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Discussion Starter #1
o, I've recently discovered that my husband has basically been lying to me since day 1.... I'm heart broken but I still love him and am willing to move on IF he accepts full responsibility for his lies and actions... problem is, that he usually blows things off. Like, "Okay, I lied, so what? Are we going to keep talking about it...?"

It can go one of 3 ways I think. Way 1: that he is actually relieved, and doesn't have to lie any more...

Way 2: He gets mad at me, and wants to divorce....

Way 3: He says what he usually says, and blows it off...

This is way to big to just act like it didn't happen....

Has anyone else gone through this...??? Do you have a success story...? I know it wouldn't be the end of the world if we split.... He has lost my trust and it will take awhile to rebuild.... but I'm willing to work on it...

Please help...
 

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Well, if you want it to stop, there needs to be consequences when he does it; but know that for the consequences to work YOU will have to prepared to follow through on them when/if needed.

IMO, his lying to you shows total disrespect for you and your marriage. Trust is one of the most foundational pieces needed to make any relationship work, not just a marriage. If you don't have it, there's not much left to work on. Now I'm not saying there's no hope; there's always hope. Just that distrust can sometimes be one of the toughest hurdles to tackle.
 

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What is the lie?

Does my ass look fat in these jeans?

Do you think I'm pretty when I am mad?

No, my secretary was practising her CPR in my office.
 

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Discussion Starter #6
He has lost all of my trust... I want it to work, but the ball is basically in his court. I've confronted him SEVERAL times and told him how I felt. He always tells me I'm reading to much into things or my mind is getting carried away. Stuff like that... But, I have evidence to back up my thoughts and feelings.

I came to this board because he won't really talk things out. He likes to act like things didn't happen. It's really breaking my heart..... I'm at a total loss....
 

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Discussion Starter #7
Said he served time in the military and retired, which he only served a year and was unable to continue due to a previous injury. Lied about having a biological brother, my husband is adopted. Said he had full custody of his daughter since she was born, that was faaaaaaaar from the truth. ackpage for escorts, when there is CLEAR evidence. Lies about looking at ads on Craigslist and bThings of that sort... He's the type of person that anything you can do he has done it better. No matter what.... He has this obsessive need to impress people all the time...

Those are his lies....
 

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I'm just worried he will just CONTINUE to lie.... And I'll never know.... he's so good at it...
IF this is an actual viable option that you feel he would choose, then WHY WOULD YOU WASTE what little time you have left on earth with him?

Take a moment to google "narcissistic personality disorder" and see if it seems to fit him...I'm thinking it does because he sounds an awful lot like my STBXH. If it does, RUN because it's NEVER going to get better.

You have my sympathy (took me 19 yrs of marriage to reach MY limit...don't know if I'm patient or dumb).
 

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Your husband has serious mental health issues. He is a Pathological Liar.

You should look up some material on it if you have not already. I'm sure that there are treatments much like treatments for depression.

Read more Pathological Liar – Impulsive, Compulsive Lying, Self-Deception

But I don't think he can stop, not without him acknowledging the problem and being willing to do the cure.

It must be very hard for you because you have no idea what is real and what is not.
 

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Discussion Starter #10
Thank you Slowly Getting Wiser.... I don't know why I stay.... I really do love him, but deep down I think I know I'm better off without him.... I'm just trying to get my duck in a row... and I wanted it to work so badly.... The sad thing is that I'm really not getting much out of this relationship... he doesn't seem to want to have sex. Although he enjoys his ads and porn.... getting both sex and/or affection out of him is like pulling teeth....

Right now, I'm really just trying to save up... I quit my job when we moved away to help his terminally ill father.... We ended up spending all of our money on expenses and whatnot and I'm just now starting to be able to work since his father passed and my schedule opened up... Just not in a good place right now... Not trying to sound whiny or pathetic. I do know there are much worse things in this world...
 

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Discussion Starter #11
EleGirl, it is very hard. And I have looked up both pathological liars and personality disorders online.... I just don't think he will think he DOES in fact have a problem.... I've tried talking to him before and trying to help him figure out what's wrong... But, it doesn't work.... I love him.... But, I really don't know how much longer I can do this... I don't know if he's been faithful, if he's out cheating. I really feel like I don't know who I married... and that's scary.....
 

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Discussion Starter #12
Would offering an ultimatum be to much at this point..... for example.... I say he needs to get help for his issues or we're done....?
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Those are traits, and they're nearly impossible to change, even by professional counselors. If you decide to work it out (likely to no avail), he will need intensive therapy.

If you have children, he could very likely carry these traits on to them, then you will have even more problems.

If you don't have children and never want children, you should decide if he's really worth the heartache and effort.
 

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Discussion Starter #14
Thank you hehasmyheart. I think I know what's really going to happen and I just don't want to face it.... I hate that he has taken advantage of the fact that I'm a genuinely nice person.....
 

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Discussion Starter #15
Also, we do not have children.... he has a daughter and she can be a real nightmare. But, I do see a lot if his traits in her...
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I have been through this.
I think if you are in love with a liar, who is a habitual liar, and you are thinking...oh, he will be relieved that he doesn't need to lie any more...you are somewhat delusional (I mean this in the strictest sense, not saying you are nuts, lol) about why liars lie. See, they don't feel guilt at lying, and they obviously don't worry about being caught. Behind the lying is a need to control what you perceive as truth. It's a form of manipulative power. So confronting him is only going to feed into that sense of power that he's getting from the lying...he will see that your life, your thoughts, your energies, your hopes and dreams and so forth, are tied up in his behavior, namely, lying. This will serve his purpose.

The best thing to do with a habitual liar, is to be honest with yourself, leave him out of the equation and then well, leave. Once your life is transparent on a day to day basis you'll wonder why you spent so much time and energy thinking about his lies...it will take a while to reclaim your mind and emotions...one doesn't notice how much they are tied up in the lying game until they are quite free of it, entirely.

I've been involved with a couple of this type, each one has a slightly different M.O. but underneath they are all the same. They are either afraid of women and resent their need for them, or they are deeply insecure and need the power that comes with lying for manipulation, even the slightest lie about silly stuff will feed their need.
 

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There is a new book out called Spy the Lie. It is by former CIA people. I have not read it but it is said to be very good at helping people learn to tell when others are lying.

Some have said , though, that they were happier when they believed the lies. Could be they were just joking.

If you get it, do not leave it lying around!
 
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