[GenWindsor]

Hi everyone.
I am new here. Thanks for letting me join and post.
I hope I can figure out my marriage.

I have been married, happily, for 20 years.
Husband recently laid off work; I am disabled and receive SSI.
We moved to a new city in search of better job opportunities but so far nothing has panned out. Husband's pension is down to the end so he needs a job quick. I know this is stressing him a great deal. We have talked about it.

Also, husband recently quit smoking marijuana after smoking it for the last 17 years. He is also trying to quit a porn addiction- is on his second week of not viewing any. I know both of these things are difficult to battle but I support him in both.

Okay, with all of that being said, I believed over our 20 year marriage that my husband and I were both very happy with each other and very much in love. It seemed like we had the "perfect marriage" and all of our friends constantly say how they look at us as an example of how to be. Now, a month ago, my husband had a melt-down- crying for hours. I finally got him to tell me what was bothering him. After he told me he was sorry about 10 times, he told me "I don't think I love you and I don't think I ever loved you. I don't think we ever had passion in our marriage either." So, I ask him why he thinks this and he doesn't have any real explanation except he is having doubts. So, we talk and smooth things over for the time being. We carry on- as if we are still in love, kissing, regular good sex, having fun- going out to restaurants/ shopping....but then one day last week I see him doing something on his phone but sort of covering it so I ask him what he is doing and he tells me "nothing." I ask him to see his phone and he adamantly refuses and goes to the bathroom- probably to delete whatever it was and comes out like nothing ever happened. I asked him what was so bad that he needed to hide it from me and he said it was something embarrassing. This really frustrates me because he and I have talked about our lives/bodies/marriage in great detail before and I feel we have told each other some embarrassing things about ourselves so I can't figure out what he would be referring to. Anyone have any idea??? Then today, he started acting emotional again, I asked him what's going on and he told me he needed 15 minutes alone so he could do something. I asked him what he needed to do and he wouldn't tell me. He took his phone and laptop and went to the restroom. Now he is out and again acting like nothing happened.

I am completely confused. I feel weird about all of this. My stomach is in knots, my sleep is abnormal and I don't know what to do. Can anyone give me any advice or offer your opinions as to what is going on? Thank you in advance. I truly appreciate it. I love my husband and believe he loves me. I want this to work. Thank you for reading...

 

[Riverside MFT]

To me it sounds like your husband could be engaging in pornography again especially if he has a history of using it. He might be looking at the porn in the bathroom on either his phone or his computer, masturbating, and then coming out as if nothing happened. I would suggest letting him know that he can talk to you about it and that you won't get mad. Let him know that you will not be leaving him if he tells you these things. After saying these things, let him know that he can talk to you about it whenever he wants (that way he can prepare himself for what he wants to say).

 

[marriageinprogress]

Quote: "I don't think I love you and I don't think I ever loved you. I don't think we ever had passion in our marriage either."

If you guys have felt happy over the last 20 years and now he is saying "I don't think I love you", I think he is feeling REALLY bad about himself and something or things he is involved in.

That's great that he quit smoking marijuana and hopefully quit viewing porn, that's a hard thing to do. So has he gotten professional help, has he replaced his bad habits with new ones, or is he just white knuckling it? My opinion would be that he has reverted back to some of his old habits and is ashamed about it or he is involved in a new bad habit. I hate to even throw an affair around in your head because I am sure you are already stressed out enough but that could be a possibility of why he is having odd behavior and then feeling guilty or emotional about it. I shamefully had an affair and would have my phone glued to me at all times. I would constantly be deleting and would also take my phone into the bathroom to answer a text or delete calls or messages. I would be so selfish to be irritable if my husband was trying to invade my privacy to check up on me. I am not proud of the way I acted.

Sorry you are going through this and feel so confused. I hope you guys are able to figure things out soon. Good Luck!