Talk About Marriage banner

Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 20 of 56 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
I've been happily married to an amazing wife for 8 years and have to beautiful kids 6 and 7 yrs old. i feel like our marriage is strong or was. i just noticed on phone bill that she has been texting an out of state friend 100 times a day. she just recently came back from a girl vacation trip where this old friend also lives and i noticed not ph bill that there were a lot of text before the trip and and lot during the trip and now back home for last month there is even more texting all day. i confronted her. she says he an old friend in need of a friend, going through tough times losing his business etc. but i asked her why she deletes all his text then. she admited that i would get the wrong idea about what was being texted and there are some small flirts here and there but meaningless on her part, just says its very fun and she admitted that she really enjoys texting him and that she would never destroy our family and leave me. i believer her because she is such a sweet wife and mother but i think she is getting such an endorphin high from the texting with someone she likes and gets compliments from all day. at first i said ok, i love you and trust u and if you feel as its nothing and you get some much out of it that is ok. however after several days of thinking about all these text I'm feeling less ok and sad and angry. i know this sounds weird but if she had a one night stand in new york and came back and told me id be more ok with that than theism emotional relationship she had with this guy. i feel like oner the years have not been there for her cuddling and giving her affection she so desires and now she has found someone she is attracted to and giving her all this attention. i know in my heart she's not going to leave me for this particular guy, but I'm now worried about the next guy she becomes friends with in her running club, etc . any advice, confused and sad. thx
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
505 Posts
What makes you so sure she is not going to leave you for him? How do you know she will not start entertaining such thought in the future? Also, even if she never plans to leave you, does that make it acceptable if she continues this EA? If this EA has not escalated into PA during her visit there already, it surely will escalate into some kind of physical act for sure soon.

I know you love your W and want to trust her. I know she has been a wonderful W all these years and still is, other than this new boyfriend she infatuated with. So many husbands fall victim to W's infidelity, which starts out exactly like yours. If you don't believe me, read on some other posts. There are tons of them.

In women's case, infidelity starts with befriending a guy, innocent texts and calls, then falling in love with him, and soon the sexual rendezvous starts either online or in person usually by the OM's encouragement. This is a dime a dozen story in any infidelity forum.

You must take this matter very very seriously. Your best chance is to try ending it at early stage. You must put your foot down and fight tooth and nail, mentioning the possibility of even divorce. If her emotional involvement is not so deep then you have a good chance stopping this EA with serious enough threat from you now. However, do not underestimate the depth of EA even at this stage. After all, you have not seen any content of the recent texts, no?

The chances are they may have already consumated their love during her visit to his town, or they may already be saying "I love you" to each other. When you confronted her, she admitted to some flirting. You should know WS always downplay what they are doing. If she has admitted to "flirting", the truth may already be much worse if this follows the typical script.

Demand immediate NC. Tell her this is clearly EA, and you are not going to ignore this anymore. Tell her this is a clear breach of marital vow and if the table were turned, she would feel hurt and betrayed as well.

Contact OM and demand to stop contacting your W, and if he is married, contact OMW as well. Also, book MC to help her realize the enormity of the situation. If she refuses to end the contact, expose to your family and inlaws.

Good luck.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
378 Posts
Tell her you won't play second fiddle to a mystery friend. You need to nip this. It may already be a PA. Lay out the choices she has and tell her you won't be in an open relationship.

She has zero reason to interact on a daily basis with another man. This is called an affair, or EA. Treat this as an affair becuase it is one.
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
Tap. This is trouble. Big trouble. Just to give you some idea let me give you the cliff notes version of my story. 2010. I'm happily married, two kids, been married 12 years and with my wife 20. One night I get a friend request on Facebook from an old high school gf I haven't even thought of in 22 years. Long story short, despite being happily married to a wonderful woman, 10 days after I got that friend request I was sexting, having phone sex with, and swapping I love you's with this other woman. 10 DAYS!!!!! It lasted 8 weeks before I got caught/confessed. It has taken literally a year to even get close to fully straightening out my emotions and I never had any confusion about if I loved my wife or not. This stuff is increadibly powerful and addictive. Think like meth or heroin. People deeply affected by an emotional affair will act just as stupidly and destructively as a drug addict.

Make no mistake your marriage is under attack. Your best chance is swift decisive action to kill your wife's connection with this OM. She's going to fight you, tell you it's your fault, likely tell you that she either no longer loves you or or never did. Ignore it all, it's the rantings of a whacked out crack head. Set your boundaries, tell your wife what they are, and then calmly and rationally stick to them. Hopefully your actions can force her to see reality through the fog she's in.

Good luck man. Sorry you're here.
Posted via Mobile Device
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,563 Posts
You must destroy this little fling now. Tell her to give this guy a NC letter and never to contact her again. If you have to, threaten D if she refuses to give him up. You have to make her SCARED S**TLESS of losing you, because if this tryst goes any further, she will NOT be scared of losing you-she will convince herself that greener pastures await her with the OM. Tell her that this must end, and show her that there will be consequences.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3,563 Posts
I wrote something on another thread about how this usually turns out-here is a paraphrased version of it:

Right now, it's "innocent" texts, and there is "nothing going on"

Soon, it will go into:

Their lives since they last saw each other
Their relationships since they last saw each other
Their jobs
Their families
Their spouses
You
What a great guy you are
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How, okay, maybe you're NOT ALWAYS such a great guy
How you don't ALWAYS listen
How lately she's felt "empty"
How she loved seeing him again
How she loves texting/talking to him
How she looks forward all day to his texts
How she hasn't felt "truly happy" in a long time
How she feels young again talking to him
How you haven't made her feel that way in a long time
How you can be insensitive sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she sometimes feels that she "settled" for you
How she thinks about him all the time now
How she's in love with him now
How she's not in love with you now
How she may have made a mistake marrying you
How she made a bigger mistake letting him go
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How he's her soulmate
How she now knows what she really wants and needs
How you could NEVER give her what she wants and needs
What an a**hole you REALLY are
How you've ruined her life
How she hates you now
How she now realizes that they were meant to be together
How/when/where they can meet again
How she desperately must get away from you...

...get the picture?
 

·
Premium Member
Joined
·
2,426 Posts
I wrote something on another thread about how this usually turns out-here is a paraphrased version of it:

Right now, it's "innocent" texts, and there is "nothing going on"

Soon, it will go into:

Their lives since they last saw each other
Their relationships since they last saw each other
Their jobs
Their families
Their spouses
You
What a great guy you are
Your job
How your job keeps you away
How lonely she gets when you're away
How, okay, maybe you're NOT ALWAYS such a great guy
How you don't ALWAYS listen
How lately she's felt "empty"
How she loved seeing him again
How she loves texting/talking to him
How she looks forward all day to his texts
How she hasn't felt "truly happy" in a long time
How she feels young again talking to him
How you haven't made her feel that way in a long time
How you can be insensitive sometimes
How you can be a real jerk sometimes
How she sometimes feels that she "settled" for you
How she thinks about him all the time now
How she's in love with him now
How she's not in love with you now
How she may have made a mistake marrying you
How she made a bigger mistake letting him go
How you're standing in the way of her true happiness
How he's her soulmate
How she now knows what she really wants and needs
How you could NEVER give her what she wants and needs
What an a**hole you REALLY are
How you've ruined her life
How she hates you now
How she now realizes that they were meant to be together
How/when/where they can meet again
How she desperately must get away from you...

...get the picture?
This is spot on - and in only 10 days - or less.....
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
IF there is nothing going on - the she should let you read ALL the messages.

Her first loyalty is to her husband. If it's to this OM and his secrecy and her secrecy - then that is wrong and the start of an EA.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,307 Posts
You are in such big time denial. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think she would have put up with this from you? She is playing you for a total fool. Her actions indicate that she has little respect for you and your marriage. If you do not respect yourself then who will?
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
9,914 Posts
btw - look at the times of the texts when she was there. Look for a flurry then a pause at night then a flurry. This is likely when they met up if it went PA.

Not a good sign that she seems to have put a lot of effort into connecting before, during and after.

If it was just hey, wanna grab coffee and catch up- that would have been a couple of texts. Instead they had a long exchange planning things, talking about it etc.

Oh, btw -be very afraid of men who "need a friend" to help them through something. Think about how men deal with things. Do they endlessly text and talk about it? Nope. This guy is fishing and he's trying to catch your wife.

Get access to those texts now.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
533 Posts
Deal with this now. Be strong, firm and commanding.
Please, Tap, this is bad, bad, bad and it WILL get worse.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
1,007 Posts
Listen to these folks, my wife checked out emotionally about a year ago, close the same situation as you (missed all of the red flags, NEVER AGAIN)..I did a lot of investgating on the back end and it appears that I caught the e/a right at the start before it got to far. NIP IT IN THE BUD NOW!!! i thought the same thing about my wife, would never lie to me, sweet person etc etc, close freinds with a co-worker, that she damn well knows, i dont like (and married with a kid to boot)...well she lied right to my friggin face even when I had given her hints that i knew something was up, gave her several chances to tell me, before I told what proof I had, she lied right up untill she could not deny the proof (emails i had)...they are not kidding when they tell you how powerful an e/a is, my wife and her close friend (GAG!!)took a chance on destroying two marriages and if thier comapny would have found out they both would be fired and they both knew that and still started an e/a,
I even asked 'your both supposed to be professional, professional what?. we live in a very small rural area and both of the reputations would be wasted...
I'm only 2 months out on d-day, she has made improvements going to i/c, although i have not made her leave her job, still condsidering it.

She knows damn well DIVORCE is still an option for me, I set up clear boundaries of what I will and will not tolerate....if she is doing a false R, I'm ready for it and she knows I will pres the NUKE button,
from what I'm hearing he is pretty much scared ****less that I'm gonna take him apart physically, that i will inform thier boss and they both will be screwed..

STAND UP, take back what is yours...

She has to be afriad of the consequcenes of her actions.

I wish i would have taken a harder stance from the get go, would have saved some time and pain...I love my wife very much, but I will never be second best to anyone!!!

Read on this forum, lots of good information.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
11,829 Posts
That's all good advice above.

I would install spyware on her phone and computer asap. AFTER doing that, confront her with going NC with the guy. Tell her in no uncertain terms that YOU consider it an infidelity. Don't argue the details, just tell her that YOU consider it outside the bounds of a marriage for her to be having this level of contact with another man.

Then wait quietly for a couple of weeks while monitoring her electronics. If she is innocent of wrongdoing you will see it. If a PA happened or she is deep into an EA you will see that, too.

Then you have all you need to make a confident decision and to try to nuke the affair if that is what you decide to do. Without good intel you can't make a solid decision because you will fear destroying the marriage over what might be innocent.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
6 Posts
Discussion Starter · #17 ·
Re: my wife has a guy texting friend

thank you everyone for taking time to read my post and all your advice was well taken. i think everyones dilemmas and marriage problems differ in my dynamic ways for all of us. i agree, that when most spouses are spending a lot of time texting someone else there is grave danger that the marriage is under attach. however saying this i had a wonderful heart to heart with my wife last two nights ago. w spoke for two hours about our relationship and marriage. she cried , i cried, and she reassured that she never meant to hurt me and that she has absolutely no problems ending texting him. i told her that its the hiding or having a private relationship on the side via texting all day with me know is the biggest pain and breaks my heart. if you include me and stare your interest with him to me i would be ok. she explained that its so nice to have him as a text friend, i enjoy his wit and and fun text throughout some days. i asks her if she flirts and she said yes without hesitation. she said that most time its just plain conversations, but she has flirted and he back. she said it so nice to have attention like that and its just as nice when i give it too her. she told me without asking that she even sent a sexy pic of her. she said you remember the sexy bathing suit pic that she sent me, well she sent that same one to him. she loves that she looks great and she loves this other new attention form this guy. i totally believe her honesty on this and i do believe that in most cases this situation would ring many red flags, however i really believe in my heart that its just innocent fun. most people reading this will not understand me when i say this, but i actually get a thrill know she is showing off her sexy body and flirting as long as she agrees to always keep me in the loop with complete honesty about their relationship and esp when she sends a pic. i want to know and be apart of this flirting. she totally agreed. she called the guy next day and explained that she in no means meant to hurt me and that she would divulge andy keep me involved with their relationship, by not erasing text and and letting me know about all pics. i told her its the betrayal that hurst not the fun she is having. i just want to be apart of it and share her experience with him. she agreed. she wants me to go with her to ny next time for her friends birthday and meet him ( kevin ). i texted kevin yesterday and explained that i have to be aware of their relationship . he apologized for all the text and understood me completely and said that in now way does he want to cause any problems in our marriage, that he my wife is an amazing person and friend and enjoys her daily connection. he said he looked fwd to meeting me sometime soon and for me to contact him anytime for any reason. I know the way i handled this will seem so bizarre for all you readers, but i feel good about this and will monitor this closely. ill know if my wife's being up front about their texting and pics and ill be able to gage her mood and happiness with me. i can see every text and pic on my online ph bill. thank you everyone who is taking the time to read this and sharing your opinions and messages.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
533 Posts
If you're happy, then that's all there is to it.
But don't be afraid to come back if.........Well, my spider senses are tingling, but that might just be me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
22 Posts
If you're happy, then that's all there is to it.
But don't be afraid to come back if.........Well, my spider senses are tingling, but that might just be me.
Yep. Not to be rude and judgemental but he will be back. Sounds like typical Gaslighting to me.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
135 Posts
In May I found out my Husband had been taxting a girl he works with, deleting all the texts and keeping his phone on him all the time. He text her 300 times in march alone.

On saturday he confessed that after I had discovered the texts he went on to sleep with her and she got pregnant.


STOP THIS NOW... she is allowing herself to get into something that will damage your marriage
 
1 - 20 of 56 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top