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My wife and I have been together for 15 yrs, married for almost 10. We have three boys ages 10, 9, and 6. I am lucky enough to make enough money she can be a stay at home mom. She is very involved in PTA, and loves to volunteer. However, when it comes to our sex life, she says she just isn't interested. We used to have sex once or twice a day. When we started having kids it slowed down. She is always too tired and says that I pressure her into sex so she isn't interested. Every other aspect of our marriage is perfect. She will text me once and awhile to tell me we are going to have "alone time" that evening, but when I get home and the daily routine is over, she is too tired. I am always telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. I know she isn't cheating, so that isn't an issue. Just not sure what to do. We have sex (if I am lucky, no pun intended) maybe once a month and have gone as much as four months without. Advice?
 

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Every other aspect of our marriage is perfect.
I always find it interesting when people in sexless marriages say this. It's weird how they seem to universally believe it.

Anyway, I'll just mention that the book Married Man Sex Life Primer worked well for me and helped me to turn around 10 years of once a month sex. You may want to give it a try. I downloaded it on my iphone and read it there. The book is not really about sex, it's about attraction and male/female interactions.
 

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My wife and I have been together for 15 yrs, married for almost 10. We have three boys ages 10, 9, and 6. I am lucky enough to make enough money she can be a stay at home mom. She is very involved in PTA, and loves to volunteer. However, when it comes to our sex life, she says she just isn't interested. We used to have sex once or twice a day. When we started having kids it slowed down. She is always too tired and says that I pressure her into sex so she isn't interested. Every other aspect of our marriage is perfect. She will text me once and awhile to tell me we are going to have "alone time" that evening, but when I get home and the daily routine is over, she is too tired. I am always telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. I know she isn't cheating, so that isn't an issue. Just not sure what to do. We have sex (if I am lucky, no pun intended) maybe once a month and have gone as much as four months without. Advice?
My first piece of advice is to tell her that unless she KNOWs she'll follow through on her 'alone time' texts, to stop texting you those sort of messages. That's like torture. If she wouldn't stop them, I'd block them or just immediately delete them without a response.

Secondly, start doing what you can to ignore sex. Try and get it off your mind. If you have a hobby you like to do, do it. Stop wasting time trying to get some and use the time to make yourself happy instead. Odds are, you feel like you've wasted time in your day trying to get some, or revving yourself up for another attempt, only to be shot down. Been there, done that, and you start to hate yourself for even giving yourself hope.

Seperate yourself from her by doing a hobby, visiting friends, etc. Do something else. When you aren't 'pressuring' her anymore, she'll eventually pick up on it. It'll likely take months, or maybe even more than that for you to hear about it from her, but it'll happen. She'll notice it fairly soon, yet she won't say much at first because she'll likely enjoy the space she's getting.

In the meantime, treat her like a friend. I mean really, that's what she is. What is a marriage without sex? If you get along, it's basically roommates living together and paying bills. In your case, also raising some kids. So treat her like a friend. Do your share of stuff, but that's it. She's a stay at home mom, yet you have kids who are all school age. So she can handle the household chores. You work, she can work at home. after work and weekends/days off, you guys can share the chores. Do your share, but let her do her's.

I'd even cut back on some of her stuff which she buys. You aren't getting your needs met, why should she? I don't like tit-for-tat scenarios, but sometimes it's justified. Having a spouse tell you that she sees no need for sex (which is basically what she's doing) is just wrong and hurtful. Unless she's given you her blessing to have an affair (IE open marriage) then she has an obligation to try and make sex part of the marriage. If she doesn't, then you don't have an obligation to go beyond your own duties either.
 

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"...I'd even cut back on some of her stuff which she buys. You aren't getting your needs met, why should she? I don't like tit-for-tat scenarios, but sometimes it's justified..."

I totally disagree on this mindset. Its childish and vindictive.

the 'no more mr. nice guy' afficianados are going to come out of the woodwork here. Consider carefully before you start playing headgames to 'alter the conditions' of 'the game'. Frankly it is my biggest problem with this board. I also admit some claim fantastic success with it. What 'success' means in that regard I cant say. Shrug. anyway...

Jeeze you guys (maybe) haven't spent much time with just the 2 of you lately (married 10 years with a 10/9/6 years old...). When was the last time you had a weekend away.. just the 2 of you?
 

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I also disagree with a wife who seemingly refuses to look at their sexlife and leave the burden on the husband.
 

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..and your response is to 'cut back on the stuff she buys'?

sorry charlie. Let the real adults work it out.

"..If she doesn't, then you don't have an obligation to go beyond your own duties either."

Keeping score? It doesnt work that way. OK, for you - maybe it does work that way. Pretty depressing - Sorry.
 

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..and your response is to 'cut back on the stuff she buys'?

sorry charlie. Let the real adults work it out.

"..If she doesn't, then you don't have an obligation to go beyond your own duties either."

Keeping score? It doesnt work that way. OK, for you - maybe it does work that way. Pretty depressing - Sorry.
I'm a bit torn on this too.

I don't really think it has anything to do with material things at this point. I have had success with the Go out, enjoy friends approach. It made her eventually come around and start to ask (instead of me bringing it up) what was wrong. I told her "Nothing was wrong. I was just looking for outlets since she seemed to have little interest in spending any intimate time with me"

I do think that it's important that the LD spouse knows that a part of marriage is about sex. It's also about a promise that we won't have sex with someone else. Guys like sex (women too) and if you want to keep us around guess what?

Sure, having young kids is a challenge and is tiring but if you don't take care of the needs of the marriage, you eventually won't have one (and I'm not just talking about sex)

The youngest one is about school age so maybe the answer is she gets a part time job. She can use the money for a housekeeper perhaps so she won't be so tired in the future :)
 

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I totally disagree on this mindset. Its childish and vindictive.
Don't forget effective. It's childish, vindictive, and effective. If the OP wants to be mature, selfless, and sexless, that is his choice. He can take comfort knowing he gets a gold star from you.

Consider carefully before you start playing headgames to 'alter the conditions' of 'the game'. Frankly it is my biggest problem with this board. I also admit some claim fantastic success with it. What 'success' means in that regard I cant say. Shrug. anyway...
Success means sex. You should also consider that most of the time, the men who suffer in sexless marriages have tried to do the mature, beta approach of rewarding the wife for her imposing celibacy on him. And it doesn't work. What works is to make her feel the sting of an unsatisfactory marriage just as keenly as her husband. That can motivate women to change their behaviors.
 

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Success means sex.
Great. Sex with a woman I have had to manipulate and apply emotional and social pressure against. (and financial if kingsfan has his way). Oh joy. Alpha-male, game-theory cis-boom-bah! More nookie, more nookie, rah rah rah! (but my life is now a constant charade and endless mire of tit-for-tat)

...rewarding the wife for her imposing celibacy on him....
Rewarding? who said anything about rewarding?

Here we go. Sorry - I've had this debate / seen this movie too many times. Not worth trying to convert the convinced. (I suppose that means both me, and yoose.)

respectfully, me.
 

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My wife and I have been together for 15 yrs, married for almost 10. We have three boys ages 10, 9, and 6. I am lucky enough to make enough money she can be a stay at home mom. She is very involved in PTA, and loves to volunteer. However, when it comes to our sex life, she says she just isn't interested. We used to have sex once or twice a day. When we started having kids it slowed down. She is always too tired and says that I pressure her into sex so she isn't interested. Every other aspect of our marriage is perfect. She will text me once and awhile to tell me we are going to have "alone time" that evening, but when I get home and the daily routine is over, she is too tired. I am always telling her how beautiful she is and how much I love her. I know she isn't cheating, so that isn't an issue. Just not sure what to do. We have sex (if I am lucky, no pun intended) maybe once a month and have gone as much as four months without. Advice?
If she has the time & energy to "volunteer & PTA" then she has the time & energy to have sex with her husband.

My teens were HARDER to raise than your children's ages so she could get busier for the next or 12 yrs. or so.

I always feel bad for the husbands that come here with (almost) sexless wives after the children are born.

I hope she agrees to marriage counseling.
 

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Lets take her at her word... "she is tired by the time she has done all the activities she has done throughout the day (which is probably a lot), cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got the kids to finish their homework and finally got them to bed." Don't take this wrong, but are you participating in any of the kitchen chores, homework with the kids and getting them to bed?

I find sex starts not in the bedroom but in the kitchen... I know you probably work hard, but so does she and her work day likely starts when yours does and ends way past your work day.

She may simply just be tired... See what happens next time you help out. See if that does not get a spark.
 

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Lets take her at her word... "she is tired by the time she has done all the activities she has done throughout the day (which is probably a lot), cooked dinner, cleaned the kitchen, got the kids to finish their homework and finally got them to bed." Don't take this wrong, but are you participating in any of the kitchen chores, homework with the kids and getting them to bed?

I find sex starts not in the bedroom but in the kitchen... I know you probably work hard, but so does she and her work day likely starts when yours does and ends way past your work day.

She may simply just be tired... See what happens next time you help out. See if that does not get a spark.
Dangerous thinking. Don't let her see you resting or looking lazy. But also never forget that women are not attracted to servants. Help by being useful outside the kitchen. Don't come home and play Xbox either.
 

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Dangerous thinking. Don't let her see you resting or looking lazy. But also never forget that women are not attracted to servants. Help by being useful outside the kitchen. Don't come home and play Xbox either.
I got the Xbox, but really this is 2012, not 1950... I don't see anything dangerous with helping out. I cook half the meals and when I don't, I clean up after dinner. And yes I fix the washer when breaks along with plumbing issues. I've been married 18+ years and our sex life is still sizzling. So, I don't feel like domestic help and my wife does not see me that way. Simply don't agree with this troglodyte thinking.
 

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Read up on this forum. There are probably a thousand cases of men doing all the housework who are sexless and confused because they do so much and get no payback. Biology hasn't changed since 1950.
 

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Read up on this forum. There are probably a thousand cases of men doing all the housework who are sexless and confused because they do so much and get no payback. Biology hasn't changed since 1950.
I didn't say do all the house work... I said help. I'm sure this forum represent a statically significant analysis? ;) Well count myself as one who does 1/2 work so my wife has energy for us. And, she does.

There are probably countless factors that can be attributed to those "thousands of men" in their sexless marriage, but I would be reluctant to assign this factor with a large amount of weight to some non-distinct biological assumption.

I simply suggest to the OP, to eliminate this as a factor by helping out. So I don't want to jack his thread with some adage of domestication = non attractive wimp.
 

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Read up on this forum. There are probably a thousand cases of men doing all the housework who are sexless and confused because they do so much and get no payback. Biology hasn't changed since 1950.
Men helping around the house or in the kitchen does not mean that the wife will automatically lose respect for their husbands. I think the "alpha", "beta", "sex rank" ideas are overstated and oversimplify situations. I'm sure there are women who see their husbands doing housework and lose respect for them as a result. However, I think the majority of cases of wives losing respect/attraction is related to the personality traits of the man. If a man is a pushover, then most likely him trying to take on additional housework could be looked at as him being desperate and needy. However, a stronger minded man who does not take undeserved abuse from his wife would be perceived in a different light by his wife if he would help her out more around the house.

When I can help my wife out with household issues and cook dinner from time to time, my efforts are appreciated and usually "rewarded".
 

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One size fits all - NOT. MMSL and the 180 may be what works in many instances, but not all instances. And even where it works, it is not necessarily the only thing that could have worked.

To the OP, if she is texting you or otherwise building up some expectations, then saying "she's too tired", obviously its not about that. Perhaps she has some expectations too. Are you texting her back? Keeping the flirting going? A kiss and a grope when you get home, then immediately focus on the family stuff? There is a fine line between pressuring/pestering her and flirting.
 

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Actually what I was emphasizing was to stay off the Xbox and work on getting things done. Just not necessarily doing her work all the time. I cook and clean sometimes too. Just like any other husband. But it's really only when I don't have other stuff to do. I try not to ever let her see me being lazy and I think that's key. I think that most times when women complain about not getting help, what they're really mad about is they see themselves working while their man is sitting on the couch.
 
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