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Hello. I’m stumbled across this board looking for information. Here’s the situation I’ve been married for nearly 11 years and together 12 years. I moved here on a whim in hopes to start my life over and hoping the climate might be better for my physical disabilities along with my now wife persuading me that this was a good place. I’m not from here nor have any family here. At first things were okay and somewhat good but, as years have passed it hasn’t really worked out that great and I’m starting to feel like this isn’t meant to be for a multitude of reasons.

I moved here about 12 years ago, purchased a home, and got married. About 6-7 years my wife decided she needed a career change so I have shouldered all or majority of the living expenses which includes mortgage, utilities, internet, gas, groceries, etc while she contributed to the savings account to have some extra cushion. Prior to that we took turns contributing to bills but, now I’m starting to feel used and unappreciated.

She has been slowly switching careers which has help in some ways but, other ways not so much. During this time I worked a not so great job that I didn’t like didn’t pay well at all while my physical disabilities became worse rendering me to be unable to work and now luckily have some form of disability payment come in for now. There was days she would have a bad day or days at her prior job and she took it out on me by yelling at me if dishes weren’t done or if I didn’t do something despite myself working nights at a job I didn’t like.

So, I now I try to do as much as I can with regards to cooking, cleaning, and trying to take care of things and lessen the load on her even more despite my own challenges. Within the past several years I’m starting to feel used and feel some resent even though it’s not how I want to feel. The first thing that contributes to this is that before we got married my wife agreed that perhaps in the future we would move somewhere from here where it is much nicer and a better climate. We also have agreed to travel some but, that all changed. Now, she doesn’t like to fly or ride a car for long periods as I have found. And the only two states that exist to her is this state because she has family here and her home state which borders this one.

The other thing that bothers me and after many years is that I was kind of skeptical of buying our home at first for a few different reasons. The first is that property wasn’t a lot of land and the other is that there wasn’t a garage. The final is that I was uncertain about living here at the time but, I did try to see through things as best as I could and purchased the home based upon the fact that I could build a shop & garage to being able to a do a few things and to be able to store a vehicle(s). Now my wife has changed her stance and says I must wait to pay off the home and then I might be able to build a garage in about 7 years with a refinance all this funded by myself. When, I’ve tried to suggest it in the past she complained that it would take up too much of the property even for a smaller size shop.

The other thing is for most of the time we’ve been together I’ve rarely seen just a little bit back from my income tax return. I consider myself lucky to get a $20-30 dinner from it plus I had to pay to have our taxes done as well. My wife recently complains that we don’t do anything fun now even though I’m still shouldering majority of the expenses and have put myself into debt to help her out while she should have extra money at the end of each month plus she has a savings account with her name only with about $20-25k that I’m aware maybe more. Plus, the only places that she wants to travel is around here and her home state which doesn’t appeal to me since I did travel myself prior to marriage.

From here it’s not any gotten better and about three years ago my wife found out she couldn’t have children and plus I’ve had what family I have pass away that I was close to as well. My wife has seen and knows my parents aren’t the nicest people and that I’m not close to them and haven’t been close to them. Anyways, there was an opportunity that came up for us to adopt from one of her friend’s daughter that had some problems that I don’t know much about. I had my concerns about it for a multitude of reasons and wanted to look at all options. Trying to explain things my wife got upset and said she so you’re not going to do it or open to the idea. She lashed out with a statement; "Well, look at what your family did to you!"

That really stung me as here throwing somethings that my parents/family did to me in the face was a gut punch. When I have tried to mention that she said something like this she doesn’t remember or has denial of it. Anyways, after she said that and seeing her reaction has made me rethink things and started making me look at things really different. With everything else it’s kind of just killed a lot of things regarding her. Plus, I think she is starting to resent me because I wouldn’t adopt and that I don’t make enough money.

At this point I’m thinking of trying to find a way to get a break (find a way to leave for a while) or maybe set her free to find someone who can make her happy/happier because I feel I can’t meet her needs anymore. I try talking to her and she denies but, her actions speak otherwise. Unfortunately, counseling isn't on the table because I don't have the money and it would probably be turned against me anyways. I don’t like posting this but, just looking for some advice if possible.
 

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Let me see if I understand what you are saying...

You are on disability, sounds like back pain or something, but you are on some form of disability.

Your wife wanted to "change careers" 7 years ago. And, from the sound of it she is not really making any money yet to speak of.

You are STILL Paying the majority of the bills.

The next thing you will tell us is the she is on the phone all the time "texting her friends". You don't have sex. She is going out of Girls nights out all of the time. Sometimes she hits you if you don't "have everything perfect"

Any of that true?

My friend, you are being played it seems. She gets her hobby, and that is what it is. If you are not making a good living at your "Career Change" in 6 to 7 years, then it is a hobby.

Hell, the IRS only give you 5 years of losses before you can't deduct them any longer...

It honestly sounds like you are being completely taken advantage of by your wife. It sounds like she is more than a little abusive as well.

So yeah, get out, don't adopt any kids for now, and move on...
 

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At this point I’m thinking of trying to find a way to get a break (find a way to leave for a while) or maybe set her free to find someone who can make her happy/happier because I feel I can’t meet her needs anymore.
Before you do anything, consult an attorney. Find out where you stand if you stay, if you separate, if you divorce. You do not have to proceed with any actions, just KNOW what your future holds before you leap into it.

The biggest question is, can you support yourself? You aren't going to face child support, and if any rightful judgement is applied, you shouldn't owe any spousal support, either.

I advise you strongly not to adopt any children, special-needs, or not. This will seriously impair your freedom for many years, perhaps decades, to come. You have a bad marriage that you don't want to be tied to.

BTW, I don't think your wife meets your needs very well. She is ungrateful for the huge sacrifices you made for her career change. It's not an atypical story, one spouse works at a slave-labor job for years to provide the other with advancement opportunity. Once the advancement is obtained, the "advanced" spouse has no further need for the slave.
 

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Discussion Starter #4
Thank you. I have multiple disabilities from a prior job but, thankful I do what I can do. I'm still fighting for more but, that's a whole other topic. As far as supporting myself it would be tough as it sits currently but, I could try or figure a way to make it work. I came here because I wanted to prepare myself in case I needed to walk away. As I said, when I've tried to communicate with her it seems to get put back on my lap and that has worn me down as well. Well, thank you again and I'll see what happens from here.
 

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I’m still shoulder majority of the expenses and have put myself into debt to help her out while she should have extra money at the end of each month plus she has a savings account with her name only with about $20-25k that I’m aware maybe more.
This is very concerning to me. What's that all about?
 

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She's self centered, angry and use manipulation to get what she wants. Sorry your codependent and she likes it this way. Why are you with her?
 

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This is very concerning to me. What's that all about?
Well, it's kind of been like that for as long as I can remember. Part of it is trust issues with an ex that cheated on her with her close friend and that he stole multiple things from her when he left. The other part of it I now realize is the type of environment she grew up in. I feel like part of it is that I'm paying for what others have done.
 

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Discussion Starter #12
How often a month does she yell at you?
Well, for the longest time it was probably around twice maybe three times a week from what I remember and then she would later apologize but, it was kind of the same behavior. Like she would get mad at something then it got taken out on me. On one side of things it helps that she doesn't yell for now. On the other end it doesn't matter because she makes me feel like I never do enough and that I can't fulfill her needs. I've tried to talk to her about some things but, her she'll say one thing while her actions are another.

So, I guess we'll see what happens. I know if this ends it won't be pretty but, see what happens. Thank you again all.
 

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Well just a quick update. At this point I'm just thinking of trying to leave or need to separate for a while. The thing that has pushed me farther is that we got a tax refund and stimulus money. Well, all that money went into her account. She said was going to give me a portion of at least the stimulus money.

After sometime I have yet to see anything regarding the money even a small portion even though she said should would try to get me the money. I've brought it up a couple of times but, not going to demand or feel like I should have to plea for the money at this point. I'm willing to wait to see if she tries to do anything but, at this point I don't think she'll do anything so I'm working on an exit strategy and just be done because this should show me where I'm placed in her life. It will be a while but, highly considering to talk to attorney about my situation and seeing what my rights and how I should proceed with this.
 

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I'll give you a few suggestions.
If she has a cell phone, get your hands on it. See who she is texting. If they look suspicious, take screenshots of them and send them to yourself. You may want to consider running a recovery program (Dr. Fone is one) and see what you can find out. Document and secure your findings.
If she has any "Girls Night Out" events, either have her followed, or do so yourself. Photos or videos of anything suspicious.
How can she get your tax refund? If there was a check, you would have had to sign it. If you have them prepared, how come they went into her account? I'd tell her to give up your share, or you will have to look into legal action for theft.
Get yourself a VAR and keep it on you at all times. She starts yelling, whip it out and turn it on. If she's smart, she'll shut up. If not, you have evidence.
 

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Thank you. The way she gets the tax refund back is that we filed jointly earlier this year. So, the account that the money gets electronically deposited into her account. I was fine with that as I wouldn't of had much anyways but, with the stimulus money its deposited the same way. I'll give her another opportunity to do what she said she would do but, for now I'll continue as if she hasn't I'll try to talk to attorney to see what where I stand with separation/divorce and trying to leave/sell the home since the plan in that case would be to move out of state at that point.
 
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