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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
This is my first time posting on any sites - i'm hoping to get any opinions as I am very lost and confused. My husband of 12 years and together for 20 years has recently changed. About a 1-2 yrs ago, my husband started to withdraw from me sexually. he also started to go out late with his work colleagues and some of the people who joined him were women he knew from work (all singles). he never included me in any event from work regardless of the fact that I always wanted him to be part of my work life. he would come home late with no regard to me and our young children. we often fought about this, but most of the time he was drunk so he would say mean words to me . His late nights out would be anywhere from coming home from 3-5am. One day, i blew up and asked him to leave if he wanted to continue living a "singles" life. He apologized and said he wouldn't do this again. He did continue this and is still doing this right now, Last summer, I read his text messages and found his friend was trying to set him up with his mistress. It was odd and the content of the text messages were extremely vulgar. I don't understand why his cheating friend wanted to set him up with his mistress. why would he want to share her?? I confronted him about this recently and he said his cheating friend was just joking.
The same friend works with him and my husband went on a work trip with him (just the two of them). I found out recently that the friends mistress joined them with her friend who slept in the same room as my husband. He never told me this... i managed to find out on my own. He denied this for months but I did find out the truth on my own, so he had no choice but to admit it. He now denies anything sexual happened between them. I do not believe him. I feel betrayed. I have been a loyal wife - I do everything for him and have been told I do too much. He has led a wonderful life as he has had the freedom to do anything, travel anywhere and anytime and I do almost all the running around with our children while I also have a very demanding career. I don't know what to do... we are in counselling but I'm not sure what this will accomplish. I also found other text messages on his phone with another single woman texting him odd messages at 2-4:30am.I am torn... i do not trust him and now i am afraid - i don't know what to do. I don't know how other men and women in these situations keep it together. Am i crazy to believe that something sexual happened?
 

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Sorry you are here.
Yes I would be concerned.

why does he never want you at work functions? Why did this woman sleep in his room?

I think it is time to set some boundaries with him, and be strong when you give them to him and hold your ground.

It is ridicules that he feels he can live a single life when he is married and has children, I would not put up with it. You should probably get tested for any std's because no telling who he slept with, and who the other woman/women have slept with.
 

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Discussion Starter · #4 ·
thank you. i have been tested and thankfully i am clean. he keeps telling me that he is not like the "others"... like those who cheat. i appreciate the blunt opinions. i am afraid to see the truth and have no one i can talk to about this because everyone loves us as a couple. i even thought we were the perfect couple:(. I am happy that i can get unbiased opinions here.
 

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Couldn't finish.

How come he is hanging out with cheaters?

Copy the text about the mistress and send it to the cheater's wife.

I don't know where to start.

Your marriage is toast.

He is 99% probably cheating and 100% acting like a moron and crapping on you and your children!

How much are you willing to endure?

Very sorry he is doing this to you but hope you find the strength to end his disrespectful and abusive behavior of you.
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Discussion Starter · #6 ·
thank you! i am currently in couples and therapy just for myself. I cannot believe i am in this situation and even up late nights typing this. I never imagined he would do this to me... i though we were perfect, but i realize there is no such thing and perfection requires work from both partners. I really appreciate the honest opinions - thank you! i hope to get the strength to stand up for myself
 

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If it smells like a duck, looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. I am amazed at how naive many wives are. I work and come straight home afterwards. If I am out with the boys, my wife knows where I am simply by looking at her iPhone. A little healthy distrust goes a long way these days. I have dated married women in my youth. They were very good at cheating. They found lots of time to be with me because their spouses beleived everything they said or were turning a blind eye to what was obvious but which was not wanted to be known.

I never spent a night in a room with a woman and not had sex with her. The first time I had a good looking girl sit down next to me on a plane, we got drunk and played with each other under a blanket. No matter what is going on, try not to be the wife who doesn't want to believe their husband is cheating and grasps at anything they can, no matter how lame, to believe because the alternative is not wanted. Good luck and remember that a person's past behavior is a good indicator of their future behavior. Adults do not change.
 

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I suspect he and his friend shared the mistress. They've probably done this perhaps with other women on many occasions. Very likely at the same time.

Copy and send everything to the guys wife. Great way to get this guy out of your husband's life.

Since he works with him he should get a new job as well.

He also needs to cut out the alcohol.

This all assumes you want to remain with him. Probably more trouble than it's worth.
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Here's what you do.

Back up his phone and the computer. Get access to everything you can - email, facebook, everything.

Throw him out of the house or at least the bedroom if he won't leave.

Stop having sex with him, obviously. Talk to a lawyer.

Yup, he's cheating. Yup, he knows you know. Yup, he thinks you'll stay anyway.

Will you?
 

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Did I read correctly that he went away with the friend, the friend's mistress, and the mistress' friend and that your H stayed in a room with the mistress' friend?

If so, there's zero chance that he's not cheating. If I misread, it just means the difference between 99% certainty and 100% certainty.

He is checked out. You know only the tip of the iceberg. Find an attorney and start getting your ducks in line.

I'm sorry. It's time for you to 'wake up and smell the coffee.' Protect yourself and your children.
 

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WishingWell.

Let's put the boot on the other foot. . .
Imagine you're living the single life, preventing H from meeting the (single) colleagues you go drinking with, you've been leaving him alone with the kids and come back late at night - up to 5:00am - drunk. A cheating girlfriend has tried to set you up with a friend of her AP and you have shared a hotel room with him (bizarre). There are vulgar texts on your phone and even recently a guy has been sending you odd texts at 2:00-4:00am? H runs the household, looks after the kids and also has a demanding career. All this has been going on for two years and you have distanced yourself sexually.

Now what would your husband think of all that? What would he do? Interesting isn't it.

Would you have married him if you knew he was going to turn into such a**h***.

Get all your financials together, bring them to the best lawyer in town and have him write up a divorce to go after H's sorry ass.
Give them to him without warning.
He's not a husband or father. He's a single guy who happens to be living with a family.

What's worst of al is that he is trashing you and your kids.
 

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Discussion Starter · #13 ·
thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.
 

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thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.
You should show the ****** no mercy. He didn't spare a thought about your family with his meddling. I don't see why you should either.

We want to believe that our spouses will never let us down, that they're the best. That's what blinds you and me about what they really did. He's begging you to believe him because he's afraid, afraid of the truth.

I doubted my own eyes believe it or not. So much so that one of the chaps here called me out on it. That's when I sort of realised that there was this internal bargaining happening in my brain between what I saw and what I wanted to believe.

Stay strong.
 

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Expose your husband, your husband's friend, and the mistress to the friend's wife and your family. Bust your husband. They are having a threesome. Don't fall for your husband's lies.

See an attorney to protect your rights. Your husband is lying to you. You are tormented. This will not stop. Make sure that this friend of your husband is out of your life. I'm really sorry that you are here.
 

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thank you for your opinions. yes.. you read this correctly. i am a fool as I am the one who booked his flight. i have been thinking of a way to get this guy out of his life...i want to send it to his wife, but i feel like i will be breaking up her family and she has two children with him. i'm disgusted with all of this and overwhelmed. he has begged me to believe him - but everyone is right... i dont know why i even doubted that he cheated.


Would you want her to tell you if you were in the dark?
 

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Expose your husband, your husband's friend, and the mistress to the friend's wife and your family. Bust your husband. They are having a threesome. Don't fall for your husband's lies.

See an attorney to protect your rights. Your husband is lying to you. You are tormented. This will not stop. Make sure that this friend of your husband is out of your life. I'm really sorry that you are here.


Foursome, two girls were there.
 

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Only you can say when enough is enough, but here are some things to consider.

1. Consult with an attorney, you don’t have to file, but you need to know you legal rights.
2. Develop a plan on reconciliation that he must do. You need to practice what you will say, so that you don’t get overly emotional.
a. Access and passwords to devices and media
b. Attend couples counseling
c. Get STD test to prove he is clean
d. Confess to his transgressions and perform acts of contrition.​
3. Develop a plan for child visitation, finance, etc in case things get worse. It is always better to have a plan, it will give you the upper hand in negotiations.
4. I recommend opening a new bank account just in your name. Don’t do anything but throw a couple bucks in it, but it would be available if you need to move funds quickly.
5. Boys night out are over, if you can’t do it together, you don’t do it….period.
6. End relationship with cheating frat boy friend, birds of a feather flock together.
 

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thank you. i have been tested and thankfully i am clean. he keeps telling me that he is not like the "others"... like those who cheat. i appreciate the blunt opinions. i am afraid to see the truth and have no one i can talk to about this because everyone loves us as a couple. i even thought we were the perfect couple:(. I am happy that i can get unbiased opinions here.
If he ever says this again tell him "you are because your acting like one", if he disputes it tell him married men don't share hotels with women other than their wives, but cheaters do.

If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, it's sure as hell not an elephant.

I'm so sorry your here, please get some counseling because it sounds like your husband is gaslighting you and it can come close to costing you your sanity.
 
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