Talk About Marriage banner
Status
Not open for further replies.
1 - 9 of 9 Posts

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #1 ·
My name is Jess. I am a very independent woman and always took pride in the fact that I am this way. Before I met my husband, I never wanted to get married and never wanted kids. I am a musician. A Singer/Songwriter. This is my passion.

Me and a good friend of mine went on a trip to California almost 6 years ago and I loved it. I had plans to move there as soon as I got home back to the Boston area. I wanted to move to California to follow my dreams and pursue my music career. When I got home from this trip, my friend and I went out to a local restaurant to talk about our plans for moving to Cali. I saw in the corner of my eye a very handsome cook. It was the first or second time I went to this place after living in the town for a few years. I had been so unlucky in love and used so many times that, at the time I was celibate and not interested in hooking up. I wanted to find love at the right time but wasn't really searching for it. But for some reason he caught my eye. A couple of days went by and a different friend invited me to have a drink at this restaurant. I noticed him again...got his attention and the rest is history.

He is Brazilian. He did not speak a word of English, but our attraction was so strong for each other, we found a way to communicate to each other. He ended up taking English classes and starting speaking very well. We were inseparable. We were so in love and attracted to each other.

A few months went by and we ended up moving in with each other. This is when I noticed his jealously issues and emotional abuse towards me started. I will never forget when i went to a friends going away party (she was moving to Hawaii) and i stayed out really late. I got home and he went wild because I went to a party without him and made me feel bad for doing so. I remember lying in that bed we just bought...and thinking...this might not work out in the long run. But, I ended up marrying him and believing in our love.

Over time jealousy issues have come up quite a bit to the point where I have felt attacked and put down. I think it is a cultural thing. But either way it is not right. I will not go into too much detail but things he has said to me has really stuck with me and i feel as though its pushing me away more and more as time goes by.

He has made me feel bad for having sexual relations with men before him, he has embarrassed me in front of people, he said that I have probably slept with a book of people...even after almost divorcing last year because of the emotional abuse, he continues to do so...especially when he is drinking. The other night he accused me of sleeping with another man when we first got together. I have never cheated on anyone and i never will. It just upsets me that my own husband will bring up things to try to make me feel like **** or something. He also brings up that I don't clean and do his laundry enough. I work too, and just got through recovery for an eating disorder, and depression so no Im not cleaning constantly. Other times of course, he can be very sweet. But i just don't feel happy in this relationship anymore and I just don't know what to do. We used to have a lot of fun together, but all that has gone away.

He has been working 60+ hours a week. He is building an apartment building in Brazil with a restaurant that would be ours.We don't do much because he is saving money for his building. There is a lot of stress. He is stressed out all the time. He isn't happy much and it sucks.

I have been going over and over in my mind...do I really want to move to Brazil and follow him and his dreams? Or do I say **** it and move to LA and pursue my own dreams without him. He would not ever come with me. He is an illegal immigrant. He wont be allowed back into the country if he leaves. He has no interest to help me with my dreams by moving to LA because of his situation and his secure job. If I go to Brazil with him, I would be completely depending on him. I would have to learn the language and work for something I am not sure I even want. I get sad though, when I see little babies. I know I can have a family with him someday and maybe things could get better once he has his freedom. But what if the emotional abuse doesnt go away, and Im stuck in a country with no one but him. I love him with all of my heart and he has done alot of good things for me too. He has helped me with my music stuff around here and supported me through my fathers death and my family likes him alot. Its just a tough situation.

I am 28. If I do not pursue my dreams now I feel like I will never get them. I just dont know what choice is a mistake and what is better for me. If I move to LA and leave him I may be walking out of a great opportutnity to co-own a restaurant in Brazil and I may be walking out of having a family and learninig a new language and experiencing another country. But If I go to Brazil I might regret not ever going after my dreams and doing what I really want to do in my heart. Its just hard because he is not a bad guy even though he gets jealous sometimes. He is just working really hard for his own dream but I feel like im on the sidelines most of the time. He has a twin brother that lives with us and they both work together and are building together. I sometimes feel like its them them them and not us.

I am just at a point where I dont want to make a mistake. The plans to go to Brazil are about a year from now. I talked to my husband about my dreams and he says I should pursue them. I think he actually likes the idea of me leaving him but we still love each other so much that it is hard. I love him but I am just not happy here with him and I dont think I would be happy in Brazil if Im not happy here in my own country with all of my friends and family. I have tried to pretend that this is what I want, but I dont think that I am the housewife type.

So at 28... do I save my money and move to LA and pursue my dreams and hope that someday I can have a family?

Or do I stick with my man, accept him for who he is, and follow him to Brazil and help with with dream....


I think I already know what I want....I just am not looking forward to missing him and I am afraid that it is a mistake. what to do.....I'm so confused.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
2,078 Posts
First thing that came to mind when I read your post is...the spouse who is always accusing the other of cheating is usually the one cheating.
No children? You may love this man very much but you don't sound happy. You kind of owe it to yourself to follow your dream.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
7,416 Posts
Go to LA. This will not improve just because you want it to.

You do not sound like someone who will enjoy spending the rest of your live pursuing someone else's dreams, while totally sacrificing your own.

We only do that for our children.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
4,174 Posts
You should do what in your gut you know you want to do.
While undecided, use birth control (and make sure it's not tampered with.) Also, I think you should go talk to an attorney about your knowledge of your husband being an illegal immigrant, because you don't want to set yourself up to be blackmailed in any way....these are things that will take away your choice. Whatever you do in life, you should not give up any situation in which you also give up choice, unless you are willing to live with the situation indefinitely. We always think we can "fix" mistakes later...there are some mistakes that take a good chunk out of your lifetime to "fix" and in the end, that's all you have - your time and how you choose to spend it. My best advice is to not make someone else a priority while they're making you an option (child or disabled & dependent spouse/sibling/parent, etc. excepted.)
 

·
Banned
Joined
·
171 Posts
Jsanta - Thank you for the tough question. I understand your heartache over this situation. I am willing to bet that the primary reason that you are concerned about moving to Brazil with your husband is the lack of security he has provided for you. I work at a Marriage and Family Ministry and I want you to know that things DO NOT get better by having children. If he is emotionally abusive now he will be then. Bad traits and character flaws do not disappear by adding children. Children are awesome but they also bring a whole new level of stress. Have you ever expressed these concerns to him? Have you ever pushed for counseling? Do you have a third party you can talk to who is unbiased and can help you walk through this?

Jsanta, I cannot over emphasize the need for honest and open communication with your husband now. You cannot wait on this. I recommend a book called "Love Must Be Tough: New Hope For Marriages in Crisis" by Dr. James Dobson. Make no mistake, your marriage is in crisis even if your husband doesn't realize it. Steps need to be taken so both of you understand exactly where you are it. This is the only way that healing and change will come. Hope this is a help.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #7 ·
Thank you...and yes I have said to him before that the only way we can save our marriage is though counseling. He does not want to do it. I have a therapist that is helping me through my own issues and its helping me very much. I think the only thing holding me back now is myself. I have a lot of love for this man, but I think we both realize that maybe our future is not with each other. I believe in marriage and I did not want to break my vow because I take it very seriously but what is the point if he does not want to put the effort in that I put into it as well. Another fear of mine is just starting over with no one. I am afraid of being alone again. I know I am strong and I can get through it though. I have been through a lot in my life and made it this far so I know I can do it and follow my dreams.

Jsanta
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
3 Posts
Discussion Starter · #8 ·
My best advice is to not make someone else a priority while they're making you an option (child or disabled & dependent spouse/sibling/parent, etc. excepted.)
Thank you. I know you are right. It just hurts to think that I am an option in his eyes. I need to be strong and let go even though I love him so much.
 

·
Registered
Joined
·
234 Posts
Thank you...and yes I have said to him before that the only way we can save our marriage is though counseling. He does not want to do it. I have a therapist that is helping me through my own issues and its helping me very much. I think the only thing holding me back now is myself. I have a lot of love for this man, but I think we both realize that maybe our future is not with each other. I believe in marriage and I did not want to break my vow because I take it very seriously but what is the point if he does not want to put the effort in that I put into it as well. Another fear of mine is just starting over with no one. I am afraid of being alone again. I know I am strong and I can get through it though. I have been through a lot in my life and made it this far so I know I can do it and follow my dreams.

Jsanta
Hey there, I connected with your post as I am artistic as well, and feel like I've been living my H's life for the past 16 years. Our situation is a bit different in that he doesn't want to leave the sleepy city we are in and I feel like it's the only way for me to do anything artistically because where I am is very sleepy and there are not a lot of creative people.

I hear your fear about starting over with no one. I'm not afraid of being alone, actually I'm really excited about the prospect (though I have kids) I am afraid I might never meet anyone any better… but in my mind I know that isn't true. The problem though I think is by being with someone you don't jive with you also limit yourself to meeting other interesting/creative people you do connect with simply because you are not being inspired and or into your spouse.
 
1 - 9 of 9 Posts
Status
Not open for further replies.
Top