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Discussion Starter · #1 ·
Yesterday is the day I figured it out. I had minor suspicions but for the first time in a long time my cheating detector went off. Too many little things stacking up. And since it's rusty as hell, it went off pretty late.

I checked her phone. In synopsis, "Miss you" This is to a coworker of hers. I don't miss anyone from my work over a weekend. There wasn't a history for that number otherwise, but all of the other conversations were there from months ago. I check the cell phone bill. It's simply crazy how many texts there are. Nearly every day, throughout the day and evening. Started about 60 days ago. I don't know what they are about, but... I feel like it doesn't matter.

The messages I do have in fragments are flirty though not direct. Her diligent deleting of history means I may not find out much more. They would not be easy to explain, however.

I'm left with the question of how much I should spy and collect. My street instincts say I should get as much as I can, but also that I need to strike quickly before my own mood gives too much away (I'm not hiding this well). My investment in the relationship says I don't need to know any more and I just need to call the situation out and deal with whatever falls. I don't really have anyone I'm comfortable going to with this, so your thoughts are welcome as I sort through this.
 

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Get some intel on this coworker. Is he married? Expose the amount of texts to his gf/wife. Put a VAR in the car.
If you do expose without the actual textual conversations, my bet is that this is going to go underground. I'm good at lying, its what I'd do, construct some c0ck and bull story of how the coworker is very incompetent in her job and that I have to guide her every step of the way. So gather enough data first

Try and retrieve all the conversations, install a keylogger onto your computer.

And expect the worst, go in with a contingency plan. Analyze all possible outcomes and what you would do in each case.
 

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Are you willing to reconcile if, in the event you find out that the affair has gone physical? That's an important question to mull over in the meantime.

If you are not willing to stay with her if she's had a physical affair, don't confront her, avoid the drama, just go see your lawyer and drop the bomb on her. Surprise is key. Once you do that, expose to the OMW.

Btw, is your wife the kind that would turn vindictive when cornered?
 

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Sorry to hear about your situation.

First you need to take care of yourself, stay healthy until you decide to call it quits or try to fix it.

Second you need to figure out the degree of this(or others) relationship is. Emotional or physical for example. Once you know the extent of it, you'll be able to make much more healthy decisions.

Which phone is she using? On some you'll be able to recover deleted texts.

Do you have access to her emails or social media accounts? She could be using its messengers as well.

During the day is there any unaccounted for times of her? Any 2-3 hour shopping trips? Girls night out? Anytime she could be visiting this guy?
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Discussion Starter · #8 ·
We've been married for 5 years. He's divorced. Nearly a vagabond, but charming.

They do apparently facebook when phones aren't an option. She deletes that history as well. The covering of tracks just doesn't bode well as it shows she recognizes it's wrong, despite that she must be rationalizing all of it somehow.

There isn't really unexplained time out there. When I've not been at home or she hasn't, she either has a verified story or texts during the timeframe. But I'd be a fool at this point to say it wasn't possible.

I'm not seeing a real good end game to all of this. I'd like to work it out, but it's complicated. We are halfway started on the adoption process. I don't see any way to keep that on the rails in the short term. Combined with her biological imperative... that alone could push her over the edge.

Thanks for all of the feedback and support.
 

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I agree with Warlock. You cannot go through this process while in such a difficult one involving what will be the 2 parents. But obviously you will need to talk with her about this, she will want to know why the process is halting.

It seems you don't need any more confirmation. Will you be open to her gas lighting if you approach with a lack of evidence? Because she WILL minimise this. She will say she deleted only for a silly reason. That she is doing nothing. He is a friend. She deleted because she knew you would see bad in the texts when there is nothing bad there.

You can always try to recover the deleted messages. There are ways. Demand the phone from her and do it...before they are overwritten.

So just gather what you can right now and confront her and stop the adoption. Or at least discuss the adoption with a view to becoming 2 single parents! Not a good start for an already unwanted baby.
 
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Yesterday is the day I figured it out. I had minor suspicions but for the first time in a long time my cheating detector went off. Too many little things stacking up. And since it's rusty as hell, it went off pretty late.

I checked her phone. In synopsis, "Miss you" This is to a coworker of hers. I don't miss anyone from my work over a weekend. There wasn't a history for that number otherwise, but all of the other conversations were there from months ago. I check the cell phone bill. It's simply crazy how many texts there are. Nearly every day, throughout the day and evening. Started about 60 days ago. I don't know what they are about, but... I feel like it doesn't matter.

The messages I do have in fragments are flirty though not direct. Her diligent deleting of history means I may not find out much more. They would not be easy to explain, however.

I'm left with the question of how much I should spy and collect. My street instincts say I should get as much as I can, but also that I need to strike quickly before my own mood gives too much away (I'm not hiding this well). My investment in the relationship says I don't need to know any more and I just need to call the situation out and deal with whatever falls. I don't really have anyone I'm comfortable going to with this, so your thoughts are welcome as I sort through this.
Can you think of any work-related after-hours function from when the texts started?

Are they friends on facebook?

Do you share passwords with each other?

"Miss you" over the weekend to an opposite sex co-worker is a very bad sign. What time of day are their texts? Does she send him one every morning when she wakes up? Every night sometime before going to bed?

Were any pictures exchanged?

Because you don't have any missing time, a voice-activated recorder is a good idea. Put it under the seat of her car with some heavy-duty velcro. She probably talks to him in the car on her way to and from work. Be prepared, she may be meeting up with him in the car during lunch.

Also be prepared, emotional affairs move to physical affairs at the speed of light when the two cheaters have easy access to each other. Be prepared for the worst, hope for the best.

You do have enough to confront her now if you are willing to stand your ground. You tell her that based on the sheer volume of texts and the times of day they're occurring, plus the "miss you" to an opposite sex co-worker over the weekend, plus the diligent deleting of all text and facebook history with this particular guy, plus the "flirty" nature of the texts, you must assume that she is having an affair. If she denies it, tell her that her denial just does not make any sense in light of the facts that you know and there is no way you could believe otherwise based on the facts and you would like her to take a polygraph.

In your case, though, I think you could save yourself a lot of time and trouble in the long run if you can get the voice-activated recorder in the car pretty quickly. If you do, you should be able to tell the extent of what's going on with her and other man within a week or so. The danger or waiting is that it could go physical at any time, if it hasn't already.
 

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We've been married for 5 years. He's divorced. Nearly a vagabond, but charming.

They do apparently facebook when phones aren't an option. She deletes that history as well. The covering of tracks just doesn't bode well as it shows she recognizes it's wrong, despite that she must be rationalizing all of it somehow.

There isn't really unexplained time out there. When I've not been at home or she hasn't, she either has a verified story or texts during the timeframe. But I'd be a fool at this point to say it wasn't possible.

I'm not seeing a real good end game to all of this. I'd like to work it out, but it's complicated. We are halfway started on the adoption process. I don't see any way to keep that on the rails in the short term. Combined with her biological imperative... that alone could push her over the edge.

Thanks for all of the feedback and support.
Would you be aware if both your wife and other man called in sick or came in late or left early on the same day?

Has your wife purchased any new lingerie or sexy clothes or taken efforts to make herself more attractive in the past several months?
 

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I'm sorry you are here.

Don't believe her BS for one minute.

It's now you vs. her.

Take what you "think" may have happened between them
and double the pain. While it may not have happened, you need
to be prepared emotionally for the truth.

Get a GPS and hide it in her car, ASAP.
Install a Keylogger on all computers she has access to.
Play dumb... lie in the weeds like a ninja... "yes, dear" and "okay honey" should be the words you use the most until you get to
the bottom of it. Wait a month or so. If you come up empty
in your search for the truth, hire a PI.

It can (and does) happen to the best of us.

Check out the link in my sig if you think otherwise.

I wish you the best of luck. Stay strong and know that whatever
happens, you will grow and learn from it.
 

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The main point to remember her folks is, if two adults
wanna get together to bump uglies... they will.

The pattern of the txts are telling.
They aided me in painting the picture of what happened and helped me piece together the truth on my own.

They have either already done the deed, or they sure as hell intend to.
There's nothing innocent or cute about it.

Protect yourself!!!
 

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Take the steps you need to, man. This stuff sucks. The main thing you've gotta keep in mind is this: What is your deal breaker? Figure that out and keep it to yourself when you confront your wife. Never reveal your sources either. Also, I believe there is a program out there to recover deleted IM'ng from Facebook. Do a search and you'll find it. See, they can delete it from the browser, but that doesn't clear it from your cache (I believe that's how it works).

I discovered my wife's affair, too. Like you, I was all over the place emotionally. I wish I could've taken a month off from work when this first started. My wife and I are working on reconciliation. Hell, 9 months later I'd still like to take a month off!

Again...what's the deal breaker?
 

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Do you have a key logger on her computer - if not get one there and get her FB password!

IF you get one of the keyloggers that takes screen shots you'll get to see the FB messages.

You need a VAR in her car asap - they might be using it at lunch to go out/hookup.

If you can activate and use the find her phone feature, if you can use it without her knowing.

The #1 thing feared by most cheaters, especially woman,is blow back to the OM. Not you confronting him , but exposure and humiliation. They fear the OM will dump them if he gets blow back.

So use that in your strategy.

Two rules: Don't confront without full details and never even at confrontation reveal sources.

btw - it sounds like a good chance it's gone PA. The miss you is what lovers say.
 

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F,

I've been there. You have been given some good advice. I confronted without proof, just gut emotion... bad move. You need to just play it cool and back off the direct confrontation for the time being. Now it the time to get real proof...

1) VAR now.
2) key logger.
3) monitor her time outside the house.
 
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F,

I've been there. You have been given some good advice. I confronted without proof, just gut emotion... bad move. You need to just play it cool and back off the direct confrontation for the time being. Now it the time to get real proof...

1) VAR now.
2) key logger.
3) monitor her time outside the house.
Indeed. Me too, although i was told by a reliable source and confronted her immediately with that, i had no concrete evidence.
I ended up being played, lied to, led into false R (twice), and trickle truthed for at least 3 months. And hell, im not even sure now that i know the whole truth.
Collect the evidence. Have a plan for each response and stick to it.
Dont make the mistakes myself and so many others here made because we did not have this resource.
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Discussion Starter · #20 ·
It's getting harder to read what I find as anything less than unfaithful. I've been taking pictures of the messages she leaves not deleted.

If I have a suspected meet up time, should I be amateur PI and photograph a car in a parking lot? Should I hire one?? I have a half baked plan of getting a rental car and shadowing. Should I try and disrupt the (potential) plans? I can disrupt them easily but I feel like it would be a lost opportunity to wrap this up quickly.

I feel like if I have some pictures of her in a place she lied being about with someone she's been texting thousands of times with a few fragments of them that show affection and flirting, while applying for adoption with a husband, she would have long odds in family court.

I have no idea what she is possibly thinking. She's otherwise a smart and ethical person. She must have gone head over heels for him and be in irrational land. Unless she was just thinking she could play us both? I know that not being able to have kids is way up on the list of marriage stressors, I just had no concept we wouldn't make it.

My starting planning for life without her and building the firewall makes me feel like it is already over. Up until hours ago she was the best thing that ever happened to me and now it feels like ashes in the wind.
 
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