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Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for 3 years. I love him and we've been through a lot together. I want to spend my life with him and thinking about that not happening is heart breaking. However, there is one issue. Last night he was telling me about some dream he had and it was funny so I said "Haha well in my dream you proposed. Maybe that's what you were getting the money for." I am going on 21 and he is already 21. I definitely do NOT want to get married right now. I would consider a long engagement okay so if I was proposed to, I'd say yes. I'm thinking around 25 to get married because I want to have children between 25-29. Well in response to my dream he says "You dream the impossible." This kind of bothered me so then I asked him why it was impossible. He views marriage as something society just adopted and it isn't necessary. I asked him if the thought even crossed his mind about marriage or children with me. He said no but that it isn't something he wants with anyone.

Then we started talking about children. I definitely want children, there is no doubt in my mind about that. I wouldn't give up that opportunity. I still have a long way to wait because I want to establish my career first. However, he said he doesn't ever want kids. He says he knows himself and even if he had a stable job, he still wouldn't want them because he wouldn't be a good dad and some people are naturally good at it and others aren't. We kept talking about it and he said well if we are still together when I am 25 and he doesn't want kids still, he understands if we break up because that is a logical thing to break up over.

Is this really happening to me? I mean I want to believe he is just young and once he matures more, he'll feel differently. But what if that isn't the case and he is pretty set in this? How am I supposed to handle things in our relationship now? It's just something that bothers me now. I had four nightmares that night after our talk about breaking up and him not wanting children still. I know I am only 21 but I don't feel like I am getting any younger! Then the most common question, what if we do break up and then he meets another woman and by the time he is in his 30s he wants kids? I just don't know how to handle this situation!
 

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This is what dating is for - to learn about each other and whether you would be good together.

You've just learned something very important: he does not want marriage or children, ever.

You now have a choice: stay with him and accept that he will not marry you or have children with you, ever, or move on.

It really isn't any more complicated than that.

What you can't do is change is his mind, or hang on for years hoping he'll change his mind.

In any case, it's unlikely that you would want to marry him in 4 years. Most people who meet that young don't actually end up together in the long run because people change SO MUCH during their 20's. You are just now beginning to find out who you are. A man who is right for you today, before career, likely wouldn't be right for you after you have experienced more of life and your career. Just my opinion. This isn't the case for everyone.
 

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ok.. this is very similar to me and my wife at the beginning.. first off, neither one of us wanted kids.. then I did, but she didn't.. Then at 30 we both wanted kids and well.. now we have 3. But, it could very well be that he NEVER wants kids. and having someone become a parent when thier hearts are not in it is complete disaster.
 

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Even though you are only 21, you do sound mature & you have been with him for 3 years - a long time at your age.

I'm sorry but your life goals don't match up right now. I am surprised after 3 yrs. that this subject is just now coming up.
 

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This is my first time posting here.I have been married for 7 years and my H kids are all grown and married.I have a daughter (26) and she is not married and lives on her own.We have never been accepted into my H family. At the begining the x gave me soooo much trouble.H was deviorced 3 years before I met him.She would tell lies and start rumors shot me the finger etc.I am crazy ,I should have left then.Two SS and their wives and 1 SD have treated me and my daughter like crap and I am, sick of it now.My ss started sending my D very nasty sexual txt messages.She told him to stop and leave her alone but he didnt pay that no mind. Finally my D came to me and my H showing us these messages and told us we could do something about it or she was going to the police.My D loves her stepdad and didnt want to hurt him by going to the police because this is his son.Long story short after saying he would leave my D alone but for us to please not say anything to his wife ,he promised to stop.Well 3 months later he wakes my D up at 1 am texting her wanting to come to her house because his wife is out of town.D goes to his wife and shows her these messages and told her to tell her husband to back off .Well Dil is very hurt (and I would be to)but now she has turned on my D even after seeing these messages.Dil and ss work things out but for me and my D they have got the other ss and his wife involved so now they are against us.They are all sticking together. SS's have little kids and now they arent allowed around us .They say we are not welcome to family events .parties for the kids and we have never been family and they hate us.(How STUPID).I am ok with them out of my life because they have hurt me a lot since I have been married to their dad.H tells them they are very wrong for the way they are treating us but that about all he will say(H is tough aint he :mad:). me and H has always been together and we done everything together but now his kids tell him only he is welcome to be with their real family and if he loves his grands he will show up. They tell H they wont accept gifts if I had anything to do with it.I am so hurt by them .Both DIL's told me to my face my D was never welcome in their houses again.I lost it .I told them off and it wasnt nice. Now H kids tell him he should leave me at home and come see them and the grands. Of course the x will always be there. Im sorry I cant deal. I have already turned the other cheek for 7 years in this backstabbing fony family .I dont want my husband to leave me behind. H is my family and his kids have their own family.The grands not seeing their papaw is the parents choice not ours.They are only hurting them.I dont want to make changes in our marriage because of them.I want my H to stand up to them and tell them he WILL NOT be to any family events without me.DIL will be having a baby in december and they told my H he could come see his grand only if his wifey didnt come.I dont think ultatiums is right. H dont get to see his grands now since they are not allowed at our house.Im hurt Im pissed and if my H leaves me behind to make his kids happy then he can stay with them.I am sick of them.What do yall think H should do?
 

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You obviously care a great deal about getting married and having kids. The fact that he said he would understand if you broke up at 25 makes it seem like he doesn't even want to consider it. He might in the future, but do you really want to spend time, effort, emotion, LOVE, on this guy who is honest enough to tell you flat out he doesn't want the same things as you?

Tell him it's a dealbreaker for you. That if he genuinely can't see these things happening then you'll leave now, not in four years when you're both bored and you start seeing friends get married and have kids and start to feel like you made the wrong choice.

I think you can marry young and work things out. I truly believe people who love each other young can marry and grow together. I DON'T believe that people can marry young and grow towards each other- if you're not there, if you already don't agree on such key points of your relationship, you're only going to continue to grow in separate directions with time.
 
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