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Discussion Starter · #21 ·
Wisp: Roughly i have the idea. Mother in law is being mild with him. She knows that him contacting OW is making me unhappy. She told her son that if this contact is making your wife unhappy, reduce the contact of that sort. She did not say STOP CONTACT. She only say REDUCE CONTACT.
 

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Discussion Starter · #22 ·
found out hubby is online dating with another girl (from another country) while at the same time still in contact with the first girl. This started after they have fight or he found something he doesn't like about the girl. Some behaviour that is against his "ideal relationship". Well, now the situation has changed, its not against one person anymore. It's against a few person now. It sure change the plan now. there's no point breaking him up with one girl and he easily can start another.
 

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Sounds like he likes to live in a fantasy world. I know grown men 35-40 that spend 30-40hrs a week playing online video games. These guys are married, have kids, and work!! Yet they are just hooked in this 3rd party world of fantasy.

I can't say if your husband is going to "act" on any of this since all of it is long distance. He seems like a dreamer good luck this seems like a deep rooted personality issue to me.
 

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Discussion Starter · #24 ·
yes, he's the type that spend hours on computer games. now this online dating takes over. When he was young, he worked few years in a cybercafe. That's when this habit starts. when he stopped working there it goes off. Until last year he installed broadband at home.
we found each other online and was in long distance relationship then. I don't know whether he still continue his online dating while we were apart, but from what i heard from his mother, he's like this all this while. he's now only 29. In his fantasy, all his family members are there except me. and he's trying to find his "ideal partner". I have turned from his "ideal partner" when we were online dating to the "evil witch" in reality after married.

Rather than an isolate affair, it has something to do with his believe system. do you think this is still workable?
 

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It is resolvable but you have to be strong, let his mother know once more that this behaviour is going to result in a separation. Her full support is required or she will be part of the consequences and subsequent embarrassment.

Read Plan A then start it - do you have a copy or need access to it?
 

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Discussion Starter · #26 · (Edited)
thanks wisp. Maybe i need a long copy of it. Last week i was in an accident. Crashed the car. Nothing major but the car is in workshop. Now he need to send me to work everyday. We have more chance to talk and he seems nicer. He mentioned a few times the uncomfort of sleeping in the other room. First week he say he's comfortable there. Now he complaints hot, mosquito bites and rashes. He did not mention that he wants to come back to our room. And i don't think i should suggest that. He is still in contact with ow. He doesn't say that he's choose me. And keep saying he can't communicate with me. However, he shared some of his dreams or future plan with me. I wonder what is his future plan with ow. This week he say the company need to send him outstation. I don't know how much can i believe him. I know the last 2 times has been to meet the ow.
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In the meantime I will see if I can find an extract
Working on that myself. There are good explanations in the books from Harley (Surviving An Affair for example)- but it's difficult to find a specific guide. In essence, Plan A is a temporary plan that you put in place in which you do all you can to stop ANYTHING that causes your spouse to lose love for you, and instead concentrate on doing everything you can to express love. You do thin by learning what behaviors your spouse sees as both damaging and helpful - and then avoiding the damaging and actively pursuing the positive.

It is a temporary phase (with regard to an affair) because while the affair lasts, your spouse will not be doing the same thing for you. Most likely, instead, he will be avoiding pretty much anything that assures you of love, and do everything he can to hurt you - intentionally or not. A human being cannot live under those conditions for long without losing all their love for their spouse.

For that reason, you must set a definite time frame: 3 months, 6 months, a year - depending on your patience and ability to take damage. At the end of that time, you reassess where your marriage is - and if necessary you move to Plan B, which is an entirely different approach.

Note, however, that if things get too painful for you, it is also possible to move to Plan B before your time frame expires. The only request that we veterans would make of you is that you discuss moving to Plan B, and how to go about starting it, before you do it.

Here is an article that contains a similar step: look at the 'Carrot & Stick' (step 5) phase of the seven steps.

Basically, Plan A is a time when you offer yourself to your spouse as the Greatest Wife In The Universe. There are reasons: first, this is a way to create some new love in your spouse - he will recognize all you do for him - even if you don't admit it. Second, this will build up a strong knowledge in him of what he will be missing if he leaves you (also, this will be very apparent if you do move to Plan B) - all of the sudden, all of the support, the wood that was being thrown onto his love-fire will be gone, and he will (hopefully) recognize this and want to come back.

Hope that helps some...

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Who else knows what he's doing? Does his mother know that he now is courting two other women? Who else is in his life you can talk to?
 

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Discussion Starter · #30 · (Edited)
the first girl found out about the second girl. They have a fight. He doesn't contact second girl anymore, i think. Since her mother is not supporting, there's no point. Some more she doesn't agree to me snooping his son. I'm not very close with his friends but guys will back up guys. I'm trying the plan a now. Like i posted earlier, he seems nicer this week but still distant.
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Discussion Starter · #31 · (Edited)
they are having fights over his controling behaviour on the girl. He wants to convert her to his ideal girlfriend. So i just let them fight it out. She is complaining about him in blog and relationship forum. She's fed up of him. I don't know if i'm bad for feeling happy that they fight or not. I feel like, haha.. You deserve it. You think i'm not good and you're so good. Now she's going to dump you too. I know i'm sarcastic.
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Discussion Starter · #32 · (Edited)
i know i should not concentrate on what's happening to them and concentrate on both of us.

People always advice me to talk it out with him. I don't know if we're able to do it. Last time we talk, he blame everything on me and say whatever i say is being manipulative and i am not sorry for my part of wrong doing.

Another question, i want to ask him to come back to the room to sleep but don't know whether i should. Does that make me look desperate? Or should i wait for him to come begging to come back? High hope on that.
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He is still having the affair, let hem stay outside your marital bed.

As for the girlfriends fighting I do not think he cares, he feels that woman are chasing and fighting over him so his ego is being massaged, makes him feel good. You asking him to come back to your room will reinforce that.


Post what you have done to date. There is a need to plan the next steps.

Remember he is in la la land (FOG) at the moment.

He loves you not, and he needs to hit planet earth with a very hard bump.
 

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Discussion Starter · #34 · (Edited)
since i found out i told my mom and mom. Our family knows. My close friend knows. His friends not yet. In current company i belief he put himself as single. He flirt with office girls also. His family see it as harmless flirting only coz he never stay overnight outside. I have a few emotional outburst with his friends so we're not that close. He prevent me from contacting his friends and colleague saying that what i have done previously is enough. Do i really want to make his friends doesn't want to mix with him anymore? He say he can't have a life like that. Now he doesn't let me hang out with his friends and doesn't want to join my friends.

I have emotional outburst before and ask him to move out. He did not. Then i ask him to move out of our room. Now he's in the other room.

His mother prepare everything for him, make his bed everyday, change bed sheet for him every week. Do the cooking and house keeping. The only thing i do wash clothes. He doesn't even need me.

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Discussion Starter · #35 ·
i don't know what else to plan except to wait it out for then to break. Hopefully soon.

Oh and i got send a text to the girl telling who i am and intention to save the marriage. She tell him about it and he have a fight with me. That was last month. The whole thing has been over a few months still no changes.
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Discussion Starter · #36 · (Edited)
our relationship now is civil. He will tell me thing about his life. I will tell mine. No talking about the affair. He said once that if i don't go and disturb him, everything gonna be fine. He say he want to concentrate make money and don't want concentrate on relationship now.
Oh no, i think i keep on repeating myself here. Same old story not going anywhere.
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Stay strong girl.

Prepare for the worst. If it does not change you need to have a plan to look after YOU.

Some boys do not grow up especially if mommy is supporting them. –“His mother prepare everything for him, make his bed everyday, change bed sheet for him every week. Do the cooking and house keeping” – this can’t last forever she will get tired of this.

At this stage it looks like he is not prepared to change to save his marriage.

In the mean time think of yourself.

Secure your finances and be ready to move to with your life. Keep your money in a separate account that he has no access to.

Do a couple of things for yourself.

Take care of yourself. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong and confident. Don't sit around waiting on your husband - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy!

Do not get emotional, keep control, be calm no matter how much it hurts or he is pushing you.

Plan your life without him, if he does not change then move on with your life and be happy without him.

If he does change you have already shown some independence and can proved you can get on with your life without him, he will then need to accept that marriage is a relationship of two equals.
 

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Discussion Starter · #38 · (Edited)
yes. After a few months of emotional turmoil, depression and sick, i'm sick of it already. Now i'm emotionally stronger and start to take care of myself. Our financial has always been separate. I don't have money to save. I pay for the house, bills insurance, my car, and a membership. Now i'm paying for things that last time he say he's going to pay for. I'm trying to sell the membership now. Don't know if possible.

His mom is having an operation end of this month so she's can't take care of him after that.
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yes. After a few months of emotional turmoil, depression and sick, i'm sick of it already. Now i'm emotionally stronger and start to take care of myself. Our financial has always been separate. I don't have money to save. I pay for the house, bills insurance, my car, and a membership. Now i'm paying for things that last time he say he's going to pay for. I'm trying to sell the membership now. Don't know if possible.

His mom is having an operation end of this month so she's can't take care of him after that.
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Sounds like that might be a good time to put him out. Without your financial support and mom doing everything for him, a good wake up call from the real world might do him some good.

Q~
 

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Discussion Starter · #40 ·
i don't know if i can really be able to do that. My car is at workshop for another month. He fetch me to and fro work everyday.

I can't possibly ask his mom out also when she is going for operation. That's mean.
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