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Please be gentle with me, I am new here.

Sorry this is so long.

I hate to admit it, but I really don't see any reason to stay with my wife. I love her, but we just don't seem to be in love anymore.

There is no one else. I am not ready to run to another woman. I have been completely faithful for my entire marriage.

We have been together for twenty years and it has been up and down, like most relationships.

She was recently divorced and we just dove in. We were head over heels. We lived together early on. Everything was great until she got tired of me not making much money and being thrifty. We began fighting a lot and she eventually kicked me out for being tight with money. I learned and grew up and won her back.

We married and had a couple kids. We went through the normal challenges of marriage: financial difficulties, losing family members, losing jobs, etc.

She is very vocal and I am pretty subdued. We went to MC several times due to fighting. I tried to become better by reading Marriage books and trying to focus more on her needs. I just don't feel that she gives anything back. She always wants me to change and I really try. She just doesn't seem to want to try to work on what I need from her.

I have always been a physical person. I need physical closeness and passion in my relationship. When we have fought about sex in the past, she makes me feel like a perv for wanting to be sexual with her and try new things. She told me I should have married a prostitute. I got tired of being shot down and made to feel dirty and unwanted and I made a huge mistake by turning to porn.

She was fine with it at first, it was kind of a relief for her to not have to bother with me. But there was still the feeling that I was dirty and our relationship got worse. She felt intimidated by the 'perfect' models I was lusting over. I felt bad that I was married and had to turn to porn because my beautiful wife didn't want me. I resented her more and more.

One day, it all blew up and she kicked me out. She felt like I was cheating on her. I never cheated, she just felt cheated on by the porn.

I fought for my family. I gave up porn completely and went to counseling and a support group. I begged her to take me back and tried everything to save our marriage.

She finally took me back and we started over. We bought a new house and I got her a new wedding ring and band. She said the ring was nice, but didn't gush over it.

The sex was good when we first got back together, but it soon went back to every now and then. I gained some weight and felt horrible. Job changes happened and I was laid off for a few months.

So, here we are a few years later. I got on a health kick and lost some weight and am feeling great. I got a job with a great company and our kids are now teenagers. We do things as a family, but we spend hardly any time alone romantically.

Maybe twice a month, we'll have a quickie in the shower. She doesn't want any foreplay or kissing; just get in, get off and get on with the day. We rarely have sex in bed. She says she doesn't like the odor after sex without showering afterward. I have offered to wear a condom or pull out, but she declines.
Early on in our relationship, she said that's how sex had progressed with her ex-husband, whom she loathed.

She acts like I am lucky to get what I get. She has mentioned several times over the years that she feels like all I want her for is sex. That is not true, I have always loved her deeply and enjoyed just being together. Sue me if I want to be intimate with the woman I love. I have worked on my approach and have been to counseling with her and alone to more than five different professionals.

So, here I am now: older and tired and beat down and wondering if I should just move on. We have a lot of debt and would have to split it up. She makes very good money and would be fine financially. I could probably scrape by in a small apartment.

I know there are two sides to every story and I am not at all perfect. But I have really tried to make this marriage work. She just does not seem to want to change anything. I feel like just a paycheck and a listener when she needs to vent.

BTW - We are both in our mid forties and in great health.

I hate to leave my kids, but they see that I am unhappy.
I will always spend time with them.
They will always have a home with me, if they choose.

Do I sound like a bad person for wanting to leave?
Am I wrong?

I would appreciate any advice.
 

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Dude,

Sorry you are here, but I think you will be glad you found this place. Your relationship with your wife sounds like it has been filled with drama. That can take a toll on your soul, no doubt.

I only have a brief moment to type here, but I'm sure more veterans will be along soon.

Quick question: Do you know why her first marriage failed?

Also, here is a link to an article you might relate to:

Abused Men: How Covert Abuse Begins, Part One | Shrink4Men

And no, you are not a bad person for wanting to leave a bad relationship. Especially when you've put effort in to changing yourself, to no avail.
 
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Dude,

Sorry you are here, but I think you will be glad you found this place. Your relationship with your wife sounds like it has been filled with drama. That can take a toll on your soul, no doubt.

I only have a brief moment to type here, but I'm sure more veterans will be along soon.

Quick question: Do you know why her first marriage failed?

Also, here is a link to an article you might relate to:

Abused Men: How Covert Abuse Begins, Part One | Shrink4Men

And no, you are not a bad person for wanting to leave a bad relationship. Especially when you've put effort in to changing yourself, to no avail.
Nothing covert about it.



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Nothing covert about it.
LOL. I would agree... now.:eek:

But knuckleheads like myself, and likely many other guys, had no idea there were creatures masquerading as women out there like this.

But yes, once you've been through it, you realize how crazy you were to tolerate this type of relationship.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
Thanks for the info guys. Great article too.
Any advice on how to prepare for the storms coming?
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It sounds like you have attempted to do everything to woo your wife with zero results. By your words you have taken quite an emotional/physical beating. How much more are you supposed to endure. Something must change. IMHO, two people in that age should be having sex at least once a week. Give or take. I know the "just get it over with" routine all too well. It just plain sucks! Good question from ThreeStrikes, why did her first marriage fail? This might give you some insight. Good Luck.
 

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My bad, I didn't respond to your other question. If divorce is your path that you are taking there are a few things to start on. Separate your finances, get your own bank account, change beneficiaries on insurance policies. If you have a 401k, say goodbye to half. Pension as well. Start saving as much as you can, for a new place to live if need be. There is a lot more and the vets here will chime in and give good information. FWIW, I am also from a 20 year marriage, it won't be easy but you will live, I promise. Good luck.
 

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Thanks for the info guys. Great article too.
Any advice on how to prepare for the storms coming?
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Yeah. Start going to therapy every week and learn to like yourself more and stop being a Nice Guy so you can stand up to her.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Her first marriage was kind of a rebound relationship. She married young. She never really gave a good answer about it, just everything he did wrong.

I just hate this for my kids. But is it worse for them to see me so miserable or us apart?
 

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What they need is to see their dad learn to stand up for himself - alone OR together. They will grow up to be clones of one of you; make sure it's a good example.
 

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What they need is to see their dad learn to stand up for himself - alone OR together. They will grow up to be clones of one of you; make sure it's a good example.
You're right on target! Wish I had understood this before now.

She will not ever change on her own, so I will have to be able to give an ultimatum.

I think I will try to get some therapy to grow my cojones back and see where that takes me.

Thanks for all the advice.
 

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Hey man, how well did you get to really know her before marrying her? What is her past like, sounds like she is very insecure and just putting up a tough front to protect herself. Was she abused as a kid? What was her father like? You could be her savior if you had the guts to stand up and fight for a real relationship where both of you win and are loved and respected and understood.
The reason I suspect abuse at an early age is the whole sex thing. She needs more security from you than a physical relationship, but you seem stuck on your sexual wants and how to satisfy them. That is NOT unconditional, committed love, that my friend is just lust and selfishness.

You sound like you love your kids, so set a real example for them by being a real man and make real committments, by doing porn you have already had multiple affairs and cheated on her and set anexample for the kids of how to handle a problem.
 

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Hey man, how well did you get to really know her before marrying her? What is her past like, sounds like she is very insecure and just putting up a tough front to protect herself. Was she abused as a kid? What was her father like? You could be her savior if you had the guts to stand up and fight for a real relationship where both of you win and are loved and respected and understood.
The reason I suspect abuse at an early age is the whole sex thing. She needs more security from you than a physical relationship, but you seem stuck on your sexual wants and how to satisfy them. That is NOT unconditional, committed love, that my friend is just lust and selfishness.

You sound like you love your kids, so set a real example for them by being a real man and make real committments, by doing porn you have already had multiple affairs and cheated on her and set anexample for the kids of how to handle a problem.
We knew each other for over a year before marriage. With a breakup in between.

No abuse. She had a fine home life. Her Dad is a great guy, but the whole family is extremely selfish and all about themselves.

It isn't just about sex for me. It is the whole intimacy thing. Like I said, my Love Language is Physical Touch.

My kids were not aware of the porn issue.

I want to be happy.
For me, if someone is not trying to make me happy in relationship, then they are too involved in their own happiness to care. It should be a two way street.

I have tried to make her happy over the last twenty years.
It is just very difficult always giving and never receiving.

I don't want her for just sex. My God, if that were the case, I would have left years ago and become a male ****.
 

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I hate to read when people tell others to leave their marriage. Maybe that is what you wanted to hear to ease any guilt. Make your marriage what you want it to be. So many people leave because they are unhappy. That comes from within. If you are unhappy look at yourself and not your spouse.
 

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Sorry friend, but she didn't like the porn and you did it anyway until things blew up. I wish men realized that for normal women (who aren't faking it for money), having sex with avid porn viewers feels like an assault. It feels gross. Men who watch porn objectify women, and they think they are being loving, they're not.

The terms "I need to grow a pair" or "need some cojones back" are terms I have heard from porn addicts that are actually doing the abusing with gas lighting to hide their habit and passive aggressive behaviors. Sooner or later they were found to be living double lives. Most partners had no idea of the extent porn usage despite living with the person for years. The fact that you say you have been faithful is really good, but they said the same thing until they were caught.

A healthy man's life doesn't revolve around sex. Sex ddicts can come across as the nicest guys, even victims, but they are actually Jeckyl and Hyde personalities. ex. Ted Bundy was a porn junkie.

There are simply hyper sexual men, who are able to convince their wives to share in their appetites and after wonder how they lost them to another man.

Your wife is probably the only thing keeping you stable and functional. I would bet that the moment you move out, you will be on a downward spiral into this addiction. It is progressive and very hard to stop.

I bet your wife is a saint, and she even gives you pity ...., despite the fact that it makes her feel dirty, something like a mixture of being raped and her body being used for you to self medicate.

This story is likely not even the tip of the iceberg. I hope I'm wrong, if not, then I hope you can overcome this.
 

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Most women are not okay with their spouse looking at porn. It really does effect their self esteem. Makes them feel like they are not good enough. And I'm sure the lack of sex may of been why you watch it. And that is a normal reaction o think. But in the end, it's taking you even further away from what you really want and need. So try to look at porn as something coming between you and your wife.
 

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Sorry friend, but she didn't like the porn and you did it anyway until things blew up. I wish men realized that for normal women (who aren't faking it for money), having sex with avid porn viewers feels like an assault. It feels gross. Men who watch porn objectify women, and they think they are being loving, they're not.

The terms "I need to grow a pair" or "need some cojones back" are terms I have heard from porn addicts that are actually doing the abusing with gas lighting to hide their habit and passive aggressive behaviors. Sooner or later they were found to be living double lives. Most partners had no idea of the extent porn usage despite living with the person for years. The fact that you say you have been faithful is really good, but they said the same thing until they were caught.

A healthy man's life doesn't revolve around sex. Sex ddicts can come across as the nicest guys, even victims, but they are actually Jeckyl and Hyde personalities. ex. Ted Bundy was a porn junkie.

There are simply hyper sexual men, who are able to convince their wives to share in their appetites and after wonder how they lost them to another man.

Your wife is probably the only thing keeping you stable and functional. I would bet that the moment you move out, you will be on a downward spiral into this addiction. It is progressive and very hard to stop.

I bet your wife is a saint, and she even gives you pity ...., despite the fact that it makes her feel dirty, something like a mixture of being raped and her body being used for you to self medicate.

This story is likely not even the tip of the iceberg. I hope I'm wrong, if not, then I hope you can overcome this.
Um...WHAT? :scratchhead: He stopped the porn, they started over, and she went right back to how she was. She does not want to have sex with him, did you miss all this?? You must have dealt with porn addiction with someone before, you are projecting A LOT of bitterness here toward the OP.

Dude1, you are not bad for wanting to end this. It sounds like you both made a good effort to try and make this work. Its understandable that you want to find some happiness.
 

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Um...WHAT? :scratchhead: He stopped the porn, they started over, and she went right back to how she was. She does not want to have sex with him, did you miss all this?? You must have dealt with porn addiction with someone before, you are projecting A LOT of bitterness here toward the OP.

Dude1, you are not bad for wanting to end this. It sounds like you both made a good effort to try and make this work. Its understandable that you want to find some happiness.
Why did it end up with her kicking him out before he stopped? I have absolutely dealt with porn addiction, and thank God it wasn't personal. Porn addicts, ADDICTS in general lie, and are extremely manipulative, they lie to themselves, they live fantasies, have double lives, and almost always come across as Mr.Wimpy NiceGuy.

You have one side of the story. That side of the story smells like a sex addict to me, and I called him out on it. I could be wrong. But, you certainly don't know. There are always 2 sides to every story.
 
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