My wife and I have been married for 13 years. We have been together for almost 20 years. Prior to her, I was married and my first wife cheated on me, causing our divorce. My wife plays this online game where she interacts with other people online. Occasionally, she takes it outside the game by way of giving some of the people she meets personal contact information, ie phone number, social media pages and such. More often than not, these are guys. She says she tells them initially she is happily married but still does it. When I react, she says I'm being controlling. My thought is that these guys should feel weird about contacting a married woman as a friend outside of the game, because I would feel weird talking to a married woman that my wife didn't know about, although I am saying that as a married guy and most of these guys are single. Beyond this action, I don't really have any reason to suspect anything but I get these flashbacks of what my first wife used to do, which was similar and it's like ptsd reaction to it. I want to do all that I can do to remain married to her because I absolutely love her. I feel that saying too much more to her would make her feel I'm controlling but I also don't want to seem like I don't care what she is doing.
Confused On How To React
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You can’t MAKE other people feel a certain way.
You have a problem with the way your wife interacts.
Address your wife, her behavior. Tell her she needs a healthy boundary tor you to feel safe within the marriage. Suggest counseling to help her work on that healthy boundary.
If she won’t - there’s bigger issues in your marriage... and YOU should understand that you don’t stay married when someone blatantly disrespects and disregards you.
You wanting to stay married so desperately is a concern.
You have a problem with the way your wife interacts.
Address your wife, her behavior. Tell her she needs a healthy boundary tor you to feel safe within the marriage. Suggest counseling to help her work on that healthy boundary.
If she won’t - there’s bigger issues in your marriage... and YOU should understand that you don’t stay married when someone blatantly disrespects and disregards you.
You wanting to stay married so desperately is a concern.
I have addressed it with her and we have had long conversations about it. I have explained how it makes me feel and have acknowledged it probably has as much to do with my first wife's behavior as anything. I want to stay married because I do love her. I have never considered leaving and that seems like a last resort action to me because of how I feel about her. I have told her I don't have any problem with her playing the game or even talking to guys in the game. I just don't understand why she has to take it outside the game. When I explain that is my issue, she insists I am controlling. The intent of this post isn't to bash her as much as it is to understand if I am behaving in a bad way in how I react.
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A married woman has NO business being friends with single guys outside of the game she is playing. Read here -- this is how a TON of affairs start.
You are NOT controlling -- that is just her trying to manipulate you and make you feel bad so that SHE can continue to do this. This is YOUR boundary for very good reasons.
Do you have full access to her phone, email, etc.?
I do not. I have not asked for it, though. Are you a guy or girl? I would like the female perspective of this situation, because I think most guys would feel the same way you do, and I know if I was responding rather thank asking I would probably feel the same way, and not sure that is really fair.
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I'll add my 2 cents as a woman. Your wife is calling you "controlling" because she doesn't want to respect your boundaries. See how it works? You feel bad and back down when she starts on the controlling nonsense. Talking does no good. You've already expressed how you feel about her giving out personal info. to single men.
Bottom line is this: She calls you controlling to put the blame on you. In reality, the blame is squarely on her. She's your wife. And, speaking as a wife here, she is showing you complete and utter disrespect. However, unless you set a boundary about it and make it clear there will be consequences, she'll continue. She doesn't give a crap if what she's doing bothers you. From her perspective, it's your problem, not hers.
And, if it bothers you as much as you claim, you need to be willing to enforce consequences. If not, suck it up and live with it.
Bottom line is this: She calls you controlling to put the blame on you. In reality, the blame is squarely on her. She's your wife. And, speaking as a wife here, she is showing you complete and utter disrespect. However, unless you set a boundary about it and make it clear there will be consequences, she'll continue. She doesn't give a crap if what she's doing bothers you. From her perspective, it's your problem, not hers.
And, if it bothers you as much as you claim, you need to be willing to enforce consequences. If not, suck it up and live with it.
As a married woman, is what she is doing wrong because of how it makes me feel or is it just wrong? Am I wrong in thinking that if these guys don't feel weird about talking to a married woman outside the game, it's not because they just want to be friends?
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Come on, please tell me you’re not this naïve.
No, single men do not feel weird talking to married women, they do not care, at all. Most single men would be more than happy to bang your wife.
No, they are not interested in being friends unless they’re gay.
Also, she doesn’t care how you feel about it so stop with the feelings nonsense. It’s not about how you feel, it’s about your boundaries. It’s about your expectations of your marriage and your wife, and it’s about what you will and will not tolerate in your marriage.
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BINGO! We have a winner here. All this stuff about how you "feel." Cut that out. BOUNDARIES. Love it, live it, learn it.
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There have been a lot of cheating stories on here that started under these circumstances. Your story echoes clearly...
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Your wife doesn't give a hoot how you feel. You've already told her how you feel, and she basically told you to go pound sand. Yeah, it's just wrong because it's blatant disrespect towards you.
Your feelings are subjective. I'm a stranger out in cyberspace who doesn't know you from jack. I don't know how a bunch of men I don't know feel. Nor do you. Again, dispense with all the "feelings" nonsense. No, single men aren't looking to be best buds with your wife.
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Whether I would feel comfortable is not the point. The point is that you do not feel comfortable and this is going to eat away at you until she either stops or you go separate ways.
You have laid out your reasons for feeling uncomfortable and, in my opinion, any spouse worth their salt would consider respecting those views if they were reasonable. I think her reaction tells you far more about the overall state of your marriage than you may think.
Difficult to say which way to go here, do you keep quiet and let this supperate, do you start snooping around for evidence of something more serious, do you start with the 180, do you just have it out with her or do you give her an ultimatum?
If you feel that uncomfortable with it, I think you need to take some form of action and put aside any fears for your marriage because she may well have checked out of it already. For what it is worth, I would start the 180 and start finding a life outside of my marriage.
You have laid out your reasons for feeling uncomfortable and, in my opinion, any spouse worth their salt would consider respecting those views if they were reasonable. I think her reaction tells you far more about the overall state of your marriage than you may think.
Difficult to say which way to go here, do you keep quiet and let this supperate, do you start snooping around for evidence of something more serious, do you start with the 180, do you just have it out with her or do you give her an ultimatum?
If you feel that uncomfortable with it, I think you need to take some form of action and put aside any fears for your marriage because she may well have checked out of it already. For what it is worth, I would start the 180 and start finding a life outside of my marriage.
It’s wrong that she purposely is disrespecting you when you have clearly stated it hurts you.
It’s not controlling - that’s how she is manipulating you so she can still flirt and get ego feeds from other men!
Why are you thinking it’s your fault? Your wife is acting in a way that makes you sad. You’ve said it bothers you. Now she disrespects you even further! Stop backing down! She walks ALL very you because YOU have allowed it!
If she won’t quit then divorce her! Love doesn’t look like what she is doing!
She doesn’t care how you feel - that tells you EVERYTHING!
Does she work full time?
And yes, I am female.
He has no boundary. He’s willing to stay married when she disrespects him.
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Understand, we are not trying to be hard on you, we are trying to help you. I assure you everyone here has your best interest in mind.
It’s not appropriate for a married woman to be having private social relationships with other men. It’s absolutely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving out her personal information to men she meets online or anywhere else.
The fact that you have tolerated it this far, and allowed it to continue without consequences shows her that you are weak and that she can manipulate you and walk all over you. That is extremely unattractive to women and likely lowered her respect for you even further. Women (and probably men) will generally act as badly as you let them, and you have been letting her act badly. Stop.
Start by getting access to her phone and devices. It’s not controlling, she’s your wife and you should already have her passwords and full access (and vice versa). Take a look through her communications and see what you find. She’s already acting inappropriately by giving her information out and communicating with these men, you need to see how far it’s going.
Does she have access to your phone? If not, give it to her when you ask for hers. And when I say ask, it’s not a negotiation. She can choose not to comply, but not without consequences. And she doesn’t get to take time to think about it and she doesn’t get to run off for a while (to delete anything incriminating or problematic) before letting you see it.
Then you need to seriously start thinking about your boundaries and expectations of what you want from your wife and in your marriage. This is for you to figure out without any input from her. Her opinions thoughts and feelings are not relevant to your boundaries and your expectations. Once you have this in order, then you can have a talk with her and lay out your boundaries clearly and unemotionally. and she can either choose to except them or she can choose not to. If she chooses not to, then she is choosing not to continue as your wife.
It’s not appropriate for a married woman to be having private social relationships with other men. It’s absolutely inappropriate for a married woman to be giving out her personal information to men she meets online or anywhere else.
The fact that you have tolerated it this far, and allowed it to continue without consequences shows her that you are weak and that she can manipulate you and walk all over you. That is extremely unattractive to women and likely lowered her respect for you even further. Women (and probably men) will generally act as badly as you let them, and you have been letting her act badly. Stop.
Start by getting access to her phone and devices. It’s not controlling, she’s your wife and you should already have her passwords and full access (and vice versa). Take a look through her communications and see what you find. She’s already acting inappropriately by giving her information out and communicating with these men, you need to see how far it’s going.
Does she have access to your phone? If not, give it to her when you ask for hers. And when I say ask, it’s not a negotiation. She can choose not to comply, but not without consequences. And she doesn’t get to take time to think about it and she doesn’t get to run off for a while (to delete anything incriminating or problematic) before letting you see it.
Then you need to seriously start thinking about your boundaries and expectations of what you want from your wife and in your marriage. This is for you to figure out without any input from her. Her opinions thoughts and feelings are not relevant to your boundaries and your expectations. Once you have this in order, then you can have a talk with her and lay out your boundaries clearly and unemotionally. and she can either choose to except them or she can choose not to. If she chooses not to, then she is choosing not to continue as your wife.
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67 Posts
It's true. People here can be brutally honest, but they are telling you this stuff for your own good.
I'm a woman. I play World of Warcraft (an online game with other people in case you don't know). My husband and I play together. We do not give out personal info. We do not talk to other people outside of game/voice com etc.
We've seen several affairs that started in game. Probably the worst was his cousin's wife. She left him for another player. TWICE. Why he chose to try to be "the cool husband" and tell her she could continue playing when she came back, I will never know.
Stop falling all over yourself to be understanding. It doesn't work. She is already disrespecting you. Don't wait until she actually cheats/leaves. Stand up for yourself now.
Having standards and enforcing boundaries is far more attractive than being understanding in this situation. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She will respect you more if you tell her to knock it off. Don't let her manipulate you.
I'm a woman. I play World of Warcraft (an online game with other people in case you don't know). My husband and I play together. We do not give out personal info. We do not talk to other people outside of game/voice com etc.
We've seen several affairs that started in game. Probably the worst was his cousin's wife. She left him for another player. TWICE. Why he chose to try to be "the cool husband" and tell her she could continue playing when she came back, I will never know.
Stop falling all over yourself to be understanding. It doesn't work. She is already disrespecting you. Don't wait until she actually cheats/leaves. Stand up for yourself now.
Having standards and enforcing boundaries is far more attractive than being understanding in this situation. She knows what she is doing is wrong. She will respect you more if you tell her to knock it off. Don't let her manipulate you.
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1,669 Posts
Totally agree with Dude. What he suggested is a great 1st step. You will get push back from your wife but you must stand firm. The calling you controlling over you fighting to maintain borders on your marriage is complete bull.
You have no idea how many threads we have of waywards from both men and women that started exactly like what your wife is doing.
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One of my best friends is now married to someone he played World of Warcraft with during which time he had a live in girlfriend who suddenly wasn’t living there anymore.
If she’s playing competitively then she will need to have out of game communication in order to plan when to be on, fill in for missing players, and strategize there is no way around it. I love competitive gaming and I’m glad women participate but you should definitely watch it because there are lots of thirsty dudes playing them.
If she’s playing competitively then she will need to have out of game communication in order to plan when to be on, fill in for missing players, and strategize there is no way around it. I love competitive gaming and I’m glad women participate but you should definitely watch it because there are lots of thirsty dudes playing them.
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