you are letting him see, feel and live the consequences of his actions. The question is, do YOU want the divorce? If you do not, then there are ways to prolong that process and work on trying to salvage the marriage, but only if you want to. It does not always mean it can be sucessfully fixed but if it can be, those steps help. Read the threads regarding JAR, Iamnottheonlyone and land, there is advice in those threads about the seperation stage and directions on what to do and to expect.

Good Luck!

Q~
 

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If he was half the man and husband that he should have been then he would do what needs to be done to save the marriage and love you as his wife and equal partner
Exactly. He is showing his true colors now.

You have your whole life ahead of you, and you WILL find a man who will love you, respect you, and take care of you as a husband should.

It just won't be this guy.
 

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Discussion Starter · #64 ·
well, this is not the first time he threaten divorce. Everytime i ask to stop contact he will threaten leaving or divorce. Like you said, the script is repeating. Lets see how it goes.
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Well, hopefully, then, you are smarter this time and you will SEND HIM AWAY.

Bellz, you deserve better than this.
 

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This morning when he read it, he replied he tried his best until now. Since i want him out he will arrange to move and divorce.
If that is his best, I'd say he is a little disappointing! Pretty much every other man on the planet can actually do better - many of them choose not to. The fact that he says he "can't" do any better is a bad reflection of his character. My guess is that what he is really saying is:

"He refused to do his best until now - and now he will do even worse."

Let him experience what it means to walk away from his wife. And, as MrQuatto recommended above, decide if you wish to save your marriage. If you do, there is a lot you can now do to turn things around. Let your husband do the divorce work. Let him end the marriage - while you do all you can to save it. In the end, your conscience will be clear, and you will have grown from the experience.
 

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Discussion Starter · #67 · (Edited)
in conjunction with the letter yesterday, today he spoke to me about repairing things, marriage, what went wrong with our marriage. We have been together for 4 years, which is longer than any of his ex which just last a few months. and i should be able to understand him and not do things that kill his love for me. His family has adviced him and divorce is not what everyone wanted. Divorce is easy but repair is not easy. Talk about trust and respect and how the letter hurt him. That is his peace talk to me. Saying also he is going to change his job for me whatever that means.
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Discussion Starter · #69 · (Edited)
loyalty and honesty is top priority. Most important is to see whether he is willing to spend time to get back physical and emotional intimacy. We hardly spend time together which is what i always complain. Is that too simple?
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I'd be getting MUCH more specific, so he can't wrangle out of it.

(1) All passwords to ALL your electronics means of communication - phone, computer, etc.; if he refuses, he moves out.
(2) Mandatory weekly 1-hour talking about relationship; if he refuses, he moves out.
(3) Mandatory counseling until YOU are satisfied; if he quits, he moves out.
(4) Agreement to certain helpful actions or lack of certain harmful actions; if he breaks the agreement, he moves out.

Stuff like that.
 

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Discussion Starter · #71 · (Edited)
I'd be getting MUCH more specific, so he can't wrangle out of it.

(1) All passwords to ALL your electronics means of communication - phone, computer, etc.; if he refuses, he moves out.
(2) Mandatory weekly 1-hour talking about relationship; if he refuses, he moves out.
(3) Mandatory counseling until YOU are satisfied; if he quits, he moves out.
(4) Agreement to certain helpful actions or lack of certain harmful actions; if he breaks the agreement, he moves out.

Stuff like that.
Wow, that is a bit harsh.
Both of us are negative in love banks. We can't just jump in and say everythings ok if you only do this. Its not.

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It is what is required; your man cannot be trusted. He will use sweet words on you, he is deceitful, do not forget that.

I would add he is banned from using the Internet completely

No one can teach a person to be honest learning from his mistakes will go a long way towards keeping him in line. If he is disrespectful to you in words, actions or deeds, sling him out.

Remember you are an equal in the marriage, he needs to respect that..
 

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Wow, that is a bit harsh.
Both of us are negative in love banks. We can't just jump in and say everythings ok if you only do this. Its not.

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Read up on infidelity. You will see that, to recover a marriage, the cheater must make significant sacrifices, for a period of time, to gain back the betrayed spouse's trust. If he is unwilling to do those things, it means that he considers you nothing more than a convenience.

When you stop being convenient, he will leave.

What kind of marriage is that?

Your problem is that you have sacrificed SO MUCH of your dignity and self-worth just to keep him that you, by now, consider any scraps he will throw at you as worthy of a marriage.

It is not.

You are an EQUAL. You deserve just as much respect as he does - actually MORE than he does at this point for the harm he has done you.

You need some hard therapy to regain your self-worth so that you can see that you deserve very high standards to be set for HIM to deserve YOU.
 

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in conjunction with the letter yesterday, today he spoke to me about repairing things, marriage, what went wrong with our marriage. We have been together for 4 years, which is longer than any of his ex which just last a few months. and i should be able to understand him and not do things that kill his love for me. His family has adviced him and divorce is not what everyone wanted. Divorce is easy but repair is not easy. Talk about trust and respect and how the letter hurt him. That is his peace talk to me. Saying also he is going to change his job for me whatever that means.
Bellz, this is information from him that you should not pass up. Find out if he is indeed serious about any of what he says:

".... he spoke to me about repairing things, marriage, what went wrong with our marriage....."

"....Saying also he is going to change his job for me whatever that means...."

"...His family has adviced him and divorce is not what everyone wanted. ..."

All three of these statements are an indication that you may have a means of saving your marriage. All three statements are very good signs.

Find out if he is serious. If so, then I recommend three immediate steps:

1) He writes a no contact letter to the Other Woman. Here are some sample No Contact letters to give you an idea of what that means. He gives YOU the letter, and YOU mail it to her. HE DOES NOT! He does not because it is very easy for him to slip in an explanation or two to her, exchange the letter for another one that he did NOT give you, etc. YOU read it, approve it, and mail it yourself.

2) He gives you absolute transparency with regard to his passwords, email accounts, phone records, etc. This is to prove to you that he is no longer engaging in any infidelity.

3) He agrees to specific work on the marriage. This means working on:

"...and i should be able to understand him and not do things that kill his love for me...."

as well as

"....he should be able to understand you and not do things that kill your love for him..."

He must take responsibility for HIS part in the marriage, and do the work needed to overcome the problems HE brings to the marriage. You must take responsibility for YOUR part in the marriage, and do the work needed to overcome the problems YOU bring to the marriage.

If he does indeed agree to those three steps, then you can be reasonably sure he really wants to work on the marriage.

Advice: Do not settle for ANYTHING less. Don't settle for two of the three steps - because I can guarantee that it will be that one step he refuses to do that will be his way of continuing to behave the way he has so far.

This is a good sign - I hope it continues - and that he is stating these things seriously.
 

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Wow, that is a bit harsh.
Both of us are negative in love banks. We can't just jump in and say everythings ok if you only do this. Its not.

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Mind you, what I suggested doesn't mean that YOU have no work to do, as well. I'm sure there is plenty about yourself that you can improve just like he can.
 

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Discussion Starter · #76 ·
we haven't spoken in great length after that day. But i have a feeling he's not really into repairing. He only say it coz his family is against divorce and he's willing to do alot for then.
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we haven't spoken in great length after that day. But i have a feeling he's not really into repairing. He only say it coz his family is against divorce and he's willing to do alot for then.
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I take it, then, that you haven't moved forward either!

Here's something to consider - the reason for wishing to repair the marriage is not really important - some people do it 'for the children,' some because their family wants them to - and many other reasons. The important thing is that this gives you the opportunity to work on the marriage. And that work is the same work, regardless of the reason it begins - the end result is the same.

However: you seem to hint that nothing has changed. Our advice still stands - move forward with your plan. He either moves out or begins work on the marriage.

It works to his benefit if he can make a statement about it once every couple of weeks or so - just enough so that you back off and ease up the pressure to be a real husband! If that's all you do, he can play that game for a long, long time - every time you get 'upset' he makes a statement or two, and you shut up. Magic! He gets another two weeks of the house, etc, and he gets to continue his affair.

So do 't just take him SAYING he wants to work on the marriage - watch for the ACTION of doing it. And until you see that - assume that he is NOT willing to work on it, and proceed in a way that makes working on the marriage more important.
 

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Discussion Starter · #78 ·
Hi, just an update after he moved out for almost 5 months.

Found out that OW break up with him last week. Reason: she found evidence that he's seeing another woman while he say he's outstation with male colleague (the same reason he gave me last time). The newest one started about half a year ago, roughly when he change new job and move out.

Initially the first few months are very hard, especially when involving festive season. Now it looks like he is never ever going to change. For the past few months he's been texting me for divorce saying his family has given up on us being together again and don't delay the inevitable. There's some harsh exchange on my part and everytime it doesn't go to the end. He insists we become good friend and stop arguing.

Last week my car broke down and I called him for help. He did come and help. We exchange some news and being civil/friendly. Sometimes I still hope that he'll come back, but looks like a leopard never changes its spots. It's hopeless. I don't know how many women is he seeing/cheated on and there's no remorse.
 

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Bellz you sound like a good woman, I hope you would expect more from a spouse. This guy has big issues. It was sad 2 read everything u wrote. It is ok to be sad about a divorce but do you want to keep being sad? No of course you do not. Get over this guy, he is an immature punk who lies and you cannot trust

This issue about his mom doing everything for him just sounds like a very crazy dynamic. Who cares what his family thinks? Let the next poor girl deal with him and his family. His family and his mom are part of the problem too.

Concentrate on making yourself happy. Make new friends. Yes it will hurt but it will hurt more if you keep this charade going with this d-bag.

He has made it clear this this marriage is not important to him. Start making steps 2 divorce him. Go to a counselor and speak to someone about ur issues.
 

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Right. Expect the same amount of respect that you give him.

You're in a great place - he REALLY wants a divorce. Make him pay big for it.
 
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