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Should women be charged with hitting men


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Discussion Starter #1 (Edited)
I have known this woman for over 10 years. We drank together and occasionally slept together. Then eventually she moved in with me.

She lived a good distance from me so her moving in was OK. We drank together and partied, had a lot of the same friends, and she introduced me to a lot of people.

After a couple months I started seeing some warning signs. She kept me from leaving, partied with other people, yelled at me for random things and started acting irrationally. Once she tried to swallow a whole bottle of pills and I had to pull them out of her mouth. I called her father, who she used to live with. Her father did not want her back but advised me to make sure that she was taking her meds. This was the first I had heard of her being bi-polar.

I would ask her to leave and sometimes she would and sometimes she just refused. I did care about her still at that time so I allowed her to come back on occasion. Especially when she claimed to have nowhere else to go.

I didn’t think she could get pregnant so we were not using protection, and even though I knew she slept around a lot, I enjoyed the sex. Well I enjoyed it at first. But then it became more and more of a chore because she got angry if I didn’t want to have sex with her, and I always had to please her orally, which I used to like until she kind of ruined the enjoyment for me. She rarely returned the favor, and when she did it was rough and unpleasant.

She did end up getting pregnant, of course, when I was trying to get her to leave and wanted desperately to end the relationship. She would guilt me into having sex with her, or threaten not to leave unless it was one more time. Things like that, or purposely get me drunk, knowing it would lower my inhibitions and that I was still physically attracted to her and did enjoy the sex sometimes on occasion when she wasn’t screaming at me, or throwing things or accusing me of cheating on her every day.

Not trying to excuse the pregnancy; it takes two. But with both of us drinking all the time, partying, and no job between us I wanted her to have an abortion. Being drunk and coerced into guilt sex was not a good reason to have a baby, or a healthy environment to raise one in, in my opinion. Not to mention I doubted she would be an ideal mother. She refused the idea of an abortion, even though when we had talked about it previously she always agreed that’s what we would do in this scenario. The choice was taken from me, but a small part of me was willing to accept the baby, I just wasn’t sure about the mother.

I decided for the sake of our daughter I would attempt to make it work and we moved in together again. Now she stopped drinking for the pregnancy but also stopped taking her bi-polar medication. She would go into rages about small things, but I thought, lets just stick this out, she’s pregnant, I know she is going through a rough time as well and this will pass. Financial issues always at the top, but between us both we managed to make it ok. Her Dad helped a lot with bills and a lot of other things preparing for the baby, and she had a ton of support from her family. This was another reason I tried to stick it out. She promised after the baby was born she would go back on her meds.

A few times before the baby was due I could not take anymore. She threw things at me, hit me in my sleep , would literally scream in my ear to the point where the police were called. So I left. Saying I would return once the baby was born as long as she was back on her medication.

She did not like this at all. It was a constant stream of thousands, I saved them, and thousands of emails, texts, phone calls, all threatening to have me arrested for one thing or another (she has two uncles on the police force). Once when I threatened to call the police (when she hit me, she always made sure there were no marks, or did it just light enough not to leave marks, but to scare me and let me know she would) she scratched her neck and in a really evil voice said “Who do you think they will believe?”.

I was welcome at my family’s house but I always felt bad for having to deal with her pregnancy alone. After all she would be a good mother when back on her medication, after a couple weeks of harassment she always turned nice, and stupid me, I always fell for it. I knew I didn’t really want to be with her but I really wanted to try for the baby. Somehow she could always twist things to make them seem like my fault.

When the baby was born she was supposed to go back on her meds but said she did not need them. I hoped things would get better, that she would just start treating me better once she had the baby.

I was, however, scared that she could have me arrested for something I did not do. The attacks got worse, not necessarily hitting me but pretending like she was going to and forcing me to listen to her as she screamed at me, over and over, sometimes all night long, keeping me up all hours of the night. I knew her to not really be like this when on her meds and a totally different friendly person when drinking. I almost wished she would drink.

It had gotten so bad with her threatening to lie and say I was being abusive to my child and her, I didn’t really know what to do. Everyone told me to call the police but I didn’t because of family and my daughter, and the fear of them taking her word over mine simply because she’s a woman. So to protect myself, every time she got in one of her moods where she got physically and emotionally abusive I went in front of my computer and turned the web cam on discretely. In case she ever tried to claim things that didn’t happen.

At this point my daughter was already a couple weeks old and I was watching TV in the babys room / computer room. Her phone, which was left near me, rang. It had an overly obnoxious ring, so I silenced it because I was trying to watch a show. I figured she heard it and would check to see who it was later. She did hear it, and she came in, holding our newborn, furious! I tried to laugh it off with, “sorry honey”.

“So you think you can just hang up on my friends?” She says.

I have a bad feeling at this point. I’m laying on the futon and try to explain I just silenced it so I could hear my show. I figured she heard it and would come in when she was done, which is what happened because it was like 10 minutes later when she came in.

I get a little angry with her expecting me to drop everything to bring her her phone and say so. At that point, still holding our daughter she attempts to kick me in the face. I moved out of the way and she barely caught me, but I was like “WTF you are HOLDING our baby!!” At that she dropped the baby in the crib and started to come after me at which point I hit the key that auto starts the webcam. This incident didn’t last too long.

After that I decided I was done and was going to leave. I had plenty of video evidence of her physically and emotionally attacking me and thought that might be enough to ward off any false accusations against me.

When I leave it is not pretty. Obviously, she kept the baby. Our daughter was about three months old at this time. Immediately she started using the baby against me. She did not like me “leaving our family” and used it to punish me.

About a month later we were getting along a bit better even though she still refused to take meds, making up every excuse in the book not to. She told me I could come spend time with my daughter, to just leave her alone, which sounded great to me. Of course when I went there it was a whole different story. She wanted me to tell her what girls I was talking to, how I could leave my daughter (meaning her) and that I was a dead beat dad. I took it all and tried to make it OK to just spend more time with my daughter.

Now at this time I was on probation for driving without a license. That was one of the things I was worried about, being on probation automatically makes you look like the bad one. So I was trying to be really nice. When I saw her getting a little frustrated I said I had to go. She knew I couldn’t drive yet so she wanted to know who was waiting for me, which was actually a girl, but just a friend. I knew she would not see it that way so I said I called a cab, which she did not believe. I grabbed the few things she set aside for me, my DVD collection, my deceased sister’s photographs and a laptop with my sister’s things on it.

When she stood in front of the door and told me I was not going anywhere I could see that familiar look in her eye that she was serious and bad things were about to happen. So I ran across the living room, out to the second story balcony and jumped off.

About half an hour after I got where I was staying, the police showed up asking for a stolen laptop and had an arrest warrant for pushing her.

This is the quote from the arrest warrant:
“When the defendant tried to steal property from the residence the victim pushed her from out of the doorway, then ran and jumped off the balcony.”

Why would ANYONE push someone out of a doorway then jump off a second story balcony? Luckily that little piece of honesty is what got the case dropped as well as the knowledge of the video, although recording someone without their permission isn’t admissible in court. Not to mention the thousands upon thousands of emails, texts, and social networking messages, from just the couple months we were living apart, most threatening to have me arrested for false accusations, including molesting my daughter.

Nothing happened to her for making this false accusation. She had a restraining order against me for fear of her life that got dropped by the courts as well.

I did a month in jail for that because I was on probation and they will not release you until your case is resolved. Any arrest is a violation even if found not guilty or charges are dropped.

When I got out of Jail I was told by her family, who all on some level liked me, that she was back on her meds and I should attempt to see my daughter again. I was wary, but it had been a couple months. So she was being a lot nicer and started letting me see my daughter, even though half the time she would change her mind and threaten to call the police if I didn’t bring my daughter back. She wanted me to spend more time with her. Try to get back together, that’s all she talked about and was always really nice when I was there but as soon as I left, the nasty texts, emails, and messages would come. If I had my daughter, I not only had to answer every one of her calls but also had to talk about our relationship, so basically argue with her. It was very taxing but at least I got to see my daughter.

A few times she would want to go out with her friends and said I could stay on the couch in the living room so I could watch my daughter. Then she wouldn’t go out, and would try to talk about everything I did wrong in the relationship until she ordered me to get out.

I found a way to just kind of ignore her and was overly nice and took her shopping and to dinner with our daughter and tried to clean around the house. She took this in her head that we were back together so she did actually start to be nicer. I could actually see the difference with the meds and again thought, maybe this could work for our daughter. I told her if she stayed on her meds and we didn’t have any episodes for a while, a long while, like a year, then we could attempt to try again. She took this to mean we were back together and when she would try to have sex with me and I refused she would not let me take my daughter for a visit. I eventually gave in to sex in order to take my daughter. It was repulsive and I felt disgusted when she kissed me. Not every time, I did care about her at one point, but most the time. I do enjoy sex, very much, and I was working on too many things to meet new girls and in all honesty there were a few times when I wanted it too. I figured we both knew that it was just sex. After all, we’d been having sex off and on for ten years, and all this craziness hadn’t started until that first time she tried to move in. Every time I tried to drop my daughter off, she wanted sex, and if I didn’t have sex she would be sending me messages saying she “cannot do this anymore”, she’s “not letting me take my daughter again”, “its not fair to them” (meaning she didn’t think it was fair to her), and if I did have unwanted sex with her it would only postpone this craziness until the next day. The only thing that would satisfy her was for me to move in.

So during the first break up she had hacked my facebook, myspace and email account. She deleted every girl on there and messaged them telling them I was a dead beat dad and had STD’s and what kind of **** would date the biggest loser in my town.

So a couple months later, I’m visiting my daughter and get up to go to the bathroom, and she goes into my phone and sees my texts to my new gf. Needless to say I did not get to take my daughter, and she harassed the girl and the girl’s friends and family to the point that they could not take it, so the girl broke up with me and got a police order for her to leave them alone.

I was obviously angry, but what can I do? I am practically homeless and she has my child. She got even more angry when she found out I had gotten my license renewed and had decided to go to college. Now I could pick up my kid and try to make more money in the future to give my daughter a better life. She said my priorities were wrong. Meanwhile, she doesn’t want to do anything besides collect child support (she doesn’t work). She claims she wants to go to school, and has a rich father who would more than help with that. But she just sits home with the baby, trying to make my life miserable and tells people I don’t pay child support although I pay the court the amount every month.

I recently got an order to appear in court on the basis I make more money. I am disabled and a full time student who takes student loans to pay my child support.

On top of that she hacked my gmail account this time and started talking to my current girlfriend in chat pretending to be me. When my gf realizes it isn’t me she stops and lets me know. I was fed up and went to the police to report the online fraud and to the court for a restraining order. They begrudgingly gave me a harassment order where I had to show all the evidence of harassment, to my other ex, to my current gf, my mom, my cousin and all of my friends.

She stopped messaging me directly but still harasses my mom, my gf and anyone else around me. The police told me they each need to get an order against her. So for the rest of my life everyone I know will have to go to court to get one of these if they do not want to be harassed by her.

I know I need a court order to see my daughter, but I am terrified of her, of what she will do if she cannot get her way. I would not put it past her at this point to harm our daughter just to prove the courts wrong, or accuse me of molesting or abusing her (she’s already threatened to do this). I could never live with an accusation like that.

I don’t know what to do, I miss my kid. Sorry this was so long.
 

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HI first of all I like your title (as a male I get no help) and you get no answers on your post .... I think this woman is obviously ill , and your life prob would have been better if it were not for the baby. I think you have done all you can and stuck by where no one else would.

In my opinion you have done as much as you can and now need to concentrate on seeing the child . There will be ways around it and get a good solicitor if you haven't already.

It's hard to support someone with a mental illness but you too have to think of yourself especially if they are dangerous. If she refuses to take the meds then thats her choice but you do not have to be around for the storm. She has to help herself, I was diagnosed with bipolar 15 years ago and had raging feelings but contained them through self control, my meds have made me better now and I am normal , she may be worse than me but she has to control herself also to get by. I see my friends daughter with the same conditon and have seen her in action,her father says it's behavioural rather than her illness and I think he is right.

It's not a nice illness to live with , for her or you, or anyone and I feel you think at first it was all lovely and then you realised what you had done. Good luck with seeing your daughter. keep on with that she is going to need you x
 

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With all of your evidence, can you try for custody.

I know it will be expensive and difficult, but your child is worth it.
 

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I also thought this but did not want to be harsh on a mentally ill lady but to be honest this will be best for your child and you .
 

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You need to stay far away from her at all costs, even not seeing your child. That's a terrible thing but someone this vindictive and mentally unstable is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Honestly, stop all contact with this woman. Get a new phone number. change all your passwords. Do not let her near your house. This is a matter of you surviving.

If you don't sooner or later she's going to completely wreck your life. She's already done a pretty good job so far.

Best of luck.
 

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Does she have a doctor? The doctor is probably affiliated with a hospital with psych services. The hospital will have a social work office. Start there. Even if you have to have a mental breakdown to get in, it would be worth it. Medical professionals are obligated to report abuse, and you'll have a psych eval and things will become clear. There's a difference between being in a bit of hot water with the law (driving without a license, ohhhhhh, so criminal!) and endangering a child. Take a deep breath. There is always an out, you just need to shift the situation a little in order to find it. How that happens is up to you. I gave one suggestion, there are other ways but you will have to walk your own perimeter calmly to see. While you're looking for your 'out', look for what might corral her 'in' to the fishbowl.
 

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Wow, this is a mess, and made even worse by the fact there is an innocent and helpless child involved. I can't believe anyone would suggest you stop seeing her and leave the child to her mercy. The child should be the main focus here. Having the child was a choice the two of you made - yeah I know she had the choice of not having an abortion or not - but you had sex with her even though you already knew she was a raving lunatic. What you need to do now is focus on getting custody of your child and getting her out of your life. It's good that you have things on tape, you also need to start keeping a log of everything she does. Would her father and family testify on your behalf? You need to talk to an attorney, perhaps you could get legal aid. There are a lot of attorneys who will give free consultations, so you could at least talk to a couple and know what your chances and your options are.

Good Luck.
 

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Discussion Starter #9
HI first of all I like your title (as a male I get no help) and you get no answers on your post .... I think this woman is obviously ill , and your life prob would have been better if it were not for the baby. I think you have done all you can and stuck by where no one else would.

In my opinion you have done as much as you can and now need to concentrate on seeing the child . There will be ways around it and get a good solicitor if you haven't already.

It's hard to support someone with a mental illness but you too have to think of yourself especially if they are dangerous. If she refuses to take the meds then thats her choice but you do not have to be around for the storm. She has to help herself, I was diagnosed with bipolar 15 years ago and had raging feelings but contained them through self control, my meds have made me better now and I am normal , she may be worse than me but she has to control herself also to get by. I see my friends daughter with the same conditon and have seen her in action,her father says it's behavioural rather than her illness and I think he is right.

It's not a nice illness to live with , for her or you, or anyone and I feel you think at first it was all lovely and then you realised what you had done. Good luck with seeing your daughter. keep on with that she is going to need you x
Thank you for your response. I realize that it was a long post. The thing that aggravates me the most about this is that if it were reversed, there would be outrage if this had happened to a woman, I would be called stupid for not having her arrested earlier, demand my kids, and other advice that I cannot take as a man because of how the courts, as well as society treat women compared to men.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Exactly my thoughts. Go for custody. Do you qualify for legal aid?
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I have an attorney, and he is very good, but also very expensive, I have no money right now and am struggling to stay in college. I feel like maybe I should just take any job at walmart or mcdonalds and just give up on college, for now at least, but I want a better life for my child than I had.

On top of that her parents have tons of money to spend to keep me from getting custody and it has already been insinuated that drugs could be planted on me very easily.
 

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Discussion Starter #11
You need to stay far away from her at all costs, even not seeing your child. That's a terrible thing but someone this vindictive and mentally unstable is a train wreck waiting to happen.

Honestly, stop all contact with this woman. Get a new phone number. change all your passwords. Do not let her near your house. This is a matter of you surviving.

If you don't sooner or later she's going to completely wreck your life. She's already done a pretty good job so far.

Best of luck.
This has been popular advice among family members and friends. It hurts to not be with my daughter, physically. I also recognize that my daughter is being used as a tool.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Does she have a doctor? The doctor is probably affiliated with a hospital with psych services. The hospital will have a social work office. Start there. Even if you have to have a mental breakdown to get in, it would be worth it. Medical professionals are obligated to report abuse, and you'll have a psych eval and things will become clear. There's a difference between being in a bit of hot water with the law (driving without a license, ohhhhhh, so criminal!) and endangering a child. Take a deep breath. There is always an out, you just need to shift the situation a little in order to find it. How that happens is up to you. I gave one suggestion, there are other ways but you will have to walk your own perimeter calmly to see. While you're looking for your 'out', look for what might corral her 'in' to the fishbowl.
Thank you for this advice. I am actually surprised at the response I am getting here. And trust me, a mental breakdown would not be a stretch for me at this point. I feel really hopeless about this whole situation and feel really guilty that my daughter is the one that is going to suffer the most.

Even if I am a horrible person she deserves to know her father and that I love her.
 

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Discussion Starter #13
Wow, this is a mess, and made even worse by the fact there is an innocent and helpless child involved. I can't believe anyone would suggest you stop seeing her and leave the child to her mercy. The child should be the main focus here. Having the child was a choice the two of you made - yeah I know she had the choice of not having an abortion or not - but you had sex with her even though you already knew she was a raving lunatic. What you need to do now is focus on getting custody of your child and getting her out of your life. It's good that you have things on tape, you also need to start keeping a log of everything she does. Would her father and family testify on your behalf? You need to talk to an attorney, perhaps you could get legal aid. There are a lot of attorneys who will give free consultations, so you could at least talk to a couple and know what your chances and your options are.

Good Luck.
Thank you.

Her family will always take her side, although if forced to go they could easily get caught in lies, like was she ever hospitalized for metal instability? The answer is yes, twice, but I dont know if my attorney would be able to ask that question.

When I was defending myself in court I know if it would have went to trial there are a lot of things that were not admissible, like her mental hospitalization, the video tapes, her mental health issues, etc.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
My biggest issue here is that her family has a tone of money to throw around, strong presence and influence in the police and courts, and have no issues with breaking the law to protect their family.

It scares the crap out of me. Even my attorney, who is the best trial attorney in new england (Whitey Bulger wanted him) says that something being planted in my car would be extremely easy to do.
 

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Thank you.

Her family will always take her side, although if forced to go they could easily get caught in lies, like was she ever hospitalized for metal instability? The answer is yes, twice, but I dont know if my attorney would be able to ask that question.

When I was defending myself in court I know if it would have went to trial there are a lot of things that were not admissible, like her mental hospitalization, the video tapes, her mental health issues, etc.
It is really sad that her family would take her side and not do what is best for the child.

Things might be admissible in a child custody case that wouldn't be admissible in other court cases. You will need to ask your attorney about that. But when I was on the jury for a divorce case a couple of years ago I was really surprised at some things that were allowed as evidence in court. Things like taped phone conversations, that most people think are not allowed, can be allowed under certain circumstances it appears. So you might want to ask your attorney for specifics.

Also about college, it would be a real shame if you had to quit. Now days it takes a good education to land the good jobs. And to give your daughter a good life you need a decent job. Is there any way you can cut your class load and therefore your expenses? It would take longer to get your degree but it might be worth it in the long run. It took my daughter four years to get a two year degree after she got pregnant and got married. But she did it and is now earning a very good salary. So the hard work paid off.

Also do you and this woman have a custody and visitation agreement? If not it would help to have an agreement on paper. Then if she failed to live up to what is required of her or gives you grief about seeing your daughter you can document it and use it in court.

I also wanted to add that having bi-polar is not an excuse for everything. I have a nephew that is bi-polar, but because he loves his kids and family and he is basically a nice guy he stays on his meds and does what he needs to do to take care of his mental state so he can be a good dad, husband, son, etc.
 
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