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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I'm confused with our situation now.

To make the long story short:
My H has EA. They usually contact through chatting, phone, sms etc. I found out and he denied. He denied me the password of his email when i asked and now he has locked his phone with password too. It means he still has something to hide. However he has told his mom that he did not do anything with the girl. He even let his mom read some of the messages that the girl send about loving him and all that. Even with that, his mom say there's nothing concrete. He still stay at home everyday. She ask me to be patient.

He insist that the problem is within us, has nothing to do with anybody else. However he still maintain contact with the girl. Two weeks ago, at one evening I really cannot stand it and I ask him outright, he's still talking to the girl on the phone just now? Yes. I ask him when is he moving out of the house to be with that girl. Fine, I'll move next week. We'll get the divorce done too. That night I went to my friend. The first friend that I talked to and overnight in her house. The whole night I cannot sleep. I didn't tell him or his mom where i went. Maybe i was hoping that they would have cared to call. Next day I went home, lost as to what to do. Few days later I found out from his mom that he actually cared and ask her about my whereabouts that night. One week has passed and he's still around.

Sometime ago I try to move to other room to sleep but he insist that we still sleep in the same room. He's always saying why I have to do so many things to force him out of the house and getting a divorce?

I know he still cares for me, he still tell me things from work (short report), still cook dinner for me (once). But why he still keep contact with the girl? He say he's giving me time to see if I have changed for the better but it's killing me. Its hard to act like I don't care and continue life like normal. When I'm having sleepless night, he say I think too much. He on the other hand, sleeps away snoring like nothing happens.

His mom and my friend has suggested that we spend time apart to get away from the tense moments. I have started night tuition class so I don't have to see him every night on weekdays and only go home to sleep. Weekends so far he's working or spend time in the study.

My questions is why is he sending all this mixed signal to me? I myself also giving out mixed signal. What am I to do? :confused:
 

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Plan A. You have been reading and posting for sometime now. You are stilll love busting. He wants you. You have to stay positive. The affair must burn out. He seems very controlling. It will be very difficult to move forward. Maybe Affairecare or others could step in with a more thorough analysis.
 

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I know he still cares for me, he still tell me things from work (short report), still cook dinner for me (once). But why he still keep contact with the girl? He say he's giving me time to see if I have changed for the better but it's killing me.
Lots of things to think about here!

1) He is still in contact with the Other Woman. That means he is still having an emotional affair regardless of what he says. In fact, it doesn't matter what he says, as long as he is in contact with that woman, he is not treating you with the respect nor the honor that you deserve.

2) As long as that affair continues, there can be NO positive work done on your marriage.

3) He is making the affair your fault. That is preposterous and ridiculous. And until you start to think that it is preposterous, ridiculous, and deceitful, you will simply be allowing him to continue his affair.

4) He says he is waiting for you to 'get better'...... How about you? Are you waiting for him to get better? You are not having an affair, he is! The real change that needs to happen in your marriage is for him to get better!

I suggest that you study the idea of boundaries - put a LOT of effort into learning what they are. Boundaries are not limits you place on someone else. They are not rules you dictate to someone. They are fences you place around yourself to protect yourself. They are limits to the things you will allow to reach you.

One boundary I suggest is that you refuse to allow people who do not respect you to dictate how you behave. Let them talk all they want - they are certainly free to do so - but YOU continue on doing what is right.

Its hard to act like I don't care and continue life like normal. When I'm having sleepless night, he say I think too much. He on the other hand, sleeps away snoring like nothing happens.
You do not have to act like you don't care that he has another woman on the side. Whoever made that rule for you needs to be banished form humanity. Maybe they can move to Mars. You are his wife! You are NOT a servant, you are NOT a hired maid. You are married to this guy, and he treats you like he would any employee.

I would be very clear to him that you love him and want your marriage to work, and you are willing to work on it with him - but you will not share him with other women. Tell him very clearly that if he wants that sort of lifestyle then he needs to find a new relationship.

So NOT continue life like it is normal! It is NOT normal! If you pretend things aren't happening, then you are living a lie, and joining in with your husband in his infidelity.

You've been on this forum enough by now to have heard of what we call 'the fog' (or, Disloyal Dizziness.) Your husband is deep in this fog. When he talks to you about the Other Woman, or about your marriage, it is a twisted and darkened form of reality - it has hints of what is true, but it is so distorted that if you were to look at his statements in a normal setting he would seem insane (so would you for accepting them!)

He tells you (after a sleepless night) that you are thinking too much. Well no kidding! The man you married is cheating on you! ANY normal functioning human being would be doing the same thing.

He can sleep well at night for several reasons - not the least of which is the fact that he is getting his cake - and gets to eat it too! He has a wife who does whatever he tells her to do, and lets him do whatever he wants - and another woman on the side in case the wife bothers him too much.

There must come a time (in the near future) when he will HAVE to make a choice: you or her.

Sometime ago I try to move to other room to sleep but he insist that we still sleep in the same room. He's always saying why I have to do so many things to force him out of the house and getting a divorce?
Ask him why he is doing so many things that are destroying a marriage. Ask him why he is choosing divorce over faithfulness. And DO NOT pay any attention to his threats, nor his excuses, nor his blame. HE is the one doing the damage, not you. HIS choice to be unfaithful to the woman to whom he gave his vows is what is destroying the marriage.

He is trying to use the threat of divorcing you to shut you up and make you give in and allow his affair to continue. And you are falling for it! And here is the sad part: in the end, if the affair continues - or if other affairs happen, the marriage will end - that is an absolute certainty. And he will joyfully be blaming you for being such a horrible person who wouldn't let him have any fun.

That is why I say that unless you both work on the marriage it will fail. You cannot fix it. What you CAN do, however, is become a woman that is worth being married to. One that a husband respects and honors. Hopefully it will be your current husband who sees this in you and wants to change to stay with you. But even if it is not, YOU will still be that woman.

Up to now, you have been giving your husband a wife that he does not respect, that he barely tolerates, and can walk all over.

Time to change that.

----------------
Now playing: Doobie Brothers - You're Made That Way
via FoxyTunes
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
I would be very clear to him that you love him and want your marriage to work, and you are willing to work on it with him - but you will not share him with other women. Tell him very clearly that if he wants that sort of lifestyle then he needs to find a new relationship.
Like you said, we can only tell him about it. We cannot force him to do it our way. The decision is still his to make. And he's delaying/avoiding the subject/make the decision. Other than wait, what else can I do? Approach the subject everyday will turn to nagging and it's not helping either.
 

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Like you said, we can only tell him about it. We cannot force him to do it our way. The decision is still his to make. And he's delaying/avoiding the subject/make the decision. Other than wait, what else can I do? Approach the subject everyday will turn to nagging and it's not helping either.
Like you said, we can only tell him about it. We cannot force him to do it our way. The decision is still his to make.
You are right, you can only 'tell' him about it. But there is a lot here that you can do. When you keep in mind that he is free to choose what he wants, also keep in mind that YOU are not required to accept his decision.

For example: suppose he decides to move the other woman in with you. Are you then required to put up with that, because he is free to make that decision? Of course not! Your response to that decision may be to move out.

In other words, while HE is free to make decisions, so are you. You are not required to give in to everything he demands - in fact, it is my guess that this behavior is a huge love buster for him: he shows a lack of respect for you that is almost hatred. My guess is that he thinks you are such a doormat that it isn't worth his time to be nice to you.

And he's delaying/avoiding the subject/make the decision.
What, specifically, is the subject he is avoiding? What decision is he not making?

er than wait, what else can I do? Approach the subject everyday will turn to nagging and it's not helping either.
That's a pretty good definition of nagging - but there is a very good way to bring up the subject, a way of keeping it always on his mind that is NOT nagging. I'd first like to know what your actual request is.

What do you do besides wait? There's where you are stuck right now, and why he is running all over you. Your job is to move on - not out of the marriage - but forward as a woman. Move past him, leave him in the dust. Learn ALL about yourself, work hard at new ways to communicate, improve all your skills, learn new hobbies. Find some good friends and do things with them

Stay away from members of the opposite sex, however: show the world that you, unlike your husband, honor and respect marriage.

Find out specifically what your love busters and love extinguishers are - and stop doing them. Try to figure out what his emotional needs are - the things that kindle the fires of love in him - and do them whenever you can.

NEVER appear needy. If you need to cry, or vent - do it here, or with friends. Let him only see you as calm and happy.

And get back to me with that list of what you want from him - we'll help you work on some ways to make that a preference for him.

Stay the course - there is hope!
 

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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
i just want him to be the old him. Intimacy and honesty. I want him to stop ea and to work on our relationship. He is all clamped up now. Resentment and anger is high.
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Discussion Starter · #7 ·
he has indicated that he regreted marrying me. There are ups and downs. During good days he can talk about anything except us. On bad days, he just avoid being around me and talking to me. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I have requested he sleep some where else last night but this is not helping either. Without him i still can't get good sleep either.
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
now i feel bad that he has to sleep in the other room. He make me feels like i kick him out. No talking for few days already.
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Thanks for your replies, Bellz - - -

i just want him to be the old him. Intimacy and honesty. I want him to stop ea and to work on our relationship. He is all clamped up now. Resentment and anger is high.
By 'the old him' I take it you mean the guy you fell in love with. Unfortunately, that guy has changed - what you might want to be looking for now is a new guy - one that is honorable. That old guy had some problems - for example, he did not let communicate with you enough to ensure an affair free marriage. The guy you want is one who will work on this with you.

You are quite right - he needs to stop the affair. In fact - that must happen BEFORE any work can be done on your marriage. That means that your job right now (if you want your marriage to recover and grow better) is to work toward ending that affair. All of the things you want for your marriage can only happen AFTER the affair ends. So, for now, don't get caught up un what 'should be' and instead focus in what 'must be done.' Your job right now is to begin making that affair seem like a worse and worse idea.


he has indicated that he regreted marrying me. There are ups and downs. During good days he can talk about anything except us. On bad days, he just avoid being around me and talking to me. I have a hard time sleeping at night. I have requested he sleep some where else last night but this is not helping either. Without him i still can't get good sleep either.
Right now, he is having an affair. You've probably read about how the Disloyal Spouse revises reality to make the affair seem the best option if you've spent much time on this forum. FOr you, this means that you don't take much of what he says seriously. Even if he leaves the marriage, his claims don't create reality. In reality, HE is doing wrong, and attempting to make it all your fault.

Don't fall for that. Stop falling for that. Let him SAY it all he wants. All that really turns out to be is a lot of noises his mouth is making.

This is a game you two have made up: he accuses you of something in order to get his way, you decide to feel guilty and let him do what he wants. It's a game you need to step out of. Only feel guilty for what you have REALLY done, and then, only feel guilty until you make it right.

Are YOU having an affair? If not, why are you the one feeling guilty? As long as you continue to play this game, he will conmtinue to do whatever he wants, regardless of honor, commitment, love or honesty. You are helping him do this.

As for sleeping alone and feeling uncomfortable: you will get used to it. Give it some time...

now i feel bad that he has to sleep in the other room. He make me feels like i kick him out. No talking for few days already.
ANd when he quits his affair, you can welcome him back. It is that simple. You DID kick him out - and that was not wrong. As long as he is chasing after another woman, you are his SECOND choice. Why should a man's wife EVER be SECOND CHOICE? It is not right! You are either his first choice, or he does not get you. Clear and simple. Stand by that statement, and let him know it.

Tell him you will no longer be second or third or any other choice but number one. No matter what he says, you know in your heart that as his wife, THAT IS THE RIGHT THING TO DO. He'll just have to get used to it.
 

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Discussion Starter · #10 ·
Been sleeping alone for almost a week. Has stopped caring for what he does everyday as I go back home late. It feels better when there's no expectation. He's home every night but what he does in his study or his room nobody knows. He also rarely spend time with his mother. Does not know if he has ended his EA or not. Been to family dinner last sunday. He likes family dinner, quite happy the whole night. When reach home he told me, don't be so happy, things between us is still not settled. It seems like the only place we were able to talk together (last time and now) is in the car and also in the bed, in the dark (last time). Both the places are places where we cannot see each other's eyes when having conversation. It seems like we have not made eye contact for very long time.
 

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When reach home he told me, don't be so happy, things between us is still not settled.
Is this something he told you directly? This is not an honorable way for a husband to talk to his wife - it takes the tact of being between an owner and a slave.

I'd be as happy as you want to be. Find ways to be happy. Do things you love. Ignore his ordering you to stop being happy. It doesn't work anyway - happiness is a decision you make - and an emotion you experience. My suggestion is - let him worry about why you are happy.

As for the eye contact - you make it. You do it. Pay no attention to him not making it. That is an avoidance behavior - if he cannot look you in the eyes, it's because he is too cowardly to do so. It seems more and more that only strength he has is what you give him. Use your strength for yourself - you are already doing better than you were when you first came to this site!

Look him in the eyes when you talk to him. Be happy. Be strong. Let him be a coward who cannot handle his obligations. Over time, it will become apparent who is weak and who is strong, who is doing the right thing and who is not.
 

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Discussion Starter · #12 ·
found out that hubby and the girl share user name and password for email, facebook, bank accounts etc.. Seems like he's preparing his life outside to move on. When tell his mother, she just say it could be a misunderstanding. It seems like she's in denial too.
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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
how to make him talk about his feeling and the affair if he keep avoiding it. He say u can believe whatever u want to believe. Don't disturb me. Do u really want to force me out me the house? His mother advice be patient and wait till he speak up himself when the time comes.
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found out that hubby and the girl share user name and password for email, facebook, bank accounts etc.. Seems like he's preparing his life outside to move on. When tell his mother, she just say it could be a misunderstanding. It seems like she's in denial too.
It does sound like she is 'in denial' - at least, she is hoping that things aren't what they seem. That is very common. As for him 'moving on' - do you know this other woman?

This might be a very good time for you to send her a short note, introducing yourself, and letting her know you love your husband and intend to do all you can to save your marriage. Don't go into anything more than that - you are not looking for an argument. Just notify her - and then NEVER speak to her again. (I repeat that: don't get caught up in an email war, or listen to any excuses from her, or try to explain yourself. Simply ignore all other contact. This woman sleeps with married men. She is not worth your time.)

how to make him talk about his feeling and the affair if he keep avoiding it.
You cannot make him do anything - he chooses to do it, or he chooses not to. You can only work on yourself.

He say u can believe whatever u want to believe. Don't disturb me. Do u really want to force me out me the house?
There may come a time in the very near future when 'forcing' him out of the house might be a good thing. He is using this threat as a means of controlling you - and you let it happen!

Like I wrote before - you GIVE him the strength he wants to stay in control - by giving in to him when he makes a threat like this. What boundaries have you set around yourself to protect you from mistreatment?

Here is what I see happening: this man has very little, if any, respect for you. He views you as a nuisance. You bother him, you get in the way of him living the life he wants. He is not committed to you in any reasonable interpretation of the word - I'd say he is not committed to you at all. But he keeps you around for some reason. He wants you to stay quiet, out of the way, invisible. He wants you to be useful for him when he needs something, and to be gone the rest of the time. If you start to show up too much he says something that he knows will shut you down and close you back up in the little box he has made for you.

And you give in - you shut up - I assume because of a couple of reasons: 1) this is what a 'wife' or 'female' is supposed to do (do you really think the Other Woman behaves this way?) and 2) Because you think that if you object to being mistreated he will leave you.

Couple of things to think about: if the only kind of woman he wants is one that he can mistreat - do you really want that man? And, when you give in to any threat he throws your way, his view of your worth goes down bit more, every time. You are becoming, in his eyes, a weak, useless, pathetic creature that he has no desire to be around.

In other words - your fear that he will leave you causes you to act in ways that guarantees he will leave you.

What do you suppose would happen if, when he makes this threat:

'Are you really trying to force me out of the house?' you said something like, 'At least then I would be living with someone worth being with..."

His mother advice be patient and wait till he speak up himself when the time comes.
She is right - he will speak up when the time comes. The trick is to create a situation in which that time does arrive.
 

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Discussion Starter · #15 · (Edited)
i guess there are a few reason he's still around. His mother does not believe in divorce and asked him not to divorce. She insist on staying. But she cannot believe his son is cheating also. She say the evidence is not strong enough. She keep saying i'm the one who is finding trouble with his son.
Husband and mother live in my house. His brother and sister family come to our house for gathering every week. They can't move coz it will disrupt everyone's life. Some more mil is going to have operation next month. If i kick him out his mother has to go too. That's mean to his mother who does nothing wrong at all. She has been good to me all this while. Posted via Mobile Device.
 

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Discussion Starter · #16 ·
Updates:

He's still around.
I have sent a text to OW as you suggested. She told him and he in turn reacted to it in anger. I don't know if it does any good. Everytime in anger he will say that he does not want to be together with me anymore and going to move. I'm tired of hearing this already.

We manage to have some time talk calmly about us. All he does is blame our bad relationship on me, which is expected. When I want to have my say, it was cut off again like everytime. One thing that he made very clear is he's staying. But he did not say anything about OW. One thing is very clear, resentment and anger is still there.

One site suggest backing off and wait for problem in their relationship as "in love" phase will wear out and they cannot proceed with their life with me in it. The girl is still single so sooner or later, she will get rid of him. At the same time, i have to build up mentally and financially in case I'm kicking him out.
 

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First, does everyone important to him and you know about the affair. If not, tell them. This can be a difficult thing to do. The OM's family ought to know so that they OM will have to deal with the fact she is interfering with a marriage. At that point you have to wait. Go to my thread ot CMF's thread and read about Plan A at marriagebuilders.com. This will help you gain perspective.
In my situation, I am waiting for the megatives in their relationship to compound. It will likely be months before damage starts to show.
 

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Discussion Starter · #18 ·
They all know but don't want to get their hands sticky on the situation. They all think i'm being paranoid since they don't see much changes on him. He doesn't go out. The relationship is long distance i believe. He'll be in front of the computer the whole night which is basically what he's doing before also. I'm the only one who can feel the changes. They all believe that all couple fight, sooner or later they will reconcile, no need to get all sticky and headache over those two. both of them are young and stubborn.

He has this fantasy of ideal relationship, which he has since we were together long ago. We were in long distance relationship then. When we stay together, he can't live with the reality. We have conflict over that. He believes that in ideal relationship, everyone is nice to everyone else. People don't argue like in real life relationship of his brothers family and sisters family. If you want a good relationship, you must follow my idea of ideal relationship then everything will be good. His family all know about that and say that is who he is.

All is about him, my opinion is never heard, no compromise on that. I heard him having conflict with the girl over that too. Nobody can live with that idea and she's losing on his love banks too. If it ends, i believe he will start another ea with someone else. the feeling of "in love" and "ideal relationship' is so important to him. Until one find day, he wakes up from his dream/fantasy and wiling to face a real world relationship, nobody can help him.
 

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Discussion Starter · #19 ·
I feel so hurt. I don't know how to face him anymore. On good days, I feel that maybe I could forgive and make this work, but on bad days, I'm not sure anymore. By working on plan A, does it mean that I have to play along on his "ideal relationship/ideal wife" role? It is not something that I believe on and I have a hard time on that. I can only try the bit on the love busters. I know I have selfish demands, disrespectful judgement and angry outburst, which at times was very bad. It's hard to control my emotion sometimes.
 

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Bellz: Plan A is to protect you. At this point you need to start looking after the YOU. Your H is not going to suddenly do a turn around. If he is on the system all night do things to protect yourself, go out - preferably with family or a close female friend, there must be no implication that you are disinterested in the marriage or that you have embarked on an affair yourself. Your well being is now your primary task; you need to be strong, mentally, emotionally and physically.

Be patient and yes it is going to hurt you, you are human after all, but part of the process is for him to know he is hurting you and disrespecting you as his wife. He will snarl at you, be angry, ignore you and much more.

You have said his family know, continue to spread the word, embarrass his mom by letting people she knows that he is having an affair, his mother should stop protecting him and downplaying what is happening – try gathering hard evidence

If you can find the contact details of the OW’s Husband or family, place of work. Etc do so. And disclose the affair to them. . Do not worry about the impact on her when this happens; you need to keep her out of your husbands way.

At the moment you are in limbo and need a concrete way forward

Get plan A into operation, be strong and stay on coarse.

Do you have the details of Plan A ? or do you want someone to place them on this thread for you
 
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