Over a year ago, my wife discovered my affair. I ended the affair, and I went for counseling before we both went to marriage counseling. During our marriage counseling sessions, I would tell my wife the truth about how I have lost my passion for her, but I do not hate her in any way. I needed to get this out so that she and the counselor knew where I was mentally. As you can imagine, my wife's self-esteem was destroyed by this information. No matter what I said, the pain was still there.
Unfortunately, the counselor was more interested in me and my history of depression, and not the marriage (from my perspective). Then, one the very weekend I was to move out as we were going to separate and see what happens, I got very ill and ended up in the hospital for mote than a week with something the doctors could not diagnose at the time. I got better, but not cured, and was released. My wife cared for me the entire time, as I would have for her in such a situation. When we returned to the counselor, his interest was in my physical health issues and not my marriage. Jointly, we decided to leave this guy.
I was hoping to find someone else to see, but the only counselors who work on weekends anywhere near us are of poor quality. Being that my wife is required to work M-F, 8-5, this eliminates us seeing someone during the day. Although, I have continued the personal counseling, we have not continued the marriage counseling.
As the time passed, I started to find new interests (not people) and wanted to experience them on my own. I was happy to finally focus upon me. This is something that I could normally never do because of my self-esteem issues.
I still don't have any passion for my wife, and I'm afraid to bring up the subject again after seeing what I said last time did to her. Yet, I don't live a lie so that she thinks everything is back to normal. I enjoy exploring new things to do on my own, but I have involved her in some of them. When she's with me, I can't relax because I feel the obligation to make sure everything is going well with her at all times. When I ask to go alone, she starts to cry and says that I don't want to be with her, and worries that I'm seeing someone again (which is not the case).
We've been married almost 30 years, have grown children, and we are financially secure. My siblings have all been divorced, and I'm the only one who hasn't. Moreover, I used to never think it was an option, and even communicated that to our kids over the years.
Now here I am confiding in my counselor that I don't have the courage to tell her how I feel. I try to act normal, but it's been wearing off pretty bad. It's a cycle of maybe wanting to divorce, getting excited about possibly being on my own, realizing the pain and hurt it will cause many, beating myself up mentally for what I'm thinking about doing (which again kills my self-esteem and brings on severe depression), and going back to pretending everything is normal.
This has to end out of respect for her and myself. I'd like to try marriage counseling again, but I can't even bring that up without starting the hurt all over again.
At what point does being compassionate switch over to doing what needs to be done.
Any guidance would be appreciated.
Unfortunately, the counselor was more interested in me and my history of depression, and not the marriage (from my perspective). Then, one the very weekend I was to move out as we were going to separate and see what happens, I got very ill and ended up in the hospital for mote than a week with something the doctors could not diagnose at the time. I got better, but not cured, and was released. My wife cared for me the entire time, as I would have for her in such a situation. When we returned to the counselor, his interest was in my physical health issues and not my marriage. Jointly, we decided to leave this guy.
I was hoping to find someone else to see, but the only counselors who work on weekends anywhere near us are of poor quality. Being that my wife is required to work M-F, 8-5, this eliminates us seeing someone during the day. Although, I have continued the personal counseling, we have not continued the marriage counseling.
As the time passed, I started to find new interests (not people) and wanted to experience them on my own. I was happy to finally focus upon me. This is something that I could normally never do because of my self-esteem issues.
I still don't have any passion for my wife, and I'm afraid to bring up the subject again after seeing what I said last time did to her. Yet, I don't live a lie so that she thinks everything is back to normal. I enjoy exploring new things to do on my own, but I have involved her in some of them. When she's with me, I can't relax because I feel the obligation to make sure everything is going well with her at all times. When I ask to go alone, she starts to cry and says that I don't want to be with her, and worries that I'm seeing someone again (which is not the case).
We've been married almost 30 years, have grown children, and we are financially secure. My siblings have all been divorced, and I'm the only one who hasn't. Moreover, I used to never think it was an option, and even communicated that to our kids over the years.
Now here I am confiding in my counselor that I don't have the courage to tell her how I feel. I try to act normal, but it's been wearing off pretty bad. It's a cycle of maybe wanting to divorce, getting excited about possibly being on my own, realizing the pain and hurt it will cause many, beating myself up mentally for what I'm thinking about doing (which again kills my self-esteem and brings on severe depression), and going back to pretending everything is normal.
This has to end out of respect for her and myself. I'd like to try marriage counseling again, but I can't even bring that up without starting the hurt all over again.
At what point does being compassionate switch over to doing what needs to be done.
Any guidance would be appreciated.